This stuff tastes ghastly — like paint stripper — even watered down in a litre of water.

“Do I have to drink the whole litre?” I whined at mum.

“Oh yes little one and another litre of water right after it. Make sure it’s not cold — add some hot — cold will make you feel ill.” Mum was all solicitation and comfort NOT!

“Seems like a waste of the prawn cocktail I had for lunch” It was delicious too, the balance of flavours just excellent. Not that I knew much about balance particularly not today — I was in automatic. I was excited and calm at the same time, like I was doing a solo or something on stage. Stage nerves.

“How long does it take to work?” I turned the bottle round to read the label. Basically “Stay near a toilet, the effects are very quick and almost uncontrollable.”

I felt a rumble in my tummy and all of a sudden I was ripping my pants down and seating myself on the loo. I still had  ½ a litre of water to drink so I did — it was pouring out of one end as I was pouring it in the other. It was making me feel quite light headed.

Just when I thought I’d finished, another flush would come through like a pressure hose and it was very uncontrollable — it sprayed everywhere. I tentatively looked between my legs to check it wasn’t blood….

Not only was it not blood, it was as clear as pure mineral water!

I stripped off my clothes as I sat there and when the last rumbling had passed, I hauled my body off the loo and into the shower.

I turned on the water and hoped that I wouldn’t have to repeat this last  ½ hour ever again. It’s like very draining to poo 2 litres of water in 30 mins — end to end!!

I rinsed off my body and soaped up, “Don’t forget to shave,” mum shouted from the bedroom.

Oh glory… I had forgotten.

That took ten minutes — thankfully I didn’t nick myself.

By the time that was over I was convinced I was safe and running on empty gut wise.

I did feel very empty, but tired enough not to even worry about going to sleep — I put on my jammies and slunk into bed.

Mum and dad both came over to give me a hug goodnight and I was out like a light.

They told me later they went down for a nightcap, but I didn’t hear anything at all.

The phone ringing at 6.00am was incredibly loud — I think my mind must have switched to overdrive before I woke — I sprang out of bed like a ferret was chasing me.

“Go and have a shower, brush your teeth, rinse your mouth out but don’t swallow any water. If you have any water in your tummy, you’ll be sick after the anaesthetic wears off.”

By the time I got back to the bedroom mum and dad were dressed.

“We’ll get you settled in the clinic and then come back for brekkers and a shower.”

Dad explained, “I think we’ll just concentrate on you for the moment.”

The hotel said there weren’t any taxis available at 6.30 but the porter said he’d run us over to the clinic which was very nice of him.

We pulled up outside and Dad pulled a small grip bag from the boot that he’d repacked from the green one with all my stuff.

The porter shot off and we walked into the reception area. The clinic was already active and there were people all over the place — patients and staff all going hither an thither.

Dad walked up to the desk, “Jenny Holland is here for surgery.” He advised the desk jockey. She opened up a folder and ticked off a name picked up the phone and within a minute there was a nurse there.

“Miss Holland? This way if you please, you may leave your parents here but bring your bag.” It sounded like an order, so I hugged mum and dad we all had a tear in our eye but I was determined to be brave and so did mum and dad!

I turned to the nurse who smiled and lead me away, I turned at the door and waved to mum and dad, “See you later,” As I turned away dad said, “break a willy.” I snorted and the nurse looked at me like I was nuts. I guess Willies aren’t Willies in Switzerland.

My room was quite large and I was on my own.

“Just take off your clothes, and put them in the bedside cabinet please” The nurse was a bit terse, but was probably language strapped and or busy.”Have you had a shower this morning?” I nodded, “Then please pop this gown on and lie on the bed, I shall be back shortly to give you a pre-med shot.

I’d read about this — it was a sort of tranquiliser that allowed the anaesthetic to work more easily. In case you were worked up.

The nurse cam back and gave me the shot while I sat on the bed

I’d just got into the bed which seems a little hard when Docotr Kurt came in with another man. “All ready Jennifer?” He sat on the edge of the bed and watched me for a minute as I got settled.

“Yes, thank you, Doctor, I’m all yours so to speak.” He smiled and turned to the other man. “This is Doctor Wilbur Freedmann, he will be the anaesthetist. He would like to ask you a few questions before we go in. I’ll go and get ready — see you in there.”

He rose and patted my arm as he left.

The other doctor opened a clipboard with a short list of questions on it — I could see them from where I was sat on the bed.

“Ok, Jennifer Holland is your name, right?

“Yes”

“You are here for sex reassignment surgery?”

“Yes”

“You understand this surgery in not reversible and that you will never be able to father children after it?”

“Yes.” I felt a bit stupid answering that, but I guess they have to cover all angles.

He went through all my details and put a wristband on my wrist on which was my name and the surgery to be performed. I looked quizzically at him.

“Just so we don’t cut off the wrong leg.” He smiled — goodness me, I thought; a Swiss with a sense of humour.

“Do you have any allergies?”

I shook my head “No”

“Have you had an anaesthetic before?”

“Yes”

He raised an eyebrow asking the question

“Tonsils,” I said pointing to my mouth.

“Ah” he made a note on his clipboard.

“Any other things that might be relevant?”

I shook my head again, “I can’t think of anything.”

He closed his clipboard and rose, “Right, I’ll see you in there.”

I noted that neither of them actually said the words ‘operating theatre’. Perhaps it unsettles some people.

Presently an orderly came in looked at my clipboard and said “Jenny Holland” and then checked my bracelet. I barely had a chance to say yes and it was brakes off and away we go. She stopped at a huge linen press and took out a blanket — it was really snugly and warm as she spread it across my bed.

“That will keep you warm until they need you.” She spoke with a strong accent but seemed really nice. She looked at the clipboard again. “You were boy, yes?”

“Well I guess that part is over now,” she continued, “We have one or two a month here like you, but not so pretty, best of luck.”

By this time we had arrived at the holding area and there were three doors on the opposite wall with A,B and C on them. Kurt came out of B and asked the orderly to wheel me in. I felt a little distant and a little frightened. This was IT.

The door swung to and I was in the theatre, both doctors and a nurse were in scrubs with the mask already over their faces.

The orderly and a nurse lifted me across from the bed onto the slab — no other word for it — it was cold and the pad on it quite thin. The blanket was left there for a minute.

as a nurse popped a butterfly in the back of my hand.

“How are you feeling Jenny?” Kurt asked looking at me closely.

“A little frightened, but not bad I suppose, I’m not worried about the operation just about the not waking up after it.” I felt safe, but like my life was balanced on a beam.

“Well, I can assure you there is no danger to your life.” Kurt smiled — his eyes crinkled — it’s the only way I could tell!

“Right, I’m going to inject this milky stuff into your arm and it will feel a little cold then you’ll wake up back in your room. Could you count backwards from one hundred please.”

“one hundred, ninety nine, ninety eight, ninety…” I could feel myself slipping, I managed to say “goodbye”.

I could feel something rubbing on my sternum like a finger. I came to looking at a nurse.

“OK ok you’re safe,” she assured me calmly.

I couldn’t feel anything; no pain, no difference.

“Didn’t they do the operation?” I asked,

“Oh yes, they did it, you’re back in your room now — it’s 3.30pm” the nurse smiled.

My mind swirled, “I’m very thirsty, can I get a drink please?”

She held a straw to my lips I pulled on it hungrily, “Gently now — too much and it will come straight back.” I swilled the nectar round my mouth, taking in my surroundings.

There were two drips but no pingy machines like they had in the TV hospitals.

“They’ve given you a pain numbing injection which will wear off in the next hour or so, let me know if you’re in pain and I’ll put something in your drip to ease it.” The nurse tucked me in and made sure I was Ok.

“Your mum and dad are outside, would you like to see them?” She asked brightly.

“Yes please,” I was still groggy, but I really wanted to see them. She went out and brought them back.

“Congratulations, you have a 62 kilo baby girl.” She chuckled and left us to it.

Mum rushed over to me and held my hand, “How are you feeling darling?”

“Really groggy, but there’s no pain, they gave me something for it. Could I have a little more water? I pointed tot the cup with the straw in it. Mum reached it for me and I took another long suck on the water — it felt fantastic.

“So you’re all done?” Dad asked —

“Daddy, I can’t tell, they said they did it but I don’t feel any different.” I looked at him — he looked like he’d been crying.

“Have you been crying daddy? Why?” I was perturbed.

“Well it seemed you were in a long time and I was worried, I thought something may have gone wrong. Then the nurse came and said that everything was fine and you’re going to be fine. It was such a relief I burst into tears. Silly old bugger aren’t I?”

He held my hand on the other side to mum and I felt very good. Somehow I slipped off back to sleep — even though I wanted to chat to mum and dad.

When I awoke a little later they’d gone to get something to eat and told the nurse they’d be back a little later.

They came in after tea; I actually got to drink some as well. Daddy was carrying a huge white rabbit — stuffed of course!

I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable and told the nurse before she got a chance to leave.

“If it gets too painful, just press the bell and I’ll come and give you something. The painkillers are morphine based and we don’t want you getting hooked.” She smiled and left us to it.

I was allowed to eat some jelly and ice cream later and another cup of tea. It was excellent.

I was promised a proper breakfast in the morning.

As the feeling came back into my lower body, I realised that I felt like someone had kicked me several times and that someone had left a knife stuck in me. I asked the nurse. It was absolute agony and even though I knew the pain was from surgery, I asked the nurse what was going on.

“Oh, you have a catheter in — it collects your urine — saves you going to the bathroom and stops you getting the operation site wet.” She pointed to a bag full of orangey yellow pee in a clear plastic bag hung under the bed. I gently rolled on my side to look under the bed -OH GROSS!

She injected a little something into the drip and the ache went away again but not fully — they didn’t want me to forget!!

We watched telly for a while but it was all in Swiss or French and we didn’t understand much if any of it. My head felt like there were ants running round in it. I couldn’t even breathe properly — if I sucked in a big breath, the knife that was stuck in me made the pain almost unbearable.

I started to feel like I was trapped.

I kept my face straight for Mum and Dad and tried to look like I was normal. They went back to their room at about 9pm and told me they’d be back in the morning with chocolates and grapes and a bottle of Kirsch — I asked what it was and they said Swiss Cherry Schnapps!(I got the chocolates but Dad kept the Plonk!).

I slept fitfully and sometime during the night I rang the bell because I was in even more pain. It was cycling and throbbing with an occasional stab. My groin felt hot and stingy with a background ache that felt like I was constipated and had been for the last three years..

The nurse checked my bandages and upped my dose slightly. “You have stabbing pain, yes?” I nodded, “That will be the nerves reconnecting one by one — this will happen for a long time.” She smiled By 8 am I was feeling really seedy and the nurse said I had a little temperature.

The doctor came at 9.0 to see me and inspect his handiwork — he checked my readings and put me on panadol to lower my temperature.

The nurse uncovered my wound and the doctor took a look, “Well that as nice a piece of work as I’ve seen young lady — and of that there can now be no doubt.” He smiled enigmatically and asked the nurse for a hand mirror. “Would you like to see the new you? It’s a bit bruised and swollen but there can be no doubt. In a few days, the swelling will go down and you’ll be absolutely normal!” He handed me the mirror and I angled it to view my new vagina.

It looked like a train wreck to my unpractised eye. But if the doctor was pleased, then I was so I smiled and lay back happy it was all over. Somethng niggled the back of my mind.

“Doctor, I have this stabbing pain every so often — feels like someone has poked me with a sharp pin.”

“That’s quite expected Jenny, the nerves that have been cut are joining back together and they give off a few sparks to initiate contact. They settle down quite quickly but there are a lot of nerves to reconnect so it will happen for quite a while.” The doctor repeated basically what the nurse had said. I was reassured but not happy about it — it was darned sore.

I felt better in about twenty minutes — amazing stuff Panadol. The doc said the high temperature was a mild reaction to the anaesthetic.

Excellent — I wasn’t ill. My operation was a success — apparently — though to me it looked quite an ugly wound. The stabbing continued every few minutes — some were quite loud as pain goes, most were like a sharp pin. I tried to get used to them.

Mum and dad came in just as the doctor was leaving. He shook their hand and talked with them for a minute then left looking quite the hero.

Mum and dad rushed over and gave me a hug, “The doctor said your operation looked very good and he expected an almost scar free result.” Mum gushed excitedly.

“Almost?” I looked at her.

“He said the scar would be under your pubic hair and would be hard to see even if it wasn’t.” She added to appease me — I could only wait and see. I have to admit to myself that the wound looked quite horrific and it was totally numb. I wondered if it would get better.

I was coming off my high pretty fast, I hope I didn’t get the blues before I learnt to accept me.

I winced as another pain hit me.

“What was that?” mum looked worried.

“The doctor said my wiring was being re attached and it was being tested nerve by nerve — it feels very strange as some of it is inside me and some is outside — I think I’m getting a feeling from the bit that isn’t there any ore as well.” I looked a bit embarrassed at that and mum coloured slightly.

“I think that may be what’s called phantom limb syndrome.” Mum explained. Soldiers who’d lost legs said they could feel their toes itching and things.”

“Phantom limb? I don’t think it counts as a limb, it wasn’t that big!” I had to grin and dad stifled a chuckle too. Mum smiled broadly — I guess we’re not too far apart in our sense of humour

“Cheeky monkey… Well,” She leaned in close to me, and whispered, “the doctor said he had plenty of material to work with so it must have been big enough!”

This time I coloured up.

STAB…. “Oooh that hurts, I guess the pain killers are wearing off again.” I twisted a bit trying to get comfy. Despite the bed being contoured to fit and having plenty of pillows it was rapidly getting me down.

The nurse came quite quickly after I pressed the bell “Can I get some more panadol please?”

She consulted the chart, “Only if you’re really sore, if you can stand it for 30 minutes more, I’ll be happier to give you some then.”

“I guess so,” I grimaced ungraciously.

“Don’t be like that darling, the nurse is just doing her job.” Mum chided.

I burst into tears, “It hurts mummy, it really does, I’m trying to be brave, honestly I am,” I felt like a two year old but the incessant background buzz of sore and achiness had its grip on me and there didn’t seem to be anywhere to hide.

“Mum gathered me into her arms, I cold feel her hot tears on my shoulder as they soaked into my nighty. “It’ll get better darling, I promise. Be a brave little girl for us for a little while — it is only for a day or two and it will be all over.”

I hugged her back as hard as I could and dad even joined in, hugging us both.

After a while the pain seemed to lessen and I felt drowsy — I guess it takes it out of you. Dad’s eyes were a bit pink too so we all felt a little sad and tired.

I slipped into a half sleep .

Lunch arrived, soup and a white bread sandwich — there was egg and lettuce in it. The soup was a consommé but tasted great.

I scoffed the lot in minutes. The nurse brought me a jelly with cream — she told me she wasn’t allowed to give it to me until I’d finished my sandwich!!!

Mum and dad were offered a cuppa and some biscuits to keep me company..

After lunch they decided to let me rest as I was quite groggy and went for a walk.

When they told the nurse she said the doctor was returning to remove the packing at 2 pm and could they make it later then 5 pm as there was some clinical work to be done and I’d be engaged for a while.

Dad wiggled his eyebrows at me and gave me a wave — “see you at 5 baby.”

I laid back and the next I knew the doctor was shaking me gently.

“Jennifer. Wake up little one.” The doctor’s gentle voice penetrated the foggy dream I was having where Paul was trying to get into my bra — when I came to I realised my nighty was strangling me as it had got twisted round my chest.

The doctor was scratching the back of my hand..

“Nurse could you remove the dressing while I scrub up please.”

“Certainly, doctor” the nurse folded back the covers and my nighty was tucked up under my chin, “I’m going to put a pillow under your knees dear, could you part your legs as far as is comfortable.” The nurse helped me get into a comfortable yet very undignified position. I couldn’t see anything as my head was back but a breeze wafted over my bare skin and felt deliciously cool as the dressing was removed.

“That’s healing very nicely Jennifer. What I’m going to do now is remove the packing which is holding your vagina open. There’s quite a lot of it but it will come out quite easily. When it does, a lot of the pain will diminish — ok?” The doctor picked up a pair of scissors off the tray the nurse held and I heard a couple of clicks — presumably as the stitches were cut. The doctor started pulling out a load of tape - it seemed endless

As he did, the pain eased from full on to maybe 10% - I let out a huge sigh.

“That feels better eh?” I could hear the smile in the doctor’s voice

“Oh yes doc, that feels a lot better — thank you, I don’t know how much longer I could have stood that awful pain.” I was almost seeing stars as the loose endorphins bounced around inside — What a high.

“That looks a lot better already, you are healing very fast, It is good you are so young. Healing is a lot faster when you are fit and young.” He turned to the nurse and said. “Right , I think the catheter and drips can come out now and just a light dressing over the wound I think.” Turning back to me. “Right Miss Holland, I’m all done for today, I’ll see you in the morning. If you need to pass water, tell the nurse and she will assist you — please do not get out of bed unaided..”

“Thanks doctor, I will, goodnight.” I smiled in relief and an overwhelming sense of peace. When pain is removed like that, nothing seems to be enough to give thanks to.

I expect religion is very much a part of that feeling of euphoria.

The doctor turned at the door and said, “Today was good , tomorrow will be better, but the hard work begins.” With an enigmatic smile he closed the door.