Part 11
The continuing story of Jenny Holland

by Jennifer Christine

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When the bus pulled away I looked at the other girls and they looked a bit devastated but strangely happy.

“Don’t know what to say, it was all wonderful until that car crash scene.” Carol held her face in her hands. “Those poor guys all twisted up like that.”

“C’mon let’s get the bus and get cleaned up and stuff.” I suggested.

We no longer felt like youngsters- we felt old and tired — we’d witnessed what looked like a killing field with our friends once removed lying in it unmoving..

We barely spoke on the way home. We all hugged and parted to our various houses and promised to phone as soon as we knew something.

“Hellloooo,” I called as I opened the door..

“I’m through in the kitchen dear,” mum responded warmly “come and tell me all about your day.”

“Yeah, in a minute mum. Is Nigel in?

“No dear. You sound upset, what’s happened? come in here where I can see you — I hate talking through doors.”

I walked through and as soon as mum saw me she rushed to me and hugged me “What on Earth is the matter? You look like death warmed over.”

“It was horrible mum, we saw a car smash and it was friends of ours — do you remember Chris with the red mini in the year behind Nige? They were all broken up mum and squashed into the mini - it looked like they were dead mum”. I couldn’t bear it I wailed into my mums shoulder.
Mum rubbed my back and slowly I subdued to hiccoughs and snuffles.

“Come and sit down and I’ll make us a cuppa.” Mum’s answer to everything.

“How was the rest of your day?” She looked over at me from the stove.

I coloured up a bit and said nonchalantly — “Ok I guess” I think it must have been too nonchalantly — mum pounced. “Oh yes, tell me more.”

Well I … do you remember Paul at all? — I used to sit next to him. When I was a sprog (new boy at school).
I ended up with him all day.” I coloured up as I thought about it.

Mum watched me, smirking a bit , “Go on.” She invited.

“He’s really nice mum, he’s really grown up and is very sweet and so kind,” I tried to skirt round the word forming in my head.
“You mean hunky and delicious?” She suggested.

“I don’t know what you mean.” I pouted unsuccessfully.

“Been there, done that, remember that guy that comes in here at 5.30 most days — that’s what he was like. You be careful missy — “ mum flushed and went silent for a second.. “I was going to suggest something then but I’ll leave it at Be careful.”

“You were going to say don’t get pregnant weren’t you? I laughed for a moment then it hit me worse than ever and I sobbed,” I can never get pregnant- I can’t even make love. Oh mum I wish it was all over, I’m getting really frustrated.” I felt like crying again but it wasn’t going to happen — I had no more tears left. For now.

I sipped my tea and dunked a digestive biscuit in it — life is never quite as simple as it appears to be.

B-r-i-n-g , B-r-i-n-g — I lifted the handset before it rang a second time.
“Hello, Jenny Holland” I swallowed.
“Hi it’s me,” Paul said quietly. “How are you?“
“Are they ok? I’m fine. Tell me they’re not dead pleeeaaasse” I urged.
“No, they’re ok, Grahams got busted ribs Jeremy’s got a face full of glass cuts and a broken jaw, Richard has a cracked skull and Chris has multiple crush fractures but no spinal damage — skull was cracked by Jeremy’s jaw apparently.
He going to be out of it for a while but they’re all going to mend ok.” Paul’s voice was melodic and soothing.

“Thank God for that,” I suddenly felt drained like the tension had been taken out of my spine. “I shall sleep better knowing they’re not at death’s door”

“Well Chris isn’t exactly doing a ‘singing in the rain’ impression but he’s stable.”
Paul chided.

“Well ok, I promise not to sleep too soundly then, I shall certainly say a prayer for them, it must have been horrible to know you’re going to crash — do the know what happened.?” I was wound up like a clock spring

“Chris’s brother said a witness had seen this car coming over the safety barrier from the other side about ten foot in the air and it landed right in front of Chris’s car. Apparently it was doing way over the speed limit.”

“Whoo, in the rain too.” My head hurt thinking about it.

“So besides that, did you enjoy today?” Paul’s voice softened.

“Oh did I enjoy it? Well my knight in shining armour, I have to say that the day was beyond my wildest dreams. It’s a pity your white horse was a white bus.” I lightened up considerably knowing that the crash victims were safe.

So what are you doing tomorrow — there’s a new James Bond I haven’t seen — would you like to be my arm candy?

“Cheek, arm candy — I’ve already told you I’m going to be a Nobel Prize winning physicist. You can be my arm candy.” I laughed and he joined me.

“O.K-a-y — look I wanna get cleaned up, I’ll ring you later ok? I just wanted to let you know that the guys were still kicking.” Paul sounded like he needed a pee.

“Well, only if you tell me you miss me” I whined.

“Miss who? who are you anyway?” I could hear him smile “Course I miss you, I wouldn’t ring you if I didn’t silly moo.”

“Seeya,” I kissed the mouthpiece. I heard an echo.

Click — I was happy.

“They’re gonna be ok and I’m going to the pictures tomorrow.” I shouted out so mum could hear - I wallowed in my happiness.

A brief echo, “That’s nice dear.” came from the kitchen.

It wasn’t long before a routine established itself and Paul and I were seen as an item.
The longer it went on, the harder it was for me to contain myself and the harder it was to stop myself from lying.
I got a brief respite when Paul got a nasty flu bug for a few days and then when I got it from him and he couldn’t see me for a few days.

The boys in hospital were soon out except for Chris who was in hospital for months — though he was moved to a local one.
We all went to see him at some point but whilst he was brave, it was obvious he wasn’t going to be his old self for a long time.

As the autumn term progressed, Paul decided he’d like to move the relationship to the next level and I had to make a decision whether to tell him or hold him off for longer or dump him completely.
I hurt like anything as my conscience fought with my libido and my heart fought with my head.

“What should I do mum? Paul is never going to want to see me again and I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him to hurt ME.”

“Why do you need to tell him,” mum looked up from the sweater she was knitting for Nigel in some ghastly double-double knit orange wool — she looked at my eyes widen and then the blush. “Oh, I see. Getting bored with cuddles — Well I guess the only way you’re going to get out of it is to start to distance yourself from him.”

“How am I supposed to do that? We see each other practically every day.” I whined a bit as I really didn’t WANT to lose him but I knew I had to..

B-R-i-n-g B-R-i-n-g B-R-i-n-g — I picked up the handset knowing it was Paul
“Hi you”. He smooched down the phone.

“Hello Paul, how you doon?”

“What’s with the Hello Paul? Is someone monitoring the call?”

“No, of course not, I’m just a bit distracted; I’m working on this project. For the school science fair, remember? it’s next week and I haven’t got the thing sorted yet..”

“Do you want a hand?”

“Most certainly not, that would be cheating,” I tried not to grin I wanted him to feel a bit cold shouldered.

“Hey, hold on there! What have I done to deserve the ear bleed you’re giving me?” his voice took on a slightly narky edge.

“Well nothing actually but I’m tired and I want to get on do you mind.?” I twisted my voice towards the agitated trying to escalate the damage — my heart lurched, and I wanted to cry and run to him. “I’d really like a bit of space sometimes, you know?”

I heard a gasp from the other end of the phone, “Jen? Are you alright, you sound like someone’s got you by the throat?”

I took a deep shuddering breath, “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.” Oh no, now I’m giving him mixed signals — he’ll want to come over and see me now.

“This isn’t your time of the month or something is it?” He asked cautiously.

Tears started to form in my eyes and leaked down my cheek as I stood there trying not to let him hear me sob.
I managed to gather myself a bit, “ I’ll catch you later eh?” I put the phone down and howled out loud mum came running out of the kitchen and dad came running out of the lounge. “Goodness, I thought you’d impaled yourself on a fire iron for a minute, what on Earth is the matter?” Dad held me as I sobbed.
Mum put her hand on my arm and drew my attention “Paul?” She only had to say that one word, I nodded and disappeared back into my father’s safe embrace.

The phone rang again and Mum answered it. “No Paul, she’s in her room and said she doesn’t want to be disturbed.” Mum continued after a moment. “I don’t know dear, perhaps she’s worried that you’re getting too close, don’t forget we’re moving to Australia in a few months and we’ve a lot to do and a lot to think about. “… “Yes I know you do pet, but it’s not going to be easy to say goodbye for either of you is it?”

I stood there like a stone statue imagining Paul’s face as he realised I was throwing away our relationship. My father’s arms protected me physically but my heart was being wrenched this way and that by the tide of my emotions.

I felt at once both sick and dizzy — like I’d been poisoned

I wanted to reach out and take the phone from my mother and tell Paul it was ok and that I loved him — but I knew it would destroy whatever chance I had of staying innocent of being duplicitous. I was lying to stop the bigger lie from showing.

Suddenly I realised I was lying on my bed and Dad was wiping my brow with a cool wet towel. “It’s ok darling, you fainted — I think you held your breath until you passed out.” He looked into my eyes and checked to see if anyone was home. “Mum’s off the phone now, Paul said he’d check you out tomorrow.” His look of concern made me nearly wail again.

I sat up suddenly, getting room spin and nearly catching dad under the chin with my head. “I mustn’t see him again, I’ve got to get away and and….and I’m not making sense am I?” I looked at Dad and he raised an eyebrow.

“Well not really, in normal terms, but I can see where you’re coming from.” He squeezed my hand. “Go and wash your face and comb your hair, you’ll feel better.”

He got up and left me in the half light of the bedroom. What light there was spilling from the hall onto where I had lain on my bed, the ruffled counterpane showing where dad had sat to tend me and the silhouette of my body showing in the wrinkles like a ghost of Paul’s girlfriend slipping silently into the night. I pulled the counterpane straight and shut the door and went and washed my face..

I was hurting, but the first blow had been dealt and I knew that I could do it even though I hated to. All I had to do was keep it up.

There were only 5 weeks to Christmas and my operation.

Wendy and I were wandering along for the bus to school when a car pulled up next to us and Paul got out. To say I was stunned was a little short of the mark but his face looked like it had been jumped on — he looked like he hadn’t slept.

“Jen — I needed to see you,” Paul blurted out, “I just wanted to check you’re alright.”

I knew how he was feeling, I had looked in the mirror this morning and could see exactly the same effect on my face — I felt as I looked.

“Hi sweetie,” I leaned into him and his arms went round me like a glove. It felt so nice. I could feel his relief flooding his system — I could feel his hammering heart slow and become soft and regular as mine was doing. This was not going as planned.

I lifted my head and his lips met mine — my eyes went all shiny and two small tears escaped and ran back to my ears. Arrrrgh — no — I couldn’t let this happen.

“No! NO! stop!” I pushed him away, he looked confused and a bit angry.

“Jen, what’s up, what’s happening?” his eyes pleading his hands open in supplication.

“I can’t do this any more, it’s not fair. I don’t want to fall in love and then lose you. Go away, find someone else to love — someone who isn’t going to Australia.” I turned away from him devastated, and ran for the bus with my head down. I could see him from the corner of my eye next to the car, folorn, confused, sad, angry.

Wendy caught me up and ran beside me, “Jeez girl what’s got you all in a fit with a leg in the air?”

I looked at her as the bus and we arrived at the stop together.

“I’ll tell you when I get my breath back,” I gasped and sobbed as I grabbed the pole and pulled myself onto the back of the bus.

I slumped in a seat and Wendy sat gently beside me her whole face one big question mark. She was concerned and her hands rested on mine as I sat gasping and shaking my head to try to rid me of the emotion in there.

“Wendy, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be so out of it, it’s just Paul, I think I’m falling in love with him and I can’t afford to — he’s too close and I don’t want him to know the truth about me.” Tear continued to flood from my eyes. I continued, ”he wants more than I can give him and I want to give him more than I have.”

A light went on in Wendy’s head. “Oh my God, I completely forgot about — you know what... How awful for you.” Her arm went protectively round my shoulder and she rubbed my back.

I felt very sorry for myself.

It felt like a long time to get to school and the day dragged on like it was 40 hours long.

It was not a good day and I went straight home after school, avoiding the usual coffee house visit on the way home. Wendy kept me company whenever she could and comforted me. We came to no conclusions as to how to resolve the dilemma.

When I opened the door mum was already home and after one look at me came over and helped me out of my coat and gave me a huge hug as I just stood there like a wounded doe, head down and panting with my eyes bugged out in shock at how I’d got myself into this position and no way out. I felt totally trapped.

“Come on petal, come and sit in the warm, I’ll get us both a nice cuppa.”

She led me into the kitchen and we sat at the table — a mug of tea appeared in front of me and I placed my hands round it, warming them. I hadn’t realised how cold I was.
I felt her hand on my back as she bent towards me.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Not really, it’s just a stupid corner I’ve got myself in and all I really have to do is wait and it’ll all die out — I just think it’ll make me die a bit as well and it hurts like hell.”

“Well that’s a very mature attitude, and a very correct appraisal, but I guess it doesn’t help much in the meantime huh?”

I shook my head and my hair danced, “He’s so lovely mum and I’m going to lose him.”

“Don’t blame yourself pet, this is one of those unavoidable points that make us know we’re alive.”

I nodded miserably, “It’s just a shame it hurts so much.”

We sipped our tea as the light dwindled; dad came in a little while later and found us sat in semidarkness, “Hello, what have we got here, a wake?”

“Yeah, I guess you could call it that.” I replied as he flicked the light switch and life flooded back into the house.