X-Why-Me…Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Kira bit her lower lip. “I like you Emily, I do I like you a lot…and I’m…I’m attracted to you…I know that this is maybe a shock to you or maybe not but I want to get to know you better….if that’s just as friends great but…you deserve to know that I’ve been kind of crushing on you a little since we met…”

The attack had really messed Emily up and she had a few bruises and they were pretty bad but that night when she’d gotten home it just kept popping up. How pissed they were and how much Jack and Trent wanted to really hurt her.

And then there was Matt showing up and being so darned great…and saved her.

But Kira too, she dropped everything she was doing and rushed to her and then she’d pretty much admitted she liked Emily.

So the first night home after all of this she bounced between nightmares of Jack and Trent hurting her or worse to being awake and thinking about Kira.

And Kira was seriously easy for her to think about.

She ended up not getting more than three spotty hours of sleep and her Mom had phoned her in as being “sick” and that she was going to take some time. That was one of the surprises in this. Her mom. She was sort of either expecting her to baby her and smother her or be in that social shock my daughter’s a lesbian or something freak out like she had when they had found out that Emily was CAIS. After all it was what everyone was likely talking about with what Jack and Trent had been ranting about.

Instead she was there and supportive, quiet hugs at first and she ran her a bath but she sort of gave her comfort and space and even kept Angie from getting smothering close. It was nice Angie wanted to be there and do the sister thing but…

She just felt so…raw.

And there was this look in her mother’s eyes that said she knew. Women…regardless of what kind of women that they are usually and unfortunately have been victimized by men…not all men but some asshole or assholes will have crossed their paths. And her mom…given her reputation…she’d likely been more than likely…experienced in someone being assaulted.

And despite the way she and her mom usually were this sort of made up the difference.

Angie did though get up extra early the next morning and came down an hour before she usually did to get ready for school and she crawled into bed and held Emily.

She really did appreciate the gesture.

It was a little weird being home alone from school and not being actually sick. Her dad checked on her.

“Hey kiddo you doing okay?”

Emily shifted under her comforter. “Yeah, I guess dad, just kinda…I dunno, messed up?”

“You want to talk?”

“No, I’m just trying to wrap my head around what Jack did.”

“I don’t get it either Em; no guy should act like that.”

“But why do the dad? What’s wrong if I was into Kira and not him?”

“Some guys…I don’t know Em, I was going to say some guys get jealous but I don’t get it either. There’s jealous sure and even mad yeah but getting violent….I just don’t get it honey.”

“Dad…that’s okay that’s a good thing.”

He looked at her and slid him hands into his pockets. “So Kira huh?”

Emily blushed. “Yeah…maybe, I don’t know.”

“She’s a looker.”

“Daaad.”

“Just saying, if you are thinking you might like girls you could do a lot worse.”

“I know.” Emily flopped backwards on the bed. “It’s not just that she’s so gorgeous but she’s brave too and she’s nice.”

“Nice is good, nice is really good.”

“Really? It seems all the popular girls are bitches.”

“Being good looking doesn’t make someone a good person Em I always like to think life kind of actually starts after high school.”

“Mom says that high school’s the best time of my life.”

Her dad shrugged. “Honestly your mom’s saying that because that’s when she was on top.”

Emily looked at him. “Does that make you mad?”

“No, not really. I mean I get it, I get her and she’s been through a lot. Honestly Emily I love your Mom, but I love her because of her scars.”

“Huh?”

“When we were your age your mom’s not the kind of girl that I’d have gone out with.”

“But she was pretty and popular don’t all guys want the cheer-hottie?”

“Not me and a lot of other guys too and that’s not because we were mad because we weren’t good enough like some of them say. Some of us just wanted the nice girl, someone that fun to be with and go out with and you like.”

“And if I want that too? With a girl?”

“Honey, love and caring and all those good things have never, ever depended on gender.”

“And Mom? You love her now?”

“Oh definitely honey. You’re mom is such a decent person, sweet and loving too.”

“Mom?” She asked sort of surprised.

“Emily your mom wears some of the thickest armor; she’s had to grow it.”

“Dad…?”

He sort of had this soft smile on his face. “She can tell some of that to you on her own honey.”

“Dad?”

“Yes honey?”

“Thanks, I mean…I mean it helped.”

“You’re welcome honey.”

He left and her mom came down. “Hey…”

“Hi Mom.”

“You need anything?”

“No, I think I’m good.”

“You’ll be okay here alone?”

“Yeah I think so.”

“Okay, do me a favor?”

“Sure mom.”

“Come upstairs and lock the doors behind us?”

“Okay mom.”

She still took her comforter and had it wrapped around her as everyone left and she watched the car go and went to make a pot of coffee. And looked around for some comfort food before she went back downstairs to her room to look on her computer.

She abandoned her food search in the need for some comfort and ended up running herself a hot bubble bath and sinking into it with a wince for her bruises. Definite bruises on her shoulder and her hip from bouncing herself off the wall to get away.

It felt good though once the heat got in there and she started to relax and think. She was always thinking lately ever since she had found out about being XY CAIS, it had changed things. She knew it hadn’t really changed everything but it had changed everything.

Genetically a boy.

It worms its way into a persons head.

Emily pulled her legs up and felt her body…she had a female body, well except for her insides…she never felt like a boy she really didn’t know how a boy felt? But inside…now? She was sort of sure she didn’t feel all girl now.

It made her wonder, and she was kind of sick of asking herself why me?

Emily sighed and slid a hand down her body, down the curve of her pelvis and slip her fingers over her labia.

Sigh…no boy could feel like this right?

Emily shivered in a good way as her fingers made the nerves down there dance with joy. She bit her lip and inhaled through her nose as she sank two fingers inside and the fullness mixed with the heat of the hot water.

It was nothing like…boy’s could feel this, the feeling of something this…she moved her fingers deeper and back and forth her clitty rigid enough she let each finger slip passed either side of it.

She moaned, bit her lip some more.

She was a girl…Her name was Emily, she’d always been raised as a girl she had parts like a girl and a boy would never want more of that feeling as she moved her fingers inside and outside of herself.

Emily slipped into that place where you close your eyes or they go half lidded as you think about that someone else that was doing the things to you that you were doing but wanted them to.

Or as Angie would crudely say picturing someone doing you while she was Jilling-off.

At first it was a boy, she was thinking of a guy and it was pretty ambigious too, the guy she just sort of couldn’t get him to take shape as she was in the middle of the fantasy of him moving inside her and she arched her back and panted through her first orgasm and it was halfway into her second when he became Kira wearing a strap on toy…or it was Kira’s fingers sinking into her.

And this time Emily was sure that it made a difference. That it being Kira made her want it more, want her touch and made her wetter.

Emily lasted until her forth before she was spent and at the same time she was done because it wasn’t her. There was sort of this point were all that release was great but it was just that release and not what she was really was craving and that was to be with Kira.

She wasn’t even sure if the need was entirely sexual and or that she just wanted to be with her, to share the same space with her.

Sated and pruned from being in the bath that long she dried off and crawled back into new pajamas and her cookie monster slippers and she got another coffee and went upstairs and got the lap top and she moved herself and her comforter into the living room and she watched TV and surfed the internet looking up CAIS girls online and seeing just what was what while she ate Honey Nut Cheerios right from the box.

Emily thought after a few hours of reading and munching that she was actually really lucky. Some CAIS women were not as lucky as she was. Oh there were some of them that sort of hit this stereotype that being CAIS XY was like this recipe for super female but for most it wasn’t she saw and read stories of CAIS girls that were like her slender and not really busty or some that seemed to be overburdened with huge bust and their bottom conditions all seemed to be a gambit too many XY CAIS girls were shallow like Emily was and some of them even more. Some of these girls almost lacked a clitoris or had an oddly shaped one and some girls were so small inside they needed lube and dilating before they could even get close to intercourse.

And some of the pictures and things she had seen where pretty graphic and at the same time made her feel that she was a lot less freaky that she thought she was.

It was about two on the afternoon before she got dressed out of her Pj’s and went outside and got some of the wood in and worked away at her chores. There was only so much TV and computer she could watch without feeling like a slug.

She even took advantage of the time home to wash and put some potatoes on to bake slowly for supper and cook up some hamburger patties in some frozen gravy with lots of onions all nice and slow like homemade Salisbury steaks she’s open some canned veggies to go as a side and she made one of the few desserts that she could make well from Home Ec. Peanut putter pie.

She used just a graham wafer crust and she took a bowl of Jello brand Butterscotch pudding mix and she added 2 cups of microwave softened peanut butter to it and blended it all together by the time the pudding set up the peanut butter would be all through the pie. Some whipped cream on top and that’s it.

He sister came home first and she had Emily’s homework with her and the second night home was still kind of quiet but a bit less strained. She went to bed early or rather to her bedroom and worked away at her homework until her phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey, how are you feeling?” It was Kira’s voice and she could feel this little zing happen through her.

“Better now that I got to her from you.” Emily blushed and she smiled and grabbed a pillow and tucked it under herself hugging it.

“Really?” There was an anxious sound in her voice?

“Yes really…I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

“You have?”

“Yes, a lot.”

“Oboy…and?”

“I like you too, I really like you too.”

“Really!?” Emily smiled and bit her lips.

Kira sounded so happy about that and it gave her those awesome tickling warm butterflies inside. She’s never really gotten that kind of happy return from someone before that liked her.

“Yes really.” She couldn’t help it but she laughed as she said it.

“Wow…” Oh that was sexy and breathless.

Emily smiled just at the sound of that and at the thought of (Did I do that?) it was really heady and very buzzy happy feeling. Then there was a crashing sound in the back ground and there was the sound of breaking fragile things and she winced.

“You’re at the diner?”

“Uhm yeah, dad tripped over something. I got to go there’s white bowls and plates everywhere.”

“Okay…be careful.”

Kira laughed and it was a really nice laugh too. “Okay, I will are you sure you’re okay?”

“I will be now.”

“Okay I’ll see you later?”

“I’m…I’m uhm taking tomorrow off too, Mom want’s me to decompress I think.”

“It’s a good idea; it takes awhile to shake it off.” Kira’s voice was kind of serious sounding, like speaking from experience.

“Are you going to be okay Kira? It sounds like this brought stuff up?”

“Yeah, just some bad memories from home.”

“I thought people’d be cool about you out there in California.”

“Just some, Just some Em.”

“Hey…”

“Yeah?”

“Hugs.”

“Thanks, I’ll talk to you later?”

“Sure.”

Emily went to bed and she had lots of good dreams that night, good Kira dreams and some were spicy and hot but others we her mind drifting to the maybes and other things that might be. Like kissing or walking and holding hands or just cuddled together watching a movie.

The next morning was sort of the same drill except for having been woken by a rude dream of Trent and some faceless thugs breaking up her and Kira’s date with a baseball bat and a lot of nasty words she had slept well.

She had breakfast with the family and Angie took her assignments she had finished with her to drop them at her classes which was nice and her dad was getting ready to take some clients out to some fishing lodge place with the float plane.

She started the dishes and her mom was making herself another coffee for the road and Emily turned around and leaned against the sink.

“Mom…?”

“Yes honey?”

“I think I might be a lesbian.”

“………………………”

“Mom?”

“………………………”

“Mom…..?”

“I…I heard you….are you sure?”

“Kind of….there’s this girl that I really like.”

“Oh….”

“Yeah….”

“Are you sure?”

“No…we’ve never done anything not even like the light stuff but we’ve both kind of said that we’ve liked each other.”

“Oh…”

“Mom?”

“Yes Emily?”

“Are you okay?”

“No…but…but I will be…I’ll try to give this a chance.”

“You will?”

Her mom looked at her and she was upset Emily could just tell by the color and the expression on her face but her eyes were teary too. “Yes baby I will, I reacted so badly when all this CAIS stuff started and I shouldn’t have.”

“Okay….I love you mom.”

Her mother came over and hugged her tightly. “I love you too Emily. And thanks for telling me…like before you and this girl got started…It’ll take time to get used to.”

“I know mom, for me too…heck I never planned any of this.”

They hugged and her mom left and made her lock the doors again. Emily couldn’t help a bit of a cry as she did the dishes. She knew she was lucky as far as reactions went and stuff but it was till sort of scary and there was still the fact that as time went on her mom still might not be good with it.

And then there was how she acted before.

She wiped her eyes and she went online again this time trying to find out more stuff about her father. This time she remembered that Seattle was in Washington State and not in Oregon.

It took her a lot of time looking and going over the things that she had looked up before and it still led up to nothing really there were little snippets of the stuff she had already had learned but that was it.

She’s even logged into a genealogy site to try and research his side of the family which was interesting she had some Dutch and some Scottish in her family who had come out this way in the western expansion and worked as farmers and ranchers and in some of the mines.

She was actually getting into it and she was reading in on one of her great uncles that was a WW2 pilot that had come back from the war to start a crop dusting company when she saw a tag pop up from and Erica Stevens. Emily logged into the chat function and sent her a poke.

[Hello Erika?]

[Yes?]

[I’m Emily.]

[Hi Emily nice to meet you.]

[Likewise, it’s weird to meet family here that I don’t know.]

[Not really, I’ve met some other’s distant relatives and things.]

[Oh, it’s my first time on this thing.]

[I’m on here a lot looking up things, or trying to.]

[School project?]

[No, looking up names and then trying to backtrack my medical history.]

[Oh, wow I should have thought of that.]

[Oh?]

[My dad bailed out when I was little and split, I’m here looking for clues.]

[Oh…that sucks sorry.]

[It’s okay, I’m used to it but I have a sort of condition that it would really help if I knew more on.]

[Me too.]

[Looking for a donor…lol.]

[…Yes.]

[Eep, shit sorry!!!]

[……….Rotfl!]

[Bitch you were lying!]

[You started it making the joke.]

[Okay, okay so why are you looking for medical stuff?]

[Genetic condition….]

[Really?]

[Yeah…I’m a girl only I’m not.]

[……………..holy shit….]

[PAIS…I don’t process my guy stuff right and I’m not a girl and stuff but I’ve never ever felt right with the guy bits.]

[It might run in the family.]

[Huh?]

[I’m XY CAIS.]

[Whoa…]

[Yeah.]

[You on Facebook?]

[Yeah.]

[Switch over?]

[Okay.]

They both ended up switching over and she sort of felt a kinship to Erika especially after seeing her pictures. Before getting made up she looked like a freckly but very pretty and femme boy and just with her regular make up she didn’t just pass but she was pretty.

They talked and chatted trading stories and Erika lived out on the East coast in Rhode Island and was twenty three and going to community college while trying to transition.

There was a lot different with their situations but there was a lot there Emily just identified with and everything.

Then Erika had an idea.

“You family runs a business right?”

“Yeah?”

“If you can find your dad’s social security number then you could do a background check on him like for his record of employment maybe and that might spit out some of his addresses or the places that he’s worked.”

“I can do that?”

“Maybe I don’t know but you’d need his social first and it might work? Hey even if you got just a list of past employers you could call them for his mailing addy and stuff.”

“Okay, I’ll try that.”

“Cool.”

“No meeting you was very cool, please let’s keep in touch?”

“I’d really like that and hey maybe if your family’s good with it I might hop out there when I get sick of here.”

“That’d be cool.”

They logged off and she heard a car pulling up and saw Matt pulling in with Angie and a quick look showed she’d spent most of the day talking with Erika. She unlocked the doors and opened them and looked at her little sister who looked all too pleased that she was in the car with Matt.

Angie pretty much strutted herself inside and Emily looked at Matt who came up to the deck.

“Hey, how are you holding up?”

“Good, I’m okay how about you?’

“Three days detention for mostly not getting the faculty involved.”

“That’s not fair.”

He smiled and shrugged. “It’s actually pretty fair considering the violence and stuff. It could have been worse with the schools policies.”

“Yeah well they didn’t stop Jack.”

“No, or Trent or some of the others in that whole bunch.”

“Whole bunch?”

“Teananderthals. Red-necks, the whole anti-gay anti women pro-job anti-Obama racist bigoted bunch.”

“Oh…you mean most of town.”

He shook his head. “No not really….well yeah but we’re trying to make it better.”

“We?”

“I’m into the LGBT rights and stuff.”

“You’re gay?”

“No…but some of my friends are and I stick by the people I care about not their sexual orientation or gender identity.”

“Wow…”

“Not really Em, it’s actually about 80/20 for in school.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, we’re the next generation and I don’t know about my friends but I’m already tired of the bullshit.”

Emily nodded. “Me too.”

Matt nodded. “That bullshit these days sometimes equals bullets.”

Emily nodded. “People with no hope and nothing to live for generally don’t have anything to lose when they hit the breaking point.”

Matt nodded. “I guess I have a different perspective on it my dad’s older sister was in the Kent shooting.”

“Oh…? I don’t know that one.”

“Happened a long time ago but dad’s been on the whole topic ever since.”

“Cool though it’d be hard sometimes right?”

“Yeah but just watching the news and I get it.”

“I don’t watch the news too depressing.”

“Yeah but I can’t help it. I need to see and hear the BS out there.”

“You’re smarter than the average jock Matt?”

“Well gee ummmm golly thanks.”

She laughed. “Sorry it’s just y’know the stereotype. Thanks for bringing Angie back even though she was way too happy about being in the car with you.”

“No problem, I was actually wanting to talk to you.”

“You were?”

“Yeah, I’d like to actually ask you a favor?”

“Uhm me?”

“Yeah, you. I saw the way that you pinballed off the wall to get away from Trent and jack and I was wondering if you think that you’d be interested in playing lacrosse?”

“Lacrosse? But there isn’t a girl’s team.”

“Nope but the team has an opening as of last week since Craig Phillips broke his leg.”

“And you want me to play?”

“I was thinking about it. Emily you’ve done track, you can run and jump and stuff and that showed me you’re really agile and there’s no guys that have tried out that are any good. The guys that could fill in are all in other sports and can’t fit the time in.”

“So you ask any of the other girls?”

“No, but I will…I’ll talk to the coach about try outs for the girls.”

“Can we play?”

“There’s nothing in the rules that says a girl can’t. And you’re a sub player so it’d been likely more okay or they’d have to forfeit the season.”

“But why you? You’re not on the team?”

“Student council.” He smiled.

Emily thought about it and there was an odd sort of appeal to it and it might even maybe just be like the thing that gave her this whole cushion when she might eventually come out.

“Okay…you get some other girls to try out and get the coach and the team on board and I’ll do it.”

“Cool thanks.”

“Uhm Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“How the heck do you play it anyhow?”

Matt smiled at her. “I just so happened to have a ball and some sticks.”