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I knew it was coming down. Thirty years of experience told me that. Marushia and Jennings were on the hose line. I'll never understand these houses on the south side; falling apart, but a sixty inch LCD TV in the living room. Rupp and I were looking for the boy. They always ask the rookies, “Where did you hide as a kid?” First check the closets, then under the bed; that's where you'll find them. Rupp had the child in a mask and was carrying him out. I looked up and saw the cracks and little licks of flame in the ceiling — I knew it was coming down. I yelled at the guys on the hose to cover Rupp and the kid, while I gave him a huge shove in the back. Out the door they went, and down the ceiling came on me. I felt sharp searing pain and then blackness.

My name is Mark Hernandez. I'm a lieutenant in the San Antonio Fire Department. Rescue 21 is my unit; we work out of the south side of SA at station 18. Like I said before, I've been doing this for thirty plus years. It started out as a way to bury my true self in masculinity; become that ‘guy’, then maybe the feelings would go away. Eventually I got good at it, good enough to work my way up to officer. But she never left — Martha stayed inside me all the time.

I married my beautiful wife Inez. We had two kids: one is in college, the other manages a home improvement store. I even have a grandbaby; she is so pretty, and looks like my wife. I never told anyone about Martha. I felt like I was meant to suffer. I became reckless at work, a hero by many standards and rewarded with citations and medals. But no one really knew I had a death wish.

My best friend Steve Pike figured it out; he told me we would “talk about it, now”. He wouldn't let me go until I said what was bothering me. I tried to play it off and lie about it just being stress. He knew I was hiding something; we had been friends too long. He finally got it out of me. The pent up emotions that I had locked inside me all this time came rushing out. Martha was known. And my life was over, right? Wrong, Steve came over to me sat down on the couch and cradled me in his arms. He softly stroked my back and whispered it would be ok.

We were friends. More than friends; we had saved each other’s lives many times over. Something like this would never change that. He asked me to explain it all, and he never stopped holding me. I felt safe, protected, and most of all free. Steve asked how far I was willing to go; I said I was not sure, I still had Inez and the kids to think about. He asked if she might be ok with it, and I stated I honestly didn't know. He thought a minute then said I could be me here at his place whenever I wanted. I gave him a stare and asked how he would feel seeing me in feminine attire; he shrugged and said it doesn't matter, as I was his sister. That started me crying again.

Things settled into a remarkably easy flow after that, I had promised Steve that I would not do anything without checking with him first. We had our off days sync up so I could spend time exploring myself at his house. I belonged to a fiction site, and I blogged about Steve there and let him read it. The blog made him blush when I wrote of his friendship and his habit of saving my life in many different ways. He was always a perennial bachelor, but stopped going out as much and chose to stay home and learn about me. My wife never suspected a thing, but I was starting to really take stock of the situation I was in. I did not want to hurt my wife or my kids so it looked as if this would be as far as Martha ever got. Until that day I knew it was coming down and pushed Jennings out of the way.

When I woke up in the ambulance I looked up into Pike's face. He was yelling at me to stay with him, I couldn't feel much of anything. There was no pain from the burns, no feeling of broken bones; things must be pretty bad then. But I knew this is what I had needed. This was the answer to all the problems. I smiled at Pike. He knew what I was thinking and leaned over to whisper in my ear “don't you dare, Martha — don't you dare leave”. I did say he knew me too well. I strained my voice and said “it’s ok, its better this way; take care of Inez for me”. I lost consciousness again after that. The last thing I heard was Pike's voice telling me to fight it, but I think he knew the answer.

The next time I awoke was in the hospital. Inez was there. I told her I loved her. I really did, you know. I just wish I had the strength to tell her about Martha, but now that wouldn't matter. I reminded her where all the insurance paperwork was. I knew she would be well taken care of. I asked her to let the kids know how much I cared for them. When she started to cry, I let her leave the room and motioned Pike over.

His face was grim; I smiled at him. “Pike, its better this way; I don't have to carry the weight anymore, and Inez never has to know. I can just slip away and everything is solved.” Pike leaned in close to my ear and whispered to me, “you can't go — I just found out about my sister, and I need her; I don't have anyone else”.

My Steve, my brother; I loved him so much. I told him, “I'm sorry Pike; I'm just so tired of hiding and burying myself from the world. You have to let go of me, and take care of Inez — she will need someone strong”. Tears dropping from his eyes, he said, “I need you. No one else knows me or understands me like you do”. After a heavy sigh, he said he would watch over my family. He kissed me on the cheek, and told me it was ok to rest. I whispered “thank you”. I closed my eyes praying that I could finally be me, and let go.

Two figures walked hand in hand towards a lonely tree. In its shade was a small marble bench with a plaque that said,

The two sat on the bench and looked at the two headstones placed side by side. The one on the right was engraved,

The one on the left was similar but said

One of the figures turned and asked the other, "do you think she is ok with me becoming your husband?" The other turned and kissed his cheek and said, "I think she would have wanted us both to be as happy as possible without her. She will always be a part of both of us, and I hope and pray she finally found her peace".