A Winters Tale — The Missing Bit By Julie D Cole I closed my eyes and snuggled to his warm chest. Was this a dream? I daren’t open my eyes. I just felt that I must look a dreadful sight so I daren’t move in case I woke up. But I could feel a heartbeat and it was beating faster as I snuggled tightly and felt his strong arms around me. I never experienced such comfort and I needed this embrace more than ever in my life. He didn’t move forward and I daren’t move backwards. What if he was a dream? He pushed forward his hips and I held firm. I was almost off my feet my now standing on the tips of my toes. My God he smelled nice as I nuzzled into his shoulder. Surely I couldn’t be dreaming if I could smell his deodorant. I opened one eye and saw him looking into my face. His teeth were white as the snow and he smiled. ‘Oh Jake I’m so glad that you are alive and well. I’ve searched for signs on the crag in case you fell and froze to death that night when you left so upset with me. What happened?

I’m sorry but I was angry and really I intended to just show my annoyance that you hadn’t said anything. The trouble is that the storm got worse and I couldn’t see a thing. The snow was blinding me. I tripped and fell and banged my head so I was confused. I must have been going the wrong way after that and eventually I came across a shelter. Someone must have found me because when I finally came to my senses I was in a hospital. But I couldn’t remember anything at all. I’d no identification on me and no recollection of where I’d been or of you.

After a while I started to get bits of my memory back and I remembered my name and where I lived so I was allowed home. I returned to work but I had this total loss of memory that covered the last few years of my life. I started playing golf and football to keep fit and had a few relationships but something was missing in my life.

Then last week I was playing football and I was in a collision and knocked out for a while. When I came around I had a tremendous headache but flashes of memory came back. I remembered our friendship and where I’d been that night. Then I remembered you smiling at me as a woman and not as a man. I was confused because it was like I remembered you as my girlfriend but at the same time I could see you as my best mate. How could I be in love with my best mate? It was a worry to me.

‘I’m sorry for causing all this pain and suffering Jake. I never intended to hurt you or mislead you but for years I’d been dressing as a woman in my own time. It was pretty difficult when we were bunking together and sometimes I wanted to tell you. One night we got drunk if you remember and I came into your bed. You were warm and very turned on as I put my arms around you. I think you must have been visualising me as the woman I wanted to be because you wouldn’t leave me alone. You kissed me all over my body and you were hot for sex. I had no choice even if I’d want to stop you. I liked it and I guess you weren’t to know that we made love that night. I could hardly walk the next day but we both had hangovers so I realised I didn’t need to say anything. Did you have any recollection of that night?’

‘No but all I remember is that sometimes when I looked at you I had a strange feeling and couldn’t decide if I was attracted to you in some strange way.’

‘Jake for a few months I went through a living hell. Everytime we went to bed I’d wanted to join you and I felt so guilty for not being truthfull. Then I made a plan to cook dinner on Christmas Eve and dress and show you the woman in me. I guess I wasn’t the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen because your face was filled with horror and you ran for your life.’

‘So what happened after I left? What did you do?’

‘Well I sat and cried all night and kept waiting for the door to open or for you to knock. I saw the storm and I was worried. Your mobile phone was in the hall when I tried to call you and I had to assume that you’d headed back home. There was no answer the next day on your home telephone and I rang a few contacts but nobody had seen you. So I went out in the snow trying to find you. I walked around for ages before calling the Police but nobody had been reported missing and the Mountain Rescue team had had no call out. I was helpless because I was frightened that you’d be angry with me and that you’d never be able to forgive me for my weakness.

‘I threw all my clothes away and removed all evidence hoping that you’d be able to forgive me if I said it was just a stupid mistake. I walked the moor regularly looking for signs and contacted the police frequently and you were registered as a missing person. I suppose after a month I stopped asking and you hadn’t returned home for your belongings. I’d no recollection of any next of kin since as I recall you were an orphan who was raised by your grandmother before we met.’

After a while the urge to dress again came back and I decided to change my appearance and lose weight. I was dressing more and more and even took part time jobs like this. Well not as Cinderella like this but more like the girl I wanted to be. I became expert at presenting myself and could easily pass. But I often would wake in the middle of the night thinking about you hurting yourself and dying on the moor. I started to go crazy and for 6 months I was a nervous wreck.

‘I was referred for phsyciatric treatment before finally coming to terms with the fact that I wanted to be a woman and that I shouldn’t feel guilty.’

Jake was silent and then he stoped down and picked me up before carrying me inside and locking the door behind us.

He lay me gently on the sofa and removed his coat and his heavy boots. He thre a log on the fire and covered us with a blanket. He pulled me close to him and brushed back my hair gently till I closed my eyes. Then he kissed me passionately. His beard felt strange but it tickled. He was very gentle with me and he kissed my neck and my shoulders before moving to my small breasts that were longing for him.

It was dark when I awoke and the room was filled with the light of the dying embers of the fire and the lights on the Christmas tree.

I was alone under he blanket and I burst into tears. I had removed my clothing and my nipples were sore. I was sure that he had accepted me as tears fell down my cheeks.

‘jake oh jake I love you. I’m sorry I never meant to hurt you.’

I got up and walked to the door before taking it off the latch. There was a cold wind but no footsteps in the snow. I turned to reach for my heavy coat and for my boots. I had to go out even if it was to wonder the moor never to return. There was no point to live like this.

Then I jumped as the light went on. ‘Where are you going. It’s freezing out there. Come on here is a nice pot of tea to warm you. Aren’t you going to lock the door and invite me to stay?’