As one of those with a long history of sexual assaults... both for years in my early childhood, and isolated incidents in my adult life... I have a thought for you, Dorothy.

For those just starting to come to terms with what happened, the usual advice I give is to talk about. Re-live the memories, no matter how painful they are, and *tell* someone (anyone -- it doesn't have to be a professional) about it. Doing that digs out all the festering details that are haunting you... lets your conscious, and more importantly, your *subconscious* mind really deal with it all... and lets you move on.

Okay, you have been doing that.

The thing I wanted to mention? There comes a time when talking about it becomes counter-productive. When you have accepted what has happened... know that it is *over*... and are ready to just get on with life. When talking about it more just holds you back, makes it harder to forget. Makes it harder to enjoy life once again, and risk again the deep trust that is essential to truly love someone...

I do not know if you are there yet, but I do know you have been talking about this for quite a while now. Are you ready to move on? Only you can say.

The thought I wanted to share with you?

After being drugged and raped yet again about seven years ago, I really needed to talk to a professional... as it was all to similar to what had happened to me repeatedly as a child, and stirred up some really nasty memories. Whatever. The point is... the particular doctor I talked with afterwards was not really a specialist in rape, just someone in the psychiatric community that I already knew, and hence felt comfortable talking with. So while he knew the basics of rape counselling, it was not something he did everyday -- which no doubt caused him to be more "frank" about things, and skip the "sugar coating" that he might have otherwise used.

His succinct advice? I forget his exact words, but they were something like, "It is over. You can not change what has happened, so just accept it. Deal with it, then forget about it. Move on with your life."

Brutal words to hear, a day after being raped. I was shocked and outraged that he could be so callous, so insensitive. I felt that way for quite a while, actually. But the funny thing is, looking back from many years later... he was absolutely right. Painfully so... but right. That is precisely what I needed to do...

Oh, sure. It isn't really that easy. What has happened will be with me every day (and night) for the rest of my life. When something triggers the memories, I face it all again. Sorry, Dorothy... I can not promise you that you will *ever* be "totally free of the memory" -- it will *always* be a part of you, something that shapes the person you are. But in time, it can be a very *small* part of you. Such trigger events are not actually everyday things, really... which means that for the vast majority of my time, I truly *can* forget about it. And even when doing something like writing this -- which most definitely has me thinking about such things, and would once have reduced me to tears -- the "edge" is gone. I am sitting here dry-eyed, fairly calmly, "rationally" thinking about this while typing... which I suspect is where you would "someday" like to be.

Just something to think about. As I said, I do not know if you are ready for that next step in healing yet. I only thought I would mention it, so you would know about it for when you *are* ready...