To See Through a Glass Darkly

by the Rev. Anam Chara✚

Chapter 17

Sasha and his entourage all go shopping together at the mall.

Russian Language Notes

Моя Саша [mah-YAH SAH-shuh], my Sasha.

Сонья [SON’-yuh], Sonia.

Да [DAH], yes

* * *

“Marjorie Stedham?” I heard Sonia squeal from behind me. “Is that you?”

“Omigosh! Sonia Petroff?” Marjorie yelled back as they ran toward one another. “So Sasha’s your brother?”

I barely side-stepped their collision as they met and embraced right where I had been standing.

“Except that he’s my Li’l Sis today,” Sonia updated Marjorie, who was quite apparently a friend. But it made sense that they were, because they both competed on the local pageant circuit.

“Everybody,” my sister announced. “I’d like you to meet Marjorie Stedham, a friend of mine I know from several pageants. She’s won at least four crowns and was a runner-up more times than I can remember. You’ve met Mom before and apparently you already know Sasha. This is Papa’s sister, my Aunt Svetlana. These are all my girlfriends, Tina, Deb, Jacqui, and Marcia. And Tina and Sasha are also dating now.”

“Hi, everyone!” Marjorie smiled and waved to us all in the room. “Nice to meet you!”

I turned to Marjorie and my sister. “So what are you doing here, Marjorie?” I asked.

“I’m not sure if I should say anything about it, except just to you,” she answered. “Can we speak privately somewhere?”

“It’s okay,” I said, knowing that Marjorie had to protect my confidentiality. “Sis, Marjorie’s the receptionist for the psychiatrist that Doctor Tollefson took me to see yesterday morning.”

“Do you work there full-time?” Sonia asked her.

“Oh no! Just part-time, although I work the full day twice a week. I met your brother yesterday and took him to lunch. He looks so cute as a girl, I just had to talk to him! But since he’s your brother, it makes perfect sense now.”

“So then, why are you here now?” I asked again.

“Your mom called the office yesterday afternoon and we talked. She remembered meeting me at one of our pageants and asked me to come shopping with you today.”

“That’s great!” Sonia exclaimed. “You’re gonna get shopping advice from a four-time pageant winner today.”

“Who did your hair, Sasha?” Marjorie asked me.

“Sonia’s friend Deb.”

“Well, it looks great on you,” answered Marjorie. Hearing her name mentioned, Deb came over.

“You like it, then?” Deb asked her.

“Absolutely,” Marjorie replied. “I’ve seen professionals not do this as well as what you’ve done with his. You thinking of doing it as a career?”

“I might,” answered Deb. “But I really want to get a college degree, though. I’m not really sure what my options are yet.”

“Well, if you ever turn pro you can count on me as a client–certainly so long as you do work like that. It’s great!”

“Thanks, Marjorie.”

Mom came over just then. “Marjorie, thank you so much for coming. I’d like to offer you some coffee or tea and a pastry, if you’d like?”

“No thanks, Mis’ess Petroff,” she said. “I’ve already had my breakfast.”

“When Svetlana finish her coffee and Danish, then we go.”

“By the way, I just thought I’d mention it,” continued Marjorie, “but it looks like it might rain today.”

“Thanks for telling us,” said Mom. Then in a louder voice she announced, “Everybody have raincoat?”

“We have ours in my car,” said Deb. Jacqui and Marcia had come with her.

My sister went to the coat closet next to the front door.

“You wear my old raincoat, моя Саша,” Mom told me. “You must not get pretty clothes wet. Сонья, you get coat for моя Саша.”

“Now, should we all go in Svetlana’s van or maybe take another car?” Sis inquired of everyone generally. “The van can seat up to eight including the driver.”

“But how much stuff will we need to load for the return trip?” I asked.

“Sasha has a good point,” observed Sonia. “What do you think, Мама? Svetlana?”

“Seat in back of van folt down,” explained our aunt. “Useful to bring big instrument like bass or ’cello. And music stands, also. Much space for many shopping bags.”

“How many here have a car?” Mom asked.

Besides Aunt Svetlana’s van, my mother, Tina, Deb, and Marjorie all had cars there. Certainly, we could select an adequate convoy for a trip to the mall from the available vehicles. I was surprised though that we only took two.

Since Sonia and Marjorie hadn’t seen one another for a while, they rode with Mom in her car. Aunt Svetlana asked to drive Tina and me, but surprisingly Deb decided to ditch her own car for the trip, so that she, Jacqui, and Marcia all joined us in Auntie’s van.

* * *

Deb rode up front next to Aunt Svetlana while Jacqui and Marcia sat in the seat behind them. Tina and I held hands as we made out in the back seat.

“Mm!” Tina teased me. “I kinda like tasting my boyfriend’s strawberry lipgloss!”

“Well, I kinda like tasting yours, too,” I replied. “Raspberry, isn’t it?”

“Mm-hmm!”

We heard giggles from the the others in the van, including my aunt.

“Sasha, I think it wonderful dat Sonia get you dress up for her,” Auntie weighed in on the recent happenings. “I tink every boy need learn to dress like girl sometime. And you look very pretty girl. Your mama and papa bot proud of you to do dis. I proud, too.”

Being doted on by Auntie always made me blush, but Tina hugged me closer to herself and for the first time in my life, I think, I felt happy that Aunt Svetlana was teasing and doting on me.

* * *

Our two-vehicle caravan arrived at the mall, just as most of the retailers were opening for business Saturday morning. Aunt Svetlana found a row of empty parking spaces near the main entrance and pulled into one. Mom parked adjacent to her.

We all got out of the vehicles and assembled on the plaza in front of the mall.

“Khwere we go first?” Auntie asked.

“The first thing that Sasha needs are his–her own shoes,” observed Sonia. “I’d suggest Gentle Souls ®. We’ll do a lot of walking today and I want my new sister to feel as comfortable as possible. We can go on from there.”

So, my sister led us all to a shoe store of the same name not too far from the main entrance on the first floor of the mall. Apparently, the shoes from Gentle Souls ® were a standard for comfort. What caught my eye was a video on a big screen of two teams of women playing basketball in high-heeled pumps.

“Are they for real?” I wondered aloud, asking no one specific.

“Absolutely!” answered a petite sales clerk with waist-length blond hair. “I’ve sprinted for my bus wearing these more than a few times.”

“Didn’t it hurt?” I asked.

“Not at all,” the salesgirl continued. “I used to change into my sneakers whenever I got home until I began working here. Now I change my clothes but usually not my shoes. I’m Tiffany, by the way.”

“I’m Sasha and I’m on my first shopping trip today with my sister and her girlfriends and my girlfriend.”

For an awkward moment, I could feel everyone staring at me. A quick glance around the shop confirmed that the feeling was correct. Tiffany stared wide-eyed at me.

“You mean you’re a boy?” Tiffany asked for clarification, with a giggle.

“I didn’t say that right, did I?” I turned to ask Tina. She looked across the store to Mom, who shook her head.

“No, you said too much,” my girlfriend confirmed. “But it’s all in fun, so don’t worry about it.”

“He–she’s my little brother and promised me he’d dress like a girl this weekend,” explained Sonia. “I’ve been trying to get him to do it since like forever, and he’s doing it as a favor to me. We had no trouble lending him clothes to fit, but shoes are another matter.”

“She’s wearing a pair of my older sister’s,” Deb informed the sales clerk. “They’re close, but still not quite the right fit for him–her, I mean.”

“Well, you brought him to the right place,” Tiffany said, giggling with a smile. “I can’t think of anything better for a boy’s first pair of high heels!”

I knew my face had to be a deep crimson color by then. Yes, I would learn to think before I spoke after that.

Tina led me by the hand to a chair and sat me down. “Let’s get you shoes of your own, now.”

Tiffany brought over a Brannock ® device to measure my feet while Tina helped me take off the shoes that I was wearing. The young clerk carefully measured my feet–both of them–and then asked me about my own shoes.

“So Sasha, what size do you wear in men’s shoes?”

“Seven and a half.”

“Width?”

“Uh… I’m not sure.”

“Your feet are a bit wider than a girl’s would be, so I’m gonna let you try a wider shoe first, then a longer one if that doesn’t work,” explained Tiffany. “Usually, a guy needs to add two to his shoe size to get a woman’s shoe that fits.”

“You said ‘usually.’ Have you fit guys in women’s shoes before?”

“I have a few times. More than you might think, in fact!”

“It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.”

Tiffany giggled again. “For whatever reason, we’re a favorite store for guys needing to wear women’s shoes. Your reasons are your own, but I gotta say you’re really sweet to do this for your sister.”

I blushed. Just then, another young woman, a little older than Tiffany entered.

“G’mornin’, Tiff!”

“Good morning, Carla! Would you take care of these other ladies while I get her shoes?”

“Sure,” answered the young woman. “Who’s next?”

“We all came in together just a few minutes ago,” my sister told Carla. “This is my little–uh–sister’s first time shopping at the mall here and I thought we’d come here first. She borrowed the ones she’s wearing now.”

“They’re my sister’s,” Deb added. “They almost fit Sasha, but not quite. Uh–she’ll need something easier to walk around the mall in.”

“Well, you won’t find more comfortable heels anywhere,” Carla declared. “So who else wants to try on a pair.”

“I do,” answered Jacqui. “I need a new pair of pumps to go with a new red dress to wear on my date with Barry.”

All of my family and sister’s girlfriends giggled at that as Jacqui looked obliquely at me. Again, I blushed as she had brought that up.

Soon after that, the store came alive with activity. Tiffany had me trying several pairs of shoes on, high-heels, flats, sneakers, and others. I found myself focused on selecting shoes and so was everyone else. We all were also trying on pair after pair in various styles and colors. And not long after that, another woman with the name ‘Jeri’ on her badge entered, presumably a manager for the shop. She looked surprised and happy to see what looked like a morning rush on her store.

“Hi there!” the woman greeted me as Tiffany continued to help me with an especially high pair of heels. “I’m Jeri, your store manager. Is everything satisfactory?”

“So far I’ve been overwhelmed by all the attention,” I admitted. “Tiffany’s doing everything she can to get me into my first pair of heels.”

“Well, that’s certainly a special occasion,” Jeri noted. “But why’ve you waited so long?”

My sister spoke up, “Sasha just wasn’t ready for heels until now.” Tina, Deb, Marcia, and Jacqui all giggled at the remark as Carla went back to fitting them for new shoes. Jeri began talking to Mom, Aunt Svetlana, and Marjorie, trying to make sales to them as well.

We were there for I didn’t know how long. Jeri announced a two-for-one sale and somehow I left the store with eight pairs of shoes. This began to bother me a little.

“Мама, why so many shoes?” I asked. “I only promised Sonia that I’d do this through Monday.”

“Моя Саша, you worry too much!” Mom answered me. “And you not know yourself so well. You need them later.”

“I will?”

 «Ð”а, моя Саша! » she affirmed, which worried me. Firstly, she kept calling me моя Саша, emphasizing the feminine adjective. She’d been using моя [mah-YAH] instead of мой [moy] with my name all morning. Next, eight pairs of shoes were entirely too many for just three days. So, this shopping trip was starting to give me some anxiety. How did she know that I might need all those shoes? Was she not telling me something?

I decided to wear a pair of low two-inch (5 cm) heeled navy blue pumps out of the store. They felt more comfortable than Deb’s sister’s shoes had. I could probably walk in the mall wearing these for a while.

“Deb, I guess I’m done with your sister’s shoes now,” I said, putting them on right away. “Please thank her for me, if you would.”

“Sure thing, Sasha,” she answered. “It was fun to provide your first pair of ladies shoes.”

Neither Carla nor Jeri had been in the store when I had betrayed my own privacy, but now Deb had let them know as well. And I know that my face must have turned beet-red again, but I was now giggling–no!–laughing along with everyone else–but Deb–at my own embarrassment. And I kind of liked the feeling.

Yes, I was embarrassed, but also I was having fun. I enjoyed a sense of belonging with everyone there. And for the first time, I understood–I felt as well as knew–the difference between embarrassment and humiliation.

“Okay, now!” I announced, smiling to Deb, who nearly cried in relief. “Does everyone here know that I’m a boy dressed like this?”

Deb took that as permission to join in with the fun and our collective mirth redoubled. For an extended moment, none of us could stop laughing. I had been mostly seated for the fittings, getting up to walk a few steps in each different pair of shoes. So I stood up, took my sister by the arm and kissed her cheek.

“You’re really okay with this, Sasha, aren’t you?” Sonia asked, pulling me into a hug.

“Yes, but I don’t know why,” I confessed. “What’s happening to me?”

“This is what I wanted to share with you–life as a girl,” my sister reminded me. “I hope you’re enjoying it.”

“I’d be lying if I said I weren’t. But I’m still scared even if I’m liking it.”

Just then I noticed Mom and Aunt Svetlana talking with Marjorie, who glanced obliquely at moment from the corner of her eye before she began moving toward me.

“Sasha, you’re really getting into the spirit of things, I see,” said Marjorie, noting the stack of shoeboxes next to me. “But you need to come with me if you still want a pair of espadrilles. Remember? From yesterday?”

“Yes, but I have more shoes than I can wear already.”

“No, a girl can never have too many shoes.”

“But I’m not a girl,” I reminded her. “And I only promised Sonia I’d dress up like this through Monday.”

“Come with me, Sasha,” commanded Marjorie, taking me by the hand. Then she turned to Mom, “Mis’ess Petroff, would you take care of his new shoes? I need to talk to him now.”

 «Ð”а », answered Mom, smiling.

Suddenly, I was out the door with Marjorie and I was running along, working to keep up with her in my new pumps. She was taller than I and her greater height was mostly beautiful long legs, so my inexperience even in low heels made it difficult for me to match her stride.

“Marjorie, slow down before I trip over my own feet!” I winced. “I’m not used to shoes like these.”

“Get used to them, then! I wanna take you to another shoe store while your mom talks to everyone else,” said Marjorie. “We’ll get you a pair of espadrilles or two, but now it’s very important that I talk to you alone. Your mom will be explaining this to Sonia and Tina, maybe even their friends as well, since now they’re becoming your friends, too.”

“What are you talking about now?” I asked, more than just a little surprised. “You’re sounding weird.”

“Do you remember us talking after lunch yesterday? In the ladies’ room? When I showed you your aura?”

“What about it?”

“Well, today I’ve watched yours interacting, dancing with everyone else’s aura.”

“Is this for real?” I mused aloud. “I had trouble no small trouble believing what I saw.”

“It’s very much for real and I need to tell you what it all means.”

“Does it have anything to do with why suddenly I’m getting more than a weekend’s supply of new shoes?”

“Yes it does,” said Marjorie, holding both my hands and looking me square in the eye. “And it’s wilder than anything that you or I or anyone else has ever imagined.”

“You’re scaring me,” I told her. “I just wanted to dress up for a few days for Sis, so she and her friends could have some fun, and maybe me with them.”

“Please, don’t be afraid, Sasha. I’d been waiting for a while to meet you.”

“To meet me?” I asked for clarification. Had this girl been stalking me all along? “What’s going on here?”

“When I first met Sonia at a pageant, nearly three years ago, I saw in her aura that through her I would meet someone who’d be Twice Gifted. When I met you yesterday, I didn’t know that you were the one, but I did see that you’re becoming fully androgynous right away. When your mom called, then it seemed more likely that you were the one I saw in you sister’s aura. But when I saw her and your and Tina’s auras dancing together, I was certain.”

“Certain about…?”

“You being the Twice Gifted One,” clarified Marjorie. “I’m sure you’re the one I saw in Sonia’s aura.”

“The Twice Gifted One?” I queried.

“I don’t know all the details, but you have the soul of a true Androgyne.”

“An Androgyne?”

“It’s not so easy to explain,” said Marjorie. “I tried to tell you this yesterday, but I couldn’t find the words. The simplest way to describe it is that you’re both a boy and a girl. But since you’ve only been a boy until now, it’s time for you to live as a girl for a while.”

“It sounds crazy,” I dismissed what she’d just told me.

“How is it any crazier than what else is happening to you?”

I looked down at my hands and my diamond ring and wedding band were there again.

“My consciousness is still here with yours, Sasha,” she said in a voice that seemed to help calm me. “But yours has shifted, hasn’t it? I can tell because your aura’s changed its background color.”

“Please, stop! This is too much for me to understand. I can’t deal with it all.”

“I know,” she said, still making the effort to keep me calm. “It all seems to come at once, but it won’t. You’ll have time–time to learn what’s happening. This is all so exciting!”

“But it’s not happening to you! Besides, all this about auras and the Twice Gifted One and Androgynes isn’t what I signed on for,” I objected as my anxiety continued growing. “So, how do I get out of whatever it is?”

Then I heard behind me the steadily advancing gaits of high-heeled footsteps. Turning around I saw Sonia and Tina walking toward us. I noticed Tina wearing her wedding rings. She and Sis pulled me into an embrace that Marjorie joined as well.

“It’s okay, Hubby!” Tina whispered in my ear. “You can’t get out of it, but we’re in it together. You really need to learn to trust others.”

 ©2010-2013 by the Rev. Anam Chara✚