Encrypted-11

Chapter 11

I get showered and cleaned up and since I am going into my work and to see my therapist I dress or try to dress and bit more professionally? This is the first time that I’m doing either thing as my real self and I wish to make a good impression so I wear a light grey just knee length skirt I like the tight tube likeness of it and the feeling and security of the stockings that I put on to go with it. I like the light eggshell color of them they look nice and I slip into my bra just a nice white demi cup Wonder bra and matching panties.

I do take the scissors to my underpants and I cut an opening at the top of the gusset lining and slip them on and insert my boy tube part into the space between the cotton linings. It’s not a gaff but it works for now.

I must get Brandy to take me where she gets her gaff’s at she uses them for her work and until I can be right in my anatomy finally I want to have the flat shape.

I’m glad though the incongruity of my phallic equipment isn’t affecting my ODC tendencies really. I does in a way that I know that this is not the shape that I should be and that smooth and flat there is what is my natural shape.

I brush out my hair and dry and style it to looks nice, or the closest to it as I can get and it’s coming along more and more really. Before hair was just hair, something I had not paid attention to except for putting it into a pony tail. I am not skilled in self styling so I go for a nice loose look and then do my make up. I go for just enough to make my look more streamlined…not the right word but more socially female. Like most other women do.

Make up is very soothing to me. The ritual just works for my brain. It’s a process that just allows me to focus on something other than the myriad of other things that I am thinking and experiencing. I enjoy the sensation of it on my skin and can use it too.

Sometimes I will “Space out…” as I’ve been told but there are things that will just catch my attention that other people don’t seem to need to look at. Like the fact that I watch sunlight. The way that you can almost see the way that it shines down on places in the distance sometimes. I like to call those moments photonic rain; I can almost see in my imagination the particles. I like watching the wind. Seeing it the trees is nice but I love to watch grass move, if you’re lucky you can seen the ripple in the grasses when the current changes direction.

There is a multitude of things that catch my eyes and I just have to watch them, to observe the way that they work and it’s like the world sometimes can be the biggest lab there is and that seeing these things and just trying to figure them out is a constant for me sometimes.

I guess I see that things don’t lose their lustre for being figured out and explained. I think the explanations of something being what it is or why it is just as heady and beautiful as the thing we’ve been observing.

It’s that for me the whys are as beautiful as the just is.

And sometimes like just now I tangent.

I finish dressing with a nice cream colored blouse and a necklace and I even have a nice ladies blazer that matches my skirt and I go out to meet brandy who is dressed in jeans and a “Because I’m a girl.” Charity tee and a hello kitty hoody that makes her look very cute.

She’s just remaking the bed with fresh sheets and she stops and looks at me.

“Wow…Madison you look amazing.”

“I do?”

“Yes you do, very professional and really beautiful.”

“Thank you…I love the way that you look too.”

“I just tossed this on to be comfy.”

“I know…I love that you can just do that. It actually relaxes me.”

“It does?”

“I love that you are comfortable enough to just be you with me. Other people are just too off put by the way I act or the things that I say to be just their natural selves with me. I can always see them being off balance with me and that puts them on guard and it makes me nervous because they are tense around me and It’s like they’re just waiting for me to do or say something strange or out of the context I think things are going when we’re talking.”

“Well pretty lady you… (She steps up and kisses me.) are…(More kisses.)…very… (More kisses.) …welcome. And she finishes the sentence off with a long and very enjoyable kiss and I can’t help but to smile at her when we break the kiss because she makes me feel so good.

It means so much to me that she gets me and that when I do go off on my tangents she really still listens and she still follows what I’m meaning as much as the things that I say.

“You are really amazing Brandy.”

She blushes and I like that. Then she takes my hand and gets her purse and we head out. It’s nice that she opens the car door for me and that she makes sure that I’m in before we go.

I’m still listening to the radio in the cars but I change the station from the CBC radio to Chum FM and we listen to rock and roll music as we head to the university. I’m only part way thinking of the music and not thinking about the drive or the traffic and I even sing along with her on the few songs that I do know but my mind is in the girl…or the image of the girl that was caught up in the anti-virus software that I had written.

What was she?

Not a hallucination I’m very sure about that. Was she an A.I.?

Or was she like me but a younger version?

In theory it’s totally possible since our brain and nervous system works on electrical impulses. The fact that I can seem to do the things that I’ve been doing seem to suggest that in all likely hood I am neither the first to do this nor will I be the last so that begs to question as well what am I.

What are we?

“Identification please.”

“Excuse me? Oh…we’re here already?”

Brandy smiles at me. “Yeah you were either really thinking about something or you were really into the music.”

“I was thinking about things, I am still only partially satisfied with the playlists of radio programming.”

I take out my University I.D. Cards and the guard looks them over and me over then them over and he’s going to… “Excuse me George? I’m in the process of making a few changes since the last time you have seen me. I’m a transgendered woman it seems.”

Brandy snort laughs. “Few changes.”

He looks at me again and he leans forward to squint at me in the car. I have no idea why people do that it doesn’t usually help you see anything any better.

“Huh…I guess you’re you. You look a helluva lot different.”

“Yes mostly it’s the clothes and the make up.”

“Yeah but you’re not stuttering either.”

“Again mostly the clothes and the make up, they distract me from the things that seem to trigger those responses in me.”

He chuckles and passes me back my I.D. and gives us the stub for our assigned parking space. Well actually I have my own space but have rarely used it. But the stub is still for it.

“Well there’s the proof right there.”

“Pardon?”

“You definitely still sound like you when you’d get on a topic.”

“Oh…sorry?”

“No, no heck it’s not a bad thing y’know. I’m a guard and it’s kind of nice that you’ve never talked to me like I wouldn’t get anything.”

“Uhm…occupation has nothing to do with intelligence; even education is just a factor of intelligence.”

“Okay…thanks though and welcome back and if I can say…Madison? You look very nice today.”

I blush. “Thank you George, this is Brandy she’s my very, very significant other. I’ll contact Conrad about getting her a pass.”

“Sure thing that’ll be best. Nice to meet you Miss Brandy.”

Brandy nods and gives him one of her smiles. “It’s very nice to meet you too George.”

I give her directions and she squeals happily when we get there. “Okay this is neat, it’s your old name but you have your own parking spot! I’ve never known anyone with one of those in a place like this.”

“Yes, it is one of the perks when you are a member of the university project staff.”

“So I see, I’m very impressed.”

“Thank You….do you want to come with me?”

“You think I’m allowed?”

“I’ll get you signed in.”

“I’d love to actually I’ve never really been her except a few times at parties years ago. I always found the place intimidating.”

“There is a lot of bureaucracy here and there are a lot of petty little people that use it and jargon words to make themselves feel much more important than the actually are.”

“I thought you loved working here?”

“I do it’s just there is a lot of surprisingly small minds behind large ego’s in most places like this.”

“Oh.”

We head to my therapist first. I get seen by one of the psychology department here mostly because it was easier and I didn’t have to travel. I get in the elevator and 2nd floor… “Bing.”

3rd floor… “Bing.”

4th floor… Brandy takes my hand and we both go. “Bing!”

Then the doors open and I’m smiling as we walk to Dr. Gomez’s office. I step inside and over to the receptionists desk and take out my I.D. and Medicare card and she looks at me in surprise.

I’m not waiting long before she calls me to go into her office. I go in and take a seat and Brandy’s waiting in the office waiting room. Dr. Gomez takes a long look at me and I smile a little nervously at her…count on my fingers.

“It is you Mathew. But it’s Madison now right?”

“Yes it is.”

“You said something to this effect when you wrote to me in e-mail about the changes to your life.”

“I’m transgendered, I’m very sure of it.”

“So it seems so where should we start.”

We start talking and she starts actually with the attack then me recounting it and everything with Brandy and how it affected the change but not so much the change but the aha exposure to some other possibility of being that I had no real idea or concept of until then.

We talk about my dressing and the way it feels right but it comforts me and distracts me at the same time. How I seen really more at ease like this right down to the point where I’m nowhere near as socially over conscious and how my anxiety then had sent my into a deeper level of my Aspergers as a social retreat and defense mechanism.

She and I talk way more than we ever had since I’d been seeing her since before it was hard to admit to things that bothered me or were my triggers. She actually agreed since she’s been Mathew’s therapist for nearly four years that I am transgendered and that I am very lucky to have found my way to being me the way that I have with Brandy despite the assault.

We even talk about me being intersexed which has her very curious but not really surprised as I was never what one would ever call a typical male. I show her my budding breasts and it’s my suggestion not hers and her receptionist is there as well as Nurse Cooper who does duty here from on call for various things and since Dr. Gomez is a real doctor to boot she writes up orders for me to see and endocrinologist and to see another Doctor for a proper exam.

She gives me my carry letter and actually has to explain what that is which gives me even more credibility since it’s more like I’m just being the real me than researching the whole thing for some kind of psychological fix. I don’t really get that too…why would someone fake mental issues…I have them…they’re part of me but I would have loved so much to be normal growing up.

I do get a bit nervous when she talks to Brandy in her office and Brandy is in there for almost thirty four minutes.

I pace and count on my fingers for the last six minutes and forty seconds of it. Though she hugs Dr, Gomez as she comes out and she wipes at her eyes. I step over to her with the tissues. “Are you alright?”

“Yes I’m fine Maddy we talked ad she wanted to know some things about me so she k new what to expect with you.”

“But you’re crying?”

“Happy tears love.”

“Happy tears?”

“Yes, I got to see just how lucky I am to have you in my life from a different angle.”

“Angle…” for a minute my math brain jumped my social brain and I was trying to cross connect geometry with psychology and then…. “Oh…a different point of view.”

“Yes Babe.”

“So happy stuff then.”

“Yeah really happy.”

“Then talking to Dr. Gomez helped you?”

“It was nice and different but I don’t need to see a shrink.”

“But if it helped?”

She kisses me and wraps her arms around me settling them into the small of my back. “I don’t mind talking to them on occasion but they’re just people Madds, they have all this education about mental stuff and emotional behaviors but they color their own reactions into what’s going on and have their own opinions and the diploma there on the wall it doesn’t make them right.”

“Oh………..I…I don’t really understand but I’m sorry? Was I pushing?”

“Yes but in a good way, you care so it’s okay.”

“Are you sure, I’ve done things like this before when just trying to…” I’m weaving a bit on my feet shifting back and forth I can feel the stuff like the ways I’ve screwed up almost hanging around me.

Brandy shifts her hold and pulls me gently out into the hallway and then into the elevator and she leans me into the corner and kisses me long and deeply and holds my face intensely…like she’s holding my in place when me screwing up like this would have sent me over that edge before.

Her next kiss was hard and deep and demanding…even a bit dominant…she…it’s like she’s cornered me to block out the world and is kissing me to put on the brakes.

It works.

Of course it works, somehow Brandy is able to know me more than I really know and understand myself.

“Maddy…look at me. I can’t go to therapy right now because I’m not brave enough. I don’t trust them. When I came out my family sent me to one and he told them that he would fix me of my disease. He forced and drugged me back into that box I had been in growing up and the next time I got out I was so screwed up….I’m still screwed up from that.”

“Sorry…I…I get it now.” I lean in and we do this intimate forehead to forehead stare into each others eyes thing and then I kiss her. “I’ve lived with the can we fix them and give them to me and I fix them all my life.”

2nd floor… (Sniffle.)… We both go “Bing…”

1rst floor…we kiss and softly say smiling. “Bing…”

We go get cleaned up then it’s a quick trip to the university HR department to file for my new status and order my new I.D.’s and get Brandy a visitor I.D. ordered and I take their letter for the departments with me and head to my labs.

I give Brandy my tour and it’s not much really but it’s a lot. I have lots of math and engineering books, computer books about languages and several computers all linked to my own very large tower with all the things I use. I run a lot of simulations mostly using Math and Physics to create real time or real life conditions for one thing or another that we are asked to consult on.

“Wow…” is the first thing Brandy says.

“It is impressive.”

“I’ll say.”

“I thought…I thought that’s what you meant by Wow?”

“I did.” She looks at me and I smile a bit playfully. “You…” She kisses me and she tickles me and I burst out laughing!? I’ve never just laughed where it just like popped out before. Brandy looks at me.

“Oh Wow…”

“What?”

“You…you’ve never laughed by being tickled have you?”

“No, I’ve never been tickled.”

“Never?”

“Not that I can remember. I wasn’t exposed to a lot of physical intimacy with my parents and I never really had friends like that.”

“Oh…”

Then she tickles me again and again and I can’t stop the laughing, I giggle and even squeal. “Brandy!”

Then she’s kissing me and I feel so alive and human and normal.

Human and normal are good things…When you have Aspergers and are Autistic it’s so much like you aren’t really from the same planet as other people. You look like them, talk their language but you aren’t really like them.

Unless somehow, some way you have a Brandy.

The solution to all my most daunting equations.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my lab!”

We stop making out and I see Darla Smith glaring at us from behind her glasses.

“Pardon me but this is not your lab. It’s mine.” She seems angry, she can’t be lost she works in this department too only just down the hall.

“Like hell it is. I don’t know who the hell you think you are but this is my lab.”

“No you work down the hall.”

“No I work here, I was down the hall but I was next in line for this space. I’m not having some little…you’re not going to just transfer into this department and swoop in and take the best lab in the building.”

“This is Mathew’s lab.” Maddy says to her.

“This was that…this was his lab but he’s to behind on his projects and had an unfortunate encounter or some such and I’m going to be taking over.”

“Actually you won’t I’m already done the artic deep probe project and simulations and cost analysis.”

“Who gave you that information, those were my projects!”

“No I wasn’t done with them.”

“What do you mean YOU weren’t done with them.”

“I think that this might help clear up the confusion.” I pass her my HR letter and my carry letter. She re-reads them twice…stares at me, then at them and then at me again then she does this head to toe long look and she seems to get angrier? Brandy snatches my papers from Darla’s hands before she started to crumple them and she looked that mad at her for a moment it looked like Darla might try to strike her.

“Mathew…I thought that you weren’t likely to come back at all?”

“No, there was some very hard times after the attack and the break in that I might have folded in on myself and hid from the world but Brandy saved me,”

“Oh and this is Brandy?”

“Yes, she is as they say my better half.”

“I never thought I’d hear you say something that normal, you’re getting better…”

“Yes, I am thank you.”

She looks me over again. I seem to have caught her eye for some reason and she has this odd look like she is experiencing something unpleasant. Then she looks at Brandy, looks her over and I see it…

She’s sneering at her.

“Brandy is it?”

Brandy nods. “It’s nice to meet you Miss?”

“Doctor Smith actually. I’d have thought you’d be named Crystall or Shaniqua maybe…”

“Pardon me?” Brandy say looking sort of shocked and surprised.

“Oh nothing…Mathew you’ve made some interesting choices I’m sure you’ll fit right back into campus without any problems.”

“Just what do you mean by that?” Brandy says.

There’s that sneer again…

She laughs this little laugh and starts to leave. “Brandy dear, maybe go back to school and listen this time instead of…you might get what I’m saying the first time around instead of being on your kne…”

SLAP!!!

It just happened…I couldn’t help myself!

The look on Darla’s face is shock and then rage. “How dare you you little faggot freak!”

I push her up against the wall. “Shut up bitch!”

She swings on me to claw at my face and I catch her wrist. “Let go of me! Help!”

I get in her face. “I know I’m different, I’ve always known it and you can say whatever you want about me because to me Darla you don’t matter, you never did, you never will. But Brandy is the best thing that has EVER happened to me and you snidely insulting her and putting her down and trying to make her feel less than what she is just to get back at me…”

And I lean in right to her face. “Is NEVER going to happen again.”

She looks like she might say something else snide. “Right!” I yell it at her.

“R..right…”

I shove her away from me. “Get out of my lab, and stay out you’re banned.”

She runs out crying and after a good lead away from the doors swearing. I stare at the doors and then to Brandy who’s hugging herself and smiling at me and fighting back tears.

I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her. “Happy tears?”

(Sniffle-Glomp.) “Yuh-huh.”

“I did good?”

“I…you did good…Maddy…baby you did so much better than good.”

“I’m glad…ow…I think I bruised my hand.”

(Sniffle-Glomp.) “God I love you Madison.”

“Thank you Brandy…I’m not easy to love.”

“Yes you are…yes you are.”