Chapter 5 — A Tense Situation

Karen thought often in the recent days about her mother, living in Manitowoc, an industrial and port city about 80 miles north of Milwaukee and over 100 miles from St. Albert’s where the summer camp was being held. She, her younger brother, Sonny (baptismal name was Samuel) and her mother lived in a row house on one of the working class neighborhoods. Karen’s father had deserted the family shortly after Sonny’s birth, and was never heard from again.

Her mother struggled to raise the two youngsters, going to nursing school over a six-year period while she worked, leaving the two children with their grandmother. Now, finally, Karen’s mother had found a modicum of prosperity with a regular shift assignment at a Manitowoc hospital, even to help Karen attend the University of Wisconsin. In spite of having no father in the household, Karen felt the family was very close and loving. When she became depressed over her lack of friends, she always knew her mother was around to hug and comfort her. How she hated to become a disappointment to her mother!

Karen called her mother the next day, and her mother was overjoyed to hear from her, but scolded her for not calling more often.

“Oh, mother, we’re so busy up here,” she explained. “It’s hard to find time to call, and I had to borrow one of the girl’s cell phones to call you.”

“It’s OK, darling, but you know your mother cares about you. Now, tell me about the play.”

“Oh mother,” Karen said, growing excited now, and her voice showing its nervousness by rising into a higher register. “It’s going good, and I did get the part of one of the principals.”

“Good, dear. You’re doing ‘Hamlet,’ right?”

“Yes, mother.”

“Don’t tell me you’re Hamlet?” she asked.

Karen giggled. “No, mother. I’m . . . ah . . . ah . . . Ophelia.”

“You’re who? Ophelia? That’s a girl, isn’t it?”

Karen laughed briefly, realizing her mother, who never went to college and — while a smart women in her own right — was unschooled about many things, and may not be aware that Shakespeare used only men as actors in his own plays, even in female parts.

“Well . . . ah . . . ah . . . yes, but as I think I told you in our last call, we’re replicating the old theater of Shakespeare’s time and men played all the parts, even the girl parts.”

The phone went silent for a few moments, and Karen broke the stillness, asking: “You still there, mother?”

“Yes, honey, I am, but I’m just absorbing this in my mind. Your brother will be mortified, I think, when he hears this.”

“Oh, mother, maybe he doesn’t need to know about this,” Karen pleaded.

“How’s he not to know? He’s coming to see the play with me. You know that, dear.”

“I guess, but he’ll just laugh and tease me, I know it. He already makes fun of me ‘cause I’m no good at sports, you know.”

“I’ll talk to him, honey, and prepare him for this,” her mother said. “Now, let me ask you something.”

“Yes, mother.”

“Is this something you really want to do?”

Karen thought for a minute, but she knew the answer right away in her heart. She wanted to be in the play, and she definitely wanted to play Ophelia. Then, she realized, too, that she also desired to be female — a girl — forever.

“Yes, mother, I really want to be in the play and it’ll be fun to play Ophelia.”

“Ok then, honey,” his mother said. “Go for it and as they say, ‘break a leg.’”

“Thanks, mother. I love you.”

“I love you, too, dear.”

“I better go now, mother.”

“Yes, I suppose so; it was so good to hear from you. And, you know you sound so different today on the phone. Every so often I got the distinct feeling that you sounded like a girl, or a young lady.”

Karen giggled audibly.

“What’s so funny, Kenny?” her mother asked, the use of her male name sounding shockingly foreign to her.

“Mother, it’s called ‘method acting,’ which is what Professor McIver is teaching us here. It means we must cultivate a part and actually ‘live in the part’ 24/7 in the rehearsal time leading up to the play. I’m just trying to sound female, that’s all.”

“Well, dear, I think you’re succeeding, but I hope it doesn’t stick with you after the play. I want my son back.”

“Bye mother,” Karen said.

“Ok honey, you be a good boy . . . or should I say good girl?”

“For now, mother, good girl,” Karen said, laughing.

His mother joined in the laughter, and the two ended the call, though Karen felt her mother’s laughter was a bit forced.

Karen breathed a sigh of relief. She was seated on her bed alone in her room, just before resuming afternoon classes, pondering over her mother’s closing comments that she “wants her son back.” She had been so invested in playing the girl’s role since learning of her being named to play Ophelia that she felt she had become indeed female. She loved the feeling; it came so natural to her, and she was so comfortable in the role. Was she not really a girl after all? Was it merely as joke of nature that gave her the physical parts of a boy?

*****
In the meantime, Mark had become consumed with the role of Hamlet and was forever practicing his lines, often working with Karen who would read the parts of the other characters during his recitations.

“You’re lucky, Karen,” he said as they practiced the lines in one of the vacant studios at the college’s music building. “Ophelia has so few lines to say.”

“I know, Mark, but that gives me more time to help you and be with you,” she said, her voice taking on a flirting tone.

“Now don’t distract me or I’ll have to ask Jimmie to read with me,” he said.

“No way. I’ll gouge his eyes out if he even tries it,” she said, giggling.

“Well let’s get started, I need to try that ‘To be or not to be’ soliloquy,” he said. “I’m not happy with it. I have to sound more wimpy I think.”

Karen nodded and added: “Just try it slower, maybe softer, but you’ll need to project your voice at the same time. That’s so hard.”

“You’re such a good helpmate, Karen,” he said smiling.

They spent the time before dinner hour on his lines. It helped Karen, too, since she was beginning to realize, as Professor McIver said in class, that the best actors were also the best listeners. “You have to hear and understand what the other actor is saying so that you can respond more naturally,” he had counseled.

“You know we’re just like an old married couple,” Mark said as the night of the play neared. “Like the great acting team of Lynn Fontanne and Alfred Lunt.”

“I love that image, Mark,” she said, giving him a light kiss on his cheek.

*****
As understudy, Jimmie was also fitted for Ophelia’s outfits; it turned out that he could wear the exact same sizes as Karen. That fact rankled Karen, who had grown to distrust the boy. She looked on with disdain, as she gave over her costume for the fitting, while she donned a pair of shorts and a tank top.

“You still look sexy as hell,” Mark whispered to her as they sat in the wings of the college’s Canterbury Hall auditorium watching Jimmie participate in the run-through for understudies. Their friend, Emily, was understudying Hamlet, which seemed weird, since she was short and diminutive. Fortunately, Jimmie was no taller, so the difference wasn’t noticeable and Emily did a really credible job at portraying the Danish prince.

“Look at her prance about,” Karen said, as they watched Jimmie, who had difficulty in holding back on his overly effeminate actions.

Mark smiled. “Now let’s not be catty!”

Karen blushed. She hated herself when she acted like that, with jealousy. In truth, Jimmie did a passable job as Ophelia, and Karen knew he could easily replace her should she be unable to go on.

“Well, you better hope I don’t get sick or something, or else you’ll have to kiss him, Mark,” she said.

“Hmmmm, that’s all the more reason to protect you, Karen,” Mark said with a smile.

*****
“I love you all,” Karen said exuberantly one evening as she and her four girl friends were gathered in Carla and Mary’s room.

She was totally sincere with her comments. She was totally accepted by all four of them as one of them. No longer was she an oddity, a weird creature, or even a sissy boy. She was a girl and they talked to her as a sister and she responded back, so happy with their company.

It was just two nights before the production would be on stage. As was typical with the summer camp, the community was invited, as were many parents and relatives of the acting company, if they were located within a day’s driving distance. Even so, some parents made cross country trips to see the show and on the following day (graduation) to pick their young gentlemen and ladies up for the return home.

Thus, there was already a tension in the air as the girls gathered, basically beginning to hash out the six-week session. Much of the time was spent discussing the boys the girls might have met; since Mark, Jimmie and Kenny (now Karen) were the only boys among the 12 girls, there wasn’t much to choose from. With Mark obviously becoming the boy friend of Karen, that only left Jimmie, who made no secret of being gay.

“Thank God for the basketball camp or we’d have no men to moon over,” said Mary.

“Yeah, how is it going with that tall blonde boy from Minneapolis?” queried Carla.

“He’s nice, but kinda naíve,” Mary said. “We did have coffee together one day in town, but I think he’s scared of girls.”

Sally giggled. “Maybe he’s just scared of you,” she said, teasing.

“Well, he’s so into basketball, that’s all he talked about. He said both Minnesota and Wisconsin are recruiting him, as well as Gonzaga.”

“So much for jocks,” Emily said. “And we made Karen here so pretty she stole the only man around.”

“Yeah, we’re jealous,” Sally echoed.

Karen reddened. “I really didn’t want that to happen, really. I just thank you all for making me who I am.”

“No, I think you naturally are a girl, Karen,” Carla said. “You just exude femininity. You didn’t need our makeup and clothes to make it come true.”

“I love you all so much,” Karen repeated.

Soon the conversation turned to Jimmie, and his implied threat to Karen.

“Has he done anything to hurt you, Karen?” Mary asked.

“Not yet, or not that I know of,” Karen answered. “I know he did a really good job doing the understudy role the other day.”

“Yeah, he really toned down his faggoty ways,” Mary said. “I didn’t think he could do it.”

“I see he’s been hanging around Janet and Alyssia a lot,” Carla said.

“Those two won’t talk to me,” Karen said. “They were the only ones who were not happy that I got the Ophelia role.”

“Maybe they’re cooking something up yet,” Carla ventured.

“There’s not much time left,” Mary said.

“Well, be careful Karen. I don’t trust him or those two hags he’s hanging around with,” Carla said.

The girls finished by brushing each other’s hair and giggling a bit more about boys. Karen enjoyed the chatter, but didn’t say much, content to muse over how sweet it was to be held by Mark, wondering what they’d do tonight when she returned to their room.

*****
The performance was to be on Friday night, with a simple graduation ceremony scheduled for 11 a.m. on Saturday, so scheduled to permit students to make plane connections or to get home (if driving) before dark that day.

There had been stories in the area newspapers in the days leading up to the event, carrying quotes by Professor McIver that this year’s cast promises to put on the “most exciting and compelling Hamlet” in the 12 years of the summer camp shows he presided over. Even Channel 11, from the nearby major city, came to interview McIver and show snippets from the dress rehearsal, concentrating on the “lovely Ophelia,” played by Kenny Hansson.

The dress rehearsal itself seemed to be full of false starts, accompanied by screaming and yelling from Professor McIver, as the play’s director. Yet, there had been electric scenes between Mark and Karen, as Hamlet and Ophelia, as well as some superb performances by Carla as Polonius and Mary as Gertrude. Karen thought both of the girls gave boffo performances, totally professional in their presentation.

Karen, however, floundered a few times, seeming to pause as if to catch her thoughts; she noticed it, but no one else seemed to. She was told by Professor McIver to constantly think about being a confused young lady and one who was infatuated with Hamlet. It wasn’t hard for her to follow his direction, since she indeed was a confused young lady, as well as being infatuated with Hamlet as played by her real life love, Mark.

Afterwards, belying his loud outbursts during the rehearsal, Professor McIver stood up and applauded the acting group. “You’ll do marvelously tomorrow night,” he said. “I’m proud of you all. Just don’t forget my little hints that I gave you and you’ll do fine.”

The dress rehearsal didn’t end until 10 p.m. and the cast was tired from the long day of work. Karen and Mark returned to their room and prepared for bed, too tired to do much more than take quick showers and get ready for bed.

In spite of her fatigue, Karen was tense and had trouble getting to sleep, worrying about flubbing her lines in the performance, and even more concerned about the reactions of her mother and brother, who would see her for the first time dressed as a girl. The fact that she had become such a convincing girl both pleased her and frightened her. How could she ever return to a boy’s life again?

“Mark,” she whispered after the two had turned off the lights and retired to their own bunks. “Are you still awake?”

“Yes. Can’t you sleep either?”

“No honey. Can I join you? I need to feel your arms around me.”

“Oh yes, I’d love that, but I thought we pledged not to get in bed together.”

“I know,” she said in a weak, soft voice. “But I need you. Let me snuggle up to you.”

“No,” he said. “Let me come and join you. I prefer the scent of your sheets, ‘cause they smell so much of you.”

Karen giggled, and soon the two were together, her tender slender body nestled tightly against his, looking into his face that was slightly illuminated by the campus lights from outside.

“Mark, I love you so,” she said.

“Oh Karen, I’ve never loved anyone as much, too.”

“Is this for real?”

“For now, my sweet girl, it’s for real,” he said.

“I wish it was forever,” she said.

“Me too, but let’s enjoy it now.”

“Can’t it be forever, Mark?”

“I wished it could, but Saturday we’ll separate and go our different ways, never to see each other.”

“We can still communicate, honey,” she said. “The Internet, the phone and mail.”

“It won’t be the same, since you’ll be Kenny again, and I’m in love with Karen.”

“I am Karen,” she said. But she knew it was over on Saturday; Karen would no longer exist. She began to cry.

He drew her more closely to him, and she buried her head onto his hard chest, and he gently patted her as her body began shaking slowly as she cried. He held her more tightly, letting her cry and soon his caresses brought comfort to her. She felt so safe and secure in his strong arms. The two soon fell asleep.

*****
Professor McIver told the cast to sleep in Friday morning; he got the cafeteria to schedule a brunch for them at 11 a.m., following a 10 a.m. “call,” in which he finished blocking out the stage and going over a few rough spots from the dress rehearsal.

He also scheduled a supper in the cafeteria for 5 p.m. for the cast, and said there would be room for parents or other guests, but he needed an indication of the numbers that would attend so that the food could be ready. Karen said her mother and brother could not be there in time for dinner, since her mother had to work and they promised to snack on the way to the school.

“Your guests will be able to eat as much as they like, but since you’re all going to be on stage, please don’t eat much,” Professor McIver said. “Just take enough to give yourself some energy and rid your hunger pangs. Ok?”

After the play, a reception was scheduled for the President’s Lounge for the cast and their guests.

The afternoon was free, he announced, although several of the girls, including Karen and Mary, were scheduled to visit a hair salon in town to get their hair fixed for the performance.

One thing bothered Karen; in the morning rehearsal, she saw Jimmie being fitted for a female wig, similar in the style that would match how Karen was to have her hair fixed. “What’s that for?” she asked Carla.

“Oh Jimmie convinced McIver that he needed to be fully prepared in case something would happen to you,” Carla said.

“What’s going to happen? I feel fine.”

“I heard Jimmie whining to McIver that he needed the wig, and since they had some wigs in the theater department I guess McIver said to go ahead and fit him. What a fag?”

Karen thought for a minute. “This is serious, Carla. I think he’s planning something.”

“Like what it’s just a few hours before the show.”

“I know, but . . .” Karen let the words fade away.

“Just watch your step, Karen,” Carla said. “Now let’s go get brunch.”

*****
The trip to the salon took Karen’s mind off the pre-play jitters she was having. She cursed herself for agreeing to be Ophelia, and wished she had only a minor part. “I’ll never do this again,” she muttered to herself several times that afternoon. “I’ll fail so badly on stage tonight,” she said, quickly countering that with a thought that said: “No I won’t, I’ll be a big hit.”

Mark tried to comfort her several times, but truth be told, he too was jittery, asking: “Do all actors go through this?”

“I’m told the good ones do, Mark.”

“Well the way we feel, we’ll be terrific.”

The two laughed, easing the tension for a while. They had entered the cafeteria for the scheduled late afternoon light meal for the student cast. As they entered, the other students stood up and applauded, hooting and whistling and clapping their hands.

Karen, taken aback, froze in her tracks, grabbing Mark’s hand to stop him from walking. He leaned over and whispered: “They’re cheering us, we better bow or something.”

Karen recovered her composure, and gave a long, sweet curtsey, while Mark, taking the cue, bowed. There was even more applause that followed. Professor McIver approached them leading them to a spot at his cafeteria table. He silenced the students finally, stating:

“Actors, now that our lead cast is here, we can all commence having our light supper.”

“It feels more like our last supper,” cracked Carla.

Nervous laughter broke out.

“Good,” Professor McIver said. “You should all be a bit tense. That’s only natural. Just eat lightly and I’m sure you’ll be rewarded with a great feast at the cast party afterward.”

At that moment, Karen saw Jimmie enter, apologizing for being late. He swished in, making what appeared to Karen to be a purposeful “late entrance” so as to be noticed. Flamboyant as usual, he was dressed in what appeared to be a light blouse with ruffles and girlish shorts, with ballet slippers. He had pink barrettes in his longish light brown hair. As he sashayed past Karen to a spot at an adjoining table, she swore she caught a whiff of perfume.

“I don’t know what he’s doing,” Mark whispered to Karen. “I hope he doesn’t think he’s still going to be Ophelia.”

“I feel like gouging his eyes out with my fingernails,” Karen said, drawing a light chuckle from Mark.

That the actors were nervous was obvious, for there was little conversation going on, each student toying with the supper of greens and cheeses and lunch meat and occupied with their own private terrors about the stage performance to begin in just about two hours. Meanwhile, several of the actors were joined by family members, who seemed to be as tense about the play as their actor children.

A young male student entered the cafeteria, in an obvious rush, and looked about the room, and finally settled his gaze upon Professor McIver. Karen watched as he rushed over to the professor, handed him a note and whispered something. She heard the professor say: “I’ll take care of it. Tell the dean I’ll send him right over.”

The professor motioned to Karen to leave the table and join him in the hall. “I have to tell you something privately.”

“Can Mark come to?” she asked.

“Of course,” he said.

The two followed the professor to the hallway and he said that the dean of the summer school program needed to see Kenny Hansson immediately, and that it was serious.

“My mother?” Karen asked spontaneously.

“He just said it was serious and Mark you can go. I know you two have become close friends. Do you know where the dean’s office is?”

Mark nodded and assured the professor that he’d get Karen over to the dean’s office immediately.

Karen felt a new tension, replacing the stage fright that had consumed her for the last several hours. Had something happened to her mother or her brother? Had there been a tragedy? Or, did the school think it was wrong to cast a boy to play Ophelia, that it had offended the area church people? What was so serious? She grabbed Mark’s hand, holding it even more tightly; he responded by placing his other hand on her arm, and gently massaging it, hoping to calm down her fears. She loved this man so much.

Only Mark’s presence provided any comfort, and Karen held more tightly onto the young man’s hand as they entered the administration, uncertain of what the nature of the important meeting with the dean.
The dean of summer school, Father Warren Fielding, was a Roman Catholic priest, who also was dressed casually reflecting the warmth of the day. He was a tall, graying man of about 50 and he wore light jogger’s pants and a green tee-shirt that proclaimed “Property of the Green Bay Packers.” Karen felt this man was out-of-place for a college dean; shouldn’t he be in a dark suit and string tie?

“Sit down both of you,” he ordered. The man also seemed tense and nervous.

Addressing Mark, he began: “Kenny, I have some bad news for you. I’m glad you brought your girl friend along. Is she you’re girl friend and do you want her here?”

Mark didn’t answer, too astounded to know what to say.

“I’m Kenny Hansson, father,” Karen finally said. “I’m acting like a girl just for this play. You know Professor McIver teaches the ‘method’ and we’re supposed to be in the role, even in our time off-stage.” She realized she was tripping over the words, so tense was she; she even recognized how high her voice had become, due as much to the fear she now carried within herself.

“Oh my, you fooled me my dear. You are a mighty fine actor, I must say.”

“Thank you sir, but Mark is my roommate here and we’ve become good friends. I’d like him to stay.”

It took Father Fielding a moment to regain his composure.

“Look dear,” he began, his tone seeming to indicate he was addressing a young lady. “There’s no easy way to say this, but we’ve just heard from the Racine County sheriff’s department that your mother and a young lad were injured in a traffic accident on I-94 and have been rushed to a Racine hospital.”

“What?” Karen sat dumbfounded.

“That’s all we know,” Father Fielding said. “But the call was taken by my office secretary just a few minutes ago and she said the deputy urged them to keep you close to the phone that he’d call back with details.”

“How badly hurt were they?” Mark said, taking a matter-of-the-fact tone of voice.

“I’m sorry the deputy didn’t say, but it must have been bad enough for them to require hospital care.”

Karen finally broke down and began sobbing, and Father Fielding nodded to Mark, adding, “It’s Ok if you want to hug her, young man.”

Mark got up and squeezed into the chair next to Karen, hugging her gently, stroking the hair on her head.

“Can I help you in anyway, dear?” Father Fielding said, having already seemed to accept the young person seated before him as a girl.

Karen felt comforted in Mark’s arms, and her sobs soon ended. She sensed his manly body odor as she laid her head against his chest, realizing the two of them soon had to ready themselves for the play; they both needed showers and a makeup session. Yes, what about the play? The play must go on!

After a few minutes, Professor McIver entered the room, having been briefed on the situation by Father Fielding in the hallway.

The professor kneeled before her, taking her hands in his. “Karen, you supposed to wait here for a call; it sounds as if they may want you to go up to Racine to see your mother and brother, and Father Fielding said he’d be glad to drive you there.”

“But the play . . .” Karen began.

“The play be damned,” McIver said. “Your family comes first, honey.”

“But who’ll be Ophelia?”

“Your understudy, Jimmie. He’s perfectly adequate.”

“But he’s so flamboyant,” Karen protested.

“I know, but he’ll be Ok for the night,” the professor assured her. “And Mark you better get yourself ready for the play, since I’m not sure your understudy can handle the part yet.”

Mark protested that Karen needed him (which she did!), but she responded that he should do the play. Father Fielding would help her if she needed anything. Mark finally agreed, arising, kissing Karen warmly and giving her a long hug before leaving with Professor McIver. She began to sob again, as he left the room. She felt so alone, but she knew it was the right thing to do.