Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 26

Revelations

After two and a half hours of driving we both needed to stop for a toilet break so Andy pulled in to the Trowell service station. We then agreed that we could both also do with a cup of coffee.

‘You look tired, Andy. I see that there’s a Travelodge next door, would you like to spend the night here?’ I asked.

‘Ideally, I’d like to press on for an hour or two more. If you get the coffees, I’ll go and ask if there is another Travelodge going north on the Motorway.’

He rejoined me five minutes later.

‘There’s one at Woolley Edge Service Station near Wakefield, which is only about an hour and a half from here and is about the same distance from Sunderland. That would be ideal, but they only have a room with a double bed available. I can always take some blankets and sleep on the floor. What do you think?’

‘Go ahead and book the room, and there’s no way that I’m going to let you sleep on the floor when you’ve driven me all this way, but please understand that I’ll be in no mood for anything other than sleeping.’

He smiled.

‘Of course not; I’ll be pretty knackered myself by then.’

I felt a little sorry that his hopes of an enjoyable evening had turned out this way, and decided that I’d try and make it up to him sometime.

‘Andy, I’m really grateful to you for driving me all this way. I promise to pay you back, both for the cost of the petrol and also for the accommodation, but it may have to wait until I receive my next salary payment.’

‘That won’t be necessary, Clare, I would probably have spent just as much if we’d gone out to dinner in a restaurant and then on to a club. However, you can buy me a pasty and chips if you like, whilst I book the room. I’m absolutely starving.’

I did as he asked, but wasn’t feeling particularly hungry myself, so made do with a second cup of coffee.

‘I’m sorry if I’ve not been very talkative on the journey so far,’ I said lightly touching his hand. ‘I’ve had many things on my mind.’

‘Of course, I understand,’ he replied giving my hand a squeeze. ‘It must have been a shock.’

‘The first of many, for both Dad and myself.’

‘So how did it go when you spoke to your Dad’s lady friend? I couldn’t really judge from overhearing only your half of the conversation.’

‘Alright, I think. She was obviously surprised by my revelation, but in the end made a comment to the effect that young people must be allowed to live their lives as they think fit. I believe she has a son of her own who is openly gay and lives with a dress designer in Brighton and so the world of gender variance isn’t entirely new to her.’

‘She probably believes that all Southerners are effete, decadent, and likely to lead honest hardworking Northern lads astray,’ said Andy laughing.

‘Or, worse still, turn them into lasses,’ I said laughing.

‘How did she think your Dad will react to meeting you tomorrow?’

‘She wasn’t sure. Apparently he’s allowed to have one visitor outside of normal visiting hours, so she will go and see him at ten tomorrow morning and gently break the news to him. It won’t be easy to do so in a busy hospital ward, but at least there will be medical help to hand if the news causes him to have a heart attack,’ I said, half joking.

At least I hoped as much.

‘I told Vera that we would meet her in the hospital cafeteria at noon, to see how she got on.’

‘How do you think he will react?’

‘Well he’s not exactly the archetypal bluff northern type, but it will inevitably be something of a shock to see his only son wearing a skirt and high heels for the first time. I now wish I’d brought some lower heeled shoes to wear and also thought to bring some nail polish remover,’ I said examining my immaculately polished nails.’

‘You look great as you are. What would be the point in wearing dungarees and Doc Martens if you want to convince him that you wish to continue living as Clare?’

‘I don’t possess either garment, but I suppose you’re right, if I’m going to live as a girl I may as well try and look and act like one as well. I just wish my mum was still with us, she would have been able to talk him round, although I’m not sure that she would have entirely approved of the heels and the makeup.’

‘Well, as the lady said, young people must be allowed to live their lives as they think fit.’

‘I suppose so,’ I said thoughtfully.

‘And now, my lady, it’s time for us to hit the road again.’

We continued our journey and I had to use all of my powers of conversation both to take my mind off my forthcoming meeting with my father and also to make sure that Andy remained awake and alert whilst he was driving. For the next hour and a half we talked about almost anything, that came in to my head — our respective jobs, my flat mate’s medical condition, how I came to be living as Clare. The one thing I did not mention, however, was my recent visit to my doctor and my intention to seek gender re-assignment. It was something which I felt able to discuss with my female friends, but not yet able to discuss with Andy, or indeed my father.

It was almost midnight when we eventually checked into our room. Andy looked really tired, and so he had the first shower whilst I took off my makeup and fixed my hair. By the time I emerged from my shower he was already fast asleep.

---

‘Wakey wakey,’ I whispered into Andy’s ear, and then gave him a kiss on the cheek to reinforce the point.

‘What time is it?’

‘It’s nearly eight-thirty’.

He opened his eyes.

‘Hey, you’re up and dressed already.’

‘Yes, I’ve been awake since 7 o’clock, and what‘s more, I’ve been out to get us some breakfast. Shall we be totally decadent and eat it in bed together?’

‘Why not?’

Andy sat up and I passed him the tray that I’d borrowed from the café next door containing mugs of coffee and plates of eggs and bacon. Then I kicked off my shoes, slipped out of my dress and joined him. It had been a cold morning outside and it was nice to return to a warm bed. We ate our breakfasts and put the plates down on the floor and then both lay back for a minute and turned towards one another.

‘So what is happening today, young lady?’ he asked.

‘I’ve rung the hospital. All they would say was that Dad has passed a comfortable night and was still under observation. I don’t think there’s anything else we can do until we meet Vera in the hospital at midday. After that we’ll just have to play it by ear.’

‘In that case we’ll need to check out of the room by about 10.00am, so would that give us enough time to have a quick kiss and a cuddle before we get up?’

‘Maybe just a quick one,’ I said as I slipped my hand into his boxer shorts. ‘But I’ll have to leave myself enough time to take a shower and fix my makeup.’

---

‘Well, I must say you’ve changed a lot since we last met, my lad, or perhaps I should now say, my lass,’ said Vera as we met in the hospital cafeteria.

‘It might be less embarrassing for us all, if you did,’ I replied.

I was wearing a purple two piece skirt suit and a pink blouse. I’d chosen it as it was the same colour as the dress I’d worn the previous night, but looked less provocatively girly, somehow.

‘And who is this?’ she asked.

‘This is my friend Andy; he drove me here last night.’

‘That was very good of you to do so,’ she said, shaking him by the hand.

He smiled and looked a little bit awkward,

‘So how is Dad this morning?’ I asked, changing the subject.

‘Not too bad. I think we were all a bit shaken up by the incident, and of course he’s also had an operation to clear the blocked artery. They are now treating him with Warfarin, to thin his blood, and are cautiously confident that it will prevent any recurrence of the problem.’

‘Warfarin? I thought that was rat poison.’

‘It is, or at least used to be, but apparently it also had medical uses.’

‘Does Dad know I’m in Sunderland?’

‘Yes, at first he was angry with me that I’d told you.’

‘Have you told him about ….. Clare?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I told him exactly what you told me on the phone last night. It was a little difficult as there were other patients in the same room and also staff coming and going.’

‘I guess so. So how did he react?’

‘He became very quiet and thoughtful for a while. It was almost as if he wasn’t completely surprised by the news.’

‘Really? It came as quite a surprise to me when it all happened.’

‘Well maybe he didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but he’d previously said to me that he was worried about how you were getting on in London, although you’d apparently seemed to be happier when you visited just before Christmas. I think he was disappointed that you hadn’t felt able to tell him the whole truth, but was relieved to discover that you were no longer going oversea.’

‘I see,’ I said, feeling rather guilty. ‘At the time I thought I might be able to sort things out without him finding out.’

‘Well, he knows now.’

‘So how have you left things with him?’

‘I spoke to the nurse in charge and explained that you’d driven up from London and had to return there later today, and so you can go up and see him straight away, if you wish. Your young man had better wait here with me, though.’

‘Is that alright with you Andy?’

‘Yes, of course, you go up and see him.’

I followed Vera’s instructions to get to the ward and then asked a nurse where to find him. He was in the corner of a side ward containing six beds. The bed next to him was empty but the other four all had elderly male patients, some of whom were sleeping or listening to music on headphones.

‘Hello Dad,’ I said, putting some flowers that I brought down on to his bedside table. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘I’m alright, just a little bit tired.’

He looked at me carefully for what seemed like ages. I didn’t know what to say.

‘Well hinny, you remind me of your mother when she was your age and we first started stepping out together.’

‘Do I really?’ I said, blushing, but with a note of relief in my voice.

A ward orderly came over and picked up the flowers.

‘I’ll put those in a vase for you,’ she said.

We both waited quietly for her to leave us.

‘So what has happened to Tom?’ he asked

‘I’m not absolutely sure; he’s gone away for a while.’

‘Gone to America?’

‘I suppose you could say that, but Clare will still be living and working in London.’

‘Is Tom ever coming back?’

‘I’m not sure, Dad; possibly not. But please understand that I’ve been really happy over the last few weeks.’

‘And Tom wasn’t happy?’

‘No! Not really.’

‘I suspected not, so did your mother,’ he replied sadly.

The orderly returned bringing the flowers in a vase, and put them down on the locker then busied herself checking the forms at the end of her bed. I looked around at the other occupants of the room, whilst we waited for her to leave

‘When do you go back to London?’

‘This afternoon, I’m afraid. We’ll need to leave by three if we’re going to be back in London tonight.’

‘Who’s we?’

‘A friend gave me a lift up in his car. He’s waiting downstairs with Vera,’ I said beginning to blush.

‘Oh! I see. Is it serious?’

‘I’m not sure,’ I said, blushing even more. ‘It is the first time I have ever been out with someone. I am still trying to work out who I am.’

He didn’t answer. A trolley appeared at the entrance to the room; an orderly came over to us.

‘We are serving the patients their lunches now, would you mind coming back at two o’clock, please Madam.’

It was said as an instruction rather than a question.

‘Listen, my bonny lass, we will need to have a serious talk about things - about the past and the future - but this isn’t the time or place to do so,’ said Dad.

‘Yes, I can see that,’ I replied.

‘I should be out of here in a day or two and once I’ve regained my strength I’ll come down to see you in London.’

‘That’s a long way for you to come, why don’t I come up here, or perhaps we could meet half-way?’

‘No, I want to see how and where you’re living. In the meanwhile please come back at two, and you can bring your young man with you, if you wish.’

‘Alright,’ I said getting up to leave. ‘I should like that.’

---

Andy and Vera seemed to be getting on alright and were having a cup of tea together, when I rejoined them. Vera offered to go and get me a cup.

‘How did you get on Clare?’ Andy asked when she left us.

‘OK, I think, for the time being at least. I think Vera must have done a good job breaking the news to him, and he’s not the type to ‘freak out’ in public. However, he says we wants to come and see me in London when he’s a little better, ‘to talk about the past and the future,’ whatever that means.’ I replied. ‘They are giving him lunch now but he would like us to come back at two o’clock. You can come as well, Andy, if you wish to do so.’

‘Alright, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to stay for long.’

Vera returned with my tea.

‘Thanks so much for everything you’ve done for my dad over the last few days,’ I said.

‘Think nothing of it, lass,’ she said, touching my hand. ‘I’m glad that you decided to come and see him.’

‘So am I now, but thanks for telling him … everything.’

‘No problem. Now what will be happening this afternoon?’

‘I think we should try and leave at 2.30pm,’ said Andy.

‘In that case you two go up to see him at 2.00pm. I’ll go home now and come back by 2.30.’

---

The afternoon visit was much less of an ordeal for us both. The ward was full of visitors to the other patients and so there could be no opportunity for any embarrassing discussions or revelations. Dad appeared to accept me as his daughter and shook hand with Andy. He also thanked him for driving me up to visit him. Andy apologized that we would not be able to stay for very long, but Dad said he understood, but was glad we had made the effort. Eventually Vera arrived and so I took my leave of them both, giving them a parting kiss.

‘One other thing, hinny, maybe you could send me a photograph of yourself sometime,’ said Dad as I was about to leave.

I smiled.

‘Yes of course, Dad. My flat mate has a good quality camera, I’ll ask her to take one of me as soon as I get home.’

---

I’d texted Suzanne a couple of times over the course of the last twenty four hours, ostensibly to let her know we’d arrived safely, but also as a means of checking that she was still alright. Once we were underway I called her, to let her know when to expect me home.

‘Hi Clare, how’s your Dad?’

‘Not too bad, I think the need to panic is probably now passed. How are you?’

‘I’m fine, Debbie is here with me.’ So how did the meeting with your dad go?’

‘A lot better than I feared. At least he didn’t try and tell me to take a cold shower and pull myself together or seek to have me committed to a mental institution’

‘Well that’s something, I suppose.

‘He also called me hinny’

‘Is that good?’ she asked, sounding surprised.

‘It's a local term of endearment. It's how he used to address my mum. However, he says that he intends to come down to London when he’s better and have a serious talk about the future.’

‘How have things been with Andy?’

‘He’s been great,’ I said looking across to him then added, ‘he’s sitting next to me now.’

I gently placed my hand on his knee in acknowledgment that we were talking about him. He smiled.

‘In that case you’ll have to tell me all about it later.’

---

Andy and I continued chatting quite happily for a couple of hours and whilst we stopped for a drink at the Watford Gap Service Area. I offered to buy him some dinner, but he preferred to have a snack and press on. During the final leg of our journey I couldn’t stop myself from falling asleep in the car. It was partly because we had the heater on full, but also the relief of having seen my father and knowing he was alright had lifted a weight of worry from my shoulders. The next thing I remember was when Andy gently spoke my name and touched my shoulder. We had left the motorway and were in the Kilburn High Road, less than two miles from Suzanne's flat. A few minutes later he pulled up outside.

‘I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me this weekend, Andy, I said, expecting him to lean across to kiss me.

‘That’s ok, I was happy to do so,’ he said a little awkwardly, and staying put.

I tried again.

‘And I’m sorry that our date was ruined.’

‘It wasn’t your fault.’

So why don’t you ask me out again? I thought to myself, but found myself unable to voice the words.

There was an awkward silence. It occurred to me that he must have been doing a lot of thinking during those two hours that I’d been sleeping. Eventually I undid my seat belt, got out and collected my case from the back seat.

‘So you’ll call me sometime?’ I said.

‘Alright,’ he said but without a lot of conviction in his voice.

What had I done?

‘Goodbye then, and thanks again.’

I didn't look back as I heard his car start and then drive off. I let myself into Suzanne’s flat not knowing what to make of it all.