Lead Shoes-12

Chapter 12

Have you ever had one of those so romantic moments that it’s like some angel had come along and hand stitched the entire thing onto your heart?

I would have told you a few hours ago that I didn’t really believe in God or Angels or a lot of those things but right now…the so unbelievable has happened for me I’m not sure that if I stepped outside and seen a unicorn out on the front lawn that I’d be as surprised, shocked and just moved as I am right now.

I’m a T-girl in transition and I’ve no illusions about all of that and then there’s the fact I have CP and all it entails. Fairy tale stuff doesn’t happen in the real world, the real world is tough and it only gets tougher as life goes on for so many of us not being born into the privileged few.

I’m not saying that people don’t get happily ever after but I’m saying that people like me really don’t.

There’s days that I feel like I’m Quasimodo trying on Esmeralda’s dress.

I’m not supposed to have a boy friend.

But I do.

Will…

He’s a skater boy and he’s a BMX racer and stunt guy and he’s sweet and brave and he’s a little crazy when he’s doing a thing but it’s more like he’s fearless. I mean he’s brave enough to see me for the person that I am on the inside and he’s brave enough to…

Cut off his long hair and dress up nice to make my very first dance as a girl that special.

To bring me a flower.

To actually hold my heart so tenderly in his hands he makes me forget that there was ever a time that life had broken it.

To calm me down when I had started to freak out and then gave me my first dance in my living room to this amazing sweet and romantic song.

We finish our dance and Mom smiles at me and at him. “We’ll be right back Will we just have to do some damage control.” She takes me by my arms but leans over and she kisses his cheek and she takes me to her room where I had built back up this whole Glomphy overload and started to babble and go on about just what kind of a guy that he is and how sweet the rose was and Oh My God that song!

Even Mom gets misty about all of it and the fact that this has been something that she has ached for in her own heart for a lot of…for too many years to have a girl…a daughter to have these moments with and to share this elemental moments of being a woman with and she’d been in that heartbroken lonely desert that life can be just like me but over on the other side of it.

It takes a bit to get better, and unblotchy and I’m a little nervous heading back out to were Will’s at, I mean I seriously spazzed out on him.

He escorts me out to the van because I might really need my chair by the end of the night and Will doesn’t have his license yet just his learners permit. I’ve got mine, okay the actual license was just a few days ago but I still got them.

Yay me!

We get to the dance and Will is doing all the mannerly guy stuff and opening the doors and helping me out of the van and he’s careful with my dress and we head inside. I’m using my crutches because they’re actually easier on me than my arm braces.

It’s amazing inside as much as it’s not.

Okay, Let me explain that. This is just a school dance, not prom.

But it’s my very first school dance ever. So yeah I might just be a little biased about how awesome it is?

There was the lights all down low and a couple of kids from school doing the thing for the music which was a really odd mix.

Justin Beiber (Bleech.) a lot of the stuff I do listen to like Taylor Swift, Aly and AJ a kind of thing is that Will says I sort of look like Aly. Avril, Demi Levato and a whole bunch of others including some really good older stuff.

Will leads me in and we claim a table close to the dance floor and once we’re settled the girls are over and kind of gushing over my dress and my make up and stare shock mouthed at Will all cleaned up and he’s all embarrassed and red faced from the attention so he spends a lot of time fetching us all punch and stuff.

It’s pretty cool because I’m hanging and telling them all what happened so far tonight and there’s some of the girls I usually don’t hang out with there but there’s kind of been a lot more awareness about trans at school lately with me and Sami going through ours but there’s some openly out gay and lesbian kids in school now and they’re there with their S.O.’s and that just kind of takes all sorts of pressure off. And it answers a lot of questions too as I really don’t act like two of the three gay couples there…two are really gay…like campy stereotype gay and the other guy’s just kinda normal. It’s good because just by watching Sami and I they’re getting that “Nope” Trans isn’t me being some gay cross dresser thing.

Then I actually get up and dance. It’s mostly with Will and mostly the slow stuff and it’s more than I ever thought. I have a bunch of tissues in one hand and I’m blotting as the tears come so I really don’t mess my “water-proof.” make up.

But…

Oh wow…I’m dancing…I’m dancing at a real dance in a pretty dress and every time Will turns me something hurtful that was hanging on gets shaken loose and I actually feel lighter and lighter as we dance and then oh…

He takes my arm and lifts it up over me and I know it’s coming and he spins me like I’m…like…I’m that ballerina…that dancer in my heart….I close my eyes and deep inside that dark spot inside me where I sometimes get pulled into…that place where all the negative stuff lives…there’s a spotlight that flickers on there and Mikayla…the real me stops hugging her knees and lifts her head up and looks at the light and she gets up like she’s never been bound by CP and she starts to dance…

She dances…and we…we…spin and smile…

I’m not even sure if he timed this or set it up but I was just caught in him and I dancing but when he started to take my arm and turn me into that slow dance spin I realized the song that was playing that I was spinning to….

This has almost been a song that was like a prayer for me….made me cry, kept me sane sometimes…

*I Hope You Dance.* By Lee Ann Wolmack…

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance  
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance  
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)
I hope you dance  
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)
I hope you dance  
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)

As the song fades out Will’s holding me tight in his arms and my legs…hell everything about me is shaking and I wrap my arms around his neck and hang on and stare into his eyes and he gives me his cute boy smile.

“Will…how?”

“You’re my girlfriend Kayla, my best friend I know your favorite songs.”

“Thank you…god thank you.”

“Other way around beautiful…you haven’t gotten that yet? I’m the lucky one.”

“Oh Will….”

“Tired? You want to get a seat?”

“Not yet.”

I pull him to me or myself up more to him and I kiss him, I kiss him with everything I’ve got inside…that kind of kiss that’s more than a kiss it’s me being the girl and connecting with his soul every bit as much as a boy and a girl connecting when they make love…

My legs go all over use shaky and He scoops me into his arms and carried me over to our table and we’re kissing the entire time.

I really, really think that I’m falling in love with him.

Could Will be my Forever-Boy?