Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 23

Discoveries

After leaving Andy at the entrance to St Paul’s tube station, I travelled home in a state of shock, trying to make sense of what I’d just done and of what I was now feeling about myself. I could hardly believe that I’d just shared a long lingering kiss with a man and enjoyed every moment. What is more, I‘d been aware of his penis growing in his trousers as we did so and took pleasure in the realization that this had been due to his feelings towards me. It had even entered my mind to take hold of the offending organ and stroke it, although this would have been highly inappropriate to do in the street just as the rush hour was beginning. What had happened to me? What had I become?

As Tom, I’d never thought of myself as being either gay or heterosexual, but rather as someone for whom sex was not particularly significant. I’d always enjoyed female companionship and had always found girls to be more interesting to talk to than guys, but I’d never thought of either group as sexual partners before. I’d never been out on a date nor did I entertain any fantasies about sleeping with anyone. But things had changed dramatically for me, without my being fully aware of how much. Tom, my former self, was no longer around nor likely to be for many months. I was Clare now, a different person, who enjoyed dressing in smart clothes and wearing makeup. I was a young woman who chose to wear high heels at work even though they made my calves ache, because they also made my legs look so much better. I was someone who had blushed when she received a wolf-whistle from one of the motorcycle messengers that came to the office, but was also pleased to have been noticed, all the same. So why shouldn’t Clare kiss a guy and let herself imagine what it would be like to be engulfed in his arms?

But was this the real me, or was it merely a passing phase on the route to self-discovery? I wasn’t sure. Where did my current feelings about myself leave Tom? Did he have any future or had things now changed forever? If I’d asked myself that question the week before, I’d have known the answer, but now I was no longer sure. Perhaps I was always meant to be a woman and this was how I would live my life? But if this were the case why had I only just begun to recognise it?

My mind was in a state of uncertainty, but I’d undertaken to stay living as Clare for the next few months, and both my job and my living accommodation depended upon that fact. So I would certainly continue to do so, but whilst that was happening I also determined to discover everything that I could about my new way of life. It was with these thoughts in my mind that I made my way back to the flat and let myself in.

‘Hi Suzanne, I’m sorry I’m late,’ I said as I took off my winter coat and boots.’

‘That’s alright, Clare, was the Central Line closed again?’

Anyone commuting regularly in Central London would recognise this as an occupational hazard since the whole underground system is chronically overcrowded as well as being the target for suicides who wish to inconvenience as many people as possible on their way out, not to mention those wishing to blow up western civilization.

‘No, nothing like that, I was invited to go for afternoon tea. Perhaps I should have rung to warn you.’

‘You only needed to ring if you were going to miss dinner. You don’t need to account to me for every moment of your day. I could have rung you if I was worried.’

I could see that she was intrigued to know who had asked me out, but was not going to ask. I felt sorry that she was now pretty much housebound without my help and that I was now one of her few contacts with the outside world.

‘I was invited to have tea by Debbie’s friend Andy, the guy I met at her party.’

‘Oh yes, the one you went out with for a drink last week, where I warned you not to play hard to get.’

‘That’s right.’

‘And?’

‘Well he offered me a cake as well, but I wasn’t feeling hungry.’

‘I don’t need to know what you ate and drank; what did you say to one another.’

Suzanne and I hadn’t really discussed my friendship with Andy in any great detail. The day after we’d last spoken on the subject there had been the news about my job and various decisions to make about my future and so any further discussion about boyfriends was overtaken by events. Andy’s name had briefly come up in our conversation when Debbie came over on Saturday evening, but I’d not taken the bait as I was by no means sure that he would ring me again. I didn’t share some details with her, after all she was pretty much housebound now without my help. However, I wasn’t going to go into any detail about our final kiss as I still needed some time to make sense of my own feelings about the incident, and in some respects this was a topic which I might better discuss with Debbie in the first instance.

‘We didn’t say too much. I told him that I’ll be living as Clare for the foreseeable future and he has asked me to go out with him on Saturday evening.’

‘It sounds as if things are beginning to get a little more serious between you.’

‘I wouldn’t say that; we’re just trying to get to know one another a little better,’ I replied.

‘So what’s he like?’

‘OK, I suppose. He’s intelligent and quite good looking but also a little geeky and unsure of himself. I don’t think he has had lots of girlfriends but I do get the impression that he is kind.’

‘It sounds as if he needs a good woman to take him in hand.’

I blushed a little but didn’t say anything, so Suzanne continued with her questions.

‘I trust you said yes.’

‘So you wouldn’t mind if I went out with him then?’

‘Of course I don’t mind, it will be good for you to go out rather than being stuck here with me every evening. I want you to have a life, even if my own will soon be coming to a close.’

‘Please don’t keep saying that, Suzanne, it makes me feel awful.’

‘There’s no point in my refusing to face the obvious.’

‘Perhaps not, but do you need to dwell upon it?’

‘Sorry Clare, perhaps you’re right. I do spend too much time thinking about my future, or lack of it. So let’s return to discussing you and Andy. It will be nice to hear how you get on together. When do I get the chance to meet him?’

He’s coming to collect me on Saturday evening so I’ll introduce you, and you’ll have the opportunity of making your own judgment.’

‘Good! Now remember what I told you last week. Don’t make things too hard for him, he may need some encouragement or re-assurance on your part.’

‘I’ll just have to play it by ear. I haven’t had much experience going out on dates before.’

‘Just follow your instincts, and you should be ok.’

This conversation took place as we were preparing our dinner together, and the conversation then moved on to other topics, but returned to Andy and my forthcoming date after we finished eating.

‘So have you decided what you are going to wear for your date yet?’ Suzanne asked.

‘No, not really.’

‘Clare, it is important for a girl to look and feel her best on her first date. It will give you more confidence.’

I noticed that over the last few days Suzanne had begun referring to me as a girl or a woman without giving the matter any second thought. This pleased me.

‘Why don’t we have a look through your wardrobe this evening, and decide what you should wear on Saturday evening and whether there will anything that you will need to buy.’

‘Alright, thanks Suzanne, I should like that,’ I replied, pleased to have her advice.

After trying on a couple of outfits we eventually settled on a purple polyester and cotton drape dress which she had given me. It was fully lined and had a semi-transparent crepe overskirt, and an elegant embroidered waistband. The dress was comfortable to wear but also looked and felt quite feminine. The neckline showed off just a hint of my cleavage without giving away the fact that my boobs were not the real thing.

‘That colouring suits you and I’m fairly sure I’ve some lipstick and nail varnish to match. We’ll also need to find you a pendant with a stone to match and also perhaps some large hooped earrings to frame your face,’ commented Suzanne.

‘I’m still learning what looks good on me, so I’ll have to trust your judgment,’ I said.

‘You are quite lucky, most colours seem to look good on you.’

‘What colour eye shadow should I wear?’

‘We’ll have to experiment. If I’m feeling well enough on Saturday afternoon I’ll help you to get yourself ready and do your hair.’

I was quite capable of doing my own hair and makeup, but Suzanne had done it professionally and had a better eye for colour combinations than I did.

‘Thanks, I’ll know that I will look good if I have your help.’

‘By the way, how are your hair extensions these days?’

‘They’ve been attached for four weeks now but still feel fairly secure. According to the hairdresser they should be good for a couple more weeks, but I suppose I ought to make an appointment soon,’ I said.

‘Good, is there anything else that will need to be taken care of before Saturday?’

‘I wish there was some way that I could keep my penis tucked out of the way, there are times when it could become embarrassing.’

‘You mean if he kisses you.’

I blushed, remembering what had happened two hours before.

‘You could always have one of my valium if you wish; I’m sure that would stop you from getting too excited, but of course it may take away some of the pleasure at the same time.’

‘I’ll look up the options on the internet and in the meanwhile I’ll have to try and find a way of keeping my penis tucked safely between my legs next time I go out with Andy.

‘Would you like my help?’ she asked

‘Won’t you find it embarrassing?’

‘Not really. You’ve had to do some very personal things for me in the past. It will be like helping my friend to look her best to go on a date.

‘In that case I would appreciate your help to get myself ready.’

‘So that just leaves us to sort you out some shoes.’

‘What do you recommend?’

‘I don’t really have anything suitable to loan you. You will need to wear some high heels with that dress, maybe you could go out on Saturday morning and buy some.’

‘To be honest Suzanne, I would rather not spend too much money on clothes at the moment, at least until my insurance claim is paid.’

‘Yes of course, how about those white strappy sandals that you wore to Debbie’s party, they would look alright and then you’ll also have a handbag to match.’

‘Won’t the heels be too high if he’s going to take me dancing afterwards?’

‘I thought you told me that you’d been wearing heels at work each day.’

‘I have and don’t have too much trouble walking in them, but I’ve never tried dancing in heels before.’

‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you there, but why not see whether Debbie can come round one evening to give you some guidance?’

‘Alright I’ll see whether she is going to be free one evening later this week.’

---

That night I lay in my bed for two hours or more before I fell asleep. I was thinking about my tea with Andy, and looking forward to our date on Saturday. I was trying to picture how I would feel, and what I would say. I then moved on to the other deeper topics which had worried me on my way home - exactly who I was, and how did I wish to spend the rest of my life.

---

As soon as I got in to work on Wednesday Debbie came over to my desk and wanted to know how I’d got on with Andy the previous afternoon.

‘OK I suppose, we had tea together and a chat’ I replied non-commitally.

‘Yes, I know that, but what was the outcome?’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked innocently.

‘Come on Clare, stop teasing me. Are you going to go out with him or not?’ she demanded.

I looked over to Karen’s desk where she was discussing something with Helen and not listening to us.

‘We’re planning to have dinner together on Saturday night and then go on to a night club,’ I answered quietly.

‘Good for you Clare,’ said Debbie smiling. ‘I hope things work out alright for you both.’

‘I’ll tell you more about it at lunchtime.’

‘Good, I’ll want to hear all the details.’

Fortunately both Karen and Helen had appointments to see clients on the other side of London, and so Debbie and I were left alone in the office. It was raining outside and so Debbie and I ate sandwiches bought from the café next door, and it provided a good opportunity for me to have a private chat with Debbie where I related the whole story, including our parting kiss.

‘So how did it feel when he kissed you?’ she asked.

‘I’m not sure, what to say. It was a great feeling at first, but then I started to become a little bit alarmed by some of the thoughts that were going through my head.’

‘What sort of thoughts? Were you thinking about the possibility of having sex with him?’

I blushed at the thought.

‘I don’t know, we’ll have to see how it goes,’ I answered. ‘It is something I’d never really thought about before, but I must admit that it felt wonderful when he started to kiss me. It just felt so right somehow.’

‘Be careful, Clare; take your time and don’t get carried away,’ she answered. ‘Every girl tends to feel like that when she first meets a new guy, but those feelings don’t always last.’

‘So you think of me as a girl then?’

‘Yes, of course I do, it is several weeks now since I have thought of you as anything else, but you are lacking in experience, particularly with respect to affairs of the heart and so you should take care.’

‘I realise that. I don’t think that I have fallen madly in love with Andy, so much as crossed a threshold in my own mind. Yesterday afternoon when I was in his arms, I felt like a real woman for the first time and not just like someone pretending to be one. I felt that this was the real me, and was how I was supposed to be.’

‘Was that a good feeling?’

‘In some respects it was a wonderful feeling, but also quite frightening as well. For the first time I have thought about the possibility of spending the rest of my life as Clare, and having once entertained that thought I can’t seem to get the idea out of my mind.’

‘What exactly are you saying?’

‘That I have felt so much more content since I have started to live as Clare, so much more so than I ever did as Tom, and I don’t see that ever changing.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘As sure as I can be, and given that discovery perhaps I should now start investigating what would be involved in my changing my gender on a permanent basis, with the help of female hormones, and perhaps one day undergoing surgery. I would also need to inform my father what was going on.‘

‘Do you really mean that?’ Debbie asked looking at me intently.

‘Yes, I think I do. I’ve been reading about possible options recently and have thought about little else. I think that the time has come for me to seek referral to a Gender Dysphoria clinic.’

‘What you are considering would be very drastic and there would be no going back.’

‘I know, but I have been reading accounts of other people my age who were unhappy with their bodies and who subsequently found contentment and fulfillment by changing their gender.’

‘You must do whatever is right for you, Clare, but please take your time and don’t do anything rash,’ she said earnestly.

‘Don’t worry, it isn’t the sort of thing that anyone can just decide to do, off-the-cuff, unless of course they have the money to go abroad to have it done. I’m broke, and so I’ll just have to wait in line with everyone else, but I do intend to seek advice on my future.

‘Have you told Suzanne how you feel?’

‘No, not yet, she has enough to worry about with her own deteriorating condition, without me adding to her troubles.’

‘I think you should tell her, particularly if you are intending to seek therapy. It will hardly come as a great surprise to her given the way that you have slotted so well into your new identity.’

‘Perhaps you’re right. To be honest, I hadn’t even intended to discuss it with you today. It just slipped out.’

‘I am glad you have told me.’

We then moved on to other matters and Debbie agreed to come to dinner with Suzanne and myself on Friday evening and give me a lesson in how to dance in high heels without breaking my ankle.

‘Before I come, I really think you should tell Suzanne what you have just told me, so we can discuss your future openly together.’

‘Alright, I’ll tell her tonight.'

And as soon as I've done so I'll make an appointment for Tom at my local surgery to see one of the doctors for a referral. The receptionist will probably be surprised when I turn up dressed as Clare,’ I thought to myself. 'But there is no way that I'm ever going to go back to pretending that I was someone I wasn't.