Strength or weakness is sometimes an elastic concept. It's easy to judge at a distance. Should you try to hold on to that fleeting bubble of beauty and joy or human warmth despite the pain that may accompany it?

This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright KLS 2012.

Emotional Appraisal

By Kristina.L.S.

"Are you okay, need a drink of water or anything before we start?"

"No, I'm fine... well, I'm okay to talk anyway."

Senior constable Rachel Deaks frowned slightly as she looked at my face and the hugely puffed up lip with nine or maybe twelve stitches, I wasn't sure about the number but could picture the tugging as the Vietnamese Doc stitched it up. Weird, not feeling it but aware and the needle that caused the numbness wasn't too bad either. He'd stopped and looked and lifted my chin a few times, checked inside and again the alignment and then grunted, somewhat satisfied.

Three hours in emergency until I'd been patched up and X-rayed to check on a possible broken nose. A small fracture they decided and other than a bit of swelling no problem, unless it bled internally; they thought not. It should heal okay they decided. Shame really, I sorta fancied a bit of a bob, but no go.

Glanced down over the blood spattered dress and long cotton cardie while running my tongue gingerly along my teeth and felt the prickly stitching. Nothing else busted up thankfully. Lip and nose was enough.

My thoughts wandered to Mike, where was he and was he sorry. I pictured the expression just after the punches landed. The anger dropping away to be replaced by pain and sorrow as he reached...

I'd reflexively flinched backwards and he stopped, looking sad and turned away. That was when the banging at the door started. Calls of... "Police! Open the door please, we need to make sure everything is okay in there."

A womans voice and the insistent knocking and repeated "Police, open the door." I knew her name now. I didn't know her much larger and male partners but had sort of watched numbly as I flicked the lock and they had pushed in, she taking me by the arm and shoving gently to the side, swiftly looking around the room. Her eyes stopping cold on Mike as they hardened and her nose flared.

The partner had followed and with a nod grabbed Mike and roughly shoved him to the floor face down as he had muttered something about "... an accident, I didn't mean it.." His arms were twisted up behind his back as the monologue went on and the cuffs were clamped hard on his wrists. They stayed there together on the floor no further word after the cop had muttered darkly.."Shut Up.." his knee pressed into the small of Mikes back and a hand pressing the back of his head.

"Okay, so what happened here?" as she let me go and pulled a small black notebook and waited for me to gather my thoughts and speak. She asked for clarification once or twice as I had to repeat things, scribbling with a pencil in a small book while standing was I suspected an acquired skill, but not a speedy one.

It took about ten minutes as I stood there with a tea towel stuck against my lip and ran my thoughts back and forth while wondering if I could get the drops of blood out of the rug. She'd had a quick look and grimaced, " We'll get you to hospital shortly, that'll need stitches."

She bent down and gruffly muttered, " You, are under arrest. Assault occasioning actual bodily harm." Then to her partner, " Get a van, I'll take her to the hospital as soon as they get here."

He had nodded and grabbed the mic on his left shoulder as she turned back to me.

"I'll take you to the hospital and stay while you get patched. The we'll head back to the station and take a statement. He can cool his heels and reflect a little on hitting women."

There'd been a roughly muttered, "She's not a fuckin' wo...." and a grunt as his head was bounced on the floor not too gently, followed by another, darker, "Shut Up."

I'd nodded slightly numbly and looked down at Mike and the cop crouched slightly above him his weight pressing down on his left knee on Mikes pelvis holding him still. Just stood staring into space, thoughts awhirl as we waited. Maybe ten minutes as my mind churned and then settled on the memory of the day... well I thought it was after midnight now, so yesterday.

We'd fought at breakfast, angry words and insults as I tried to be the woman of the house and play wife. He was under pressure I knew as I had lost my job and had not found another just yet. Three weeks after the cafe had been sold and the new owners did not want someone like me dealing with their customers. They didn't say that of course, but the quiet distaste was not too hidden.

I guess I'd had a false sense of optimism that I was more or less accepted as a woman and could find something, but so far.... Money, always a problem but now tight and he got ribbed regularly for being a little swish in fancying a 'girl' like me. Very PC and encompassing his mates had mocked somewhat unsubtly. They were polite if a little cool toward me and a couple of the girlfriends were worse, though one or two were nice and somewhat friendly.

The spiral had started after he left with a grunted apology but no kiss. I'd pottered about tidying and dishwashing and only realised the tears were running down my face when I noticed the drips in the sink.

What fucking use are you you useless bitch. Not even done, so you can't even give yourself like a proper woman. A bloody joke is what you are, a pathetic excuse of a woman. Hah, some woman. The dress I was wearing had torn slightly as I had roughly tugged at it to stand in front of the bedroom mirror and after stripping the undies stare at the ridiculous figure thrown back at me.

The slightly too deepset eyes and large nose to the mildly square jaw, long face and the shoulder length hair pulled back with a couple of cheap plastic combs. Small breasts just starting to sag slightly after the extended childish perkiness. Somewhat thick waist and that silly little thing slightly shrunken that still reared it's head at odd moments and reinforced just what a sad excuse for a human being she was. She, oh sure... only in your tiny little mind fella. The tears had come again about then, softly and silently as she... yes, she... though not a very good she, stared almost unseeing and in a fog of desperation that felt almost warm if dark.

After... some time, she was not really sure how long, she had roused with a slightly odd smile on her face and glanced out the window. It was a nice day if a little cool and the thought came that a paddle would do her good, work the muscles a bit, see if she could reach Vanuatu maybe. She snorted at that thought and knew she could not paddle that far, but so what.... Out the heads and paddle North East, maybe she'd bump into Norfolk Island, she could have tea with Colleen McCullough if she was home. That brought a laugh, but her face did not move nor her eyes light.

The royal blue skin under a light dress and sandies on the feet. An odd smile as she grabbed her bag and headed out to the car and grunted slightly to lift the kayak onto the Outbacks racks. Stretch and hook to tie and took a good look around and sniffed the scent of the yard.

Parked up at a spot down on the waters edge on the bank of the river near Gladesville. About a fifteen k paddle to the heads she figured, that would work the kinks even taking it easy. Dropped the kayak on the bank and locked the car laughing a little hollowly as she slipped the key into the pocket on her hip. She'd pondered the ipod but decided she didn't really need a soundtrack for this.

Spent a few minutes braiding her hair somewhat proud of having mastered such a girly skill.

Slipped in and gently nudged off and just drifted for a moment letting the initial push carry as she looked around just noting odd things. The woman picking up after her little fluffy while tugging on the pink harness and retractable lead. A pelican sitting on a marker buoy its wings lifting now and then to balance as it watched. The small ferry maybe a k in front heading across the river to Greenwich she thought. The odd windsurfer and small yacht flipping and skimming as she began to paddle slowly and evenly side to side. Gentle even strokes, she was in no hurry after all.

Twenty minutes maybe as she edged into the Western edge of the Harbour proper and found a good deal more 'traffic' though nothing more troublesome than a dickhead water taxi leaving a large wake as she headed for the Bridge. Again she took the edges and eased along noting the scenery, the city and Opera House on her right. The Prime Ministers Sydney house on the left and on past inlets and the houses mixed into the bushland, the odd jetty and past the Zoo. She could see Manly away over on her left as she took a bit more of a pull on the paddle and stepped up the pace a little. Wouldn't do to get run over by a container ship or something, that would be embarrassing.

The chop building up let her know, if the increase in wind and expanse in front did not, that she was edging toward the ocean. A much darker blue and the thought popped in, how deep was it just here? Deep enough she was sure. She took a long slow breath and looked around, just a little spec on the water with nothing close and the rough brown cliff sitting back over her shoulder making no comment.

With a harsh grunt she planted the paddle hard and leant into the stroke pushing and swinging side to side as the waves bounced under her and the small spray tips flicked her face and an occasional curious gull dived and squealed as if mocking her efforts.

The fin startled her and a sudden surge of fear bit before she recognised the rounded shape and smiled slightly as another four surged up around and rode her little wave for a moment before vanishing. She felt just slightly bereft to be alone again and laughed aloud pushing harder, leaning deep into the swing and bite of the paddle.

How long..... she was unsure but her lungs ached and her arms and legs burned as she gasped and sucked hard to get enough oxygen to stop her vision swimming. Stopped just bobbing on the light swell, drifting for a minute as she tried to get her breath and with a glance when she was able looked behind and tried to guess how far off shore she was. Two three k maybe, the cliffs were still visible so at water level she wasn't far out, but far enough, that's for sure.

As the burn and gasp settled she looked around just smelling the sea and tried to imagine the depth below and the height above and then the deep dark unimaginable distances out from there to... the swirling cloud of whatever was there, or maybe just emptiness as the bits of space just thinned and stretched out to nothing at all.

She drifted for a while just trying to fit the little microbe of herself into the universal immensity and felt small and meaningless yet untroubled by it. It didn't matter after all, did it.

The feeling of lifting struck a sudden fear as she pondered earthquake and then laughed feebly and with a brittle edge. The water was rising under her and she vaguely wondered if her thoughts had roused some alien space ship from the depths and then muttered at her own stupidity. Flailed slightly to stay upright as she slid to the side in a wash as a huge grey blue barnacle crusted bulk slid scratchingly under her. The spout that followed with a spray and a sour musty smell focused her thoughts as she paddled to the side in a semi circle and edged alongside the huge bulk that raised a mammoth fin as though inviting a scratch on some itch or maybe a wave hello.

It rolled and she wobbled and had to concentrate on staying upright again and noted the smaller though still about five times her size creamy blue grey calf that had emerged behind Mum. Another spout, smaller with a slightly sweeter smell followed by a loud grunting warbling cry unlike anything she had ever heard.

They both, in wide circles seemed to nudge and play with this little bath toy thing they had discovered. Fortunately they did not drop on her after a roll or swat her with a fin the size of her car. Even babies was bigger than she was and would have hurt for sure. Or cracked the kayak in two, it would be a long swim.

Maybe ten minutes before they slid with a last spout and echoey squeal into the dark water, vanishing completely in seconds. She was totally covered in spray and had a huge smile on her face and a vague thought that the greenie wardens would be planting tickets on her kayak for interfering with a migrating whale or some such crap had they seen. Hell, she was the duck in the bath tub here. No one would believe this, but she was glad she had not had a camera to hand.

With a laugh and huge grin on her face she turned and paddled slowly toward the brown line of the cliffs in the distance.

Her mood had lasted all the way home and she had hummed while making a nice dinner after spending some time tidying and at least doing her bit toward making home comfortable and pleasant. Her man would be home soon and she wanted to be ready and apologise for not being quite what he needed her to be and let him know she was grateful and would try to be the woman he wanted.

He had smiled a little ruefully on arrival and apologised for being snarky that morning and they had chatted and had a drink while she puttered about serving dinner and they sat and ate and it was nice. Gentle conversation enquiring after each others day and smiling and nodding at little things though for some reason she did not mention the kayak or the paddle she had had.

They sat watching telly and she had rolled her eyes at some comment he made about a show she liked and he thought was stupid. His face had twisted in anger and the barked insult was so sudden and brutal the tears had come which brought on the cold mockery.

She retreated to the kitchen as he channel surfed in the background. Cleaning up and wiping though she had done that hours earlier and he had helped some too.

She tried once or twice to talk and then just sat silently while he watched some inane American comedy with canned laughter that jarred her nerves as though a broken tooth was warring with fingernails on a blackboard for attention. The shiver of irritation had been seen and he had barked out...

"What, too fuckin' smart for this shit are you you useless fucking excuse for a woman. Why do I fucking stay here if I am such a lowly piece of crap to Mizz High n Fuckin mighty wannabee woman. Shit you are a poor excuse for a girlfriend I must be fucking daft. You can't even give over like a real woman can you, it would probably be like fucking a rubber doll. Shit a doll would be more fun." He had spat and glowered at her and then sat staring and sipping his beer waiting for some reaction.

She just sat still and flinched every time he moved and the fart caused her to cry out so sudden and loud was the noise. He had laughed and jumped up standing in front of her and bent down right in her face and let out a huge thunderous rolling burp. It smelt and she turned sideways grimacing.

"Don't you turn your face away from me you fucking pathetic not even bitch." he growled sneeringly his face almost touching hers.

That anger had sprayed her both literally and figuratively as she flinched and let out a small squeak of fear. She barely felt the punches too stunned to move or cry out. It was a minute or so later she had wondered who had called the cops.

She held the statement on her lap and tried to read it. Rachel gently coaxed her to .." take your time..", just read it through and once you agree that is what you said sign and date there at the bottom.

She had tried three times as the tears had started to roll. The male copper had left and come back a minute later with a box of tissues and handed it to her. She smiled in thanks as he expressionlessly returned to his seat opposite.

Took a deep breath and clenched the pen tight in her hand as it shook and she tried to think this through and do what she had to do.

Sat it down on the desk and slid the sheet of paper alongside it with a sigh clenching her hands together tightly in her lap as she shook slightly before raising her chin and looking Rachel in the eye.

" No, sorry."

" You What. " The other cop blurted. Rachel put her hand on his leg as he went to stand and he stayed put grinding his teeth.

" I can't. He's not bad really and I... I mean he deserves better doesn't he..", as Rachel sat stony faced unmoving but her eyes sad.

" You don't understand. I Need Someone, don't you see, Everyone needs someone and what other chance do I have. Who would want me. I... I know he's sorry, it will be fine." I was crying again now though not really aware of it and sad that I had let this woman down. I muttered a quiet sorry and stood. She followed and led me out.

I turned and looked at her as she stood silent, her thoughts hidden behind the sad eyes.

I tried twice to speak and then blurted out, " What other chance does someone like me have at a relationship."

~~ perhaps an end of sorts, imperfect though it is ~~

This is not auto-biographical though as ever there are bits of me in there. Just a few ideas that bobbing about in the back of my mind coalesced into a story idea that morphed subtly as the final line came to me while half watching telly one night. I originally had it titled The Price of Love but that was a bit blunt, so... Anyway, something to think on maybe. Everyone is at least a little different and perspective is a curious beast. I do hope no one recognises too much in this.

Written over a few hours on a slightly cool and overcast Saturday afternoon.

Any thoughts, comments, questions or criticisms welcome. Just be polite.