Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 19

Decisions and preparations for a new life

Debbie arrived at the restaurant to find me already sitting at a table examining the menu. I’d deliberately chosen a seat in the corner where we were unlikely to be overheard by the other diners. She was dressed in tight-fitting jeans, leather boots, a woolly jumper and a bomber jacket, and with minimal makeup — quite different from her normal ‘smart-professional’ look at work. Yet she still looked like a pretty girl, all the same. We must have looked an odd couple with me dressed and made up to the ‘nines’ and her so casually attired.

‘Hi, Clare, you look very smart today.’

‘You always look lovely, whether you make the effort or not,’ I replied, smiling.

‘I suppose I should take that as a compliment.’

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound rude, I just meant to say that your femininity comes from within, whereas I have to work quite hard to achieve mine.’

‘Don’t worry, it’ll come in time with practice, but yesterday you were saying that you were going to abandon Clare and return to your old life.’

‘That’s what I need to talk to you about.’

At that point we were interrupted by the waitress who took our orders. As soon as she’d gone, I related my conversation with Suzanne of that morning.

‘Wow, I could see that Suzanne was very ill but I’d no idea that her condition was quite so desperate.’

‘I suppose she only told me as she needed my help.’

‘That’s quite an offer she’s making, I assume you’re going to accept?’

‘So you think I should do so?’

‘Yes, of course I do! You’ll then be able to continue working with us at the office, and also save yourself some money.’

Then after a moment’s thought, she tempered her initial enthusiasm.

‘No, I’m getting carried away. I can see that it would be a considerable commitment on your part. You should only accept if that’s what you want to do. You’re the one who has to decide.’

‘It’ll also be emotionally grueling to have to watch my friend die, but at least I would know that I’d done my best for her. I suppose it would also solve my immediate financial and accommodation problems,’ I replied. ‘But it would mean my having to remain as Clare for some time.’

‘Well isn’t that what you want? It has been obvious to us all at work that you’re comfortable living and working as Clare, and Suzanne clearly knows it to be the case otherwise she would never have made you the offer,’ she replied.

Then, as an afterthought, she added: ‘it would also mean that you could still go out with Andy as well.’

‘I’d rather forgotten about Andy, but do you think that Karen and Helen would be happy if I continue working as Clare part-time for the next few months?’

‘Why should they object as long as you did your work? I’m sure they’d both be delighted with the idea. However, why not phone them and discuss it with each of them individually, if you need re-assurance?’

‘I may do so, but there would be other complicating matters as well.’

‘What sort of things?’

‘Whatever will I say to my father? He’s due back in the country later today.’

‘That is something for you to decide, Clare, but didn’t you tell me that he lived a long way from London?’

‘Yes, he doesn’t live far from Newcastle-upon-Tyne. I was brought up in the south, but my parents moved back there a couple of years ago.’

‘That’s nearly three hundred miles away so he’s hardly likely to be dropping round tomorrow to show you his holiday snaps.’

‘No, I suppose not, but he does visit London from time to time and also expects me to go there at Bank Holidays. He will expect to see me at Easter.’

‘That’s not until April, but if you don’t feel ready to tell him the truth, you could always say that you’re going to be out of the country for a few months and promise to keep in touch with him by email and the occasional phone call.’

‘I suppose that might work for a few weeks, although he might decide to pay a visit to wherever I’m supposedly staying.’

‘In that case you should pretend to be somewhere a long way away - on a different continent - so that he is unlikely to decide visit you at short notice.’

I thought for a moment.

‘Actually, that’s not a bad idea, Debs. He has recently found a new lady friend, and needs to make a new life for himself without me popping in to see that he is alright, just as I need to sort out my own life. If I were supposedly living in America for a few weeks I could stay in regular touch without his having to know the full story of what I was doing.’

‘There may come a time when he will need to be told the whole story.’

‘Yes, I know, but only at a time when I know what the whole story is, and also when I feel ready to tell him.’

‘So it sounds to me as if you’re inclined to accept Suzanne’s offer?’

I sighed.

‘I really don’t know Debbie. I feel desperately sorry for Suzanne, and I enjoy my time living as Clare, but, as you said, I would be entering in to a long-term commitment. If I agreed to her proposal I would not be able to back out afterwards. That’s why I wanted to talk it through with you, and ask what do you think I should do?’

She thought for a moment before replying.

‘Suzanne is undoubtedly in need of your help, but I think you should do whatever feels right for you. However, I don’t think you would be asking me unless you knew in your heart what that was.’

The waitress began clearing the dishes, leaving us both with a cup of coffee. This provided me with a minute or two to think about what Debbie had just said. She was quite right. I’d known since before Christmas what I wanted, but all the time I’d been hoping that somebody else would tell me what to do and therefore take responsibility for my choice. As Suzanne had said to me on boxing day, I had to take responsibility for my decision, one way or another, and face the consequences. I took a deep breath.

‘Alright, I’ll accept Suzanne’s offer as long as Karen is agreeable for me to carry on working as Clare.’

I could feel my heart beating as I said those words, but at the same time I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Debbie touched my hand.

‘Clare, I honestly think you’re making the right decision, not just for Suzanne’s sake, but principally for your own sake as well.’

‘I hope so,’ I replied.

‘I’m sure so. I don’t think you would have dressed the way you have done this morning if there was any doubt in your mind. So why don’t you ring Karen at home now and tell her your intention and then let Suzanne know. That way, we can carry on shopping together this afternoon.’

She handed me her mobile phone which contained Karen’s number.

‘Will she mind if I ring her at home?’

‘No, of course she won’t mind; she was really worried about you yesterday.’

Having first made sure that nobody else in the restaurant was likely to overhear my conversation, I rang Karen. I told her about Suzanne’s proposition to me and her suggestion that the company should re-employ me part-time under my new name, using Clare’s documentation.

‘I’d love to have you stay on part-time, and would have no problem with you coming in to work dressed as Clare, but I’m not sure about re-employing you under your new name. After all, it could be construed as fraud.’

‘Nobody is intending to cheat the company out of anything, I’ll just do the same job as before, but for fewer hours. After all, you are only following the instructions of the regional manager at Head Office. In some respects it would make your life simpler as the names and genders of the staff actually doing the work would correspond with the company personnel records.’

Karen thought aloud for a while.

‘I doubt whether anyone at Head Office knows anything about Tom other than as a name on their books, and once he resigns he will soon be forgotten about. You do look and act the part of Clare most convincingly and so as long as you have a birth certificate, NI number and bank account in Clare’s name I suppose there shouldn’t be a problem. After all, it is not my role to check up on the backgrounds of our employees, I just forward their documents to the Human Resources Department. I don’t think they would be likely to check either. However, Helen and Debbie would also know and so they would have to agree to keep your secret.’

‘Debbie is with me at the moment and would be happy with the idea.’

‘I suspect that Helen will also be pleased to have Clare continue as her workmate; she asked me whether some arrangement could be made for you to continue working with us.’

‘Should I ring her and explain the situation?’ I asked.

‘No, leave that to me. I’ll see you on Monday morning then with Tom’s letter of resignation and Clare’s documentation.’

‘Thanks Karen, I know that you are taking a small risk for me, but I promise that Clare will be a model employee.’

‘I hope so.’

I rang off and handed Debbie her phone back.

‘From the smile on your face I assume there were no real problems with Karen,’ she commented.

‘I don’t think so, in fact I’m beginning to feel quite excited by the prospect of living as Clare full-time.’

‘I thought so, and now it’s time to give Suzanne your decision, and then there can be no second thoughts,’ she said.

‘Yes, I realise that.’

I took out my own phone from my bag and rang the flat.

‘Hi Suzanne, I’ve been thinking about your proposition all morning and I’ve spoken to my colleagues from work. I would like to accept your offer and will stay with you as Clare for as long as is necessary. If all goes to plan, I’ll arrange my working hours so that I’ve plenty of time to help you in the mornings and at night.

‘Clare that’s wonderful news, I’m so relieved that you’ve agreed to help me, and I’m sure that you won’t regret it.’

‘Thanks, I just needed a little time to recognize and then come to terms with what I really wanted.’

‘So you won’t now need to buy any more clothes for Tom.’

‘No, not for the foreseeable future, but I am going to need to buy some more items of lingerie if I’m to be living as Clare full-time. I’m with Debbie at the moment and she has told me where there are some bargains to be had. Would you object if I spent that money that you’d already agreed to lend me on clothes for Clare rather than Tom? I’ll pay you back out of my first week’s wages.’

‘No, of course I don’t mind. In fact, it’ll be a far more sensible use of the money. It is high time you started buying your own clothes and I’ll look forward to seeing what you’ve got for yourself. In fact why don’t you both come round this evening to celebrate. I’ll order a takeaway meal to be delivered.’

‘That sounds like a great idea, but hold on I’ll just ask Debbie.’

I relayed the invitation to Debbie.

‘I’m not really dressed for a celebration meal, and it would be impracticable for me to go home and change, but as long as Susanne doesn’t mind me as I am, I’ll be happy to come.’

Once again I passed on the message to Suzanne.

‘In that case I’ll see you both as soon as you’ve finished your shopping. Please would you bring a bottle of champagne back with you, Clare, and I’ll settle with you later. We can aim to eat at about seven thirty.’

---

After we left the restaurant we went out shopping together in the West End. I helped Debbie to choose herself a pair of shoes to go with her new dress and bought myself sufficient underwear so that there would be no danger of my ever running short, and a pack containing six pairs of tights. It was nice to be able to choose myself pretty feminine lingerie without having to worry about what other people might be thinking of me. Debbie also pointed out several other bargains to me and I tried on a dress that I liked, but managed to restrain myself from buying it. I didn’t want to get more in to debt with Suzanne than I could avoid, and needed to see how the new financial arrangements would work out.

My mobile phone rang during the course of the afternoon. I was about to respond using my recently perfected female voice which I tended to use automatically these days, when I noticed from the display that the caller was my Dad. I had therefore to think of myself into the role of Tom once more before I spoke.

‘Hello Dad, how was the cruise?’ I asked.

‘The cruise was fine thanks, son, but you never phoned us on Christmas day as you promised,’ he said accusingly.

‘I did try, on a couple of occasions, but I couldn’t get through to your ship. I suppose the lines were all busy,’ I lied.

(There was no way that I was going to risk making such a call on Christmas Day when Elaine and Christine had been present.)

‘Never mind, did you get our postcard?’

‘No, I’m afraid not; there was a fire at my old flat whilst I was away during the Christmas Holiday and I’m having to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. But I’ll be going round to pick up my post in a few days.’

‘I hope you are covered by insurance.’

‘I believe so, but it is going to take a couple of weeks to sort out.’

‘In that case you’d better give me your new address.’

‘Well, actually Dad, my current address is only temporary as it looks as if I may be be going to the USA for a few weeks with my work.’

‘Oh that sounds interesting! Whereabouts?

‘Denver.’

(I wanted to choose somewhere fairly remote where he would never dream of visiting me.)

‘Where’s that?’

‘Colorado, I believe.’

‘You have a cousin in Boston, perhaps you could look in on her one afternoon?’

(Dad’s geography got a little bit shaky once he got outside the UK. Like many Brits he assumed that you ought to be able to visit anywhere in a country with half a day’s driving.)

‘I don’t think that will be practicable, Denver is nearly as far from Boston, as Boston is from London.’

That would at least bring it home to him how far it was.

‘Oh, so when will you be leaving?’

‘In about ten days, as long as I can get a work visa in time.’

‘But how long are you going for?’

‘I’m not sure at the moment. It may be for a few weeks, I’ll know more when I get there. An opportunity came up at work just before Christmas. I’ve been offered a posting and also somewhere to stay.’

‘This is all very sudden, Tom.’

‘Yes, the chance came up whilst you were away. Someone had to drop out at the last minute for family reasons. I’ll be taking their place. I would have liked to have discussed it with you but you were away.’

He sounded quite impressed.

‘You have to make your own way in the world now, son, but I’m sorry we won’t even be able to see you before you go.’

‘Don’t worry, I saw you both just before Christmas, and it is easy to keep in touch by phone or email these days.’

‘Mobile phones can be rather expensive to use overseas, but I suppose we can use email,’ he replied.

Fortunately my father was a technophobe and he would be most unlikely ever to want to use Skype or MSN. We continued talking for five minutes or so and I made up a convincing story as to why I had to go so far and at such short notice. He seemed to accept my story, but just before we completed our call he made an odd comment.

‘You do know, son, that you can always tell me,’ he said.

‘Tell you what?’

‘I don’t know, whatever you need to tell me.’

’What I’ve got planned for the next few weeks isn’t the sort of thing a boy tells his father,’ I thought to myself.

‘Yes, of course,’ I answered and then finished the call with a sigh of relief, reverting once again to being Clare.

‘What was that all about?’ asked Debbie, who had been nearby throughout the conversation.

‘I was just making sure that my father doesn’t decide to pay me an unannounced visit over the next few weeks.’

‘So you won’t be telling him about your new way of life?’

‘No; at least not for the time being, not until I know exactly what I want to do long term,’ I answered feeling guilty.

‘Be careful that you don’t create too elaborate a fictional life or else you may get caught out.’

‘Believe me Debs, my living and working as a guy in Denver is far less far-fetched than what I’ll actually be doing in London,’ I replied.

She smiled.

‘I think you’ll soon get used to it.’

---

Later that afternoon I bought myself a new ‘pay-as-you-go’ sim card for my mobile phone which would give me a new number. I’d keep my existing mobile account operating until the day I was officially due to fly to the USA and then cancel it and transfer to my new number. This would give me enough time to notify my friends and colleagues before I changed over. In future though I’d only be able to receive calls that were intended for Clare. I intended to remain in regular contact with my dad, but it would be me who controlled the means of communication. I’d already set up an email account in Clare’s name by this time. Debbie also mentioned a new service called ‘Facebook’ to me, which was a means of keeping in touch with people you knew in a controlled manner. She had already created her own page and suggested that I should create two pages, one for Tom (for keeping in touch with my family] and one for Clare (for my friends and workmates. I could even make them friends with one another.