Clare and Suzanne spend Christmas together

Suzanne’s cousin Clare:
and how she changed my life

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 12

The Christmas holiday

Suzanne was still feeling reasonably well when I returned to the flat and she insisted on hearing all about my visit to the office and the reactions of my colleagues. I was feeling quite elated and the visit had been a big boost to my confidence, just as the trip to the hairdresser had been the week before.

‘I knew that you’d be alright, you have a natural feminine charm,’ she commented after I’d finished.

‘So it would seem, but I’d no idea that Tom appeared to the world as being so effeminate,’ I answered.

‘Tom wasn’t especially ‘effeminate’, he rather presented as a kind and gentle young man. It was only after we transformed you into Clare that your innate feminine character became apparent.’

‘I see,’ I said not quite knowing what it all meant.

I noted that she’d used ‘we’ when referring to the creation of Clare and wondered who exactly she was referring to, herself and Debbie or whether I was involved as well, or just the passive focus of their games.

‘So you seem to have enjoyed yourself again today, young lady.’

‘I suppose it felt good when they didn’t know that it was Tom speaking to them, and just treated me as if I were a young woman.’

‘But don’t Debbie and I do that as well?’

‘Yes, you are both very kind to me, but it is different, somehow, as you already know about my origins. That is why I am quite looking forward to meeting your friends again, since they do not know, and will just accept me for what I am.’

‘Hmm,’ said Suzanne without committing herself further, but didn’t seem anxious to spell out what she was thinking.

I therefore changed the subject.

‘What do you think about Debbie’s proposed shopping trip to the sales?’

‘That will be fine by me if you want to go. In any event, we’ll probably be fed up with the sight of one another by the 27th,’ she joked. ‘If you like, I’ll contribute a further  £20 to your shoe fund.’

‘No, that’s alright thank you Suzanne, you’ve spent more than enough money on me this holiday as it is.’

Suzanne smiled and touched my hand.

‘Believe me Clare, it has been my pleasure to do so,’ she added.

---

That evening I carefully removed my two breast forms using the solvent, intending to put them back on the following morning. They had been in place for the last week and I’d gotten quite used to having them, that most of the time I forgot all about them, except when I was getting dressed or in the shower. They didn’t appear to have done me any harm, but it was good to be able to have a good wash and to allow my own skin a few hours to recover before they went back on again. It felt distinctly odd to be flat-chested once more, and I was conscious that my clothes no longer fitted so well, so I used the breast forms that Suzanne had originally made for me.

---

The last two days before Christmas were spent by us both in a fairly leisurely manner. It took me a bit of time to stick my boobs back into place the next morning, and I didn’t make such a good job as when Debbie had helped me. They were fixed quite securely but I wasn't as successful at disguising the joins as my friend. Nevertheless, I was pleased to have them back in place again and I wasn’t planning to wear anything particularly revealing over the next few days. It even went through my mind to wonder what it would be like to have breasts of my own, but I quickly put that thought out of my mind.

I did my own and Suzanne’s laundry and helped to finish decorating the flat. I also went out for a few last minute purchases in the locality, on the Saturday afternoon mainly to ensure that Suzanne had sufficient supplies of her medications to cover the holiday period. During the evening I wrapped the presents that I’d bought for Suzanne and her two friends and placed them next to the artificial Christmas tree that I’d help Suzanne to erect. As I did so I realised that I’d now become quite adept with my hands despite having long finger nails. This made me realise that there wasn’t anything about being Clare that now felt particularly unusual. I was now quite used to having long hair, long fingernails, breasts, wearing high heels, and a dress. I could now insert earrings into my pierced ears without giving the matter any thought. I could also make up my face properly in a fraction of the time it once took and wearing cosmetics no longer felt strange. In fact I quite enjoyed the time I spent in front of my dressing table mirror at the beginning and end of each day as it gave me a chance to reflect upon my life.

It was during one of these periods that I wondered what my mother would have said, or thought, if she had been alive to see me. She was not exactly the feminine type herself and didn’t go in for pretty dresses or makeup, but she never condemned or looked down on anybody who did so. Also she stressed to me that I should be my own person and I had a sneaking suspicion that she would not be upset, especially after what she had said to me on her death bed. My father, on the other hand, was a different matter and I had no idea how he might react if he could see me. He was never an angry or a violent man, but I am not sure whether he would understand the thoughts feelings that were beginning to form in my head, and I would not wish to be a disappointment to him.

---

Christmas Eve was a Sunday. I de-fuzzed my arms and legs in the shower that morning before washing my hair and put it up in rollers. I also carefully checked my breast forms to make sure these were still secure but found no problems. I then began to check the condition of my finger nails, removing the old nail varnish and replacing it with new.

‘Would you like me to paint your toe nails for you as well Clare?’ asked Suzanne as I was waiting for my nails to dry.

‘Is that necessary in the depths of winter? I’m hardly likely to be wearing open-toed shoes,’ I replied.

‘No, it’s not really necessary, but it would be one more minor detail, and I thought you’d got beyond the stage where you would automatically resist any suggestion to make you look a little more girly. I any event, if I do your toe nails I can then ask you to do mine afterwards’

‘Alright then, you win, please go ahead and do them and then I’ll do the same for you,’ I replied laughing.

‘Suzanne, why did you decide to give me a makeup lesson on that first occasion I became Clare in November? Was it just because you wanted me to stand in as your cousin?’ I asked as I was painting her toe nails.’

‘No that idea only came to me later when I saw how nice you looked. It was just that you never seemed to be quite comfortable in your body somehow. It was just an idea I had to give you an opportunity to sample another way of life.’

‘Oh,’ I said not quite sure what I thought about her answer.

After a minute or two of silence, Suzanne suddenly perked up.

‘I know why don’t we also give one another a facial when you’ve finished with my toe nails, so we look our best tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Alright, if you feel well enough to do so, but you’ll have to show me what I need to do,’ I replied.

Suzanne emerged from the bathroom with a shower cap to cover my hair and a tube of bright green cream, which she proceeded to smooth over my face. The sensation was quite pleasant, but the effect was quite startling when I looked at myself in the mirror.

‘Now you can do the same for me.’

I proceeded to do so and we spent a couple of hours in our dressing gowns watching daytime television before eventually removing the cream.

‘How does it feel?’ asked Suzanne when it was finished.

I rubbed my hand over my chin, and was glad that I could feel no trace of hair.

‘Very smooth.’

---

Eleanor rang Suzanne during the afternoon and I could hear they were discussing the arrangements for the following day.

‘So what will be happening tomorrow?’ I asked when she came off the phone.

‘Eleanor will be coming to collect us in her car at about 11.00 am. There won’t be room in her car for my wheelchair, but I don’t think I’ll need it, if you can give me a hand getting in and out of the car.’

‘Yes of course.’

‘If you don’t mind we had better get up early to ensure that we are both ready in plenty of time.’

‘That will be fine by me, I’m normally up and showered by about 8.00am in any event,’ I replied.

‘Shall we exchange our presents over breakfast then?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Yes that’ll be nice.’

‘Eleanor also asked me if you had found a job yet and were willing to stay.’

‘What did you say to her?’

‘I said that you had been offered a job to start in mid-January and would be staying in my flat. I hope you’ll be willing to confirm that tomorrow.’

‘Of course I’ll do so, if you want me to, but please don’t forget that I already have a job, a flat, and various possessions in the name of Tom Evans.’

‘I know but I’m not expecting you actually to stay with me, merely to confirm your intention of doing so.

‘What will happen when she discovers it’s not true?’

‘They will both be abroad, and anyway I’ll have arranged a live-in helper by then.’

‘Alright, I’ll back-up your story but I hope you know what are doing, Suzanne.’

‘Yes, of course I do.’

She decided to change the subject.

By the way, Clare, have you decided what you’re going to wear tomorrow?’

‘There’s that rather smart brown trouser suit,’ I suggested.

‘It would look nice on you but I think you ought to wear a dress for Christmas day at least. The rest of us will be doing so, and you wouldn’t want to be the odd one out,’ she said.

‘Alright, I’ll wear the light blue, if you don’t think it looks too dressy.’

‘No that’ll be just right. Now I think I’d better have an early night.’

‘Alright, would you like me to help you get undressed?’ I asked.

‘No I think I should be ok tonight thanks.’

‘Good night then Suzanne’, I said kissing her on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to sample another way of life over the last few weeks.’

‘It’s me who should be thanking you, Clare; I’m not sure how I would have managed without you.’

As I sat at my dressing table cleaning off my makeup I thought about what might otherwise have been my alternative Christmas, alone in my bedsit.

---

As promised, I was awake and out of bed before 8.00am. I was making my way to the shower in my nightdress and slippers when I found that, for once, Suzanne was already up and had even prepared a pot of coffee and some buttered toast.

‘Merry Christmas Clare! Sit down and have some coffee and toast. You can get yourself showered and dressed afterwards,’ said Suzanne.

‘Merry Christmas Suzanne! How are you feeling this morning?’

‘Not too bad thank you. I’m a little breathless as usual these days, but I’ve felt much worse.’

‘Just let me go to the loo, and then I’ll join you.’

By the time I emerged five minutes later, Suzanne had also brought our Christmas presents to one another and put them on the table.

I sat down and she handed me a parcel wrapped in Christmas paper. It had a label addressed “To my dear cousin, Clare.” In turn I handed her a somewhat smaller gift-wrapped package.

‘I hope it’s alright, I wasn’t sure what to get you, but I noticed that your supplies are getting quite low’ I said.

Suzanne opened her parcel first.

‘A ‘Lancome — Poeme’ gift set, this is quite expensive stuff, and I know you don’t have a lot of spare money, thank you very much,’ she answered, kissing me on the cheek. ‘Now you can open your present.’

I took the wrapping off a black cardboard box. Inside was a lingerie set in dark-blue silk, together with a matching nightdress and housecoat.

‘Suzanne, these are really lovely’, I said holding up a camisole to my chest and looking at myself in the mirror. ‘You should never have spent so much on me, particularly after the paying for my hair extensions as well.’

‘I ordered them off the Internet, and they were delivered ten days ago. I just wanted you to have some nice underclothes of your own for Christmas, rather than only the ones that I have passed on to you.’

I blushed.

‘Thank you, but I’ve bought some for myself as well you know.’

‘Yes, I know, but a girl can never have too many underclothes, and in any event these are for special occasions.’

‘Does today count as a special occasion?’ I asked.

‘Yes, of course it does, that was the main object of my getting up so early this morning, before you had a chance to get yourself dressed.’

‘Do you need any help to get yourself washed and dressed Suzanne?’ My cousin sighed.

‘I could probably manage by myself but it’ll take much more time if I do so. Would it embarrass you to help me with such an intimate thing as getting me washed and dressed?’ asked Suzanne.

‘No, not at all, not when I’m Clare. I suppose it might have done so if you had asked Tom to help in this manner. Does it embarrass you?’

‘I’ll have to resign myself to accepting such help in the future, but for the time being I would also find it to be far less embarrassing coming from Clare than from Tom’ she replied.

‘Come on then, let us get ourselves ready.’

---

I helped Suzanne to get herself washed and dressed before having a shower myself and putting on my new lingerie. I was now quite used to wearing panties and a bra, having done so every day for the last ten days, but these were particularly lacy, and in any event, it was more than a month since I’d worn stockings and a suspender belt.

‘What do you think Suzanne?’ I asked, coming in to her room wearing my new lingerie and housecoat.

‘You look quite sexy, and that colour really suits you. How do they feel on?’

‘They feel really soft and sensuous. Girls get to wear much nicer underwear than guys.’

‘I should have thought you’d discovered that several weeks ago. It’s a pity you don’t have someone to show them off to’ added Suzanne.

‘I’m showing them off to you.’

‘You know what I mean — someone special.’

‘I don’t think too many girls would fancy me wearing this outfit,’ I answered.

‘I wouldn’t be so sure, and there are also plenty of guys who would,’ she replied.

I didn’t respond, preferring to keep my thoughts on this matter to myself.

‘Would you like me to help you put your hair up?’ asked Suzanne.

‘Yes please. If you’re able to,’ I replied. ‘I’ll just finish dressing and put on my makeup first.’

---

We were both ready, looking our best with immaculately styled hair by the time Eleanor called to collect us at 11 o’clock and take us back to her flat. I hadn’t seen Eleanor or her partner since our initial meeting at the end of November, but recalled that the best approach was for me to try to convey an air of confidence about myself. This was much easier for me to do as Clare than it would have been as Tom. This time I was a guest and wouldn’t be able to hide away in the kitchen or busy myself serving food. I would be expected to take a full part in the conversation. I had however grown in confidence and experience since I’d last met them. I’d even prepared one or two stories about my childhood Christmases, to portray myself as a little girl and talked about my favourite dolls and the clothes I used to wear. Thus I managed to answer all of their questions without attracting suspicion. It did feel different to be accepted as a woman by a couple who did not know any different.

Eventually we got round to the subject that was on their minds.

‘How did you get on job hunting Clare,’ asked Christine as we were just finishing our Christmas lunch.

‘I’ve been offered a job beginning soon after the holidays’ I lied.

I was asked for more details and so I converted Tom’s job into the one that I’d supposedly applied for, and told them all about it.

‘When do you start?’ she asked.

‘I'll start the first full week after the New Year.’

I knew that they would be gone by then.

‘So does that mean you’ll be staying with you cousin?’ asked Eleanor.

I looked across to Suzanne.

‘Yes, I will, for the time being at least, until I can find somewhere of my own. That is, if Suzanne will have me of course.’

‘You know that you’re most welcome to stay for as long as you want,’ added Suzanne smiling.

I noticed Christine and Eleanor exchanged glances and looked relieved thereafter.

---

I believe that Christmas day was enjoyed by everyone, although there was also a degree of sadness as well. Christine and Eleanor were almost packed up ready to move overseas, in just over a week’s time and were a mixture of excited and apprehensive. Suzanne had a nagging suspicion that she’d never see them again and suspected that this would be her last Christmas. I couldn’t celebrate without thinking back to previous years when my mother was alive and healthy. Nevertheless, everyone was determined to enjoy themselves, although by the end of the evening Suzanne began to look very tired. Shortly before midnight, Suzanne at last admitted that she’d had enough and so Eleanor gave us both a lift home. I helped my friend inside and to get herself undressed and ready for bed.

‘Thanks again Clare, you’ve played your part well once again this evening. I’m not sure whether you are a very good actor or whether it is your true personality beginning to blossom. In either event, Christine and Eleanor are now quite satisfied that I’ll be in good hands when they leave next week,’ said Suzanne.

‘You’re welcome, I’ve had a good time today, and over the last ten days,’ I replied.

‘Yes, you have cheerfully done everything that I’ve asked of you. I therefore give my full permission for you to dress however you please tomorrow and for the remainder of your stay.’