A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 57

Will the clouds ever clear for David?

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Part 57

Wednesday 18th January 2006

Tuesday passed without event. Jill had carried on like nothing had happened and Anna hadn't acted any differently. There was nothing on Jill's file that looked like there could be a trigger. The only thing that I didn't understand was a notation of "code 812" tagged against medical. I made a mental note to ask Stacy about it when I spoke with her next.

The hoped for breakthrough in my understand of why I wasn't jealous hadn't occurred, but we hadn't completed the topic, so there was always a chance that today would be when the clouds would clear.

It wasn't to be.

"The last two days we've talked about standard heterosexual relationships and same-sex relationships," said Keith. He was sat down next to his wife Becky. "As we saw, the basics are mostly the same. What other relationships are there?"

"Family?" queried Paula, slightly nervously. "It isn't a sexual relationship, but it still is some type of relationship."

I briefly closed my eyes and sighed. This certainly won't be helping me learn why I'm not jealous.

"Yes it is," responded Keith. "It's great that you're thinking laterally on this. I know this might be hard for you all, but I want to discuss how relationships can change. Martha, let's start with you. You got caught by your parents a few years ago. Can you explain how it affected your relationship with them and with your brother?"

This brought me out of my self-pity. Martha had kept details of her family very much to herself. Some had tried talking to her about it and she had quickly changed the subject.

Martha paused for a moment and when she spoke it seemed rather forced, like she didn't want to say too much. "Well first off, it is my step-mom and half-brother. Mom died giving birth to me. When I was two, my Dad fell in love again and remarried. A year later I had a baby brother. I thought of my step-mom as my real mom. I never knew much different. She was always there for me and was as loving and kind as my dad was. If I fell down, she was the one to give me a cuddle or put on a Band-Aid. My Dad was more of a practical person. I remember him teaching me to ride my bike. He used to always be there every Saturday to take me to softball. My younger brother was a bit of a pain at times, but I love him."

"So, for a long time, you had a pretty good relationship with your parents and brother?" Becky gently asked.

"Yes."

"Did that change when you were caught wearing female clothes?"

I saw Martha swallow as if she was trying to keep her emotions in check. Erika must have known this as she moved as close as she could to Martha and placed a comforting arm around her. "Do you want me to just explain the reaction?" Martha paused and in more of a shaky voice continued, "Or do you want me to say what happened?"

"That's up to you," responded Becky, effectively putting the ball back in Martha's court.

Martha nodded and looked around at us, before turning to Erika and said something quietly.

"We can do better than just me holding you," replied Erika, loudly enough for us to all hear. She slid onto the floor and dragged Martha with her.

It didn't take the rest of us long to move back the settees and join them on the floor. This had been the first time that we'd ever had a group huggle like this, away from our year's common room. We'd talked about many subjects in life facts, but never anything that was so personal.

"I was ten when I was first caught," she took a breath and looked around. She bit her lip slightly and looked towards the floor before continuing. "It was only a few days after I first got my own female clothes. I'd felt like a girl for ages and wanted to put on some female clothes, but I had no chance before then. My Mom was far too tall and her stuff just drowned me when I tried. It took me ages before I saved enough of my allowance so that nobody noticed I wasn't spending anything."

Martha stopped, but didn't look up. The way she spoke made me feel that she wasn't just telling us what happened; it was like she was reliving it.

When Martha didn't appear to continue, Becky gently asked, "How were you caught?"

It made me jump slightly; I'd not seen her join us on the floor. She wasn't in our protective circle, but sat to one side along with Keith. I smiled slightly to see they were holding hands. I'd never seen this type of affection between them before.

"Will you all keep this to yourselves?"

We all agreed and Martha settled slightly and again took us back to the time her parents discovered her secret.

* * *

None of us could speak after Martha had finished. It wasn't that we didn't want to speak; it is that nobody knew what to say. I mean, what could someone say about a situation like that?

Eventually Becky broke the silence. "Martha, do you want to be excused from the rest of today?"

"No," she eventually uttered, trying desperately to control her emotions.

I'd never seen someone as upset as she was right now and I couldn't understand why she would say no.

Rather shakily she continued, "I want to be here ... with my friends. It might help me."

I don't think this was the response Becky and Keith had expected, but since they had given her the choice, they let her stay.

"Okay, that was an example of family relationships being altered due to circumstances. Does anybody else have an example they wish to give, and it doesn't have to be about them."

There was a pause where nobody wanted to volunteer anything. Eventually Emma spoke up. "My sister's relationship changed with us when she got pregnant."

Again there was a glance between Becky and Keith. This one seemed to be a look of worry. I wondered what was going on. They obviously knew something and they didn't look too happy that something might come up.

Keith eventually spoke, "Yes Emma, pregnancy is often a source of change in a relationship; not only with the other parent, but sometimes with the surrounding family. It can heal relationships, as it can bring families closer together. It can also cause issues with families if there are jealousies, or some parents don't think it is advised."

Becky opened her mouth to move the conversation on, but Emma said, "This one split my family. I'd always been close to my sister and she was the first one I told about being TS. Anyway, my parents were always getting at her for dressing like others when she went out. They always said she was showing off too much of her body and that people would think she was a slut. She didn't wear anything different from anybody else her age.

"One night she came home crying. We normally chatted when she was upset, but she just went to her room. I followed her, but she screamed at me to leave her alone. A few weeks later there was an almighty row with our parents, and she moved out. My parents told me she was pregnant and she didn't know who the father was. They refused to see her or the baby. I was the only one that ever went to see her.

"When I got offered the place at Hayfield I almost didn't take it, as I was the only family that Sarah ever saw."

Emma paused while biting her lip, trying to hold back the tears. It was obvious she missed her sister.

She continued, "We often write and I get a picture of Naomi quite often in the letter."

"Was Naomi the person you got that fantastic doll's house for?" asked Helen.

"Yes," smiled Emma, her eyes twinkling from the tears she was holding back.

"Does she still not see her parents?" Brian asked.

"I've only had one letter so far this year. It seems Sarah was persuaded to tell Mum about how she got pregnant and is starting to see a bit more of her."

Becky started, "Thanks Emm-"

"She was raped?" whispered Jill, barely audible.

Emma just gave a small nod and burst into tears. To Anna's bewilderment, Jill leaned across and gently hugged Emma. I saw Jill's mouth move, but couldn't hear what she said. Emma pulled back, looking shocked. In an instant she had stopped crying. I glanced at Becky and Keith, who were watching the unfolding scene, but weren't saying anything.

Emma grabbed an offered tissue and wiped her eyes, she was now in Paula's arms. After a few minutes, she appeared calmer. "Sarah is now seeing a therapist. She has found that speaking about it helped."

There was a knock on the door, but it stayed closed. "That's Rachel," I said, as most of year-one looked at me. We all turned to look at Keith and Becky.

"That was me, "admitted Becky.

"Why?" asked Helen.

"Just in case. That knock was just to let me know she was here, but didn't come in."

"No, it was to announce it to us all," I said. "If she just wanted to let you know, she would have sent you a message on your PDA. You tried to stop Emma talking about her sister, so obviously had a concern about the subject."

Becky scowled, "I think this might be a conversation you want to have with me after this class."

"Yes miss," I responded.

"Okay," said Keith. "We've explored the fact that the family is a different type of relationship and that relationship can change due to different circumstances."

"So why is Rachel here?" Anna asked, echoing the thoughts going through my mind. "She only looks after four of us."

Becky sighed. "Anna I don't-"

"She's here because of me," said Jill. "She's here because last year I was raped."

"You never told me about this," said Anna, her eyes wide in shock. "Is this what you just whispered to Emma?"

Jill nodded.

"Is this the nightmares that you sometimes have?"

Jill nodded again.

"So you told someone else before me?"

"It isn't something I like to remember, let alone talk about," snapped Jill. "It happened and there wasn't any need to worry you about it. What could you have done?"

"I didn't want you to suffer in silence."

"You were there for me. Mum had just died and I'd just moved to Milton Keynes. You were there to comfort and help me."

"Is that why you wouldn't let me too close until just before we came to school?"

Jill burst into tears and we moved to form a circle around Anna and Jill, embracing them both. I looked around expecting Rachel to have come in, but it was still just Becky and Keith.

Jill calmed down a bit and in a strangled voice called, "Keith, do you know about the post rape tests?"

"After a rape, the victim undergoes various tests to make sure they haven't been given any infection. Some diseases take time to show and several tests are repeated over six months."

"And, did you have anything?" Anna asked Jill rather harshly.

"Do you think that if I had HIV or anything that we would have had sex?" retorted Jill.

Anna blushed and elbowed Jill rather firmly. Jill realised what she'd said and quickly apologised.

"I take it this was before you joined the school?" Helen prompted.

"Of course," Jill quickly agreed.

"We wouldn't dream of breaking the school rules," added Anna, still a beetroot colour.

This got some giggles from the others in our year. Keith and Becky just shook their heads.

"At the moment I think you have bigger issues to deal with," said Becky moving a bit closer to us. "Jill you have bottled this issue up and have refused to talk to Rachel about it. You were very brave breaking your silence to help Emma, but now it is known. So what do you want to do about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want to discuss this with Rachel? I believe she is still waiting outside. Or do you want to talk about it here?"

My heart went out to Jill. It was plainly obvious that Jill didn't want to discuss it, but Becky wasn't giving Jill the option of not discussing it.

"What if Jill doesn't want to discuss it?" I interceded. "This was a highly personal thing."

"You didn't discuss your issue late last year and then you tried to commit suicide," Keith reminded me.

I didn't need reminding of that. "Jill isn't me. She is her own person with her own issues. Not everybody commits suicide because something traumatic happened. It isn't right to compare the two."

"Of course," agreed Keith with a disarming smile. "And nobody can or should force Jill to talk about it."

"So Jill?" asked Anna.

She looked torn and seemed to hate making this decision. Eventually she said, "Rachel."

"Can I come with you?" Anna asked.

Jill nodded.

"Okay, let's call an end to today's class," said Becky, getting off the floor. "We can pick up more in our next class on Relationships. I don't think we've finished yet. I just hope that future lessons aren't so heavy."

When we opened the door, Rachel was waiting. "So?"

"Just me and Jill," said Anna, holding her partners hand. The rest of us stood by the door and watched them disappear, still wondering what had happened in the six months between Jill's mother dying and her joining the school.

Jill and Anna hadn't appeared by the evening meal, and there were mutterings, not just on our table, if all was okay. Mr Hobson obviously had heard the talk and rose before the meal bell rang. The room quickly became quiet.

"I have heard the chatter that Jill and Anna aren't here. There is nothing for you all to worry about and I would ask you to carry on as normal. For the rest of today, anybody that normally sees Rachel should speak with one of the other support staff. My door is as always open to anybody who wishes to talk with me instead."

I smiled as Mr Hobson sat down. Basically he'd told the school that Jill and Anna were having some intensive counselling. There had been no mention of a suicide alert, so it was just one of the things that cropped up that needed dealing with. It wasn't unheard of for students to need longer chats; I'd missed a few meals because of that myself.

Towards the end of the main course, Emma turned to Becky, who was the psychiatrist sitting at our table. "I'm sorry if I caused this. You tried to stop me talking too much about my sister, didn't you?"

"You weren't to know," replied Becky. "And in some ways, it was good for you to get it off your chest."

I'd been thinking that Becky and Keith had deliberately got Jill to talk about her past, but now Emma had mentioned things, I began to reassess the episode.

"For someone so observant, you can be really blind," said Helen, barely loud enough for me to hear.

"Stop reading my mind," I hissed back.

"I'm not. You just got that introspective look on your face that you sometimes get."

"I do?"

Helen just laughed and the others at our table looked at us, wondering what was going on. Thankfully Helen kept it to herself.

After the meal was finished the others started making the way back to the common room. I hung back a moment to have a private word with Becky.

"Yes?" Becky said, looking up.

"I'm sorry if I seemed a bit impertinent earlier about Jill having therapy."

"Perhaps a little more politeness could have been in order, but as a year leader it is part of your responsibilities to stand up for those in your year. You may have let your personal views on therapy influence your argument a bit, but your point was valid to a degree, which Keith acknowledged. However, you only looked at it from one perceptive. The chat with Rachel isn't just for Jill's benefit, but also for Anna. One of the things Rachel will be making sure is that Anna understands what Jill has been through and why Jill kept what happened to herself."

I bit my bottom lip and took a moment to think. "I hadn't thought of that."

"I know. Don't forget that you are only year-one. You have five years of learning at this school. Not just academic work, but other things. If we had thought you had been out of step you would have been told. Now run along."

I didn't get far. Waiting outside the dining room was Stacy. "David, do you have a moment?"

"Of course."

She dragged me into a room. "What's up with Jill and Anna?"

I didn't answer immediately. I didn't want what had happened to Jill spread across the school in gossip. However, on the other hand, Stacy wasn't likely to do that. But mention of rape might upset Stacy. This wasn't a situation where I wasn't to be evasive, but giving a straight answer might not be the right thing either.

"A traumatic part of Jill's past got mentioned in Life Facts. Even though it happened last year, Anna didn't know. They're with Rachel talking about it."

"Are you talking about Jill being raped last year?"

My heart sank and I gazed at her rather worriedly. "It isn't a word you have to dance around with me."

"It wasn't on her file," I mentioned.

"I thought it was." Stacy took out her PDA and pressed a few buttons. "Ah yes. Sorry, I haven't had chance to explain the codes. When something like a rape occurs, the details are put in as a code. Code 812 means that the person was raped and was negative on all tests. There is a list of the codes further into the system."

"I'd not had chance to read too many profiles yet, let alone look at some of the other things. I thought I had a bit more time."

"So tell me what happened in the lesson."

I gave her a brief synopsis, and then explained what was said between Emma and Becky at the meal.

Stacy nodded as I compressed it into a few minutes. "And if you'd known, it wouldn't have stopped it happening, since none of us knew about Emma's sister and we don't have access to the psychiatrist's private files. While you are here, let me show you where the codes file is — there aren't too many of them."

There weren't and it wasn't long before I was on my way back to our year's common-room vowing to go through all the profiles.

* * *

It was Friday before we got to have another Life Fact's lesson. Jill and Anna had a standing meeting with Rachel at 11am, in case they needed it. They took that option on the Thursday but on the Friday they didn't. Their relationship seemed none the worse, and according to Jill when we'd had a quiet word, it seems that most of Wednesday evening had been spent pouring their hearts out to each other. Since Jill hadn't told Anna something important, it seems they both decided to tell each other everything, right down to the ridiculous. I couldn't imagine doing that, but according to Jill it was very cathartic.

"So, welcome to another exciting Life Facts session," started Keith as we all settled down on the settees.

"Yes, let's just hope it isn't as exciting as Wednesday," said Becky. "Today, we will be continuing our look at Relationships. We've seen many different types so far, are there any takers for other types of relationship?"

"You mean there's more?" queries Brian.

"Yes, there are many more. So, any takers?"

Jill looked at me and raised her eyebrows. I gave a small discreet nod.

"How about two couples who seem to be in a mixed relationship? They all know about it, and there doesn't appear to be any issues. The one part that I didn't understand though was that there was no jealousy. How it was described by one of them was they were glad that their partner was happy, no matter if it was with them or with this other person."

"Did you blab to Jill?" hissed Helen, so only I could hear.

"A little. She'd already worked things out. Just before this lesson I filled her in with the rest and asked her to mention it. I didn't think it would get mentioned otherwise."

"I'll let you take this one," said Becky to Keith.

"Ooh, thanks! You always like to give me the more unusual ones! At first I thought this was just a description of an open relationship. However, when Jill mentioned that all parties knew what was going on, and that there was no jealousy, this seems to be describing something we call Polyamory. This is something I don't think we've ever covered in the relationships class before, since it has never been brought up."

It was obvious that Keith was in his element here, and seemed genuinely excited that this had been brought up.

"Okay, here is the lowdown. This is where there are more than two people in a loving relationship. Poly comes from the Greek meaning many and Amor is Latin meaning desire. It isn't to be mistaken with a threesome, or group-sex, this is something different. In fact sex sometimes doesn't come into it at all. Openness is another factor, the parties involved are aware that more than one other person is involved, though they might not be directly involved with the same people. Finally, is compersion, which is the sometimes referred to as the opposite of jealousy. It is not really the lack of jealousy, but rather the happiness that the person they are in a relationship with is happy."

Keith paused while we took it all in. I'd just sat there my mouth slightly ajar with my heart pounding faster than normal. All I knew was it was a relationship that had a name and therefore my feelings weren't unique. It was almost a feeling of euphoria. I glanced at Helen who seemed to have a restrained smile on her face.

"They aren't jealous that their partner is seeing someone else?" Helen asked.

"This goes back to something we discussed very early on in relationships. If you don't trust, then any relationship will eventually fail. If there is too much jealousy, then trust will diminish to the point of relationship failure. There is one thing to keep in mind. Relationships with anybody takes work. Imagine, if you have a relationship with more than one person, it can get even harder. As I mentioned, these relationships might not be sexual."

"So what's an open relationship and how does it differ from this Polywatsit?" Lewis queried.

"Polyamory," corrected Keith. Helen jotted the term down on her PDA. "And a great question! Okay, an open relationship is often for sex. The partner knows and accepts sex might be gained from elsewhere, but love is only something they get from their primary partner. With polyamory, the driver is love. Sex might occur outside their primary partner, but not always."

"Perhaps after we've finished relationships we should discuss the difference between love and sex," said Becky.

"Hush, you will make them think we do this off the cuff," said Keith trying to keep a straight face. "Okay, so to recap, Polyamory is the love of many people. All the people involved know and consent to love being shared. Sex may or may not be involved. Happiness for them doesn't come through just being with their partner, but by their partner being happy."

"That's weird," said Emma.

"To you it might be," said Becky. "But I'm sure that some might say the same about your relationship. Are you really going to judge someone for being in a relationship that you think is weird?"

Ouch, Becky was coming down really hard on poor Emma.

Emma went a nice shade of red. I don't think she'd meant it like that. "No, I'm not going to judge. Perhaps weird was the wrong phrase. I'd never heard of such a thing before and I think I'm going to have to do some more reading up about it. I'm sorry, Jill and Anna, if I offended you."

Anna looked at Jill rather surprised and Jill quickly responded. "It isn't us. I'm very happy in my relationship with Anna. I'd heard about this relationship type and wanted to know more."

I almost owned up that it was me that had asked Jill to ask, but everyone in the room seemed to accept what Jill said, and the lesson moved on to discuss other relationship types. As soon as the lesson ended Helen and I sent a secured message to Stacey and Andy informing them what was said in the lesson.

That night, while lying cuddled with Helen, I contemplated what I'd heard in Life Facts. We weren't the first people to be in such a relationship, and I wasn't the first person in the world not to get jealous. Anyway, was it polyamory? I wasn't really in a relationship with Stacey, we just fancied each other. I thought it was more than a crush, but as Becky had said the other day; I was still young and had a lot to learn.

"What are you thinking about?" mumbled Helen.

"About today's lesson," I replied. "Are we in a polyamorous relationship because we both accept we both like other people, or because Andy and Stacy have said nothing can happen, that it is just a normal relationship?"

Helen paused. "Whatever relationship style we are in, it's normal for us. Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about labels. I think it will help us understand what we feel a bit more, but why let it guide us?"

"I suppose." I kissed the top of her back above her pyjamas top and settled down knowing that a little more of this complex world had been revealed.

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