Special Thanks to Wren Phoenix for the editing.

Synopsis: Jessica’s first date turned out to be a success, and she found in Scotty someone that she could confide in. Although she was afraid the truth would have driven him away, she choose to be honest, and in the end he understood and still wanted to see her. Janice was not happy that Jessica had chosen to tell Scotty the truth, mostly out of fear. After talking with Scotty, though, she realized that he was truly interested in Jessica, and keeping the two of them apart would have been a mistake.

Chapter 43

 

Shortly after arriving home from my date with Scotty, I found myself pretty much lost in my own little dream world. Tonight had been my first kiss and it was like nothing I had dreamt it would be. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. It was as though electricity was running through me, it made my heart kick into over drive and when it was finally over, I could barely stand because it had taken my breath away.  

 

“Come on, Sis,” Megan cried, “I want details!”

 

She grabbed me by the hand and dragging me up stairs to her bedroom. I took a seat on her bed and looked over at her.

 

“What do you want to know?”

 

“Everything, Jessica.” Megan said with a big smile.

 

I told Megan everything that had happened, including meeting up with Brian, Cliff, Britney and Natasha. She was a little surprised that I told Scotty the truth and like mom she was worried, but she knew Scotty well enough that if he gave his word on something,   he could be trusted. She was glad that I had become friends with Britney and Natasha.

 

“So what do you think about their offer to make you a stand in?” asked Megan.

 

“I’m glad that they offered, but I’m not sure if it’s for me. Scotty thinks I should at least give it a try, though.”

 

“Scotty’s right, Jessica. It may turn out to be something you really like. Besides, you already know four members, it’s not like you would be starting alone.” Megan said

 

I thought about what Megan said. It might be fun, especially going on the road trips and hanging out after the games. Maybe the problem was that I was such a loner for so many years that I just couldn’t picture myself being a cheerleader. Especially when you consider that one of the requirements was that you had to do the routines in front of a stadium full of people that were watching your every move. I guess there was a big part of me that still feared change.

 

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you Jessica?” Megan asked.

 

I looked over at Megan, “Most of my life I’ve been a loner. I spent most of my time hiding from everyone and everything, that’s part of the reason I’ve survived as long as I have. Things are different now and I am different, but some things will take time. I still have that voice inside me, telling me that I’m not good enough, if I do this, people will find out the truth. I’m terrified of losing everything and having to go back to what my life was like before.

 

Megan put her arm around me. “I know that you’re scared Jessica, but try to look at what you stand to lose if you walk away from this opportunity. The only way you are going to move forward and become the person that you want to be is by taking risks. Just like you did tonight with Scotty. If you ask me, you took a huge risk telling him the truth, but you did it and it worked out fine. Who knows, you may have gained a boyfriend because of it.” Megan said with a big smile.

 

What Megan said was true. I was scared, but telling Scotty the truth had been the best thing that I could have done. If things had fallen apart, it would have been worse for him to find out the truth from someone else. I really didn’t want that to happen and being honest with him had worked out for the best.

 

“Well Megan, I think I’m going to call it a night, it has been a long day and I really need the rest, besides, you have school in the morning. Goodnight, Megan, and thanks for helping me get ready for my date.

 

“That’s what sisters are for Jessica! I’ll see you in the morning.” Megan said as she gave me a hug. “I’m really happy for you Sis, Scotty’s a good catch.”

 

“Yeah, he is, but I’m still waiting to wake up and find out this is all a dream.” I said with a smile.

 

 

It really didn’t take me very long before I was asleep, I guess that I was very tired and as soon as I changed into my nightgown and hit my pillow, I was asleep. I dreamt of being with Scotty.

 

 

[-][+][-]

 

Chapter 46

 

 

It was 8am when Sarah pulled herself out of bed. She had been awakened when one of the hospital staff came into her room carrying a breakfast tray. Since the day that she’d been admitted to the hospital, Dr. Robbins had put her on antidepressants. They did seem to help, but had an unfortunate side affect of making her sleepy most of the time. Sarah really couldn’t complain though, they seemed to be working and her daily talks to Dr. Robbins also seemed to help.   There was one area of her life that was really bothering her.

 

One thing about being in the hospital, especially a psychiatric ward, is that you have plenty of time for self reflection. Sarah was no different than anyone else. She carried a lot of baggage from her childhood, marriage and most importantly, being a mother. That’s the part of her life that bothered her the most. Being away from her husband and the stress of that relationship, she was finally able to see things as they really were. She only wished that this realization had come earlier. She had to take responsibility for her own actions, realizing that not everything that happened to her child had been Jake’s fault. She had also played a part in it. Sarah could see that now, but the question was, what could she do to make amends.

 

She wanted desperately to tell Andrew how sorry she was for everything that she had done. How can you make amends for a lifetime of pain and neglect? At first, it had been easier to blame Andrew for everything that had happened. It was easier then accepting the truth, that she had been responsible for much of it. How many times had she cried out to her own mother, begging her for protection from the emotional and sexual abuse, but her pleas for help went unanswered? How could a mother allow their child to be hurt like this and do nothing to stop it?  

 

Growing up, Sarah used to say that when she was a mother,   she would be everything that her own mother wasn’t and truly believed every word she said. Looking back over the years though, somehow she turned out just like her Mother, if not worse, if that was even possible. Sarah had become the person that she hated most, she still blamed her father for what he had done, but her Mother could have taken her away from her father. She had refused to believe that anything was wrong.

 

Dr. Robbins felt that attending a support group the hospital held on Monday afternoons would be a good place for her, and she was due to attend her first meeting later in the afternoon. A part of her was afraid to go. She really didn’t want to talk about her problems, other than with Dr. Robbins. He insisted that he could not always be around when she needed to talk, and that she needed to know other woman that had been through similar things. She could see the logic in what he said, but it still scared her.

 

 

 

[-][+][-]

 

  I woke up at 9am. I’d slept well although my dreams had been disturbing. I dreamt that I was at a football game watching Scotty. I was with Megan and Jennifer, standing on the sidelines wearing this skimpy little cheerleading uniform, cheering along with everyone and having a great time. Then I heard a familiar voice coming from the bleachers, and there was my father. He was screaming at me, telling everyone that I was his faggot son, and not really a girl.

 

I remembered screaming back at him to leave me alone, that I really was a girl. Then from out of nowhere, Steven and Dennis, the dreaded bullies that had been after me for years were holding me down, and before I knew what was happening, they had exposed me to everyone! As I screamed for help, I saw that the dreaded worm was back and I was no longer a girl, just a boy dressed as one.   Everyone was laughing, and when I looked over to Scotty for help he just turned his back and walked away.

 

It really bothered me. At first the dreams had been wonderful, and I had everything that I ever wanted, then everything changed into a nightmare. When I woke up I was pretty upset and I even checked, but sure enough the worm was still gone, thank God. It took me a little while before I pulled myself together. I made my way into the bathroom and ran a hot shower, which seemed to help calm my nerves some. After drying off I changed into just a tee-shirt and a pair of jeans. They were a little uncomfortable at first, but once I moved around a bit, they really weren’t that bad.

 

I grabbed my makeup bag and used the mirror in the bathroom to do my makeup. I really had no plans ‘til later in the day, so I just went light with some lipstick, blush and mascara. When I was satisfied with the results, I put everything back in my makeup bag and placed it back in my room, then made my way over to the kitchen. I found Mommy sitting at the table having her first coffee of the day, I guess that Megan had all ready left for school; otherwise she would have been in the kitchen, having breakfast. Mom looked up at me as I entered the kitchen.

 

“Good morning, Sweetheart,” she said with a warm smile.

 

“Good morning, Mommy.” I grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and filled it with cereal and joined her at the table.

 

“How did you sleep, honey?” asked Mom.

 

“Good at first, then everything went straight to hell,” I said as I poured some milk into my bowl of cereal.

 

“Do you want to talk about it, honey?” She asked.

 

I gave a quick recap of my nights dreams, and how I felt after waking up. Mom just listened until I was finished before saying a word. She turned to me.

 

“I think you are just worried honey. There’ve been many changes recently and with everything that is going on with your birth parents, it’s understandable that you are afraid they are going to somehow mess things up. I think once you go to court and able to confront them, these nightmares will stop.”   Mom said

 

“I guess you’re right, I just wish it was over with.”

 

“Be patient, honey. It will happen. Do you have anything planned for today, Jessica?”

 

“Not really, other then going to the football game after school is out. When is Dad supposed to be coming home, I kind of miss him.”

 

“He called last night, honey, things are taking longer then he expected. It looks like it will be another couple of days before he is home, but the good news is that he has nothing planned for the next couple of weeks. We should be seeing much more of him,” she said happily.

 

“That’s good to hear, I was hoping we could practice for the festival this week.”

 

“I’m sure that once he’s home, the two of you will have plenty of time to practice!”   Mom said with a big smile. “I have a few errands to run this morning, honey, you’re welcome to join me, if you don’t want to just sit around the house.”

 

“Where are you going?” I asked

 

“I have to make a trip to see our lawyer, Bill. He called last night; your name change has gone through, so you’re officially Jessica Dawn Roberts, and he has your new birth certificate that is under your new name and sex.”

 

“Why am I listed as Roberts, and not under Tanner?” I asked Mom

 

“Bill’s still working on the adoption, honey.   When that goes through, we’ll have the last name changed to Tanner.”

 

“How long will it take for the adoption?”

 

“The courts have already signed over full custody, honey, so I’m hoping that the adoption won’t take too long. It’s up to the courts, and they tend to have there own schedule.” Mom said, frowning.

 

  

[-][+][-]

 

 

After I finished breakfast, I did up the dishes, and then we headed into town. The drive took us about a half hour before we arrived at Bill’s office. Mom and I made our way inside and were met by Elaine, Bill’s secretary. She asked us to have a seat and she would let Bill know that Mom and I had arrived. We waited for a few minutes, and then Bill came out of his office and told us to come inside.

 

Once we took a seat, Bill looked over at me and smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Jessica.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mr. Jonah.” I said with a smile.

 

“Please, call me Bill, Jessica. I have been friends with the Janice and Anthony for years, so there’s no need to be formal, we’re all friends here.”

 

I smiled “Alright, Bill.”

 

He turned to Janice. “All the paperwork for Jessica’s adoption is pretty much done and ready to be sent out to the courts. I just need you to sign the forms and I will have Elaine fax them to child services.” He reached over and picked up a folder that was lying on his desk, and then handed it to me.

 

When I opened the envelope, inside was a new birth certificate and social insurance number. He smiled at me; you are now legally Jessica Dawn Roberts, well, for now anyway. Once the adoption goes through, we’ll arrange to have your last name changed to Tanner. It took a little work but all your school records have been changed to reflect your new identity.

 

I smiled as I looked at my new identifications cards, “Thank you so much, Bill! This means so much to me.”

 

“It’s not a problem, I was happy to help.” Bill said with a smile.

 

Mom and I stayed for another 20 minutes after finishing signing all the papers and talked. I could see why they were such good friends. Bill had a way about him that just seemed to draw people out of their shell.

 

It wasn’t long before Mom and I had to say our goodbyes, she still had some errands to run before heading back home.

 

“Feel like making a stop at Starbucks, honey?” asked Mom.

 

“Sure, I could use something to drink,” I said as I looked at my new id cards.” Guess I’ll need to get my beginners again, if I want to be able to drive.”

 

“You have plenty of time for that Jessica, but you’re right, it wouldn’t be good if you were stopped using your old driver’s license. “

 

 

Chapter 47

 

 

Mom and I were sitting at Starbucks having a coffee when her cell phone started ringing. She reached into her purse, took it out, and hit the answer button.

 

“Hello?”

 

“This is Dr. Humphrey’s office, calling for Janice Tanner.”

 

“This is Janice, how can I help you?”

 

“We had a referral come in from Dr. Masters for Jessica Roberts. I’m calling to setup an appointment for Jessica.”

 

“Alright, sure just give me a second, so I can write this down.” Mom pulled her agenda out of her purse. “Alright go ahead.”

 

“There was a cancellation for today at 11am, if you could make it then I could squeeze Jessica in, otherwise the soonest we can get her in is in 3 weeks time.”

 

“Jessica, there’s a cancellation for 11 this morning at Dr. Humphrey’s office. I have an appointment, but I could drop you off first. Would that be all right with you? Otherwise it will take 3 weeks for you to get back in to see the doctor.”

 

“It’s alright, Mom. Just drop me off. I can always get a cab home when I’m done.”

 

Mom went back to the phone. “Alright, I will drop Jessica off for 11 am.”

 

“I guess we have an hour before the appointment.” I said, and took a drink of my coffee.

 

“Yeah honey, but it will take us about a half hour for us to get to the hospital from here. I think that we should get going.” She said, looking at her watch.

 

 

[-][+][-]

 

 

Mom was right, it took us a half hour to make the drive to Dr. Humphrey’s office, and as she was pulling into the parking lot, it looked full.

 

“Sorry honey but there doesn’t seem much in the way of parking, are you going to be all right going in on your own?

 

“Sure Mom, I’m a big girl now, I think that I can handle it.”

 

Mom reached into her purse then took out twenty-five dollars. “This should be enough to cover a cab and also give you a few bucks to grab a bite to eat, I will see you at home honey.”

 

She leaned over and gave me a hug and kiss.

[-][+][-]

 

 

I still had sometime to kill, so I decided to hit the hospital cafeteria and grab a quick bite to eat, so I made my way over to the elevator. I pressed the third floor button, and the elevator made its way too the third floor.   I wondered if Amy was working today, I had been meaning to give her a call but so much had been happening. I just never seemed to get around to it. I decided that I would give her a call after my appointment and see if she had any plans for the weekend. It would be nice to maybe get together and take in a movie or just hangout.

 

After arriving at the cafeteria, I looked at the menu, decided on something light, and ordered the chicken salad sandwich, fries and a coke. After paying the cashier, I made my way over to one of the open tables and took a seat. I was not really looking forward to talking to anyone about my past. All I really wanted to do was move on and put the past behind me. The only problem was, what had happened in the past did have an effect on me, even though I was not letting it get to me. I was still having the nightmares because of the way my birth parents treated me. I hoped that pressing charges against them would help end this, but that wasn’t going to be enough. I knew the only way to find closure would be to confront my birth parents.

 

After finishing my dinner, I took my phone from my purse and sent Amy a text message.

 

“Amy, hope U R doing well, I’m fine just 8 then seeing doctor. Wood like to C U maybe get together on wknd and do sumthng if U R free.   Will call U L8r, Love   sis”

 

 

[-][+][-]

 

 

It took me a little while before I found Dr. Humphreys office, but once I saw the receptionist and walked over to her desk, “Hi I’m Jessica, I have an appointment to see Dr. Humphrey at 11 am.”

 

“Hi Jessica, I’m Elaine, it’s nice to meet you. All I need is your health card and I have some papers for you to fill out.” Elaine said with a smile.

 

“There might be a problem with that.” I said, reaching into my purse, pulling it out and handing it to Elaine.

Elaine took the card, then looked at it and shook her head in disbelief. “I’ve seen transgendered patients before, but never in a million years would have thought that you were one of them, you carry yourself really well.”

 

I smiled. “I’m not transgendered, Elaine, although I thought that I was for a few years.   The truth is that I have a medical condition that caused doctors to believe that I was male. I always knew that I was a girl deep down, but until recently there was no way of proving it.”

 

“What happened, if you don’t mine me asking?”   Elaine said with a frown.

 

“I’d been getting terrible cramps that turned out to be my period, and because I was born deformed, there was nowhere for it to go. I ended up in the hospital, and after they sent me for the ultrasound they were able to see that I was really a girl.”

 

“Sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot Jessica. Knowing you were a girl and having to live all those years as a boy must have been hell for you.” Elaine said sympathetically

 

“It wasn’t easy but things are much better now.” I said smiling

 

“I’m happy for you Jessica.   I better get you to fill out the questionnaire while I figure out how to charge Medicare for your visit, considering Andrew Roberts no longer exists.” Elaine said handing me a clipboard and a pen.

 

After taking a seat I looked over the questionnaire, it asked an awful lot of questions, and it would take a little while to complete. I started on the first question.

 

[-][+][-]

 
 

Have you felt sad or irritable for at least two weeks?

1. Yes
2. No
 

Have you lost interest in activity’s you once enjoyed?

1. Yes
2. No
 
Have you had significant change in appetite or body weight?

1. Yes
2. No
 

Have you had difficulty sleeping or oversleeping?

1. Yes
2. No
 

Have you had a loss of energy?

1. Yes
2. No
 

Have you feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt?

1. Yes
2. No
 

Have you had difficulty concentrating?

1. Yes
2. No
 

Have you had recurrent thoughts of death or suicide?

1. Yes
2. No

 
 

Have there ever been any physical confrontations or threats between you and your parents,
If so, what happened?
 

• My father and I have never really got along and usually there is a lot of name calling and sometime He would give me beatings.

 

Do you ever feel afraid of a family member? Tell me about the time you felt most afraid.
 

• My father scares me the most, because he is the one that hands out the punishments.
• Mom does not usually get involved unless things get out of control between dad and me.

 

Has anyone ever caused you to feel threatened or harassed by following you?
Interfering with your work or education, making repeated phone calls to you, sending
You many unwanted letters, emails, faxes or gifts? If so, what happened?

• Yes my father

 

Has there ever been an order that was meant to limit contact between the two of you,
for example, a PPO, a no-contact order as a condition of bail, or other such order?
 

• There is a restraining order against both of my parents, were in the process of going to
• court.

 

Are you afraid that someone will harm you?

 

• Yes my father

 

Do you think you will be able to speak up for yourself?
 

• I really do not know, with mom it will be easier, but I tried to standing up to my father in the past and whenever I did it usually ended up with me getting a beating.

 

 

[-][+][-]

 
 

After I finished the questionnaire, I handed it back to Elaine, then returned to my seat and waited. I really didn’t have to wait very long before a middle aged woman came out of her office.

 

  “Jessica Roberts?” She said with a smile.

 

“Hi, I’m Jessica,” I said with a smile.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Jessica, you can call me Beth.   Let’s go into my office and the two of us can get to know one another.”

 

Beth and I made our way into her office. Once the two of us took a seat, Beth smiled.

 

“Tell me what brings you here. Jessica?”

 

“I really don’t know where to begin, to be honest. I just wish that I could put the past behind me, I’ve tried but it’s not that easy. There always seems to be something that   comes up, and it’s like I am reliving what happened all over again. The dreams have been the worst though.”

 

“Tell me about your dreams,” Beth said

 

“They’re always different, but pretty much end the same way, with my father showing up and then everything goes to hell.”

 

“I looked at the questionnaire you filled out Jessica, and with what you’ve been through, you can’t expect to just walk away and forget what happened. It will always be a part of your life. If you work at it though, you can learn to live with what happened and become a stronger person because of what happened.”

 

“It’s hard, though. There are times that I feel like he is watching me and just waiting to strike.   I just wish that he could have just accepted me for who I was, but instead he made my life a living hell.”

 

“Why do you think he was pushing you so hard, Jessica?”

 

“Dad wanted the perfect son, someone that was just like him and he wasn’t willing to take no for an answer. I think that he thought that if he pushed me hard enough, I would cooperate with his plans for me. When I didn’t live up to his exceptions, he would get mad and say that I was useless and that I’d never amount to anything. The sad part was, I did try to be the son that he wanted to be. I loved my Dad, and God help me, I still love him!   I just wished that he could have loved me, but to him I was a complete disappointment.”

 

Beth handed me some tissue, I couldn’t help but cry as I told her about my life. The more I talked about it. The more I found myself reliving the pain that I’d buried. I’d hoped that I could just leave it in the past but the truth was all that pain and suffering was just waiting for a chance to break free.

 

Andrew and I were the same person and just because I changed my name didn’t mean that I could walk away from who I really was. All that I had experienced was a part of me now and it always would be. Somehow, I had to learn to come to terms with it.

 

After I calmed down some, Beth asked me, “What was your relationship like with your mother like Jessica?”

 

“Mom and I were not very close, as much as I wished we were, but I really didn’t know anything was missing ‘til I moved in with the Tanner’s. When they decided to adopt me, it was the second happiest day of my life.”

 

“What was the happiest day of your life?” She asked.

 

“The happiest day of my life was when Dr. Masters told me that I had been a girl all along. I always knew deep down that I was, but hearing it said aloud validated that what I had known was true. I knew there was no possible way that I could have ever lived up to my father’s expectations. I was never a boy, so how could I ever really understand what it meant to be one?”

 

“Let’s get back to your relationship with your mother, Jessica”

 

“Like I was saying, Beth, when I first moved in with the Tanner’s, it was a bit of a shock for me. I didn’t know how a real family was suppose to act with one another, but one of the first things that I noticed was how close Megan was with Janice and Anthony and how they treated her.

 

At first I was jealous of the love they seemed to share with one another, I never had that kind of relationship with my own parents and wished more then anything that I had parents like Janice and Anthony. Over time they opened their hearts to me and accepted me as there daughter, and for the first time in my life I felt what it was like to really be loved and accepted for who I was. They didn’t care whether I was male or female, they just loved me unconditionally, without expecting anything in return.” I couldn’t help it, I found myself overrun by emotion and broke down crying.

 

It took me a little while to pull myself together, but eventually I did. I turned to Beth, and apologized. “Sorry, I’m not usually this emotional.”

 

“Don’t be sorry honey, everyone cries when they’re in pain. Holding it inside is the worst thing you can do.” Beth said sympathetically

 

“I do think that you’ve had enough for today Jessica, but I think it would do you some good to join a group that deals in emotional and physical abuse.   There is one here in the hospital that meets on Mondays.   I think being around other people that have been through what you have can help you. Would you be interested in attending?” Beth said with a smile

 

“I guess so, but I don’t think that I’m really able to talk about what happened in front of everyone, Beth.”

 

“You don’t have to talk, just listen to what they have to say. I think you’ll find it helpful and maybe make a few friends that understand what you are going through.” Beth suggested.

 

“Alright, I’ll go, Beth.” I promised, feeling very nervous.

 

“I’ll give them a call and let them know that you’re coming. The meeting is at 2pm, can you make it?” asked Beth

 

“Yes I have no plans, I’ll be there.”

 

“Alright Jessica, I want to see you once a week for now, but if anything comes up in between, you can always call and I will try to squeeze you in.” She said with a smile.

 

“Thanks Beth, I feel like crap, but I know it helps being able to talk about it.”

 

“Be patient, honey, it will get better. You’ve been through quiet a bit and it’s the emotional scars that take the longest to heal.”

 

 

[-][+][-]

 

 

Chapter 48

 

 

After making an appointment for next week, I spent almost 10 minutes in the bathroom. I looked like a bloody raccoon, my mascara had been running like crazy and using the tissue only managed to spread it out.

 

“Reminder to self, buy waterproof next time.” After cleaning up, I redid my makeup. I then made my way outside the hospital, and took a walk. I needed to clear my mind some. It had been a rough session with Beth, but I really did believe that seeing her was important.

 

I made my way over to Starbucks and ordered a coffee, then found a quiet place to sit and tried not to think about my session with Beth. The last thing I needed to do was breakdown crying again. I took my phone out of my purse and notice there were two messages, one from Amy, which was a response to the one I sent her earlier saying she would love to get together on the weekend and the other one was from Scotty. I smiled as I read that one.

 

Sttng in histry bored 2 Deth rather be thnkng of future wth U, miss U hope 2 C U @   game

 

Reading his text brought a smile to my face and I sent a reply.

 

U R rlly sweet   ben hvng   ruff dA, Cing UR txt makes big smile.   I miss U more. will take   cab aftr mting, but need U to take me home

 

  I hit the send button, and a few minutes later I got a response back from Scotty.

 

No prob, but mting guys @ Gllgr’s ftr game

 

I sent a replay back

 

Fine w me, room 4 Megan / Jennifer ?

 

I said hitting the send button.

 

A few minutes later I got another message from him,

 

Ys hon lots . Got 2 go f Tch C txt   will take phone, C U @ game

 

I sent a quick reply.

 

C U

 

 

I thought for a minute what it would be like to put a cell phone in a time capsule, so the people in the future could read the texts, and see what was the caused the total destruction of the writing language.  

 

I looked at the time it was already 1:45pm, so I had to get going, as it was I would likely just make it back in time.   I placed my phone back into my purse and picked up my coffee, then walked back to the hospital.

 

The walk took me a little longer then I had expected and I arrived 5 minutes late. It was all women, which made me feel a little better and we were sitting in a circle. There were a few chairs still empty, in case there were more people to come.   Everyone seemed friendly and welcomed me. Once the meeting started, everyone went around the circle introducing them self and when my turn came I said Hi and told them my name. After the introductions were finished, the meeting started.

 

 

[-][+][-]

 

 

As the first woman started, she talked about being in an abusive relationship where her husband was a heavy drinker and would take his anger out on her when he came home and things didn’t go the way he wanted. I was really starting to get into what she was saying and there was a part of me that understood because I knew what it was like, it had also happened to me.  

 

It was at that point though that my concentration was broking. Three women had entered the room. The third one bothered me the most. It was my mother.  

 

The two of us locked eyes on one another, mom looked shocked to see me but I felt nothing but anger toward her. I looked over at the one that had been talking and said sorry, “I liked what you said but I can’t stay, not if that bitch is going to be here.”, I said coldly.

 

Mom looked shaking by the hatred that I had for her. The woman that had been running the meeting stood up; maybe you should go Jessica if you are going to talk like that, she has every right to be here. I looked at the woman, was angry, and totally lost it.  

 

“That woman is my mother, and the reason I was abused, and that bitch did nothing, she just let it happen and you are telling me to leave.” I said clenching my fists in anger. Everyone was staring at Mom and I, not really knowing what to say, I really do not think that they ever had anything like this happen before. Nevertheless, the woman that was running the meeting still had to have some kind of order in the room. It was Mom that spoke next, what she said surprised the hell out of me. I thought she was going to out me but she didn’t.

 

Mom looked at me and took a deep breath, “Let her speak, everything she saying is true, I let it all happened. I married a monster, he was very abusive towards her, and I should have stopped him, and taken her out of the home. I know it doesn’t change anything, but I am sorry and if I could honey I would take back everything that I did to you.

 

“It’s way too late for that Mom, but I would like to know how you could let dad hurt me like he did.” I said frowning, and took a seat before falling. I was emotionally exhausted.

 

Mom looked over at the woman running the meeting, “Is it alright if I speak, she will never forgive me but she deserves to know the truth.”

 

The woman nodded, I think mostly because she wanted to know the truth herself.

 

Mom looked over at me, “I didn’t expect to have to talk this soon, but I’ve been sick for along time. Your grandfather abused me, he used to come into my room at night, he did bad things to me, and like your father, he was a heavy drinker. He hurt me bad and I never recovered.

 

This went on for years and I had no one to turn to. I was always afraid. He used to tell me that if I told anyone, no one would believe me. I tried talking to your grandmother about what was happening, but she was no help. She didn’t believe me and I had no one then. not even your aunt Janet. She ran away because your grandfather abused her also.   The only difference between your aunt and me is she got help and I buried what happened in the past and pretended it never happened.   I used to say I would never be like my parents and I would protect my kids but somehow along the way I turned into your grandmother.” Mom said crying. “…God, I am so sorry baby.”

 

I sat there, shocked at what Mom said. It didn’t make what she did right, but I could understand for the first time why my mom was so screwed up. She was just as much a victim as I was.   I wondered for years why I had never seen my grandparents, and I knew the reason why now. My grand parents were monsters just like my father. I looked over at Mom, there was this part of me that felt sorry for her and what she had been through. It couldn’t have been easy for her. I could see now that she was in just as much pain as I was.

 

I looked over at Mom, “I am sorry for what granddad did to you, but it doesn’t make what you did right. You choose to marry dad, you knew he was abusive and it was your responsibility to protect me. I might be able to forgive you someday for what happened but I can never forget, I will have to carry those scars for the rest of my life just like you have to carry yours, Mom.”

 

Mom looked at me. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, not after everything that has happened, but I want you to understand something, your secret is safe. I am done with your father; he will never know that I’ve seen you. Just promise me one thing, have a happy life, and continue getting help, don’t follow my example. Holding everything inside will only destroy you and hurt everyone you love.”

 

I looked over at Mom.

 

“I promise.” I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes. I stayed for the rest of the meeting and listened but had a hard time concentrating. After the meeting was over, Mom came over to me and asked if she could talk to me alone before I left.

 

I nodded and the two of us went to the back of the room were we could talk alone. Mom looked at me. “I saw you outside, the day that I was admitted. You were outside sitting with a friend. When I saw you of course, you looked different but you were happy, that was the first time that I saw the real you.   I saw a beautiful young woman, not the son that I thought that I had.”

 

I looked over at her. “My name is Jessica now, and I was always a girl. Mom, do you remember me complaining about those nasty cramps that I was having? They weren’t cramps, Mom, they were the start of my periods.

 

When you saw me outside that day, it was because I was brought into emergency and when the doctors did the x-rays, they found out I had a rare medical condition that made me look like a boy.   That was why I could never please Dad. I was a girl all along, it was impossible to be what he wanted me to be.”

 

Mom looked at me, amazed.“I should have listened to you.”

 

I turned to Mom. “There were so many things you should have done Mom, but I am too emotionally drained right now to fight anymore.”

 

“I am too, Jessica. As soon as I get back to my room, I think that I will end up sleeping the rest of the day.” Mom said

 

“What are you doing here anyway?” I asked.

 

“I was going completely crazy, Jessica. I went to stay with your Aunt Janet, and ended up cutting myself. She dragged me here, she thought I was suicidal.”

 

“Were you really thinking of killing yourself”, I asked

 

Mom turned to me, crying. “Yes, I was completely lost and your suicide attempt was the start of it. At first, I blamed you for what happened, because the police were involved and your father and I were going to end up in jail. Then he left and I haven’t seen or heard a word from him since he left. I think you need to be careful Jessica; your father is planning something. He’s crazy and he won’t listen to the truth. I’m willing to accept going to jail for what I did, Jessica, but he’s not.

 

“Thanks Mom, I will talk to the police, but I better get going, I have to meet my boyfriend later. I am not making any promises but if you continue to get help then maybe we can have a relationship, but just so you know, I‘m being adopted by a family that loves and accepts me.”

 

Mom looked over at me. “If this is what you want, then I’m happy for you Jessica, but you should know one thing. I’ve always loved you, even though I never really showed it. I was just too caught up in my own pain to really express how I truly felted inside.”

 

“I love you too, Mom, I always have, even with everything that has happened”, I said, then reached out and I gave her a hug. “Take care, Mom, get better.”