Andrew’s Dilemma

Part 16

By, Cain129

Special Thanks to Wren Phoenix for the editing.

Synopsis:   After spending the last four days in the hospital, I was finally released. I was ready to face whatever life was going to throw at me. Thanks to Anthony and Janice, I was also ready to stop playing the victim, and stand up to my birth parents. It would be hard, and also scary, but I needed closure on that part of my life.

They say you can forgive anyone, but the truth is, you can never really forget. I could forgive my birth parents for the crap that they put me through, but some scars run too deep, especially the emotional ones.

Chapter 36

After being released from the hospital, I asked Mom to take me to the hair salon. A few hours later, I found myself sitting in a chair, having my hair done. I had picked the style out of a book, with the help of my mother and Dianne, the lady that was doing my hair. I had also decided on changing the color. For the next hour, Dianne was washing, cutting and styling my hair. I was pretty excited, and couldn’t wait to see the end result! While I waited under the dryer, a woman came over and started doing my nails. This was a whole new experience for me, and I was really enjoying myself. By the time she was done, I was sporting some new acrylic nails that were a light shade of red on my hands and feet.

It was really the first time that I’d had long nails, let alone having them painted.   They looked really cool, and I just hoped they wouldn’t get all messed up when I played guitar. I guess there are plenty of women musicians out there, and they could play having longer nails. If they could do it, there was no reason that I couldn’t.   After my hair was dried, Dianne spent about ten minutes playing with it. Then she took a few minute to remove my makeup, and proceeded to redo it properly. She explained what she was doing as she did my makeup, so I could do it myself next time. I really doubted that I would ever have the gift that she did when it came to doing makeup. Still, I listened to everything she said and would try my best to recreate it later.

When Dianne finished, I had a chance to see what I looked like. I was pretty much blown away by the job that Dianne had done. I loved the way that I looked, the hair style was perfect and I now had jet black hair.

It would take awhile for me to get used to it, but it really made a big difference. She had done a great job on my makeup, and I could see the results turning a few heads, but in a good way.

“Thanks, Dianne, I love everything you did. Its hard to believe that is really me.”

Dianne smiled. “Honey, everything was already there, all I had to do was draw it out.”

“Thanks Dianne, the next time I need something done, I’ll be asking for you,” I promised, smiling.

“That’s great Jessica, call me anytime, I would love to have you.” Dianne said with a big smile.

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After Mom paid the bill, we said goodbye to Dianne, then the two of us were on our way. As we made our way to Mom’s car, she smiled.

“You look beautiful honey. Dianne was right about you, Honey. You are way too beautiful to have ever been a boy.”

“Thanks, Mom. Seeing myself now, it’s hard to believe that I was ever Andrew.”

“That’s because you never really were Andrew, honey; this is the real you, baby. It always has been, and Jessica is here to stay!” Mom said, as she put her arm around me.

During the ride home, I found that I was thinking a lot about everything. I had taken my first steps at taking back my own life. It was not going to be an easy road for me, but I knew for the first time in my life that I was doing the right thing.

Janice looked over at me. “What’s going on, honey?”

“I guess I’m just thinking about how much things have changed within the last month. It’s really pretty hard to believe.”

“Well, it’s a little too late to be changing your mind now, honey.” Janice said, giggling.

“Yeah, I guess there is no turning back now!” I said, not that I would change a thing. I had everything a girl needed to be happy now.

“Mom, I called Mason, and I am pressing charges against my parents.”

“When did you do that, honey?” asked Mom.

“I called yesterday, and he came and took my statement. It’s the only way that I will be able to move on.”

“I do wish that you had talked to me first, honey. I understand that this is something you feel you have to do, and I’m proud of you.” Janice said as she reached out and squeezed my hand.

“When Anthony gets home tonight, I’ll have him call Bill. We need to get you prepared to go to court, and Bill would be the best person to help you when it comes to what might happen in court.” Janice said.

“You’re right Mom, I’m sorry; I should have talked to you first. I guess when I made up my mind I didn’t want to wait. I was afraid that I might have lost my nerve, and not gone through with it. Now that it’s over with, I am committed to finishing this.”     I said, sighing sadly.

“I know this is hard for you, Jessica. They’re your parents, and there will always be a part of you that loves them! But they had no right to put you through that hell. Sometimes it feels like you need to get some justice, and in a situation like this, it means going to count and exposing them. At least this way they have to take responsibility for their actions.” Mom said sympathetically.

I thought about what she’d said. It was true that I did love my parents, and I wished more than anything that it could have been different. The truth was that they didn’t really love me, at least, not in the way a mother or father should love their child. They were incapable of being supportive and providing the kind of care that I needed. Janice and Anthony had accepted me, even before they had known the truth about me, and they gave me something that no one, not even my parents, had ever given me before.   They loved me, even though I was kind of messed up.

When it came to my real parents, I felt that they neither loved nor nurtured me because I didn’t live up to their expectations. I suspect that even if I had it wouldn’t have charge anything. Our home had never been a warm, stable or loving environment, not like it is living with Janice, Anthony and Megan. Since I became a part of their family, I am no longer afraid, because I know that whatever happens, I’m no longer alone. There is no need to hold the pain inside anymore, because it’s all right to share and talk about it. Thinking about that made me look over at my mom.

“I love you, Mom.” I said, as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“I love you too, baby!” Mom said with a smile. She reached over and gave my hand a squeeze.

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After arriving home, Mom and I made up some chicken salad sandwiches for lunch. We were both pretty hungry, and we hadn’t had time to have a decent meal, between shopping and going to the Salon. After the two of us ate, I did up the dishes because mom had a few calls that she needed to make. I finished up, then went into the living room and laid down on the couch. I turned on the TV and started channel surfing, trying to find something worth watching.

There really wasn’t much to watch, other than soaps and   talk shows.   Neither really appealed to me, and I eventually just turned it to CMT and watched music videos. I was glad to be home, and as I listened to the music, it really wasn’t very long before I drifted off to sleep.

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Chapter 37

Meanwhile back at the hospital, Sarah found herself pretty much on lockdown and wondering if she had made a mistake. The staff was pretty nice for the most part and they really only bothered her when it was time for her take her medicine. She just hoped that they would only hold her for a few days and send her home. If not, they might try to keep her in the hospital longer. The worst part of being admitted to this ward was that Sarah couldn’t just leave without approval from a nurse or doctor, even if it was just a walk, outside or to the cafeteria.   This would make it harder for her to find Andrew. She was sure that the teenage girl she had seen was Andrew. After all, she had given birth to the child, and she felt that she should be able to recognize her own child.

The one question that bothered her, more than anything else, was why the hospital would allow Andrew to be dressed like a girl. She knew that he was a boy, because she was the one that changed his diapers and bathed him. There was no doubt in her mind about it. She couldn’t help but see that the girl had this glow to her that was just not there when it came to her son. She would somehow find Andrew, and when she did, maybe she would have the answers. For the moment, though, she had to deal with the hospital staff. She wanted to find a way to get off the ward, and if she had to play their games she would. Whatever it took, if it meant she would have the freedom she needed.

Sarah made her way over to the window and looked outside. There was no sign of the child today. As she stood there she thought about her life. For most of her adult life she had buried everything that had happened. Now, though, everything was starting to fall apart and she no longer had the same control over her emotions that she once had. It was at that moment that she heard someone calling her name. When she turned around she saw that it was Dr. Robbins.

“Sorry, I guess that I was kind of lost in thought, Dr. Robbins.” Sarah said as she took a seat on her bed.

Dr. Robbins took a seat across from her, “Do you want to take about it?”

“Not really, I guess that I am just overwhelmed with everything.” Sarah said as she started crying. “I never wanted to be here, doctor. I just came in for a cut, not to be admitted.”

“I’m sorry, but everything that your sister told me about your past and recent events tells me that you are walking a very fine and dangerous line. She is afraid you might try taking your own life, and to be honest, I have similar concerns, Sarah. It’s my job to take care of you and sometimes I have no choice but to admit someone, even if they don’t want to be admitted. I have a responsibility as a doctor to cause no harm and letting a patient go home that may be suicidal is something that I can’t do. I want you to understand that as your doctor, my primary concern is you, not your husband or son.”

Sarah looked over at Dr. Robbins. “I don’t think anyone can help me and if I was to be honest with you I wouldn’t even know where to start. “

Dr. Robbins looked at her. “Maybe the best place to start is the beginning, Sarah?”

Sarah was scared to open up to anyone, but deep down there was a part of her that truly needed to open up, and she decided that she had nothing left to lose.

Sarah looked at Dr. Robbins.”It’s not easy for me to talk about myself. I’ve always been this way, and the only ones that I can blame are my parents. My mother was never really there for me. My father, well, he spent most of his time after work drinking with his friends, and when he would come home at first, he would sneak into Janet’s room. I remember hearing her crying late at night.   One day I came home from school and she was gone. I was too young at the time to understand why she had left, but shortly after she left, it was my room that he was sneaking into.

At first he would just hold me close, maybe kiss or touch me. He used to say that he loved me whenever he was with me. Eventually he did more with me besides just the hugging and kissing, and he made me do things to him.”

“What did he have you do Sarah?” asked Dr. Robbins

“At first it was just oral sex, but later it became much more,” She said wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Did you ever talk to your mother about what was happening Sarah?”

“I tried to, numerous times, but she refused to listen to me.” Sarah said crying.

‘How did that make you feel Sarah?” asked Dr. Robbins

“I felt worthless, unloved and unwanted by my own mother.” Sarah said crying, “At least with my father I felt wanted and loved, even if what the two of us were doing was wrong.”

“So I take it your home was not a very happy place for you, with everything that was happening there. What about school?” asked Dr. Robbins

“I had a few friends that I used to talk with, but there was really no one that I trusted or could turn to for help.   I guess that I was also afraid of ending up in an orphanage if I told anyone, and like dad used to say, they wouldn’t believe me anyway.

“So when did you leave home, Sarah?”

“I left home shortly after my 18^th birthday, and shortly after that I met Jake. A year later the two of us married, and then Andrew came along”

“So tell me about your relationship with Jake?” asked Dr. Robbins

“Jake was a good man back then, but he liked to drink a little more then he should.”

“Was he even abusive with you mentally or physically Sarah?”

“Jake never hit me, but from time to time he would get angry and say things that he shouldn’t have but he always apologized to me once he calmed down.”

“What was the main reason for most of the fighting between Jake and yourself?” asked Dr. Robbins

  Sarah sighed.“I guess mostly it was about our son, Andrew.”

“When it comes to your son, what was it about him that used to make the two of you fight?” Dr. Robbins asked, frowning.

“Andrew wasn’t really what either of us expected; we were told that we were having a daughter, but instead, I had a boy. Jake was really happy, at the idea of having a little boy he could do things with, you know, the whole father and son thing. Andrew wasn’t like most boys; there was something wrong with the child from the start. When Jake used to get made at Andrew, he would say that he should have had a daughter instead of a sissy for a son. It might have been cruel, but he was right. Andrew was more girl then boy, right from the start.

“How did it make you feel, having a sissy, as your husband would say?”

“I loved Andrew, but there was nothing I could do for him. Jake tried everything he could think of to help the child, but nothing worked. I guess rather then fight with Jake over Andrew, I kind of just let him deal with things.”

“Did you ever take Andrew to see a doctor that specialized in gender issues, Sarah?”

“Jake wouldn’t have anything to do with it, and I can’t blame him, we both wanted a normal son, not a boy dressed in girl’s clothes.” Sarah said sadly.

Dr. Robbins looked over at Sarah, “You might not realize it, Sarah, but there are conditions where a child is born one gender, in Andrew’s case male, but the brain chemistry isn’t male but female. If this is the case with your son, there is absolutely nothing you or your husband could have done to change him. It would be like trying to change an apple into an orange it’s impossible. The only way you would have known for sure about Andrew was if he was taken to a specialist, which neither you or your husband were willing to do.

“If I understand you right, Dr. Robbins, you’re saying that Andrew might actually be a girl inside?” Sarah said rather shocked.

“I can’t answer that question for you Sarah, you’re son needs to see a specialist that deals with that sort of condition, but if he is, there really is only one treatment that works, his mind and body would have to come into balance. In other words he is already a genetic female mentally; he would just need to have the surgery to become one physically.”

Sarah sat there in shock. If Dr. Robbins was correct, she’d had a daughter all along and was too blind to see the truth. Had she listened to her child, maybe they would still be a family.   Sarah had known Andrew had been wearing her clothes at least a few times, and felt sick thinking that he had been doing something in them. She had kept it to herself, because she knew that Jake would completely lose control and likely put Andrew in the hospital. She’d kept her mouth shut and never said anything, but now she knew that if she had told Jake about Andrew there would have been nothing he could have done to change Andrew other then hurt him.

Dr. Robbins looked over at Sarah, “I think that we have done enough for today, but I’d like you to try something. Maybe it will help you understand your son better. I want you to look at your life and experiences, and think about Andrew. I am betting that the two of you have a lot in common, Sarah.”

“All right, Dr. Robbins. When will I be seeing you again?” asked Sarah.

“I’ll be in tomorrow afternoon, and the two of us will have another talk.”

“Dr. Robbins, thanks. I have to admit that I feel better now.” Sarah said.

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It was around 3 pm when I turned off the television and made my way outside and took a seat on the steps. I don’t know why I was even thinking it, but I was starting to think about returning to school. It had been over a month now since I last attended school. If I’d had any friends, then I am sure that I would have missed them. I guess that things were different now, and there was a part of me that wanted to reach out to other people.

I was scared of being hurt again, but I knew that it was time that I started making a life for myself and did my own thing. But what was my own thing? For so long everything that I had done was to please my parents, and now they were not part of my life anymore. I could choose what I thought was right for me. I had my new family, and I knew whatever I chose to do, they would be there to support me.

I guess that I just needed to figure out the million dollar question. “Who was Jessica Dawn Tanner?” Seems like an easy question to answer, but not when you spent the last 16 years of your life going by the name “Andrew Roberts.”

Something told me that those questions would be answered in the next few months, with the help of the doctor that Janice arranged for me to see. Still, in the end it would be up to me to choose, and to be honest it felt nice only having to worry about myself and not what other people would think. I guess deep down, I knew that my life would never be the same. The emotional pain that had been following me most of my life was finally gone.

I no longer feared life as I used to, and most importantly I was looking forward to the future, something I never used to pay much attention to. I guess when you are crippled with thoughts of suicide, the only future you can see is a painful one. But like my sister Amy, I’m now a survivor, and I’ve learned that there is always hope, even when I can’t see it. So whatever the future had in store I would deal with it a day at a time, and be the person that I was meant to be.

It was at that moment that I saw Megan and Jennifer turning the corner. When they saw me sitting on the step, it wasn’t very long before the three of us were have a group hug. It felt great to be home with the people that I loved, and for the rest of the night we were one big happy family.

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“Had I known what the future had in store for us, I would have run away as far as I could, but for the moment, I would rather stay in the present.”

End of Part 16

To be continued in part 17