Synopsis:  Jessica starts to settle into her new life with the Tanners, but finds the adjustment difficult. Life with the Tanners is completely different then anything that Jessica has experienced before and as Jessica tries to find her place in this new world, she is haunted by the past and afraid of what the future holds.

 

There is a saying in hamlet that says “”To thine own self be true”. I’ve never really paid much attention to those words but these days it seems to make a lot more sense to me. All of my life I’ve been pretending to be someone that I’m not. I’ve spent vast amounts of time and energy creating and maintaining Andrew, but have come to the realization that the more that I tried to become what everyone wanted of me, the more at odds I became with the real me.

It has been a couple days now since I came to live with the Tanners and embraced who I really was inside, but to say that it has been easy would be an understatement. It is never easy putting the past behind you and trying to move forward into an unseen future.

In an ideal world everyone would be accepted for whom they were and diversity would be a good thing, but that world doesn’t really exist. Our world is one where sociality dictates what is considered normal, and those like me fall outside what is considered the norm. We hide in the fringes of society, feeling alone and unloved by those around us. They say things like “If you do as I ask, I’ll love you.” Is that real love? Isn’t it really just a form of control that pulls at our emotional strings?

I am sitting here in my room wondering what next, where do I go from here. The worst part of doing something stupid is living with the consequences of your actions. When you look into someone’s eyes and wonder, do they know what I did? Are they talking about me?  Shame is a terrible thing to carry around with you. Look at the people that care for you and what you put them through at the time. You think that you’re the only person that you are hurting, but that is insanity. You become blind to everything around you except your own pain. If you are lucky like I was, you survive and realize that what you have done to the ones that cared about you.

End of Journal entry

After having a quick bath, I slowly got dressed. Not having many choices at the moment, I chose the blue sundress that I’d borrowed from Megan. It would have to do for now. There were so many things that I was going to need for my new life, most of all clothes! I lost everything that I’d owned, not that I really wanted any of it anyways. Everything that I’d owned was for a boy, and I was going to start living as a girl. That meant that I was going to need a lot more in my wardrobe.

After I brushed my hair, I made my way to the kitchen and found Janice busy getting breakfast ready. She smiled when she saw me.

“Good morning Jessica, breakfast will be ready in a bit,” Janice said smiling.

“Need any help?”

“No sweetie, but could you get Megan up?”

“Alight Janice,” I said, and headed for Megan’s room.

Megan’s room was on the second floor across from her parents, so I tried to be really quiet. Not wanting to wake up Anthony, I made it to Megan’s room and gave a few light taps. There was no response, so I opened the door and made my way inside. I approached Megan’s bed and gave her shoulder a gentle shake.

“Time to wake up, Megan.”

“Just a few minutes, Mom.” She replied.

Clearly, she was still asleep.  So I did the only thing that a girl could do at the moment. I jumped up on the bed and shook her, while at the same time telling her to wake up. Before I knew it, she was firing one pillow after another at me as I ran giggling out of the room.

When I made it to the kitchen, I smiled innocently and told Janice she would be right down. I was right; a few minutes later she came into the kitchen and gave me a swat to the back of the head, which had us both giggling. Feigning innocence, I smiled.

“Now, what was that for?” I asked, playing little miss innocent.

She gave me a toothy smile and said, “Oh, youknow exactly why, missy!”

“All right girls, behave yourselves.” Janice said with a big smile and she placed plates of eggs and bacon in front of Megan and I, then joined us at the table with a plate of her own.

Janice looked over at me. “We really need to get you sorted for clothes, Jessica. Do you feel up to doing some shopping later?”

I looked over at Janice, “I guess I’m a little scared. I’ve never been out dressed as Jessica, what if someone recognizes me?”

“There’s always that risk, honey.” Janice smiled. “To be honest, at the moment you look nothing like Andrew, and you had no trouble fooling Anthony last night.”

I thought about what Janice had said. It was true, Anthony hadn’t known who I was, and all I was wearing was a sundress and a little make up. Maybe I could pull it off. If I was going to be living full time as a girl, then I’d have to leave the house sooner or later. It might as well be today, I thought.

Megan looked over at me. “Don’t worry I’ll be with you, and so will Jennifer, if Mom doesn’t mind her coming along.”

Janice looked over at her daughter. “Sure, honey. It’ll be a ladies day out.”

I looked over at the both of them, “All right, I’ll go, but I reserve the right to be a little scared.”

“Don’t worry, honey. If at anytime it feels too much for you to handle, you just tell me andwe’ll leave.” Janice promised with a smile.

Knowing that I had all the control on whether we stayed or came home made me feel a lot more comfortable. A little while later, we pulled into the parking lot at the Westgate Mall. I was scared to death, but with Megan on one side of me and Jennifer on the other, while Janice covered the rear, there was only one direction left for me to go. That was through the entrance of the mall.

As we walked through the mall, it felt like everyone was watching me and knew my secret, so I was already memorizing the fastest route back to Janice’s car.

“Relax, Jessica! You’re doing fine!” Megan said with a smile.

“I am so nervous. Megan.” I said in a whisper.

“You’re doing great,” Jennifer insisted, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

The first stop we made was the Walmart, where I found myself modeling numerous dresses, jeans and blouses. Janice handed me a black skirt and white blouse and told me to try it on. I soon found myself waiting in line to use the changing room. As I waited, Megan and Jennifer were both busy picking out outfits of their own for me to model.

I felt really nervous, but I kept telling myself that I could do this. Eventually my turn came and I made my way inside. Locking the door behind me, I tried on my first outfit. It was the one that Janice had picked out for me. The blouse fit me really well, but I found the black skirt a little tight. When I came out, the girls had me move around a little so they could see how it looked.

“What do you think, Jessica?” Janice asked as she looked me over.

“I like it, but I think the skirt’s a little too tight, Janice.”

Janice looked at it, carefully.“I think that’s just the style, honey.”

I thought to myself that it must have been designed for a boy, because boys had different curves then girls do and it fit me like a glove. They must have made a mistake when the made the skirt because there was no way that I had the same curves as a girl. I sighed. No matter how much I wanted to have the body of a girl, the reality is that I am a boy under these clothes..

The next stop was the lingerie section. I found myself starting to relax a bit and actually started having a good time. The three of us shopped for another hour, hitting the different stores and eventually ended up outside the salon. Jennifer noticed the sign said, “Free ear piercing.” It was one of those deals if you bought something for a certain price they pierced your ears for you. I soon found myself inside, having my ears pierced. When I walked out, I had two diamond studs in each lobe.

Janice had also bought me some makeup, after she and the beautician decided what my skin tone was. Both Megan and Jennifer wanted me to get my hair done but I really wasn’t ready for that yet. I didn’t know what the future held and if I had to put on the Andrew mask again, I wanted to be able to do it without having to explain my hair. Lots of boys have both ears pierced these days, so that wouldn’t really be an issue.

After awhile, Janice said she had a few places that she needed to go, and gave Megan some money. She said that she would meet the three of us in the food court. We headed over to the food court and hit McDonald’s. After we had our food we headed over to the seating area and found a free table.

“How are you doing?” Asked Megan.

“All right, I guess. I still find myself wondering if anyone knows.”

“You have nothing to worry about Jessica. You look, move and talk like a girl and believe me if anyone is looking, all they are seeing is a beautiful teenage girl.” Jennifer said with a smile.

As the three of us were talking and enjoying our meal, I saw Gerry, Daniel and Scotty walking into the food court. As soon as I saw them, I could feel my heart start beating really fast.

Megan looked at me, worriedly. “What’s wrong, Jessica?”

Then she looked over and saw what had spooked me.

“Relax, Jessica! They don’t know who you are, and if they do come over, we’ll just tell them you’re my cousin, and you are just visiting.” Megan reassured me with a smile.

“Are you sure they won’t recognize me?” I said, a little afraid.

I found myself looking over that way. I just couldn’t help myself; it was Scotty, after all. I’d had a crush on him for what felt like ages.

“Jessica, stop staring, they’re going to come over.” Jennifer said in a way that the boys wouldn’t see her.

I looked over at Jennifer. “I’m sorry, guess that I’m just a little bit nervous.”

I tried not to, but I kept finding myself looking over every now and then. All of a sudden, as I was sneaking a look over at him, he turned his head and saw me checking him out. To my surprise, he smiled back at me. Then he turned to one of is friends, and pointed over our way.

Megan looked over at me. “Oh, you’ve done it now!”

The three guys started walking over towards our table. I could feel the butterflies going wild inside my tummy the closer that Scotty got to our table. When they finally arrived, Scotty looked over at me, then Megan and Jennifer.

“Hi Megan, Jennifer.” He nodded, and then he turned to me and smiled. “Hi I’m Scotty. You must be new, because I never forget a pretty face.”

I thought to myself, Wow, what an original line!  The way he said it still had me blushing, though. When I was finally able to speak, I smiled nervously.

“I’m Jessica; it’s nice to meet you Scotty.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, Jessica.” he said sweetly then turned to and introduced his friends Gerry and Daniel. I said hi to the both of them, but found that I was having trouble concentrating. Scotty turned to Megan and Jennifer, and then asked if we minded them joining us. Megan looked over at me to see if I was all right. She just shook her head and the guys joined us. Scotty took a seat next to me.

Scotty turned to me, “So, where are you from Jessica?  

I really wasn’t used to this kind of attention. I did my best not to look like a total freak, and told him I was just visiting here from Calgary, and that I hadn’t really been here very long.

“You’ll like it here; the people are pretty cool for the most part. If you ever need a guide, I would love to show you around.” Scotty said with a smile.

Wow, I thought to myself, that was fast, he barely even knows me and he is already making a move. I looked over at him, wanting to accept his offer. I was still scared, though, and I think that Megan could tell I was getting in over my head. She calmly came to the rescue.

“That might be hard, Scotty. Jessica’s just visiting and her parents don’t really like her dating.”

Scotty turned to me. “It doesn’t have to be a date; I am just showing a friend around town, that’s all.”

I looked over at him then Megan who just shrugged her shoulders.

I looked over at Scotty. God, why did he have to be so cute!  “I really don’t know how long my parents are planning on staying, but I guess that I could give you a call if I am free sometime.”

Scotty smiled, then reached over and picked up my receipt. He wrote his name and number down on it.

“I really hope that you can find the time. Jessica.” he said making a sad puppy dog face.

I smiled, “We’ll see, Scotty.”

Scotty looked over at Megan, “You guys have plans for next weekend?”

Megan looked over. “No, why?”

“The band is playing at the Bronx next Saturday. If you’re not doing anything, you should all come. We just got a new lead singer and she is really good.”

Megan looked at Jennifer. “What do you think?”

She smiled. “Maybe we’ll see you there!”

Scotty looked over at me and smiled. “I hope to see you there, Jessica.”

It was about that time that I saw Janice coming. Thank God, I thought with relief, the stress was going to kill me!

When she reached the table, she smiled. “Hello! Ready to get going girls?”

We nodded, said our goodbyes to the guys and were on our way.

“God, I’m so glad that is over!” I said, leaning back against the car seat. Megan smiled.

“I think that Jessica has a crush on Scotty.” Megan said with a giggle.”

I looked over at Megan. “No, I do not have a crush on Scotty.” I didn’t even believe me.

“Sure Jessica.” Jennifer giggled loudly.

“All right, girls. That’s enough, leave Jessica alone. If she likes Scotty that’s her business,” Janice shook her head. God, it’s like I have another daughter! Janice thought to herself. She put the car in drive and left the parking lot.

I thought to myself, it would really be cool if I could date Scotty, but it wasn’t a good idea. I wasn’t a real girl and it wasn’t fair to Scotty, even if we did like one another. He wants a girl friend, not a freak like me.

Jake woke to the sound of his phone going off. It was his wife calling. Since he had decided to run, he hadn’t taken her calls. He was paranoid that the Cops were listening and would be tracing her calls. So he hit the busy button and set the phone down on the table.

It was the middle of the afternoon, and he had one hell of a headache, He looked over and found that James had already left. For the moment, he had the place to himself. That suited him fine he needed to get the place ready, but the first thing he needed was to a drink to clear the cobwebs out of his head.

Jake then picked up the bottle of whiskey and poured it into a glass. He drank it and poured another.  Then walked over to his bag and took out the battery powered drill and a latch, along with some screws. He installed the bracket, and then lined it up so that he could padlock the door from the outside.

After he finished up with the door, he moved to the windows and drilled a medal bracket that had bars running across then lifted up and placed the locking bracket in place and drilled the screws into place there was no way anyone was going to be able to exit the cabin though the windows. After he finished up he spent a few minutes testing the bars form both sides of the cabin and the bars held tight.

The last step was for him to secure the inside of the cabin, which he did by installing a deadbolt that required a key to open. Once Jake was sure that the cabin was ready, all that needed to be done was wait for the right moment and grab the boy, but he forgot that he was still waiting on Brian.

Sarah Roberts was a complete mess. It had been four days since she had last seen or heard from her husband. She had even contacted the police a few times, just to check if they were holding him. They knew nothing about his whereabouts, and the more that she thought about it, the angrier she became. It was all Andrew’s fault, and because of him, she was about to lose everything, even their home. She detested the idea of being destitute and having to depend of the charity of others, but if something didn’t happen by the end of the month, she would have no choice but to move in with her sister.

Word had already started getting around about what had happened. People were not stupid, they could piece together that more was going on than just a child’s suicide attempt. With the police hanging around the area, looking for Jake, people that they had considered friends started shying away from Sarah. They didn’t want any part of what was going on.

Sarah felt that her life was pretty much over in Burnaby. She figured that they would be looking for a fresh start somewhere, just her and Jake. As far as she was concerned, Andrew was the cause of all there hardships. They were better off without him. Once all this craziness was over, they would be leaving together. Sarah went back to her packing. Without Jakes help, it was going to be a big job.

It had been a lot of fun, for the most part. Once I got past the initial fear of being outside the house as a girl, and even though it had been stressful dealing with Scotty, it did manage to do one thing. I was no longer afraid to be seen in public. If Scotty saw me as a girl, one that he wanted to date, then I knew that everyone else would see the same thing. This gave me a new confidence.  

Once we made it home, Jennifer and Megan helped me sort and put everything away.  When we finished, we headed into the kitchen and grabbed a few cans of coke, then took a seat at the table. Janice came in carrying a bag and said, “Here Jessica, I picked these up for you at the mall, she then handed me the bag. Inside was a white box, which I opened and found two really expensive breast forms that were almost a perfect match to my skin.

“I ran over and gave Janice a big hug and kiss. “Thank you Janice these are perfect.”

“This type glues on, Jessica.  You can pretty much wear them with anything.” Janice said with a big smile, seeing how excited having them made me.

After we finished Janice told me to come with her and she would give me a hand putting them on. Once the two of us were alone, she told me to take off my shirt and bra, which really didn’t take me very long.  When she took the breast forms out of the box, she looked over at me.

“You may find them a little cold until they adjust to your body temperature.” She then ran her hand across my chest. “How often do you shave Andrew?

I looked over at her. “I have never had to shave at least not yet”

“That’s a bit surprising. Boys your age have usually started by now.”

“I really don’t mind Janice. It makes things easier.” I said with a smile.

“Maybe, honey, but its not really normal.” Janice said, frowning thoughtfully.

Janice started to attach the first breast form, but as she was pressing it against me, I winced in pain.

“Does that hurt you Jessica?” asked Janice.

“Just a little bit.” I said as I rubbed the area that was hurting.

Janice ran her hand over me and lightly pressed here and there then did the same to the other one.

“Jessica, how long has it been like this?”

I looked at he, nervously. “Maybe a couple of months, why? Is something wrong?”

“I really don’t want to worry you, but I think we need to get you in for a checkup.”

Janice then helped me glue the breast forms in place and once I was dressed I looked like I had grown my own real breasts.

After Janice and I were finished she said that she needed to make a few calls and I soon found myself upstairs with Jennifer and Megan. As soon as I was outside the door I could hear the two of them talking and when they saw me they quickly went  quiet. I looked at the both of them.

“Something tells me that whatever you are talking about concerns me.” I said with a frown.

I walked in and joined the two of them on the bed, Jennifer looked over at me.

“It’s just that we think Scotty likes you. You like Scotty, don’t you Jessica?”

“All right so I like Scotty.” I admitted. “It’s not like the two of us are going to get together and have babies or anything.”

“Well, there’s nothing really stopping you from dating him.” Megan said with a smile.

“Yes, there is, Megan, This thing between my legs would be a sure way to kill any romance between the two of us.”

“Not if you’re careful,” Jennifer said, smiling. “You plan on going for the operation, right?”

I looked over at her, “Yes, I plan on getting a sex change, but the most that’ll happen is that they’ll give me hormones for the next few years.”

Megan looked over at me. “Just because you’re not complete, it doesn’t mean that you can’t date. It just means you can’t go all the way with them and everything else is open game.”

I thought about what they were saying and guessed that they were right, I could still date someone but if they wanted more then what I could give them then I would have to break it off, who knows there might be someone out there willing to take things slow, but I would never know if I didn’t leave myself open to the idea.

It was around four o’clock when I noticed the time. I needed to make a call, so I went downstairs and found Janice in the kitchen.

“Janice, Amy asked me if I wanted to go to a movie tonight with her, is it alright?”

“Who is Amy, Jessica?” asked Janice

“She was my nurse at the hospital and well, she has been through a lot of the same things I have, and the two of us became friends.”

“All right Jessica, but I want to meet her first. What time is she coming?”

“Amy said she would pick me up around 6 pm, were going to grab something to eat and catch the 7 pm movie.”

“All right call her and tell her that you can go, but I want to meet her first, Jessica.”

“Thanks, Janice” I said with a smile.

 

Jake was sitting outside the cabin drinking a beer when his cell went off. He looked at the caller id, and he saw that it was Brian.

“Hi Brian, tell me you have some good news.”

“Yes Jake, but Vincent wants to talk to you first.”

“Be at Benny’s Steakhouse tomorrow at 3 pm and Jake, you’d better come sober.”