Andrew’s Dilemma

Part 3

By, Cain129

Synopsis:    Andrew is recovering from a failed suicide attempt, while in the hospital the truth starts to come forth of why he tried to take his own life. Andrew is not your normal teenager and doesn’t have the same problems as most kids his age. Andrew is a transsexual and also a victim of child abuse but there is hope thanks to the people that are in his life and a plan has been put into motion to help him but the question is will Andrew accept the help.

  

Chapter Four

Friends and Enemies

  

After spending the night locked up at the police station, Jake Roberts is finally released and allowed to go home. Once again he had found himself behind bars. It was a place that he had told himself that he would never return too. Sarah had been released hours ago and had taken the car.

  

Jake had no choice but to take a cab home, but home wasn’t the place that he was going. He hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to James’ Gate, which was a tavern that he spent most of his time at. After last night, he needed to have a drink to calm his nerves.

  

An hour after he had arrived and had a few beers in him, he was still fuming with anger toward Andrew. It was his fault. If he hadn’t tried to take his own life, none of this would have happened. The child was weak! Jake made up his mind, somehow he would find away to get to him, and keep him quiet. He was not going to jail. All he was trying to do was make a man out of his son, and what did he get for it?

  

Jake downed another bottle and ordered another one. He was not going home, anyway. The last thing he wanted to hear was his stupid wife saying ‘I told you so.’ Jake had other plans and it was better that Sarah didn’t know.

  

  

[-][+][-]

  

Megan was glad to be home from school, as she and Jennifer flopped down on Megan’s bed. It had been a rough day for the both of them. There were some kids at school that were really interested in Andrew’s condition, but then there were the others. They seemed me be more interested in bashing him, saying that only a coward would take their own life. It made both Jennifer and Megan sick. These people had their heads so far up there ass that with a light they could see their own tonsils.

  

Megan looked over at Jennifer, “You know when Andrew does go back to school it’s not going to be easy for him. The other kids will see to that.”

  

“It might best for Andrew if he changes schools.” Jennifer said sadly.

  

“You might be right, Jen. At least he would be starting with a clean slate.”

  

“Do you have any idea what we can do to help him Megan?” asked Jennifer,

  

“I really don’t know what to tell you Jennifer. The problem is that there was so much going on in his life that neither of us knew about. The only thing I have of his is his notebook and I took a look at it last night, I think it’s more of a journal then a notebook, but I didn’t feel that it would be right reading it. because it’s private.

  

“I guess that you’re right, Megan, but if we can us it to help him, then would it be sobad if we read it?” Jennifer asked as she frowned, thoughtfully.

  

Megan thought about it, then walked over to her knapsack and took it out and handed it over to Jennifer.   Jennifer opened it up, as Megan joined her on the bed and started reading from the date the journal began. Most of it was pretty much stuff the two of them already knew about. As they read through it, they both started to understand that frustration was a normal part of Andrew’s life.

  

The journal chronicled the years of mental and physical abused that Andrew suffered at the hands of his family, and the struggles that he had to deal with at school. The hardest part though, was when it came to the entries that he wrote about the friendship that he had shared with the both of them, and the effect that followed when they ended the friendship.

  

Andrew felt alone and abandoned, and blamed himself, If he was different then maybe the friendship wouldn’t have ended. He wished more then anything that he had been born a girl and hated everything about his life and even hated himself. Throughout the journal he spoke of ending his life and how many times that he had even planned it out.   Until recently, something had made him hold on, but whatever that reason was, it was gone now.   He had finally made an attempt to take his own life and given a chance, they were afraid that he would try again.

  

[-][+][-]

  

Jennifer closed the journal. She had tears in her eyes and when she looked over at Megan, she realized that she was not the only one that had been crying.   They both knew why Andrew had given up on life, under the same conditions it could have been either one of them.

  

Neither one knew what to say, they were both in shock. It was Jennifer that spoke up first. “Iwish that I never read that. It was better, not knowing.”

  

“I know Jennifer, it hurts me too, but we didn’t know it was that bad”Megan said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

  

“I guess we know what needs to be done now.” Jennifer said.

  

“Yeah, Jennifer we do.”  Megan agreed, and reached over to give her friend a hug.

  

”We’ll do it together.” Jennifer said returning the hug.

  

  

[-][+][-]

  

Chapter Five

Andrew awakens

God, my head hurts. I slowly open my eyes and everything is a blur, but slowly my eyes start to come into focus and I am able to see my surroundings and realize that I am in the hospital. I discover that I am strapped to the bed and unable to do anything.   The pain that I feel inside is still there, why couldn’t they just let me go? I don’t want to be here. I just can’t help it, I find myself crying like a baby and hating myself for not being stronger.

  

  

[-][+][-]

  

  

Sitting at the nursing station is Amy, as she is working, she notices activity on Andrew’s monitors and sees that he is awake and goes over to check on him.   When she gets closer to his room she hears the sound of his crying. As she enters, she can see he is struggling with his bindings, which for the most part was a waste of time. She knew very well that there was no way to get out of them without someone helping and that wasn’t going to happen yet.

  

“I see you’re awake finally.” Amy said, startling the boy as she enters the room.

  

“Hi Andrew, I am Amy and I am your nurse, Can I get you anything?”

                                                                                        

“You could take these off,” I said, referring to the restraints

  

“Sorry honey, I can’t do that until your doctor says it’s alright.”

“You know these are useless”,I said, angrily.“When I am out of here I will try again and next time I will get it right”

“Maybe you will, and maybe you won’t. Andrew, that is up to you.”

  

“You have no idea what it’s like for me! Why do you even care, nobody else does.”

  

“Maybe I don’t know what its like to be you, Andrew, but let me take a guess. Right now you are pissed off at yourself for being caught, and you took those pills because you were tired of everything. You hate yourself, because nothing seems to make you happy and you feel that no one understands you?   Am I getting close yet, or should I continue?”

I looked over at Amy, everything she said was exactly how I was felt inside.   It really pissed me off that she could read me so well, “How do you know all this?”

  

Amy looked over at me. “You are not the only one that has tried to taketheir own life, honey.”

She then unbuttoned the sleeves to her shirt and showed me her wrists. There were scars across both wrists.

  

I looked over at her wrists, surprised.” I guess you do know how I feel.”

“Maybe not everything, but enough that I can understand how you are feeling”, Amy said with a smile.

  

“I am not saying that what you went through wasn’t as bad, Amy. I am differentthan you are, and there is nothing anyone can do to make my life better.” I said in frustration.

  

“Andrew you don’t know that, things change and so can people. I did.” Amy said with a smile.

  

“It’s impossible. I have tried but nothing works and God, I am so tired of fighting everything and everyone. I just want to be at peace, I am so tired of hiding!” I said as my emotions started to take over. I couldn’t help but start crying.

  

Amy looked at me for a minute, I could see that she was thinking, “Andrew there is nothing wrong with being gay, if that is the problem. You just need to accept who you are and stop fighting it! Believe me, I understand! I fought for years, but all fighting ever did was cause me to do something stupid. After I embraced who I was, my life got better. The same can be true for you too, Andrew.”

  

I looked over at her, and couldn’t help but laugh “I’m sorry Amy, but I’m not gay. If that was the case, I could accept it and move on, but all you had to accept was the fact that you are attracted to the same sex.”

  

I thought about it for a minute then figured maybe if anyone would understand me, Amy could. I looked over at her. “Amy, the reason that I am here is that I wasborn a boy, and I guess I look like a boy, but inside I am a girl, and I always have been! The thought of spending my life stuck like this is unbearable.”

  

There, I said it finally,  I thought to myself and it actually felt good. It was like a weight was lifted.

  

Amy looked over at me and smiled, “Honey if you want to be a girl then there are things that you can do about it, and there is help available to you.”

  

“It’s impossible my parents would never agree”, I said sadly

  

“If your parents don’t agree, then to hell with them! Andrew, this is  your  life we’re talking about.”

  

“When I came out of the closet, my parents didn’t approve of me, either. They disowned me, because in their words. ‘I was a disgrace against God’s plan’. I know that there is a God, and no matter what they say, He loves me! He put the right people in my life when I needed them the most, otherwise I would be dead right now.   I think the same is true for you, Andrew.”

I thought about what she said, andshe was right. Maybe there was hope for me after all, but it was up to me to make the right choices. Up to now I had been trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations and only ended up hurting myself. Maybe it was time I stopped living for everyone else, and started living for myself.

  

“Listen Andrew I have to get going but I will drop back later if you want to continue our talk”, Amy said with a smile.

  

I looked over at Amy, “Thank Amy, I know that it’s not your job to talk to me like this.”

  

Andrew, let’s just keep what was said between there two of us, “I don’t mind talking about my life to you, but I really don’t want everyone knowing.” Amy said as she left.

  

Chapter Six

Actions and consequences

The hospital can be a lonely place for anyone, but when you are tied down to a bed there really isn’t much you can do, other than sleep or debate the meaning of life. As for myself I choose sleep, considering I probably still had some of the sleeping pills running through my system, it really didn’t give me much of a choice. The talk that I had with Amy had really helped. Up till now, I had been alone with my thoughts and afraid to voice what was really bothering me.

  

I don’t know how long that I had slept but I was awoken when a man in a white jacket came into my room. I was still half asleep so his entrance had scared me at first.   He had a chart in his hand as he approached my bed.

  

I assumed that he was my doctor. Once he was next to my bed, he smiled.

  

“Hi Andrew, I’m Dr. John Masters, and I’ll be your doctor while you are with us. You gave us all a good scare yesterday, how are you feeling this morning?”

  

“Tired, but alright I guess.”I said as he was looking in his chart

  

“I had a talk with Amy earlier, and she told me some things about you. I want you to understand that I am not here to judge you; my job is to take care of your medical needs. Since you are here already, I’d like you to talk to a doctor that I know, her job is to help people like yourself decide which path seems right to take. If it is your choice to become a girl, then she can help you achieve that. How do you feel about seeing her?”

  

I thought about what he had just said to me. I wanted more than anything to finally be a whole person inside, and I knew that if it was possible I would do anything, I broke down and cried.“Yes, please! I can’t stand my life, and I would rather die then be forced to live like this.”

  

“All right, Andrew. She will be in to see you this afternoon. If you promise me that you won’t try to hurt yourself, I will tell the nurse to remove your bonds but if you don’t behave they will be put back on, do you understand me, Andrew?”

  

“I promise that will behave, if what you said is true then I have no reason to.”

  

“It’s true Andrew, but you will need to be patient this kind of thing takes time.” Dr. John said, and then left me to think about what he had just told me.

  

It was around three in the afternoon when I heard a knock on my door and I was pretty surprised to see Megan’s mother, Janice come through the door. I looked over at her and she smiled and said, “How are you doing Andrew?”

  

“I felt a little embarrassed having her visit me where that she knew what I had done.”Why are you here Janice?” I asked

  

“Well Andrew someone that I cared about needed help”. Janice said with a smile

  

I couldn’t help it as the tears started to flow, it had been awhile since I had felt wanted. I looked over at her as she sat down on the bed next to me. I really didn’t know what to say. I finally told her how embarrassed I felt with her knowing what I did.

  

“Andrew, you’re not the first kid to be overwhelmed and do something silly. You have more than enough reasons that drove you to this. I know about the abuse and I knew for years that you were most likely a transsexual, Andrew. The two of us are going to work through all this together, all right?”  

  

Janice then reached over and gave me a hug and said everything was going to be alright, and I actually started believing her.

  

“My parents, they are not going to be happy with any of this, especially my dad”

  

“Andrew, there really isn’t much your parents can do about anything. The moment he laid a hand on you, he lost that right, and when this goes to court he will likely end up in jail.” Janice said sadly

  

“What about my mom, she didn’t do anything wrong?”

  

“You’re right Andrew, she didn’t do anything. If you were my son and your dad was beating you, I would have packed up our bags and moved out. A mother protects her child, she doesn’t let them be abused, I really don’t know much about your mother, but I suspect that she came from an abusive home herself.

  

In the meanwhile Andrew, you will be coming home with me, once they release you.   You will be part of our family, until we can figure out what is best for you.”

  

“What about Megan? Does she want me there?”

  

“Megan was the one that found you, Andrew. She spent most of yesterday here in the hospital, worrying about you. It was her idea that I become your doctor. So yes, she wants you to come home with us. “

I was a little shocked that she was spent all of yesterday with me, and then I thought about how it must have felt for her finding me and watching me dying. It must have scared her half to death, seeing that.

  

Janice left a little while later, but said that she would be in tomorrow morning. If the doctor said it was all right, then I would be leaving with her later that morning.

  

That night I was barely able to sleep. I kept having bad dreams. In most of them I was really happy and I was a girl with lots of friends and there was Scotty, the two of us were together, everything was perfect and I felt truly happy as he held me in his arms, but that is where things started going bad.

  

Out of nowhere, my dad shows up and he is wearing army fatigues and holding a gun. He yells at me and calls me a little fucking faggot, then opens fire, killing everyone, all my friends and then Scotty. When he is done firing he points the gun at me and says run if you want, bitch. That is when I woke up screaming and covered in sweat.

  

Even after I calmed down, I was so worked up that I couldn’t get back to sleep. I found myself walking the halls outside of my room. A few of the nurses asked me why I was out of bed and I just told them that I couldn’t sleep. I was told not to leave the ward, and I was fine with that. There really wasn’t anywhere else for me to go.

  

I eventually found the TV room and lay down on the couch and watched the Conan O’Brien show. At least it took my mind off things for awhile but I soon found myself tiring out, and before I knew it I had fallen asleep on the couch.

  

  “What are you doing in here Andrew?” asked Amy.

  

“Hi Amy, I had some bad dreams last night and ended up here guess I fell asleep.”

  

“We’d better be getting you back to your room honey, otherwise they are going to have security out looking for you.”

  

“Alright Amy, I’m coming.”

  

After the two of us were back in my room, Amy took a seat on the bed next to me. “So, do you want to tell me about the dreams, Andrew?”

  

I told her about the dreams that I was having, and she just sat there and listened till I was finished before she said anything.

  

“Andrew after I tried hurting myself, I had all kinds of weird dreams and they scared me eventually as I started dealing with things they started going away. Just be patient and talk about what is bothering you. If you hold all that crap in, it will only eat you alive.”

  

“Why are you telling me all this, Amy?”

  

“I guess it’s because the two of us are a lot alike and I think we could be friends.”

  

“I would like that, Amy.”

  

“So would I Andrew, but tell me do you have another name that you use?”

I smiled,“Yes Amy, its Jessica or Jesse for short.”

End of part Three

To be continued in part four