Encrypted-3

Chapter 3

Brandy leads my out of her place dressed and to her car. I’m clutching her hand until we get there and she smiles and blushes a bit and opens the car door for me. I get in and try to sit and slide into the seat even though I’m not wearing a skirt, it just seems right to try and do it like that. It’s not really that skirt locking my legs together thing but something like it.

Brandy needs, really, really, really needs to clean her car. It’s freaking me out a bit. Not bad but grit, and dust and just not keeping things so orderly it’s one of those things that tweak my OCD’s.

She gets in and turns over the car with it protesting being awakened by her turning the key. I’m an engineer amongst other things and this poor car is on its last legs. I’m distracted by the thoughts I have about the car and Brandy and her dancing for money and the life she’s had to go through and the house she has fought so hard to have. She’s playing some classical music on the radio giving my fingers something to dance to.

Before long it’s like we’re just there, pulling into the Toronto Metro P.D.’s parking garage and I’m scared all over again. “Brandy, I’m not s..sure I can do this.”

“Yes you can. I know it’s hard Maddie but we have to do this you need to talk to the police and you need to get your things back before the landlord takes the things the you’ve gotten accustomed too and tosses the out.”

“He can do that?”

“If I know the type he’ll try and do it as soon as the police tape is down after him and god knows who has gone through your things.”

The thought of strangers not even to mention this evil little balding troll of a man going through my things like that actually made me cringe. Just picturing it was like feeling their hands all over me in a way.

But Brandy takes my hand and laces her fingers in with mine and takes me inside to the service desk and up to the officer there behind the counter. The older guy looks at us and then each of us for a moment. “Vice is on the third floor.”

Brandy looks at him. “We’re not here for that. We’re here for an assault case plus a robbery.”

He frowns. “Sorry, easy mistake “Ladies” robbery/homicide’s on the forth floor. Can I get the victims name?”

“Uh…Mmm…Mathew…M..Mathew Grant.” I’m studying because I’m really nervous and the way he’s staring at me. What did I do wrong for him to look at me like that? I don’t understand why people keep giving me that look.

He gives me one more look before calling on the desk phone. “Hey, ya its Sergeant Billox you guys got an assault and robbery up there going on by the name of Grant? Yaddo huh, well I got ‘em down here wanting to make a statement or something. Send the up? Ya sur, no problem.” He hangs up and points to an elevator. “You “ladies” can take the elevator to the fourth floor and they’ll deal with you there.

He’s hostile, he doesn’t like me, most people don’t and he’s acting strange. I don’t understand why he’s being like that to me and to Brandy too. He doesn’t like us. He doesn’t think we count as real girls. But I’m not a man? If I’m not a man then shouldn’t I be a woman? It doesn’t make sense why someone should be angry at someone for just being the thing that they really are?

Brandy leads me too the elevator muttering “Asshole.” and I’m staring at the ground getting more and more nervous and I try not to but I’m counting, counting on each hand with the tips of my fingers touching my thumbs.

The elevators doors close and I say. “Bing!”

Brandy looks at me and up to the second floor and I go “Bing!” when the two lights up.

The elevator stops at the third floor and I go “Bing!” I can’t help it it’s something I just do with elevators, I always have done it. I don’t know why, my doctor doesn’t know why and it’s some kind of OCD. I hate it and it’s embarrassing. I hate it because I’m weird enough as it is. The doors open and again I say “Bing!” the doors close after two people get on and…Brandy and I…we both say “Bing!” I look at her and she takes my hand and she gives me that great big beautiful smile of hers that just seems to say. ~I’m here, it’s okay, I love you. ~ I can’t help but to smile at her doing that.

Fourth floor and we both go “Bing!” and we burst out giggling letting off some of the pressure. It’s kind of funny or fun when I do it with someone else. The doors open and a bit louder we both go “Bing!” and step out holding hands and head down to the section of the place labeled robbery and homicide.

Stepping into the department it’s scary. I live shuffled away, I work in small departments at school well not small but my labs are small; Myself or at most four or five people but I usually work alone, I talk to the doctors I need to and a few others for the grants but I’m a hermit. Like the crab I had a shell that was my basement apartment. I’d crawl into it and shut out the world. But this is scary, really scary there’s too much talking and too many people. There’s even a few handcuffed. I’m going into a room full of people I don’t know and some of them are dangerous…maybe? I’m more scared of the chaos that I see inside there. I balk and stop and bite my lip. Flex my fingers on my free hand trying not to count.
Brandy pulls me into the room carefully backing her way in and softly saying. “You can do this, You can do this.” I go inside but my nerves are going at maximum signal gain. I hate this, I hate it here.

Once there we’re met by this man, fellow about our age but he’s asian. He’s well developed and has a handsome face and look I think. His bone structure and features are very pleasingly symmetrical. Is that good looking? Brandy smiles at him. He smiles back and then hugs her. “Hey Brandy what’s up?”

I look at him oddly. “Are you a detective? If you are then it should be apparent why we are here? We’re not dead so we must have been robbed?” I look at Brandy honestly confused. “Is he qualified?”

She laughs and I’m not exactly sure why it’s funny, I mean why else would I even be here? She kisses me lightly. “Yes Maddie Tayo is qualified but I know him from one of the clubs I used to dance in. He was working vice back then.”

“Oh so his question wasn’t a question but one of those slang greetings?”

“Yes it’s a slang thing honey, sort of but it’s really kind of common. I didn’t think that you wouldn’t have gotten it.”

“Oh I’ve heard it before but it’s just here and why we’re here that I got the context mixed up.” I look at her then at him then the floor a bit.

“Sorry, I’m very nervous and when I get like that I tend to miss things even normal things and then I just look stranger than I am and everyone thinks I’m strange enough as it is but when they stare at me like that I go home because home is safe but home’s not safe anymore because they hurt me and they broke into my home and the know where I live and I’m out in public dressed like the person that I’m supposed to be for the first time in my life and that’s adding to my social awkwardness and…”

He takes me by the arm and I can’t stop the flinch when he touches me and everything’s sped up on me and going too fast and it’s getting really hard to breathe and …and…and…my chest is hurting. …

Brandy gets me over to this chair and tells me to put my head between my knees and to breath into this paper bag…”But I don’t know where this had been…” I whine and wheeze but do as she asks.

The detective is kneeling beside me saying. “You’re okay miss, you’re safe here. No one’s going to hurt you here.” He looks up at Brandy. “Does she have panic attacks often?” I shake my head no. Brandy’s rubbing my back saying. “No I don’t think so. Look Tayo, Madison isn’t really good with places like this, so can we get through this; please?”

He nods and gives both of us a smile and he leads us over to a desk where he starts to ask me about the assault and the night that it happened and about getting slipped something and the whole thing. He calls a couple of people asking for several guys by name to look in the alley for a plastic…Brandy tells him it was a black garbage bag. He argued a bit with them telling them that it could well still be there and that it’s evidence that wasn’t followed up with by the detectives that were at my apartment, he says he’ll meet them down there as soon as he’s done with my interview.

He takes my wallet out of a drawer in a evidence bag. And gives it to me. I take it out of the bag and take tissues and hand sanitizer off his desk and start to take everything out of it and to scrub “them” off of it. He says. “They took your credit cards but I found the rest scattered down a storm drain.” I nod as I scrub just too upset and to mono-focused on the task until it’s done. My Id and drivers license is there plus my debit cards and they are bent like they tried to break them by hand.

He’s very good after all I think. He’s not surprised by the fact that it happened on campus or that I was targeted. “Madison, you’re in a technical field, well three actually and it’ll make people jealous and talk. I imagine some of that is the draw was the fact that they knew that you had some expensive equipment.”

I look at him feeling a bit better. “This was just them being greedy?”

He gives me an honest look. I think it’s what it’s supposed to be. “Yes and no, it’s not exactly a secret that you’re different from the statements that I’ve been reading. I know it’s not remotely right but people get all sorts of negative stuff going on when it comes to people or things they don’t understand.”

I nod. “Yes, I’m not good with people or a lot of things, It just confuses me. There’s too much context with people and it’s not accurate enough for me. But you’re saying that this was part of it?”

He nods. “Yes, I think honestly someone who you may work with or close to in one of the three departments is angry that you shouldn’t be as successful as you are when you’re the way that you are?”

I’m confused. “I…I…It’s why I’m good at these things, I don’t understand…” I lean in the chair against Brandy. “I don’t hurt anyone? I…I don’t, why?” I don’t cry but I’m upset again enough to be shaking. I mean it too, It’s not supposed to be like this. School is supposed to be safer, people aren’t supposed to be like the people back home. I almost feel sick, I know I’m rocking a little and there’s still too many people here, still too many people staring at me. She runs the tips of her fingers through my hair. It’s soothing me enough to get me to close my eyes.

“Is that enough from her or do you need something else Tayoshi?” I hear her ask him.

“No, I’m good just the alley to check out and then a few other things. You go ahead and take her home.”
“Actually we’re going to go over to her place is that alright?”

“Yeah the place has been gone over already, it should be alright to go and see what you two can salvage out of that mess.”

I open my eyes. “My computer’s both of them are custom built, if that helps.”

He looks at me. “That’ll definitely help, if I can get a list of the parts we can check the places most people’d dump them for quick cash. These guys won’t be smart enough to sell them off piece by piece.”

He passes me a notepad and I write down the specific for both my desktops and my two laptops and pass it back. “Thank you detective, could I get a letter to submit to my insurance company or you could send them an e-mail?”

“Do you know the name of your insurant agent?”

“Yes and their e-mail too.” I give him both and he smiles and scans a list from my file of things gone from my apartment and he sends that and the e-mail message to the insurance company. See not dealing with them directly like this I’m okay, I know that this coming from the police department itself will be seen differently. I smile a bit shyly. “Now save it in two places and print me a copy….please?” He smiles and gives me a copy of his list and e-mail and signs and dates it. “Thank you.”

Brandy and I leave and I’m back to my thing in the elevator, not as self conscious about it with her doing the “Bing!” too but about the second floor she glides in front of me and kisses me her tongue slipping into my mouth and her fingers into my back pockets to squeeze my bottom and rub my panties through my jeans. I get lost in the sensations and the world narrowing itself to just her and myself for awhile. We get to the parking garage and she backs us up walking backwards to her Chevette still kissing me. She breaks the kiss as her butt hit’s the hood of her car. “Hey, you stopped.”

I look at her confused. “Stopped?”

“Mmm, no binging.”

“Oh, I’m sorry it’s just this OCD thing I have…”

She kisses me again as she unlocks her car door. There’s this texture, I’m noticing of her lipstick on mine. It sends a jolt of something through me, something good. “I know.” she murmurs through the kiss.

“You did?” I murmur back.

“I guessed.” another kiss from her.

“Oh…” I return the kiss and lick my lips.

“Oh.” She kisses me again as she opens the door for me. It’s confusing because of what I know the gender roles are but I don’t know exactly how we’d do it. It’s still nice and gallant of her so, I smile and just enjoy it.

She slips into the car and I play the radio a little on the loud side as I feel better sealed inside the car and we’re away from the place. I don’t drive, not here in the city. I have a license but I’m from a small town out in the country, I’m used to the simple back country roads. The city scares me in a lot of ways. It’s good that Brandy can drive because I haven’t since coming to the city to start school. The though comes to me quickly. “Brandy? I have a car in a parking garage. I haven’t used it since coming to the city.”

“Okay, but what about Pretty here.”

“Pretty?”

“My car.”

“It has a name?”

“Yeah lots of people name their cars.”

“Yes, I know but this car isn’t pretty.”

Brandy looks at me with this open mouthed shocked look and pets the dusty dirty dash going. “There, there baby, Maddie didn’t mean it she just never seen you in you’re prime.”

It’s strange seeing her doing that but I think that I understand. I value my things and people personalize them. “I didn’t mean to insult her, just we could give her a rest then maybe fix her up?” Brandy looks at me. “What kind of car is it?”

“An 1986 Cutlass Supreme station wagon with faux wood paneling. It was my fathers car.”

“Maybe later honey it’s pretty old. It can’t be in much better shape than Pretty here.”

“I’ve had it in a garage covered since I’ve been here. It hasn’t had much exposure. But it does have 114,556 km on it.”

“You remember what was on the odometer?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, we’ll take a look at in in the next couple of days and see what’d be best for us.”

“Yes, that is a sound idea.”

I ask Brandy to pull into a small strip mall that has a branch of my bank that I use there and Brandy says that we need cleaning supplies. I agree and get out to go with her and head to the bank. “I need to get these things fixed and need some money, I’ll meet you in the store?”

“Sure…are you sure that you don’t want me to go with you?”

I look at the bank, it’s not that busy, it‘s why I go here. I shake my head no. “They know me here. I should be okay.” She nods and heads into the Dollarama store. I go into the bank and wait in line. I get a few looks and get a strange look from the teller as I say. “Hello, I need a new banking card please, mine was damaged when I was mugged.”

The woman looks at me. “The card says Mathew miss you do not look like a Mathew.”

“I know, there was a mistake when I was born. I should have been born a girl.”

She stares at me almost glaring and she says rather acidly. “I’ll be right back Sir.” and clicks off to where the offices are and comes back with a older man in a suit a younger man with a suit I recognize as my account manager and a security guard. She gives me this hostile look but says that I should recount my “Story” and turns to the bank manager and says something like. “I don’t believe “him” “he” might have stolen the card and wallet we should make him prove “he’s” a match to “his” photo ID.” The old man is staring at me frowning. But my account manager goes over and smiles.

“Hey Mathew, you look good.”

“Thank you David, but I’m going to be using Madison soon.”

“Madison, I like it, it suits you. Here can I have your card?”

“Certainly.” I hand it over and the teller stalks over with the older man. “Mr. Parker what are you doing?”

“I’m waiting on one of our clients, more-over Bethany I’m waiting on one of my clients.”

“You know this guy?”

“I know HER very well I’ve been managing HER accounts for years.”

“THAT’S not a woman, only a woman is a woman, not some fake…” The old man coughs. “Bethany that’s enough.” She looks like she’s going to have some kind of attack getting really red in the face. David stares at her then says. “I know Her, and the bank doesn’t need bad press from the LGBT community over us treating a member of the community badly.” She glares at him. “I’m a lesbian Dave, and that thing doesn’t deserve, won’t ever deserve to call itself a woman, it’s insulting and disgusting!”

I can’t help but ask. “Excuse me miss?”

“It’s mizz, what?”

“What did I do for you to be angry?”

“You’re lying that’s what, you’re not a real woman and you shouldn’t pretend to be one. Can’t you just be gay, do you have to try and screw with women just because of that?”

“Yes.”

“Yes? What do you mean yes.”

“Yes, I can be gay. I’m not a man and if I’m not a man I must be a woman and since I’m in a relationship with a woman then I have to be gay but the term I think is lesbian though.”

“No! You’re not a lesbian! you’re not, only real women can be lesbians!” She might have gotten violent, well she did when the security guard put a hand on her shoulder and she slapped him. “Don’t touch me! I’ll have you charged!” Then the old man says. “Mizz Turner please come into my office.” She’s angry but leaves with him glaring at me two or three times between looking at the floor.

I feel badly, but I don’t. I know that this upsets some people but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not a man, not really. I really never have been. I’m not sure that I understand why she was so angry about something that doesn’t really concern her. I’m a lesbian, I’m in love with another girl. I’m not asking her out so why is she so angry?

David coughs. And hands me a new bank card and I put in the new pin number. “I’m sorry you had to go through that Madison, I guess some people are just bigoted even if they’re in a minority themselves.”

“It’s alright David and I really appreciate the help. I know I’m going to get more of this once I get back to work at the university.”

“I hope you can get through this stuff, you’ve always been a nice person.”

David helps me get some money transferred from some accounts and I take out three thousand in cash and head over to the store where Brandy is walking around with a cart of things. I step up and kiss her, I put my forehead to hers. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just had trouble with a teller. She was angry that I’m just trying to be me.”

“What’d she do?”

“Nothing important. She just got very angry over my transgenderism threatening her status as a lesbian? She really didn’t like me admitting to be in a lesbian relationship too.”

“Oh, yeah one of those ones…I’m sorry baby (she kisses me) but there’s some people out there that refuse to see people like me and you for who we really are. Are you okay though?”

“Yes, It was my bank. The man who has been my account handler was there. Things are better. But she was very angry, offended even.”

Brandy sighs and holds onto me one arm around my waist. “I know hon, I know how about we just get out of here and over to get what we can salvage from your apartment.” She seems a little tired or worn out even.

“Brandy? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Maddie, it’s just I’m getting tired of dealing with this kind of stuff. The bullshit just gets to me a little.”

I’m not sure if it’s what I should do, I’m so new at this but I kiss her gently and hug lead her to the cashier. I start putting things on the counter, plastic…I have to wipe off my hands every few times I touch the things in a plastic bag or container. Pretty much everything really is plastic packaged. I ask Brandy if she can get me a few pairs of the cheap fake leather gloves they have here. I pay for them and put the first pair on. My thing with plastic is something I’ll always fight with. Hard plastic isn’t as bad a problem though.

We get the things into the car and we drive to my place and have to buzz the superintendent of my building. He’s not happy to see me, us and he’s not really helpful either. He complains about me “Bringing trouble to the building.” He calls us “Tranny fags” and otherwise is snarky and rude and unpleasant. He’s never been a nice person to me. He’s called me fag and freak and other names when he thought he was out of earshot. He took every repair request personally like I’d broke whatever was damaged. We’re just getting started putting things into garbage bags…ick…when passes me a letter saying due to damages to the building and recent financial concerns my rent is going up by two hundred dollars a month plus utilities were no longer included. I stare at him and there’s a smug smile on his face. He couldn’t evict me but this will give him an excuse to when I can’t pay. I know that the building is owned by a church so likely he told them about Brandy and myself. I show her and tell her. “I won’t be able to pay this. I could for awhile but it would clean me out after awhile with the utilities and the rent increase.”

“Fuck them Madison, let them choke on it, move in with me.”

“Are you sure? You barely know me?”

“I know you Madison, It might not be years and years but I know that we love each other right?”

I nod.

“So move in with me, I own the house as small as it is and we can save up money and get your loans paid and everything.”

“Okay.” I smile and kiss her.

It still takes us hours and hours to bag up things I’ve owned and were smashed or soiled or I’m just not going to use anymore. It’s hard work too heading up to the dumpster every few bags. I’m skinny and not really that strong and there’s a lot of trips. The ruined furniture was the worst to move taking a lot out of the both of us. Then it’s sweeping and vacuuming and cleaning up the place.

I get the super and tell him that I’ll be moving out. He say’s my insurance isn’t going to cover the damages and that my damage deposit will be used to fix it all. I don’t care at this point. We just leave getting into Pretty and head home. My entire life in my apartment reduced to three garbage bags of clothes that she liked that could be unisex or worth keeping, a box of dishes, two boxes of groceries that were in the cupboards and some blankets and pillows. My tool box under the sink was still there that’s it…ten years of my life just trashed and down to this.

I’m sipping a coffee thinking about this while Brandy is making our supper. I hurt from the day, so is she and we’re both just wiped out. I really am fighting the need to lay down. I think the emotional stuff has far been harder than the work. I’m looking out the kitchen window as it’s starting to just get to the afternoon setting sun. I’m thinking and trying to feel if this was worth it. The clothes, the changes, meeting Brandy to what my life was, what it had been.

Zeros and ones, zeroes and ones…With Brandy, or life as it was without her…zeros and ones…There’s no question really. I look up at her and smile and she leans down and kisses me softly. I kiss her back one question out of so many in my life no longer a question.