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Well, I had planned to talk about my stories again, but I am not up to it. The only story I have in my head is a very angry one, and I am not sure if that one is a good idea. Mostly, I am wondering the wisdom of spending a day or more in the ER. I simply cannot find a way out of this box, and the prospect of having to spend the rest of my life like this is becoming just about intolerable. The big reason why I haven't is the simple fact they cannot help me. I am the only one who can make the plunge ahead, regardless of cost, or not. And that cost is so great I would rather know there is actually water in that pool before I jump. I feel like I am on a high-wire, too far from the beginning to go back, but too far from the end to be even sure it is there. Ah, well.
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catharsis
Go ahead and write your angry story. Maybe you'll think it's too rough to post here when you're done, but sometimes the act of writing helps even if no one else ever reads what you've written. Or you could then edit the story so it has a happier ending, even if it's something cheesy like "...and then Dolores realized that the sensation of wetness on her cheeks was not from tears, but from a puppy licking her face. She opened her eyes and realized that she was safe in her bed; the whole ordeal had been a horrible nightmare. She gave Rascal a tummy rub in thanks for waking her up, and decided that it was a good day for pancakes."
Welcome to the roller coaster ride
Sweetie,
There is no guarantee that any path we walk will bring us peace and happiness, but you already know the one you are on is not working for you. Speaking from knowing where you are, I decided to change paths and just be me. That meant I lost my marriage (it was already dead), lost the relationship of my ex, kept my relationship with my son, and started anew. I am a happier person, and while I am lucky, I can sort of pass the visual glance, I know many cannot. I will tell you that many of the girls in my area cannot pass, but that has not stopped them from being who they are. Yes, there are lonely times, and difficulties with being accepted, but we already face those anyway. Just know that you can get off the path if it is not for you ... well during the first year you can. For myself, I did my RLT and hormone therapy at the same time so it was more of a challenge. I was blessed with friends who taught me to keep my head held high and shoulders back, and ignore those awkward stares, comments and outright laughs (not many of the latter). Just remember, you can do hormones and still dress androgynous, and feel happy with yourself. Each of us knows what is right for ourselves.
My recommendation ... be true to yourself. Otherwise you will stay in the pit and be miserable.
Kendra Manderscheid
(One step at a time is working)
Kendra Manderscheid
(One step at a time is working)
Feeling for you
Hey dottie you know I am here for you if you want to PM I feel for you not being able to come to grips with your gender issues I have come to grips years ago that I was born a boy and will die a boy (or man) but I am lucky to have a very supportive and loving wife.I am not willing to give up what some other have had to give up namely my family.I have read about Gwen (sorry Gwen I don't remember your new name)loosing her whole family,not having contact with your little girl is something you need to think about is that worth the cost? Any how I am here if you need me as is everybody else in are BCTS family LOVE YOU BIG HUGS RICHIE
back to shaky
Dorothy, go ahead and write the story. It can help you to vent your anger, which I believe that you need to do.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Only you, -
Sadly Dot, only you can decide what steps you are going to take and in which direction. Have you really explored all the avenues with your wife?
I truly sympathise with your justified fears of losing touch with your daughter. If only you can hold on for a few more years until your daughter might be of an age to judges for herself whether she wishes to see you or not. But I know that is a huge ask as your gender issues loom larger and larger.
We all of us know it's not easy no matter how far or how often we have walked along this path.
I can only say I will keep in touch if you wish, by internet, sadly many supporters are too far away to offer any material help.
Love and hugs.
Beverly.
Growing old disgracefully.