To See Through a Glass Darkly

Chapter 14

Sasha visits Fr. Andrei, his priest, to discuss his feelings about the strange events in his life.

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Pronouncing Russian words & phrases

Теперь мы видим как бы сквозь [тусклое] стекло, гадательно [tee-PyEHR' mwih vee-DEEM kahk bwih skvoss' tooss-KLO-yuh steek-LO guh-duh-TyEL'-nuh], We see through a glass darkly.

Чаткий [CHAT-kee], a rosary of knotted woolen yarn used when reciting the Jesus Prayer

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Mama, do you have the phone number for the church?” I asked. “Maybe I should talk to Father Andrei about all that’s happening to me.”

“Why do you think this?” she asked me. Her face was looking somewhat more concerned than a few minutes ago.

“Because I saw Father Andrei and his wife in my dream. Maybe he can help.”

“Perhaps, but now may not be the best time. And I don’t know that you would be wise to go dressed as you are now.”

“Yet, I feel that he may know something that I need to hear.”

“Perhaps. And I did not say that you ought not to see him, but that this may not be the right time.”

“Why? Is something wrong now?”

”The Church has not always accepted–not always understood–those who see visions.”

“Yet the Church is there for penitents and seekers.”

”So, about what do you need to be penitent?”

“Not trusting Sonia,” I admitted. “And to a lesser extent, not trusting you as well as I should have.”

“Well, so far as it concerns me, I forgive you.”

“Thanks, Mama,” I said, “That helps, but it’s Sonia who I've wronged the most about this.”

“I know. So perhaps confession would help after all,” his mother concluded. “So what do you wish to do, then.”

“If Father Andrei is in, I would like to go and talk to him.”

“I could drive you there, if you like?” Mama offered. “That would make certain you have enough time to talk to him. Is not too far for you to walk home afterwards.”

“That would be okay.”

“Get your purse and come then,” she told me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Byzantine dome of St. Basil's Church was not too far from our house and we were there in five minutes or so. There were a couple of trees in front of the church that I hadn't noticed before, but my wedding rings and French manicure clued me that the trees also might be no less illusory.

“Моя Саша, you may call me if you wish after you talk with Father Andrei, or you may walk home.”

“It's not too far,” I said. “I’ll just walk.”

“If you wish, but you’re wearing heels today,” she reminded me.

That was not something that I'd ever thought about before. But I had gotten along wearing them well enough today. It shouldn't really be a problem.

“I’ll be okay,“ I assured her. “I think that I’m used to them now.”

“You are sure, моя Саша?”

“Yes. I'll be fine,” I insisted. “I love you, Mama!”

“I love you, too, моя Саша!”

As I got out of the car, I noticed that my wedding rings and my manicure had disappeared. So had two trees in front of St. Basil’s Church.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sasha paused at Fr. Andrei’s door ajar before knocking and quickly rapped three times with his knuckles.

“You may enter, please!” Fr. Andrei invited him in.

With slight trepidation, carefully balanced in his high-heeled shoes, Sasha pushed the door further open and stepped into the priest’s study. Behind an old wooden desk sat a bearded clergyman wearing a black cassock. He chuckled as he addressed his teenaged parishioner.

“Come, Sasha. Do not be shy. I see that Sonia has prevailed in her effort to make you her sister.”

“You already knew? How?” I asked him. Had Sis already told Fr. Andrei about this? This was not a reaction that I had expected.

“Your sister told me of her wish long ago. Since she was small, Sonia hoped to share her girlhood with you.”

“Did everyone know about it but me?”

“No. She tried to tell you many times but you would not listen. Or you were not ready to hear it. Yet I see that you hear it now.”

I blushed yet again. By this time I was getting quite good at it. It was not a skill that I was trying to master, but I seemed to have been practicing it frequently now for a couple days.

“This and other problems are making things much too complicated now. I need to talk to you about them.”

"Come in, my son, and sit," the priest invited. "And no, I will not give you lecture on crossdressing as sin, since I do not believe that you do this as sin. But I will tease you because it fun."

“Then feel free to enjoy yourself, Father Andrei,” I said as I sat down in an armchair, smoothing my skirt, “at my expense!”

He chuckled again. “We must try and get sermon from your circumstance, yes?”

Yeah, he was going to enjoy this, but knowing Fr. Andrei, he would let me have some fun with it, too.

“In English or Russian?”

“Both maybe,” he answered non-commitally. “What be on your mind?”

“I think that I've been hurting my sister for years. I feel sick about it, too.”

“So this about you dressing like Sonia?”

"Yes. Maybe not dressing up like her was the sin?"

"Why you say so?"

"Because all this time, she just wanted to share what was important to her with me. And all the time I had refused," I told him. "I was embarassed and ashamed anytime she mentioned it. But to her it was a gift that she had for me. I had no idea that it was so important to her. Now I feel more humiliated that I didn't do it than that I finally did."

"You feel very bad that you did not accept her gift for so long?"

"Yeah," I confessed. "I didn't know she just wanted to share her girlhood with me, as you put it. I had always thought it was just another way for her to make fun of me. But she said she only wanted me to enjoy being a girl with with her. She has always wanted a sister to show how to be a girl. I didn't know any of this."

 «Ð¢ÐµÐ¿ÐµÑ€ÑŒ мы видим как бы сквозь стекло, гадательно », Father Andrei said in Russian.

"What?" I asked, hoping he'd translate his remark.

"Now we see through glass darkly," Father Andrei said. "Apostle Saint Paul wrote in First Letter to Corinthians. We cannot know everything. How could you know what your sister think? You boy, yes?"

"Yes, I'm a boy–despite my current appearance," I giggled.

Fr. Andrei smiled back at me. "Sonia did not expect you to know what she think. She hoped that you know but did not expect so. You boy. She knows that. You did not do wrong to your sister. You did not know. You could not know. How did you learn her wish? When?"

"I talked with Tina."

"Who Tina?"

"She's both my girlfriend and Sonia's best friend. She's come to church with us before."

"Girl has long dark hair? Always sits near Sonia and you?"

"Yes, that's her."

"Very pretty young woman. Since she Sonia's friend and your girlfriend, Tina said what Sonia wish to you?"

"Yes, she told me why Sonia wanted me to dress up for her. Mama had also said something to make me think about it. Then I knew that I owed it to Sonia after she set me up with Tina."

"Set you up?"

"I mean that she arranged for Tina and I to begin dating. Tina and Sis have been best friends for many years. So we've actually known each other for a long time, but we wouldn't be dating without Sis encouraging us."

"You very grateful to Sonia, of course. That was very important to you, yes?"

"Very much so," I affirmed. "It's one reason I decided to dress up for her. I wanted to thank Sonia for bringing Tina into my life.

"So then wearing girl's dress is sign for gratitude?"

"I guess you could call it that, yes!"

"No sin. Your sister feel good because she found you girlfriend and now you thank that she help you. This not sin but you good brother. You not understand before but now acknowledge gift of Sonia's girlhood. So also you accept now. You not know so you must forgive yourself."

"Do you mean that she will forgive me for refusing her all this time?"

"I mean that because you did not sin, it does not need to be forgiven. But if you need to ask than also I think that she will forgive you. Maybe she forgive you already, yes?"

"When I agreed to let her dress me up, she cried and then she hugged me more warmly than she ever had. I mean, she's my sister and we've always loved each other as brother and sister, but there's something special about this that I didn't know we could have before."

"Sasha, maybe now you feel special bond that sister have for sister?" Father Andrei suggested. "My wife tell me about this. She have both sister and brother but she say that love for sister very different than for brother."

"Maybe. I don't know," I conceded to Fr. Andrei. "But we are closer now than we have ever been. And I don't think that I have felt a need for my relationship with Sonia to be so strong. It feels strange, like that I really need to be her sister. I can't explain it. It's like–like–"

"Like it not all about you. Now you feel your sister's need," my priest concluded, finishing my sentence for me. "You have become girl because Sonia need sister now. I remember when your papa do like this for your mama."

"Mama told me about that yesterday," I mentioned. "Papa did all the homemaking while she worked for a few years. Then he found a good engineering job and they switched back their places again."

"Have you thought about why that Sonia need you to be sister now?"

Fr. Andrei's question was interesting. I had conceded to her when I learned that Sonia needed me to assume the role of a sister, but I hadn't really thought about why? My response to her wishes had surprised even me. Did I know if any other guys had done this or whether they would do it? As far as I knew, this might be an extraordinary way to help out my sister.

"No, not really. But once I knew that she needed me to do so, that she wanted to share it with me, that was enough for me to do it."

"Then you trust Sonia–I think word is implicitly–yes?" Fr. Andrei asked me. "You did not ask her to explain why?"

"The explanations came from Tina and Mama," I replied to him. "What they said confirmed that this was very special to her and that she even wanted me to enjoy it. I suddenly felt guilty to have resisted her wish for so long. I had been so selfish."

"I understand," Fr. Andrei consoled me. "But you have now atoned for any selfishness that you have shown her over this. You need most to forgive yourself. Now you and Sonia come to church Sunday so that I can give you both special blessing."

"I don't know if I can come to church Sunday because I promised Sonia that I would dress like her all weekend. She would be hurt if I don't keep my promise."

"So you keep promise when you come to church Sunday. I will be hurt if you not come. You promise to come to church Sunday?"

"But I can't come to church in my sister's clothes," I objected.

"You wear sister's clothes in church now," he reminded me, of course. "Why not Sunday?"

"Everyone will see me."

"You ashamed to dress like sister after what you have told me?"

"Well, no, but–"

"No but then! You come Sunday, dressed as sister," he concluded–and ordered. "Sonia and mother must come, too. Your papa still work in New Orleans?"

"Yes."

"You talk to him yet?"

"You must also talk to papa about wearing Sonia's clothes."

"Mama already talked to him about it. He said it's okay so long as I wasn't forced to do it."

"Not enough. You must also talk with him," Fr. Andrei insisted. "This not for him, but for you."

Admittedly, I did want to talk to Papa about what's been happening. Indeed, crossdressing was the least of my worries. The hallucinations or whatever were the more serious problem right now, what I had really come to discuss with Fr. Andrei.

"Then I will try to talk with him tonight when he calls Mama."

"Very well," the priest concluded, now seeming almost dismissive of my garb as an issue. "You have more to discuss than your clothing. What else do you need to talk about?"

"Father Andrei, I'm afraid of losing my mind," I admitted. "A couple days ago I began seeing hallucinations when I woke up. Or so I thought. I told the school nurse. She told the school psychologist, who sent me to see a psychiatrist. He said that they might not even be hallucinations but illusions or something else. Mama says that both her family and Papa's have seers who see visions. I don't know what to think. I'm afraid."

Fr. Andrei looked at me for a moment and leaned back in his chair.

"Have peace, my son!" he said calmly. "Tell me what you see in your visions."

So I began recounting for him what I had seen and experienced in my visions or whatever they were. I was especially careful to explain what I had heard and felt as well as what I saw. Also, I told him that Tina and I were already married in my visions and described the strange wedding photo and how I dressed like her as a sign of my commitment to our marriage.

"Interesting," he remarked. "This is what you tell psychiatrist?"

"Yes. I even had more visions while talking to the intake counselor there."

"You have one here now?"

"No. I don't think so," I said looking at my hands. No wedding rings or French manicure. "Nothing unusual has happened here while we've been talking."

"Oh, I not say that," Fr. Andrei chuckled. "You here in Sonia's dress. You tell me about vision that you and Tina married so you wear her clothes, and also that your clothes change back and forth while you wear them. Yes, your talking not usual."

"I mean I haven't had any hallucination since I came in to see you," I confirmed. At least not since getting out of the car. Of course by now I knew that could change at any time.

"So you have psychiatrist now?"

"Yes," I said. "I saw Dr. Torricelli this morning. He also referred me to a neurologist to do tests in case I have an injury. I might have had a concussion from playing ice hockey or soccer that was missed before."

"I know Dr. Torricelli. He is good psychiatrist. Also, he has helped others here in church before."

"My school psychologist made the appointment for me. I could not go back to school without medical approval."

"Do you have чаткий?" Fr. Andrei asked me.

"A what?"

"Чаткий–prayer rope or rosary for the Jesus Prayer," he explained. "Do you have one?"

"No, I don't," I answered. "Should I?"

"Of course!" he said, opening a drawer in his desk. "Every Orthodox Christian should have чаткий. I have one for you."

Fr. Andrei gave me a circular rope made of black woolen yarn with a hundred little knots spaced evenly around it. At the bottom was a cross of wool that looked to have also been tied of knots, ending in a tasssel. Four red wooden beads were spaced evenly around the circle of knots, one at the woolen cross.

"Hold in left hand. You should repeat Jesus Prayer on each knot, 'Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me'; also make sign of cross at each red bead," Fr. Andrei explained. "So each time around is one hundred prayers. Saint Paul tell us to 'pray without ceasing.' Jesus Prayer is how we do that. Keep чаткий with you and always pray. Pray on bus. Pray when you walk. Pray when you sit. Come again and I tell you more about Jesus Prayer."

"Sasha, my son," Fr. Andrei said standing up and stepping out from behind his desk, "I will pray for you now the Twenty-Eighth Psalm for the health of your mind.

Fr. Andrei began intoning a traditional chant for the prayer…

"Unto thee will I cry, O LORD my rock; be not silent to me…"

As I became caught up in the prayer, singing the tone of the chant in my mind as Fr. Andrei continued.

"…Blessed be the LORD, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

"The LORD is their strength, and he is the saving strength of his anointed.

"Save thy people, and bless thine inheritance: feed them also, and lift them up for ever."

Then I joined him audibly singing to close the prayer, "Amen."

I had not expected Fr. Andrei to hug me when he finished.

"You can go now. Read the Twenty-Eighth Psalm when you wake up in the morning and before you sleep at night. It will help you. If your visions are mental illness, then they will cease."

That was reassuring to me as I thanked Fr. Andrei and left his office.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It had seemed a nice day to walk home, but now I was wishing that I had let Mama come and drive me home. Walking home in these high heels was proving harder than I had believed when I told Mama that I'd be all right. The shoes began pinching my toes when I was about halfway home. And my back was also starting to feel some strain. I had heard that high heels often caused back strain for women. Maybe that was true. But maybe it was also just that I needed to get used to them.

Still the weather was nice, slightly warm but for an occasional breeze. So I continue to walk, listening to the cadence of my footsteps on the sidewalk. The sound was so different than when wearing my own shoes. It also sounded different on the concrete sidewalk than on the brick-paved street as I crossed to the block where our house was.

After I had crossed the street a sudden gust of wind caught and billowed the skirt of my dress. Without even thinking, I had bent at my knees and ankles as I had seen Marjorie do earlier, fighting to hold my dress down as the wind strengthened as if to peek underneath it.

And I felt myself blushing in the wind.

As if I were supposed to.