CHAPTER 16
“Laura, darling, may I please speak to Peter?”

I waved him over and held out the handset, and as he took it I walked over to stare out of the window. Mary came up behind me, and softly said

“The rules are generally no touching, John, but if it is all right with you I am prepared to break them”

I nodded, and she enfolded me.

“We now know that what I suspected was happening did indeed take place. What I fail to understand is how such a clear pattern of physical and sexual abuse was not spotted by your GP. As soon as I started reading those early records, I was appalled. If a child had been presenting such injuries to me there would have been someone in prison. I believe he is dead, though?”

“Yes…..the next day”

Even through my fuddled state I saw her put two and two together, and her eyes widened.

“She loves you very much, doesn’t she?”

“I just wish I had realised how much, and earlier”

Pete put the phone down, and came over to hold me again. Mary looked at us together.

“Um…Laura, are you up to continuing with our chat? I would like to try and settle you a bit before you leave, and there are one or two things I want to involve Pete in, if he is willing.”

Pete was, and I was, and we covered those parts of our childhood together that had already been revealed, resurrected, by him and Mum. Dad’s part was sidestepped, thankfully, but Mary drew Pete out about our “dates” over the weekend, my time as a little girl, my declaration of marital intent, and so on.

For my part, I was as open as I could be, despite my mouth feeling as if someone had filled it with cotton wool. I spoke of the diving pools, of gender, of doubt and utter certainty, and as I did I realised that I actually loved my big, broken soldier. I always had done, from our infancy onwards, and wondered what would have happened if we had still been together in adolescence. A steady gay couple? Unlikely; he didn’t seem to feel that way about other men, and he definitely fancied women, from the way he had stared at the bum of that dark-haired trollop at Bovington.

Jealousy. Clear and simple it came to me, it was him, and me. He loved me. He fancied Laura, but he loved me. And I loved him. I could, of course, adjust myself so that I ticked both boxes, but would that work for me? I needed time for such a decision. If I were to be Laura, it would be because it was right, not because someone else wanted it. Not for my mother, and not even for Pete.

Mary closed down the chat as time ran too fast for us.

“Laura, John, whichever name you wish, just say. I am not going to start discussing things such as any possibility of gender confusion, or even what you would consider full-on transsexuality, until you have had time to digest these events and come to terms with them. You have my office number, and I will give you my mobile before you go. Call me if you need me, whatever time it is. And speak to your mother.”

Pete led me out to the van, if being pushed in a chair can be considered as ‘leading’, and once I was settled he turned to me and asked how lucid I felt.

“Not bad, I feel a little distant from things, a little slow, but not that bad. I think we need to lose these pills somewhere, though; I am not going to run my life on chemicals. What did my mother say?”

“She asked me to come back with you, and she wanted to know my father’s number. This is really a day for old wounds. I have my own things to say to her, and him, and you. She did it, didn’t she?”

“I think so. I think I know how, too, but I am sure that she did what she felt was needed. I am more concerned over what Mary said, if she could see the pattern, why not our doctor? Pete, can you stop at St Nicholas’ before we go home, I just want a look at his grave”

It wasn’t too long before e were at the church, empty under greying skies. I pushed the chair into the grave yard, looking for the place I remembered, and there it was, stone aslant, grass unkempt. “John Prentice Evans. 1945-1985”, that was all. I took a careful look around the area, and saw nobody. I unzipped, and pulled out my cock, and proceeded to piss on his grave.

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I zipped up, and turned to Pete. He was looking away.

“That sort of interferes with my picture of Laura, you know”

“How do you feel about Laura, Pete?”

“Like I always have. I love her.”

“Laura loves you. I love you. I just need time to sort out who I am before we take things any further, but I think I know where I am going now. Just be sure this is me you are talking about, and not a day-dream from your childhood, because I am real, I am here, and I can be hurt”

My mother was waiting in the driveway when we pulled up, and I could tell she had been crying, but she was as collected as always when she spoke. We were seated in the living room, I having done my duty as Pete’s crutch.

“Now you know, and now you realise why I pushed you in the direction I did. I hoped it would help you recover.

“I had almost given up on my child, the child I lost to some inward-turning robot, and then you came home. I thought if I left you enough hints, fed you enough clues, I might get you back without too much pain. I wanted you whole, and if that could happen without those events surfacing, I could die happy. You, of course, needed to do it the hard way, contrary as you are, dear.”

“Mum, Pete and I, we’ve been wondering, why did our GP not spot what was going on? Mary says the pattern was really obvious”

“I have a lot to talk about, dear, an awful lot. I am afraid that I do not feel I can do so right now. I will be honest with you, if someone says a cruel word I will break. I do have a plan of action, however, for the weekend. In the meantime, I need to clear a few things up so that we are all open about what we want and expect.

“Firstly, my love, what are we to call you?”

The answer came easily. “Laura, Mum”

“Thank you, dear. And Peter, would you be willing to stay with us for a while? We have the space, and I do believe Laura would like you here. I have arranged for a plumber to remodel the downstairs toilet and shower, and I have already purchased a seat for the latter. That was not intended as a hint, but I rather suspect your presence here will become more frequent. Do you want to change, Laura?”

Oh yes indeed. I suddenly realised I needed that, deeply. As I went through the door, Mum called out “What was the delay on your journey, dear? I expected you a little earlier”

I looked her in the eyes. “I went to St Nicholas’ to pay my respects”

One eyebrow lifted, just a little.

“Well, dear, I trust you had a full bladder”

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I was downstairs again reasonably quickly, in a comfy long skirt and sloppy jumper. Mother had a nice bacon broth for us, with proper dumplings cooked on it, of course, and as we sat and ate I realised that Mary’s doping was wearing off.

“I asked young Peter for his father’s number, as there are a number of issues with which he can help. Peter, your father will be joining us some time on Friday evening. Laura, I trust that you will confirm my pride in you. The grey silk, I think, with that wool you soiled, and the carpets will survive one or two evenings’ worth of abuse from proper shoes.”

It was an early night for us all. The stress of everything that had happened was telling, and I had a moment of pity for Alan, the hypnotist, who had been compelled to hear what came out of me. Would he sleep easily that night, I wondered.

The horrors came back in the small hours, and I awoke from the pain. For a moment, I considered taking some more of Mary’s little helpers, but I realised I needed to deal with this without chemical aid. In my nighty and slippers I approached the sleeping form, who stirred and grunted.

“Nightmares again. Can I please sleep with you?”

“Of course”

I slipped under the duvet, and nestled myself into my mother’s arms.