Part 18

The night was long and lonely. Even though mum and dad had been with me til about 9.30 when the nurse gave them their marching orders.

“My patient is tired and needs her rest, please could you say goodnight to her, you may return in the morning.” A very Teutonic evening nurse metaphorically clicked her heels together and marched them out of the ward.

Dad’s eyes were a picture and I giggled as they playfully slunk out like vagrant school children under the watchful eye of the stern Schulerin (female Teacher).

The nurse returned to my side and asked if there was anything she could get for me and offered me some painkillers and a trip to the loo, both of which I happily accepted.

I’d already been up for a brief wander to the loo that afternoon under the watchful eye and the very needed support of the nurse. Apart from the pillow spin when I got up and the vacant feeling of peeing without a penis, there was no difference. It was a bit of an anticlimax really.

Walking was another thing entirely — muscles seemed to be out of whack and I had a lot of difficulty moving them normally. Any sideways correction sent a spasm through my nether regions — meaning some things had been cut and moved in there.
The nurse gave me some wipes with a little alcohol on them to wipe myself gently with after my first wee. Feeling myself down there for the first time was really strange and I was tentative to say the least — I could feel rows of stitches which caught on the tissue and loose skin in some areas and swollen areas too.
When I got back to bed she inspected my wound and declared it tidy and dry!
She offered me a look again as the swelling had diminished a lot, I declined.

Anyway I was settling down for the night — my first night of being Jenny without the groggy sleep juice that I’d had last night. I was one day old!

The little stabs were coming in sort of waves — about every hour or so I’d awake to a loud one and then it was followed by a sort of automatic volume control as it bedded in. There was a weird buzzy feeling after each spell where I swear I could feel a bit more overall — like a matrix opening up between the new areas. I asked the nurse.

“I think that is what is called body mapping,” she smiled and tried to explain. “Your nerves are no longer attached to things in the same place. Where yesterday your penis was outside your body, the nerves are now inside and your head is trying to work out where the new ends are in relation to the rest of your body.” She watched my face for confirmation of my understanding.

“Like a shout to your teammates if you were playing in the dark, so you knew where to pass the ball?” I was trying to paraphrase it so she would know I understood.

She smiled and nodded, “Yes I think that is quite like what is happening, the shout is a bit louder than needed as your head does not know where the rest of the team is in relation to it.” She patted my arm, “I’ll be back in an hour or so to wake you up for a sleeping pill. Ring the buzzer if you need me though.”

I was surprised at her command of English, conceptualising in a foreign language is difficult and she seemed to have no problem with it. As I dozed off I thought I might ask her when I woke up.

My dreams were clearer tonight, though I wouldn’t really want to call them dreams. They seemed to be centred on the traumatic removal of my genitals. I woke in a bit of a lather once or twice but only had the vaguest recollection of the dreams. I knew they weren’t pleasant though! I wondered sleepily if it was my mind trying to compensate for the loss of my boy bits. I thought to ask the shrink (but I never did).

The next morning was really weird, I was chivvied out of bed at about 6am. I sat in the chair on a sheepskin pad as my bed was remade by two orderlies and then the nurse waltzed me off to the bathroom where after a pee, she sat me in a chair and gave me a hand shower — I was sat on a very soft sponge mat with a towel over the new bits to stop them getting too wet.

The amount of water she used was so small that I was hardly wet at all. But I did feel a lot better when she finished. “Right, lets get you back to bed and ready for the doctor. Put on a clean nightdress Jenny and brush your hair, I want a pretty girl waiting for her parents after the doctor leaves.”

“Why do I have to be up at this hour of the morning, nurse?” I was not best pleased. I’d been woken quite regularly even after being woken to give me a sleeping pill as she had promised. My temperature had returned to normal, but my nerves were a bit frayed and not just in the nether regions!

“I have a lot to do and you cannot be left to clean yourself on your own, so I must do it. There are other people who must also be tended to” She explained slightly shortly to me. Considering Daddy had paid a fortune for me to be here, the least I expected was a nurse without a surly attitude.

“I think I might have appreciated being left til last thanks,” I’m tired and not in the best condition to be bright and friendly I continued in my head.

“The others are not so mobile as you and are quite poorly, I am allowing them a little more sleep because they need it.” She looked at me like I was an immature delinquent, I felt perhaps I was one after that dressing down.

“Ok, I’m sorry, I didn’t sleep so well.” I gave her a churlish smile and she smiled back.

“You can have a little doze after you return to your bed. Breakfast will still be a little while. I will wake you then.” She helped me gingerly sit and swing my legs up onto the bed and tucked me in.

Within seconds it seemed, my breakfast arrived — more solid food — and a beautifully cooked poached egg on some really nice wholemeal toast.
More fibre than I’d had in days!
I guess they wanted me to pass a motion before I left the clinic.

I guess this is my third day as a real person at last. I’d felt so aliented for so long that I was reluctant to accept my new status.

The doctor had no such qualms and told me that I was a pretty madchen and that life for me was about to begin.
“Und I want you to start today with the smallest stent,” He added. “Nurse, would you make sure that it is documented on the chart as Jennifer will be transferring to the Nursing Home tomorrow ?”

“Yes Herr Doktor.” The nurse nodded and noted the dilation to take place at 2 pm and 8 pm ( she showed me the chart and winked at me).

“Right Jennifer, all being well I will see you tomorrow before you move and tomorrow evening when you are settled in the clinic — it is only two streets away so not far to go.
You will probably be taken by wheelchair if the weather is not too cold..”

As the Doctor left, mum arrived and smiled at him and the nurse. “Good morning, how’s our girl this morning?” She was looking at me as she spoke .

“Jennifer is doing very well indeed and will today start dilation to make sure that my needlecraft is not wasted,” he smiled and nodded at mum.

Mum smiled back and he strutted off down the passageway, obviously pleased with his professionalism — and his ego I guess.

Mum rolled her eyes and came over and gave me a hug. “How are you this morning petal?”

“Bit tired, but much less pain and not so groggy”. STAB — “ooh! spoke too soon — stabbing is still an option I think... Where’s pops?”

“Finishing his breakfast — he sat up watching a football match last night and I couldn’t drag him out of bed this morning. Christmas eve today don’t forget so he’s been on the eggnog a bit too..”

“I guess he’ll be as red nosed as Rudolf too if he’s not careful.”

The morning passed in gentle conversation and we discussed the future as a more tangible thing.
Boys came up and I felt sad as Paul drifted into my consciousness again.

“What are the men in Oz like?” I asked, not really thinking they’d be any different from UK blokes.

“Generally speaking they’re very macho and chauvinist.” Mum replied quite circumspectly. “Personally I think they’re a bit Neanderthal and quite rude, but Dad says they’re ok, once you get used to their brashness.”

“Oh, I hope they’re not that bad, I might want to come back to UK and be comfortable with my sloppy, unwashed prole.”” I grinned.

Mum snorted and shook her head to rid herself of the mental image. “You noticed huh?”

“I guess, it’s not hard to spot really, Nigel was a pretty clean dude, a lot of them don’t smell so good. Mind you Paul was ok.” My mind wandered a minute over the memory of his musky scent. “Most of the time anyway.” I added. Mum squeezed my hand and gave me a sympathetic look.

“It takes them a long time to realise that it’s hard to smell your own lack of hygiene. At least Aussie men realise it’s a hot sweaty place and keep scrupulously clean.. when they can.” She added as an afterthought.

We drifted about in our own thoughts until Dad poked his head round the door. “Morning Campers.” He entered and held out a bunch of Edelweiss and a box of rather fine Swiss Chocs.
“Flowers for my princess and Choccies to share. Nurse says you’re allowed three before lunch Jenny.”

“So who gets the flowers then?” I quipped.

“Beth is my Queen, you are my Princess, your loveliness,” Dad bowed and proffered the tiny bunch to me.

“Where did you get them Dad? I didn’t think you were allowed to pick them.”

“Actually I got them downstairs in the lobby, they’re cultivated so they can be sold. You’re right; I don’t think picking a whole bunch is legal. These cost a fortune too so make sure they last!!” Dad added wryly. “Still it’s Christmas and we deserve pampering.”

We chatted and watched inspector Rex on the TV and before we knew it, it was lunchtime and the nurse brought me some vegetable soup and some rye bread. It was heavenly. Obviously made with a rich chicken stock. Dessert was a sort of sponge with coffee in it and cream — I thought it sounded Japanese but they said it was Italian. Tiramisu.

Mum and dad had a coffee and then the nurse spoke to them and they looked over at me. “Looks like we’ve got to leave you to do some exercises pet.” Mum looked a bit sympathetic dad looked a bit awkward. We’ll away and get some lunch and see you in a couple of hours….”

I’m not going to go into great detail about dilation. It’s messy and a bit undignified. And not a little scary — and I got to inspect myself rather better than I’d really wanted to at that point.

Though I have to say, the apparent butchery that I’d witnessed the day before was much diminished and looked rather more like it belonged on a body than a cadaver.

There wasn’t much feeling down there even though I’d been getting stabbing pains regularly. I could feel pressure but not touch.
Apparently my depth was quite good — though I wouldn’t know how much I had until the swelling was down and the tissue had settled. I only got to use the littlest stent.

The nurse was patient and very gentle and instilled in me the need for absolute diligence and hygiene when going through my routine — “Twice a day for the first 6 months. We’ll work out how long later.” Sounded an awful lot to me as the first dilation took almost an hour and was a little frightening as there was a bit of blood and stuff. The nurse was very reassuring, “That will all diminish over the next few days.” She affirmed.

“Tonight we’ll do the same and maybe try the next size for a little while.” The nurse advised me smiling compassionately as the tears in my eyes showed my fear and discomfort. “It’s not so bad, everything is going very well, you’ll soon get used to it and it won’t be so scary.” She squeezed my arm and tidied me up; leaving with all the paraphernalia under a towel on a tray. I never wanted to see them again. But I knew I would.

Mum and dad must have been waiting outside as they appeared almost immediately, both looked concerned when they saw my tears. Mum gave me a huge hug and dad hugged us both. My tears flowed for a few minutes as my self centeredness gave vent, then I realised that this was what I wanted and I sucked it up a bit.
“Sorry, I just feel a bit sorry for myself but I shouldn’t, I wanted this so much, it’s just hard to go through and I’m not very brave.” I felt the tears stinging my eyes again.
I shook my head and smiled at the frowns on my parent’s faces. “Sorry, I’ll be ok in a minute.”

I could sense two different emotions coming from mum and dad — Dad was way out of his comfort zone and was giving off sympathetic pain signals.
Mum was giving off woman vibes, compassion mixed with understanding of the intrusion into my body that had occurred.

I’d like to say that the evening session was less traumatic, but when I saw the size of stent #2 it made me feel a little sick. When you realise you’ve got to stick it into yourself in a space that wasn’t there a few days ago and is essentially a large gaping wound, it’s really hard to be dispassionate about it — however it went in surprisingly easily and I felt a bit better about it. The nurse gave me a huge smile and said “There you go, you managed to relax and it went right in. Good Girl. Now we’ll get you cleaned up and you can settle down for the evening.” So much for Christmas Eve — I got to pay with my new toy and managed to play hide and seek with a large (to me) imitation penis…
I didn’t feel very girly I had to admit. Though I did feel a lot better about dilation.
Christmas day seemed to arrive before I could come round, I felt really quite tired and almost drugged. The nurse helped me to the bathroom and checked my vital signs. “No, you’re quite fine, your temp and blood pressure are ideal, I think you’ve just come down off your operation tension. You’ve relaxed, now you realise you’re over the worst. This is a good thing — do not worry. After breakfast we will do your exercises again and then Beth and Mike will be here to wish you a Gutte Noel.”

And so it came to pass that two hours later, the breakfast had been consumed, the dilation been carried out and the doctor had been to study his protégé…
Except…

“Now I’d like you to lie back while I just check that all is as it should be.”
I didn’t like the look of this, the doctor was washing his hands and the nurse had plonked a tray down with a pair of latex gloves next to the bed.
The nurse prepared my position as before — like I was about to be serviced!!!
“Relax Jenny, this will not take long and I promise it won’t hurt.” The nurse smiled at me and squeezed my arm. I felt like I was about to be sacrificed ..

The doctor slipped on the gloves, tears sprang to my eyes.. what is wrong with me?
I suddenly felt like all the other women in the world — vulnerable.

The doctor suddenly noticed my fear.
“Oh Jenny, I am sorry, I should have prepared you for what I’m about to do.
I’m just going to inspect the outer labia and the area around the clitoris for adhesions and split stitches. I am not going to go any further, I promise you.” He tried to be as reassuring as he could be.

I could feel my heart rate diminishing — I had felt I was about to be violated — without my permission — and that had really upset me — the doctor paused and looked at me.
“Is it ok if I carry on Jenny? I’ll postpone it til tonight if you like, but I’d like to make sure that any stitches that may have split be repaired before you move to the other clinic.”

I bit my lip and nodded for him to carry on, I closed my eyes and turned my head away. I was not really ready but I would be brave.
Two minutes later it was over and to be honest I hadn’t really felt much at all — just a really sharp feeling as he touched my clitoris and a sort of tugging around the area.
He’d noticed me jump when he touched my clitoris and said quietly, “You have sensation there; that is very good.”
“Right nurse, I think that is me finished — I’m off home for my Christmas Breakfast and Church.
You young lady, may transfer to the nursing clinic and you may eat whatever you wish today. You are healing as well as anyone I’ve ever seen and I think you can relax and enjoy your Christmas.” He smiled. “I shall see you for a few moments this evening and check that all is well.” He removed his gloves and disposed of them and then turned back to me. “Bis spater.” (“til later” the nurse translated to me after)

He chucked me under the chin and gave me the warmest smile I’d seen from him. I smiled back. “Thank you doctor, I’m sorry I was a bit nervous, it’s all a bit overwhelming. I’m not sure which way is up at the moment.”

“That’s ok, see you later.” He turned and walked out of the room.

I lay back as the nurse pulled up the covers and tucked me in.

Mum and dad appeared like magic. “We just spoke to the doctor, he’s very happy with you.” Mum gave me a hug and dad waved from further back as he deposited a couple of wrapped boxes on the bedside unit.

“Happy Christmas Darling,” dad hugged me and made sure my cuddles were topped right up to overflowing.

“You’re looking a much better colour this morning — we can see the sparkle in your eye again.” Mum settled into the chair next to the bed.

“I think that could be something to do with the very embarrassing inspection the doctor just gave me.” I volunteered.
Dad’s eyes opened so wide I thought they were about to fall out onto his cheek.

“Too much information darling,” mum admonished.

“Oh sorry, but it took me a bit by surprise as well.”

Dad changed the subject and plonked the pressies on the bed. “Right these are from me and your mum.” He reached into his pocket, “and this is from the girls,” placing a bright red packet on the bed “and this is from Nigel,” as his hand dipped into his pocket again and pulled out a longish box tied up with a ribbon.

I was eager to open mum and dad’s pressie but I thought I’d save it til last and opened Nigel’s first. I was surprised to find a beautiful Scheaffer pen, it must have cost him a week’s tips at the restaurant. “Wow, that’s lovely, isn’t he a sweetie?” I put it to one side and went for the Girls’ pressie. Inside was a bottle of Chanel#5 “Wow again.”
I looked at the two small boxes that were mum and dad’s pressie — they felt like jewellery boxes and I was not disappointed. Dad’s was a gold necklace. Mums was a pair of diamond studs. REAL diamonds.

I burst into tears, “They’re so lovely, thank you thank you thank you.” I grabbed mum round the neck and hugged her until she cried for air! Then dad got the same.
“I must be the luckiest girl in the world.”

I could see mum and dad’s eyes were floating in liquid too and we all sat there looking silly for a while until mum said. “Let’s see how these studs fit eh?”
In a jiffy I had the necklace on too and I felt like a real princess!