Every now and then, our subconscious may well tell us things we need to know.

"Honey." I don’t know how many times she’d tried to wake me, but that got through.

"Ya, wha." I found myself sitting up already, but it was difficult waking up fully.

"Honey, are you awake now?"

"I–I think so, love. What’s up?"

"You were doing it again, honey."

I guess I still wasn’t tracking well, "Again?"

She pointed at the little brown teddy bear in my lap. "You were holding Teddy to your chest again, and rocking her."

"But, she was across the room on her stand when we went to sleep last night."

"I know, but I came back from the bathroom and there you were, sitting with her in your arms."

I shook my head. This was the third time it had happened–as far as we knew. There I went qualifying things, even in my head. "I don’t know what to say, Luce. I’d rather not, since you gave me Teddy, but maybe we need to get rid of her."

"No, Sam. I don’t think that’s the answer. Maybe you’re feeling some of the same thing I am with our kids growing up and not needing us so much. You were always so much help when they were children."

Yeah, that could be part of it. But, maybe my subconscious was telling me I had to come clean too. But it’s so hard. "I have felt a little left out the last few years. Though, Genny’s been talking to me more from college, well at least IM-ing me anyway."

Luce laughed at that; "Here, let me put Teddy back on her stand."

I handed her the little bear. "I remember when you first gave her to me, Luce. Believe it or not, it was the only stuffed animal anyone ever gave me. No, the second. I had a sock monkey when I was a kid."

Luce laughed some more, "Yeah, your folks still tell stories about how you took that monkey everywhere, well, until it fell apart."

I nodded.

"But, you’re serious that you never had any other animals?"

"No, just the monkey and Teddy. I doubly treasured Teddy, because you gave her to me, of course."

Her laugh, as always, was good to hear. "I’ll go put Teddy on her stand again. But, if this keeps up, I think we need to find out if something serious is bothering you."

It was, but I didn’t know how to tell her. Was this my subconscious’ way of telling me to get it over with? I just didn’t know whether I could. Twenty five years ago, I’d been ready. It would have been hard, but I was ready. Now, after having hidden things so long, I didn’t know if I could.

The rest of the night was uneventful, as far as I know. There I go again. The episode didn’t come up over breakfast anyway. The next several weeks were pretty quiet as well. Our first grandchild was due in another four months, and we were both looking forward to spoiling the kid. After all, that’s a grandparent’s prerogative, isn’t it? I began to relax, thinking those three occurrences were a freak and I could go on hiding my secret.

Then, it happened again.

"Honey."

"Ya, wha." I found myself sitting up already, "Not again?" I looked down, and there was Teddy, cradled safely in my arms.

"Sam, are you all right?"

"I–I think so, Luce. How did Teddy get here?"

"You walked over and got her, Honey. I stirred when you got up, and was just getting back to sleep when you came back from that side of the room, instead of the bathroom. That’s when I sat up, and tried to wake you."

"I don’t know what to say, Luce. I don’t remember any of this." Looking down, "But, I can see it happened." I sighed.

"We need to find out why it’s happening, Sam. I don’t want you getting hurt walking around." she said, with concern in her voice. "You’ve never walked in your sleep before, that I know of."

"I dunno, Love." No, I think I do actually. "I don’t think I’ve ever sleep-walked before either, or before these episodes with Teddy anyway."

"Maybe we should see a doctor?"

This was it. I know we’re both tired, but, maybe if I tell her, she’ll at least understand. She may hate me, but understand.

"I think…" I started. "I think I know one thing that’s contributing to this Luce." I quietly said.

"Oh?" She leaned over a little closer.

"Luce, I love you more than anything in the world, and I love our kids almost as much. You know that, don’t you?"

"Of course, silly. You tell me, and show me, that in so many ways every day. What does that have to do with Teddy?"

"With Teddy? Nothing directly. I just needed to say it again." I smiled.

"Luce, remember when I was seeing that shrink before getting out of the Corps?"

"Yeah, you said you had some issues you needed to work out that you didn’t want to talk to a military doctor about."

"I did. I learned some things about myself back then, Luce. Stuff that I’ve not shared with you before. But, what I learned was a big reason why I decided to get out of the Corps completely and not go into the reserves like they encouraged me."

"You were pressured pretty hard back then; I remember, first to stay in, then to go into the reserves. What did you learn that made you refuse?"

"It’s hard to tell you after all these years, Luce, but I’ll get it out." I took a deep breath, and continued. "I’m different from most guys, Luce."

"I know, that’s one of the things I love so much about you, Sam. You’re always there."

"That’s not exactly what I meant, but I guess it’s part of it." I took a breath, and looked at the floor. I couldn’t look at her, and see the shock that was sure to be there. "Luce, I’m what they call a transsexual, someone that has the mind of a woman locked in a man’s body."

She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, and fearing for the worst, I got up.

"Where are you going, Sam?"

"I, I was leaving. I, I didn’t think you’d want me around after that."

"Why on earth would I want you to go? Come here, you silly man, well person."

I couldn’t believe my ears. I wasn’t being thrown out. When I sat down, she hugged me tight. "This explains so many things, honey. Thank you for finally sharing with me." I jerked a little at the word finally.

"I’m sorry, once you were pregnant with Sammy, I just couldn’t tell you, or go through with it."

"Through with it?"

"I, I was going to try what they call a real-life-test, and live as a girl full time while taking classes Luce. That night, when you told me you were pregnant, remember I said I had something I wanted to say?"

She was quiet a few minutes. "Now that you mention it, I do. Why didn’t you tell me then, or before, for that matter?"

"I didn’t know how before, and once Sammy was on the way, I couldn’t." I choked up at that. "I loved you so much, I couldn’t see you having to raise our kid on your own, so I just kept on pretending, and helped any way I could."

"Oh, honey. I wish you’d have told me, we could have worked something out."

"Maybe, but back then, I was told we’d have to separate if I transitioned. I didn’t want to loose you, so I chickened out. I’m sorry."

Our conversation went on that way, for at least an hour. I couldn’t believe that she was sounding so supportive. No, she’d always been supportive of folks. She was the first member of my family to reach out to my cousin when he came out as gay. That alone, should have been a hint to me.

"Don’t worry, Sam. The TWO of us will get through what we need to, whatever that may be."

I hugged my dear spouse, and, we must have gone to sleep, because a few hours later, we woke back up still cuddling. Life would be different from now on. How, I didn’t know; but I did know, that with my rock to back me up, I could do whatever needed to be done.