As I rounded the corner and walked towards my cubicle I felt as if I was being watched. Not unusual, you’re thinking, because people always watch people, especially as they come to work. Well, in my case I ceased to be watched just after being hired. That was three long hard years ago. I kept to myself, did my work and talked to no one about anything other than work.
 

As I rounded the corner and walked towards my cubicle I felt as if I was being watched. Not unusual, you’re thinking, because people always watch people, especially as they come to work. Well, in my case I ceased to be watched just after being hired. That was three long hard years ago. I kept to myself, did my work and talked to no one about anything other than work.

Yea, I’m that person in the office that everyone ignores. To most people it is irritating but not to me. Instead I revel in the solitude. I don’t need to impress my co-workers with flattering words and meaningless platitudes. Instead I do my job, collect my pay and live my own life, such as it is. Yet today I felt eyes on me as I walked towards my cubicle.

When I turned my head to see who was looking, I saw no one and nothing out of the ordinary. Yet the feeling persisted. It persisted until I entered my cubicle and saw flowers of all things. I looked at the flowers and then glanced over the tops of the cubicles. No one was looking my way. In fact it was almost eerily quiet in the place. Like someone holding their breath.

Seeing no one, I looked at the flowers and noticed a card. I carefully removed the card and read the contents. I was curious to see if the flowers were for one of the ladies so I could put them on the right desk. What I read was confusing.

I wondered what that meant, but as the flowers were not mine I wasted no time in trying to figure out some love struck person’s mind. Instead I looked for the most likely recipient of the flowers and with an inward ah ha, I figured out where the flowers belonged, the new admin secretary. I had overheard a couple of the guys talking about her, seems she had been dumped and they were eager to date her. Yea, that was it, the new admin secretary.

Looking to be sure her desk was unoccupied I returned the card to its place and hurried to her desk. I was lucky and had the flowers placed on the desk and was back in my cubicle when I heard her yell out. “Oh my God, someone sent me flowers. Aren’t they pretty! There’s even a card.” I peaked over the top of the cubicle and saw her waving the card in the air. I smiled as I sat down thinking ‘Mission accomplished.’ Without another thought I turned on my computer and logged into the system. Another work day started.

I was working on a budget analysis for an upcoming project and needed a break. I had sat hunched over a computer monitor for all of two hours. It was after ten and I needed to stretch. I shoved my feet into my sandals and pushing my chair back, I stood and stretched. It was only the intake of another persons’ breath that caused me to turn and look. I saw the admin secretary holding the flowers and smiling. I nodded and turned to step past her. As I stepped to her side, she said “See my flowers. Aren’t they pretty?” Again I nodded, trying to step around her. “Uh, you don’t know who sent them, do you?” I shook my head ‘No’ and as she looked down at the flowers, I stepped past her and headed towards the staff rest rooms. I heard “Hey, wait.” as I turned the corner and continued my journey.

I made it past the staff break room and reached for the door marked stairwell. A quick glance told me that I was alone and I pushed the door open and headed up one flight. I entered a carpeted hallway and went immediately to the door marked ‘Men’. I listened for sounds and hearing none, I entered. I moved into a stall and locking the door, did my business. After flushing, I washed my hands and exited. I returned to the floor below and threaded my way to my cubicle. Work was waiting.

I worked straight through till 2 PM then I logged off the system and closed out my open files. I saved my work and gathered my few personal items before heading for home. I work an abbreviated, call it a short shift and my hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. There’s no dress code so I can wear baggies and a hoodie to hide my deformity. I looked over the cubicles and threaded my way to the door. In the small lobby I waited for an elevator, my ride to the ground floor and home.

I pulled my hood over my head as I exited the building and hunched my shoulders. My small pack was over my left arm and I held the strap in my hand. I joined the throng of people on the sidewalk and made my way to the bus stop. Flashing my bus pass, I climbed on board and found an empty seat. I kept my head down as the bus roared into life and my journey home began again. I counted the stops and at the right number, I glanced up to see my stop looming before me. I stood and made my way to the door. I heard snippets of conversation, but mostly ignored them. What people said was not important to me. I was the official outcast of the city and I had heard it all before. I exited the bus as the door opened and continued on foot to my destination.

I live in the warehouse district in an old seemingly abandoned building. I inherited the building from my grandmother and as the taxes are paid up and it has a nice owners’ apartment built in, I took up residence. I live alone and with the exception of the occasional police officer questioning why I am in the area, I live unmolested. I undressed and headed for the bathroom and a shower. I turned on the shower as I undressed and tossed my clothes into the hamper. I adjusted the water temp and got under the stream. I washed my hair and used my conditioner then washed my body. As a hand went over my nipple, I felt it stiffen and saw goose bumps start to appear on my chest. My other nipple stiffened too, but I dismissed this and continued to wash and rinse off the soap and rinse out the conditioner. I dried myself off and covered my disfigured body with a robe.

In my bedroom, I pulled on pajamas and then went to the kitchen. I fixed myself a late lunch/early dinner and sat in front of the TV as I ate. I watched the news channel and again saw that really nothing was new. It was the same old thing. After finishing my meal, I cleaned up the kitchen and grabbing a beer, returned to sit in front of the TV. I was going to see a Pay-Per-View and settled down to watch the action.

I must have fallen asleep cause the next thing I knew I was in my bed. I couldn’t remember going to bed and that meant only one thing, my brother. Darn! Even though I had been disowned by my family my brother tried to keep tabs on me. I had been avoiding him for a while and now it seems he had come to me. Darn again! I struggled from under the covers and looked at the clock. It was 6:43 AM. I panicked then realized it was Saturday and no work today. Darn for the third time. That meant my brother would be here for the whole day and possibly the weekend. Unless.

Awake now, there was only one thing to do and I got out of bed to do it. I pulled on my robe and headed to the living room. Yup, my brother James was asleep on the couch. After confirming this tragedy I went to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. As it brewed I gathered the required stuff to fix myself a cup. I set out another cup for my brother and waited for the coffee to finish. I used that time to review my last encounter with my brother and nothing good came out of it again. That only made me curious as to why he had come to see me. I mean I was renounced and disowned by my family, well except for Gram and no one ever called or wrote to me. Not even during the holidays. I was alone in the world and knew that’s how I’d die. Alone. At barely 27 years old I was adrift in the current of humanity. No anchor, no place to call home except for my building and no family ties. That again brought up the question why my brother, not one of my many admirers, was sleeping on my couch.

I took my cup and headed for my room and a morning shower. The hot water running over my scared body would wake me up and allow me to think. And I had plenty to think about. I turned on the water and pulled out clothes as I waited for the hot water to run. Checking the temp I adjusted the water flow and stripping away my clothes, I got under the water. This time I didn’t wash my hair, just my badly scared body. I finished my shower, dried off and dressed. Gathering my coffee cup, I went back to the kitchen noting that my brother was still asleep on the couch.

Well, I had to beard the lion at some point, so I refilled my cup and went over to the couch. I stood looking at him sleeping. He was such a beautiful boy, well young man. How I ached as I remembered our childhood. We were inseparable. Inseparable until my body started to change. Then along with the rest of the family he cast me from his life. So, why was he here?

I prodded his arm and called his name. “James.” Nothing, so I called out again. “James. Wake up!” This time louder. “JAMES!” He started to stir and I moved back a couple of feet as he stirred. He stopped moving and I called his name again. “James!” This time he actually sat up and looked around. I backed off again wondering how he was going to react towards me. Like I said our last meeting wasn’t too pleasant.

He stretched and looked around and as his eyes looked at me I cringed. Sure he was supposed to be my twin, but that was the past. Now I was just worried. He gave me a lopsided smile and said “Uh, any more of that coffee?”

“In the kitchen. You want it, you get it.” I gestured towards the kitchen as I added, “Cup’s on the counter. Fill it, then tell me why you’re here.”

He got to his feet and stretched again, then looking around he moved toward the kitchen. I heard him pour the coffee and the sound of a spoon being knocked on the side of a cup. A moment later he reappeared in the living room. “Good coffee.” Was all he said as he watched me.

“Great, you came all this way for coffee. Drink up and get out.” I wouldn’t look at him, but added “Oh yea, how’d you get in?” That’s when I noticed a bunch of keys on the side table and quickly grabbed them.

“Hey, give them back.”

I nodded as I twisted a copy of my door key from his collection and threw the rest at him. “Sure, now finish your coffee and get out.”

He smile and raised his cup to his lips and took a sip. “I will when, uh after I tell you why I’m here.”

I looked back at his face and said “I don’t care why you’re here. It was you that got me kicked out of the family. Just leave me the hell alone. In case you’ve forgotten, I was disowned.”

His shoulders seemed to sag and he said “Yea, about that.”

I wasn’t listening and replied “There’s nothing about that. Just get the hell out of my life. It’s your fault this happened to me.” I gestured with my free hand at myself and added “Did you think I wanted this to happen?”

I felt a tear in the corner of my eye and ran to my room. I slammed the door and sat on the bed remembering.

My brothers had overheard mom talking to one of her friends. She had mentioned some regret for not having a girl to raise, but since she had to have a Hysterectomy after my brother and I were born, she was unable to get pregnant again. Whatever possessed my brothers, only god knows? I was the youngest and my mother fussed over me. A strange idea formed in their heads. I would be the daughter mom wanted. I was after all the youngest, being born 32 minutes after James and I was smallest. They also thought that I had the ideal girl’s name, Taylor. Mom used the same name for me and James, except she made our names backwards. He is James Taylor and I’m Taylor James

Luckily for me Gram had given me this building when I was 16 and so I moved in and enrolled in a local college. I studied and earned a degree in Mathematics and after earning a Master’s Degree, I found a suitable job. The dress code was lax and the hours were flexible. I had only seen my brother twice in the intervening years and both times were not good. One was to sign away my share of my inheritance and the other was to tell me that dad had died.

So now I wondered what was up.

I heard a knock on my door and looked up. The door opened and my brother asked “Are you all right?”

“No, I’m not alright as you put it. Just what the hell do you want his time? Last time was bad enough. I didn’t even get to go to the funeral. So now is this more of your crap?”

My brother moved to sit beside me and the taking a deep breath said “Mom has cancer. Bad cancer and she wants to see you before she dies.” He looked like he wanted to say more but didn’t.

I looked at him and sobbed out “Mom’s dying. So what am I supposed to do? She’s never forgiven me for what you and Teddy did to me. She put the blame on me and you two let it there. Well, she can just die for all I care!” I shouted out my anger.

He hadn’t moved as I ranted. Then quietly he said “Teddy and I told mom. Last year. We told her everything. She’s mad as heck with us and she sent me after you.” He looked at my face as he said “Please come home. For mom’s sake. She wants to see you before she dies.” When I didn’t immediately respond, he added “She said to tell you she’s sorry and that she loves you.” I was crying as he added. “She wants to see her daughter.”

I stopped. It was like my breathing just stopped. I shook my head to clear the cobwebs or whatever was blocking my head. James was smiling at me and I guess I just looked dumb. Trying to remember what he said I repeated what I thought I heard. “Daughter. You said she wants to see her daughter?”

He nodded ‘yes’ and added “That’s right. I’ve been sent to bring you home to mom.”

I sat there like the proverbial lump as James watched me. The word daughter kept banging around in my head. Daughter, DAUghter, DAUGHTER, DaughTER. Listening to the echoes in my brain pan, I looked at James and said “No, not today, not ever. Mom doesn’t have a daughter. She had three sons, but one died. Tell her that you couldn’t find me. Tell her…whatever. Just tell her. No daughter.”

James’s face was filled with disbelief as he said “I thought this was what you wanted? This is what we gave you them pills for. To make mom happy, give mom a daughter. Now, when she needs you, you say no? What kind of a daughter are you?”

I hopped off the bed and looked at his face. He looked like he was going to cry. I wouldn’t let that influence my decision. I said, evenly “I only wanted to be who and what I was. It was your bright idea to turn me into a girl with them pills, not mine. Heck if you had something at the time I would have freaked and you know it. No, you and Teddy” Again I gestured at my body. “did this to me. You tell me what kind of daughter that makes me?” I yanked open my robe and heard him gasp as he looked at my chest.

“My God, what are the scars from? Do they hurt?”

I stood there looking at him, then said “Elective mastectomy, bilateral, and no they don’t hurt.”

“Huh?”

I sighed and said “In plain terms I had my boobs cut off.” I swear he turned white as a sheet as he looked at my chest and I added “So I could pass as a man.”

I heard him say softly “Oh.”

I pulled on a shirt, left the room and went to the kitchen. I heard a door close and the sound of running water. A few minutes later James reappeared in the living room. He was sporting a sad look and said “So, what do I tell Mom?”

I looked at him and replied “Tell her what I said. I’m no one’s’ daughter and never will be. If she wants to see her son, YOUR twin brother, let me know, otherwise…”

A look of sadness flashed over James as he said “Sure, I’ll go and deliver the message. I just hope she…never mind, I’ll just go.” He gathered his possessions and went out the door stopping long enough to add “By the way, mom sent you flowers. Hope you liked them.” Pulling it closed behind him he left me standing there. I ran to my room and cried.

The cold irony was that after my surgery I was karyotyped and it turns out that I’m an XX.

Mommy, hold me, please!
 
 

Author's Note: Please forgive me. I checked my editing and saw that I forgot certain formatting. I hope this makes it easier to read. BrandieS