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By
BrandieS
I got it all figured out. See it’s the food. Mom’s put food on your plate. You push it around and if you’re lucky, some of it falls off. But then, your dad gets mad and yells at you, something like “Quit playing with your damned food. Just pick up the damned fork and eat.” Then for good measure, he glares at you.
Mom smiles a thin smile and says “Do what your dad says, Honey.” So dutifully you pick up your fork and take a bite of the food. You take your time chewing and then take a drink of whatever you have at mealtime. Of course, this brings on another outburst from your dad.
“Don’t think you can fill up on that swill. Eat, damn it!” You put down the glass and grab the fork careful to make sure he sees you putting the food in your mouth.
Dad finishes his meal and get up from the table. Mom looks over at you and smiles. “Just finish up, Sweetie.” She finishes her meal and goes to the kitchen. You sit there pushing your food around and finally get up and carry your plate to the kitchen. You scrape it off in the trash and put the empty dish on the counter. Mom smiles. She knows the truth.
You go to your bedroom, stopping on the way to use the bathroom. The toilet seat is raised and you open your mouth. One finger reaches in and you press the back of your throat. Nothing. A second finger is added and the pressure increases. It takes a few tries, but success. You vomit out all of the nasty food. There is a silly smile on your face as you rinse out your mouth and spit into the toilet. You take satisfaction in knowing that even if you have to eat the food, you can puke it up. You flush the toilet and go to your bedroom.
You may have had to eat the food, but you got rid of it. There’s no way that nasty food will make you grow up to be a stupid boy!
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Comments
Rejecting food
Hi, Brandie,
Wow! That lil story hit a few bad, old memories....
Thanks,
Michelle
Thany you
for your words. Glad to see that I'm being well received.
Whether on pleasant or unpleasant topics, your stories always ..
are worth a read.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I think you might have hit a nerve here.
Although, I suspect in many cases the reverse is true. One might eat beyond sensibility in order to blunt the thoughts of the inevitable. And, being overweight tends to blur some of the physical gender markers, so once overweight so many struggle with ambivalence over losing the weight.
One thing is sure. "Normal" is not a word many of us find applicable to ourselves.
Thanks, Brandi, I've been rereading some of your stories of late and have been remiss in commenting as I go along. I can't say I always enjoy them, because I search for the happy ending. But I truly appreciate your realism and honesty.
Hugs
Carla
I like
happy, too. Yet somethings need to be written down regardless of outcome. Thanks for your comments and I hope you keep reading.
I suspect food
is an issue for many transgendered people. I've always tended toward obesity but had a brief stint with bulimia back in the 80's after I'd supposedly started working on my eating compulsion (Ice cream is weird. Cold going down, cold coming up...) My Overeaters Anonymous sponsor Terri gave me a book called WOMEN, SEXUALITY & ADDICTION. Said, "this applies to you if it applies to anybody" and wouldn't hear my feeble closeted protests. I don't remember much about it but it seemed to really define my relationship to food, my body, drugs, sex and a lot of other stuff. So it's good to see it addressed in this deceptively simple little 2nd-person story...
I touched on these matters briefly once in my writing. Buried in my chaotic grab-bag of a story Misty Walters is this: Linda Rolfman kept shooting an evil glance my way. It was sad to think that after all this time she still had a problem with me, despite the way we'd bared our souls to each other when I visited her in rehab. Or---come to think of it---maybe because of that visit. From as snippy as she'd been with everyone recently I knew she was back into the bulimia. My heart went out to her. Despite the humor we all find in someone puking, it's a miserable and even possibly deadly illness. As I had confessed to Linda I'd had my own battle with that demon, back when I was still Walter. On some level I had been delighted to find myself in the clutches of a girl's behavioral disorder. Like this helped prove that I was really female. But when it was decided that I could go on testosterone blockers and actually start living my life as Misty, my bulimia---that spurious connection to some pathetic sense of femininity---lost its romance for me. I now had reasons to be better than that, to face my compulsions...
~~~hugs, recovery (for them that needs it); Laika
What borders on pure insanity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
I read the story, and... I'm
I read the story, and... I'm not sure if I like it or not. Strange, because I usually don't have any problem deciding if I like a story or not. It's an 'odd' story, and I think I'll have to read it a few more times before I make up my mind.
BTW, the opinions expressed in this comment are mine and mine alone. If I say something is odd to me, it's most likely because I'm 'odd'.
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue
Purging is not a positive act.
RAMI
Brandie - I hope you are not suggesting that purgigng is good. Or that someone with gender confusion should take risky action. It seems your protagonist is enjoying this.
From what other commentors have said, maybe I am missing something. But I do not think so.
This is one of the few stories that I did not vote for that I commented on, so there must be something here that reached me.
RAMI
RAMI
I hope you're not ...
... making a moral judgement on the story because of the risky business of purging. Because a character enjoys or justifies a behavior says absolutely nothing about what the author thinks. In this case, the author has stayed invisible and it is up to each reader to decide what the actions of the character mean.
My take on the story: People with GID will do many risky things because their judgement is impaired by the stress they are under. I think this is very true to life, not just for GID but for things like PTSD and other mental and emotional syndromes that interact with the body. This story makes that point, to me, in a very direct and visceral way.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Making Moral Judgments - Purging.
RAMI
Erin
As I said I was perplexed by the story and my reaction. I think we all make some type of judgment of stories we read, if they raise issues where a judgment is called for and can be made. Stories on this site often raise such issues.
You stated that, "In this case, the author has stayed invisible and it is up to each reader to decide what the actions of the character mean." Taking your premise as true, that here the author's point of view was invisible, would your argument about making a moral judgment be different, if the author was openly advocating the risky business of purging or cutting, or similar dangerous activity?
If I thought that the author was actively doing that, my reaction to the story would have been greater and more negative.
The point may be as you said it that people with GID do risky things. Clearly the child in the story is doing so, and needs help. Someone needs to be there, before the reckless activity does permanent harm.
RAMI
RAMI
The Morality of Writing
You asked: "Taking your premise as true, that here the author's point of view was invisible, would your argument about making a moral judgment be different, if the author was openly advocating the risky business of purging or cutting, or similar dangerous activity?"
My view would not change. This does not mean that my view is what you think it is. The same applies to an author who apparently advocates such things. This is the point I try to make.
I once wrote a comic book story in which a rascist character made some reasoned and eloquent arguments for rascism. Scared the hell out of a lot of my friends but my point was that not everyone who does evil has consciously chosen evil. The thing that disturbed my readers is that they realized that they could not simply argue with such a person and that their own reactions were emotional not rational.
Questions of morality have to be asked and a good piece of fiction can be where to ask them. But making a moral judgement about the intent of the author being parallel to the purposes of one of the characters can be a trapdoor into misunderstanding what the question actually is.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
When my life exploded
As is fairly typical with T folks, my own life just exploded when I came out. No, I am not going to bore you with all the whiny details tonight. For a while I was cutting my arms with great satisfaction, until I found out that shrinks get very pissed at you for doing that, times 2.
Later, I met a really nice kid who was Skitz when he is not on his meds. Geeze, he looked like he'd jumped in a thresher. Ever since, I am very aware of what a timid, meek little novice I am.
Gwendolyn
curious
I wasn't going to, had no intention, but there was a comment right there as I did another, so I peeked and it was short and... what? Sly, subtle, sad, messed up... a bunch of other words I can't think off right now?
See I like food, it's one of my freedoms, I like to make a meal with good ingredients and eat it and maybe feed others and have them enjoy. No chef but I can cook and I like to, so I never got bulimia or anorexia, just not me. I suppose I could go a spare tyre if I allowed it. Yet other 'anxieties' or pressures I sort of get, because they fit me. Funny how that works.
Yet that last line, I can see it. It's twisted and cruel and sad, but I can see it. Which is a testament to Brandie. You made me see something in a way I could 'get' that I couldn't quite before.
Kristina
I thank you
from the bottom of my heart for reading my story. In my life I have observed various types of behavior. I do not advocate self-destructive behavior, yet I recognize that people, being what they are, often engage in self-destructive behavior.
My story is just that...a story. I let you draw your own conclusions and ideas just as you allow me to interpret your writings.
Again I say THANK YOU for reading and commenting.
The Unstated Admonition
To everyone who "gets" this story, I apologize for being about to state the utter obvious...
Just in case it somehow skipped the notice of some, though, this what our protagonist has heard at every family dinner: "Eat your food, Son, if you want to grow up to be a big, strong boy!"
The connections we make between things as children, and the way we learn to cope with them, often result in some very creative "solutions" that can last a lifetime. Humans are very creative in seeking ways to survive, in our heads if not always in our bodies or social environments. Such is the source of much tragedy. It would be nice if we could recognize the fragility and essence of each other, especially parents of their children.
Food & Puberty
I'm not sure exactly where I'd heard it, but I remember hearing something about how not eating could delay the effects of puberty. For me, anything that would delay me turning into a muscular, hairy man seemed to be worth the risk ... so I stopped eating. Not completely. I knew if my parents thought I was anorexic, they'd take steps to force me to eat. So, I was just careful. I'd only eat a little, just enough so that nobody would think I was starving myself.
I got pretty skinny. I also developed some health problems, which may or may not have been directly related to my eating habits. It wasn't the best way of attempting to ward off the effects of testosterone, but it was the only thing I could think of, so I kept at it. If I had known about some of the medication available to inhibit the effects of puberty, I may have tried that instead.