Little Pink Pills

Part Twenty-Six, by Michelle Wilder

Look around / leaves are brown
And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.

Hang on to your hopes / my friend
That's an easy thing to say

but if your hopes should pass away
Simply pretend that you can build them again.

(Hazy Shade of Winter, by Paul Simon)

(Revised and reposted)

----

She stood back, still holding me. "Do you like it?"

It was something I'd never thought she'd say, something different than any of the horrible stuff and good stuff. Way too much like what I'd been feeling, that I had to ask....

I had to think, or stop all the stupid things... in between the laughing and freaking out and stuff... and I finally relaxed.

I felt a shiver that turned into a wave of cold and weakness.

And dark.

----

It turns out that standing on one foot and being really ~really~ nervous and holding a pose is a good way to faint. For me, anyway.

Laying down is a good way to fix it, too. Mom and Dad mentioned that while I stopped feeling like falling down, even lying flat on my back on the rug.

----

It took about ten minutes before I felt perfect, and couple more before Val said my hair was okay again.

Mom laughed the whole time and waved a newspaper section in my face and Brenda giggled and patted my hand like in an old movie.

After I figured out why, I draped my other arm across my forehead and fluttered my eyes. Very Hollywood. Even with Val smacking it away.

"Okay, if you're well enough to vamp for your fans..." Mom sounded silly-fed-up.

"Vamp?" Brenda and I both asked. Val laughed.

"Never mind." Mom grinned. "Are you feeling all better?" She grinned at me while she felt my forehead, so I guess she thought so. I grinned back.

"Standing still, balancing: bad. Got it."

She laughed and smiled. Dad was in the big chair where I'd been standing and he smiled at me too.

"You never said." Mom changed tone to serious again. Good, smiles... but serious. "Do you like the way you look?"

I nodded.

What I would have done before, I didn't know. What I would have said didn't matter either.

"Do you think Carson would like this? I mean... me... like- in this?" I had to smile at the idea of her in a fuzzy sweater.

Dad really smiled. So big it was like the best answer. Mom still said she thought so.

Val and Brenda broke up, just from happy tension. Brenda way more.

----

Brenda called Carson's house and got Jerri and said for her to get Carson to come over after she got back from wherever she was, and she should come too. She didn't say why or anything, but giggled the whole time.

"Yes! It's important and... No, it's not bad and... yes.... Look! You're gonna love it! Really! Just come over here, okay!?"

She laughed out loud at something. "I'm not telling you anything! Wha... Same to you!"

She still laughed after she hung up and turned and then suddenly quieted down and looked all serene or calm and sat slowly in the armchair again and looked at us.

"They should be here any time after four-thirty."

Then she broke up again and had to talk through her giggles. "I can't ~wait~ to see her ~face~!!"

----

Dad made everyone else leave us alone and he cuddled me under his arm. We were on the sofa with my leg stretched out, which was harder in the skirt than usual, so it was both legs.

It was really quiet after all the noise and excitement, which was in the kitchen right then.

"You smell nice."

I had to think. "I think it's the hairspray... Val used... or the powder... it's pretty."

He nodded and I felt it on my hair. "You look pretty, too, you know."

I had to think about that too. I knew he wouldn't have said it if he didn't really think so. And if it wasn't okay.

"It's okay?" I ducked my chin and closed my eyes. "I mean..."

He patted my arm where his hand was and squeezed tighter. It was half on the sweater and half on my skin. It felt good both ways.

"It's okay. You look very pretty and happy and I think Carson will get a kick out of seeing you like this." He kissed my head. "And ~I~ think your smile is wonderful."

He kissed my head again. "Thank you."

----

Mom and Val made "repairs" to my hair and eyes and stuff and told Dad to stop messing me up, and he had lipstick on his cheek.

----

When the doorbell rang Val and Brenda spazzed and Val dragged me almost into the same pose that we tried before with her beside me, but holding me around the waist more, and I was trying to stand way less tense.

I was way ~more~ tense every other way.

Brenda ran into the kitchen and got them and her and Mom kinda rushed over and sat on the couch so they had a view and Dad looked at all of us and gave me a big smile

And he opened the door. Carson was there.

Carson and Jerri were both there, and Jerri's eyes popped open way before Carson's because she was looking for whatever, and Carse was being polite with Dad.

Then she looked into the room and saw me right away- and looked away, at Val, and then at me again... and her eyes....

I almost spoiled everything by nearly falling down again about then, but her face and eyes were so... incredible!

Dad kinda shooed them both in out of the cold and then shut the door. They were both still just staring, and Jerri had a HUGE smile. I wasn't even looking at her and I could see it.

Carson was still looking at my face. Where I was looking, at hers.

She wasn't smiling. More like her face was... blank. Or everything.

I could feel Val starting to kinda jerk, and Brenda was ~twisting~, she was so excited, but Dad beat them all to it.

"This is what happens here on weekend afternoons...."

Carson was suddenly trying to take off her jacket without un-zipping it, and she toed both shoes off at the same time and never stopped looking at me she looked kinda desperate up till Dad helped her with the zipper, and then she was there.

Beside me.

But she didn't touch me, or kiss me, or hug me. Just stood really, really close and looked, with the strangest smile, finally.

"Wow!" She looked all over, at my legs, or skirt, I guess, and the sweater, and my hands, and... then she looked in my eyes.

"You're so beautiful...."

"No, y-"

"No! ~YOU~ are!!" Brenda yelled at us from the sofa and everyone except Carson and me broke up. And Carson turned red.

----

She kept smiling into my eyes. Her beautiful, beautiful eyes.

After Jerri had her chance to see me up close too, and elbow Carson and say things like "~See~?" Mom and Dad said we could have some privacy.

Dad said he'd be keeping an eye on us, so behave! But he grinned and winked, too. And kissed both our cheeks.

-

It took a long time to talk, 'til after we kissed and after I could stop concentrating on the smell of her and after I got tired from hugging her and safe in the feeling of her arms and the way her chest and neck were so perfect for my head.

A long time.

"I can't believe how you look...."

I smiled at how I wanted to say the same thing she did, and what she'd say if I did. But I didn't. I smiled instead because it made me feel really good to have her look at me that way.

"Thanks. Mom said the same thing."

"You... you look really... beautiful." She almost whispered it, like it was bad, but her eyes were all that it was good. I was looking in her eyes.

"You like... you like how I look? Really?" I was pretty sure, but I needed to hear.

She pulled me close and kissed me, going 'mmmm' in my mouth.

"Yes." Her smile was so... her lips were so soft, so smooth... "I think you're very pretty and I like how you look and like how you're so smiley and how you're... so excited."

She pecked my nose at that and grinned. I realized that the way we were, she could probably tell, even with the girdle, and started to turn a bright red. She chuckled and pecked me again. "Thank you."

I really didn't know what I could say. So I hid in a nice place and breathed her wonderful smells and whispered it was her. She whispered I was welcome and her breath made everything even better.

-

She really liked the feeling of the sweater and softly rubbed it, and me, and she said she'd look silly in something like it but she loved the way I did. I told her I loved the way she touched me, even if I didn't have a sweater on. Then I had to hide again.

----

Carson went to get us drinks and see if she should help with dinner because I told her she just ~couldn't~ not have dinner with us because it took Val and Brenda ~hours~ to get me this way and it wouldn't be fair if she left so soon! She laughed at me and said I was a terrible actress. Even if I was beautiful.

When Jerri came back in, or I guess when she was allowed back in, she came like in a rush with Brenda and Val and I noticed how she was totally... I don't know the word... different, but still almost exactly like Carson? Which was weird since they used to seem so different.

Anyway, she almost ran into the living room and sat on the sofa with me and chattered again about everything I had on and grinned and stared and was sorta mad almost immediately that my lipstick was messed up, like that was important, but Val went and got tissues and the powder and the lipstick and 'repaired' my mouth.

Then she looked and made a "sssss" sound and got more makeup.

"What the heck were you two doing to smear your ~eyeliner~ anyway!?"

-

Jerri was happy again and made Val and me pose again and was all totally... I guess the word would be 'delighted.'

But after a few minutes, she just seemed to be hyper. She couldn't even sit still, and when Carson came back and sat beside me, Jerri stayed in on my other side and almost vibrated. It was weird.

"Jerri?"

She looked at me like I'd caught her or something and then suddenly got sad and took her hands away, like it was wrong we were even touching.

-

I got Val and Brenda to drag her upstairs, and when they were out of earshot Carson told Mom and Dad it was just stuff. I hoped it was.

-

Jerri was crying on Val's bed and they were sitting and back-hugging her. She didn't even look up.

-

"If you don't tell me or Carson or someone, I'll cry." I squeezed her hand more.

Carson hugged her hard from where she'd taken over. Val and Brenda were on the floor.

Jerri looked a look at me like I was crazy. I made a small smile.

"It's true! I've seen her do it!" Val sounded tragic. "Don't make her ruin all my work!"

"She might cry, anyway..." Carson hugged her harder and smiled at me.

"Don't listen to them! She will! I guarantee she will, no matter what!" Brenda kicked at my good leg. "She cries at ~everything~!"

Jerri smiled a little, but it was just at them. We quieted and waited a minute, and I think she saw we weren't stopping being there. She took a small, fast breath and looked down. Then a bigger breath, and that tiny lean thing towards me.

We waited a bit more.

"You all."

She stopped again, but she was getting words. She leaned a bit more, too, and looked at me a second.

"You... you guys all have... have..." She hiccoughed. "You're... together...."

She shuddered and hid her face, curling down.

"But I'm... I'm jus... 'cause Carson and you... ~let~ me... an..."

We all were quiet a second. Brenda looked at me like she didn't understand a thing she'd said. I thought I might.

Val made a noise.

"You're..." She stopped when Jerri hunched up more. Val scootched closer to the bed and took Jerri's hand.

"You think you don't belong? That you're not any of our friend?" Val made a face. "Not a friend of... us?"

Jerri looked up at her, just from the bad grammar.

"Did..." Val looked at us. Me and Carson. "Did Jerri do your makeup stuff? This morning?"

Carson nodded. Val wiggled Jerri's arm.

"Right. And didn't you yell all sorts of awful things at my little sister and make her cry and feel better?" She didn't wait for an answer or wiggle her more.

"And did ~I~ not just haul your sorry butt into ~my~ bedroom?? As in ~invite~ you in?? And I could ~see~ that you appreciated my ~artistry~!" She wiggled, harder, and made Jerri's hand flop on my leg.

"Hunh? Hunh??" She made a huff noise. "Exactly. So you're ~my~ friend at least, okay? And... and I don't know what your connection is to Bren, but she seems to like you."

Brenda petted her leg and made a dumb voice. "Friennnnnd...."

----

All week, Jerri'd been hearing the kids in her classes talk about 'gays and fags and queers,' and she said maybe it wasn't even more than usual but she was listening more because of Carson and me and it was driving her crazy and she hadn't asked anyone about maybe being in the GSA because she was too scared and then on Friday when she finally even said anything about saying names, she'd had a fight with her best friend over her saying 'fag' about some other kid, and Jerri'd said don't say that, and then not wanted to say why, and then another girl had pushed it and Jerri and her friend had fought and Jerri'd spent all day at school in classes with her friend and they hadn't even talked and at the last class, right as she was leaving, a girl walking with her friend had called her a 'fag-lover' and her friend hadn't said anything and Jerri had cried all the way home.

And she'd been afraid to stand up and... well, she didn't know what she was supposed to've said, and she hadn't told anyone and she knew it was what the GSA... why we even met that morning, what it was all about... but she thought she'd let Carson and me down.

And she hadn't told anyone. She'd been lying to everyone. She said.

-

I had an idea.

"She called you a fag lover?" She nodded.

I kissed her wet chin, where I could reach. When she looked at me, I batted my eyes at her.

She stared at me like I was crazy, and everyone made some kinda noise or something and I smiled right in her eyes.

"I love you too."

----

The next part is gonna be without what we were saying,
exactly, mostly because everyone was talking ~way~ more than I could remember, and a little bit because it didn't make sense, really, the way people were talking, and everyone was asking and explaining and answering like "What??" questions.

Carson almost broke my arms she held me so tight, and it was wonderful.

Jerri ended up on the floor with Brenda, who really was more comfy there, leaned back on a pile of pillows from my room. Val went to tell Mom and Dad what it was all about and still wasn't back fifteen minutes later, but maybe she was helping with supper by then, too.

Everyone speculated whether Jerri was just plain more mature and sophisticated than her age group or if we were all socially superior, or if we were all just weird, which I kept trying to bring up and Carson kept biting my neck and shutting me up, which made me provoke her more, and so on, to where I was ~really~ glad I had the girdle thing on.

-

Then I got really unhappy I had the girdle thing on.

I had to go the bathroom and Brenda had to help me get semi-undressed, or at least help to get all the little pad things out and get the girdle thing off. She said it was a stupid idea anyway, with my leg, at least for taking on and off.

Anyway, it took about five minutes, which was a little bit desperate at the end, but I made it. Just. I ~really~ hated it, right then.

-

I kinda thought a lot in the bathroom, just because it was quiet, after the panic.

Jerri and... Brenda. And Jason kissing my cheek. How all the things I was so afraid of just in the morning all seemed like they weren't that bad, or so impossible. I smoothed the sweater down so all the buttons showed just right.

I had to smile in the mirror. Brenda'd had a better idea than the girdle, and I was just wearing three pairs of Val's panties and just four pads, just at the sides. She said it looked fine under the skirt, just not as "womanly" or movie-star-ish.

And it only took about thirty seconds.

-

I checked, and Cathy hadn't emailed me, but Brenda said she didn't check hers every day either, and we might even have the wrong address, or one Cathy didn't use anymore, and we could search more if we had to.

-

When we got back Val was back too, and Carson said they needed help making fun of Jerri's new stupid idea that she was mean to everyone and a bad friend and she was mostly talking about Carson and the way she used to be.

We ~all~ said that was okay, and she was just fulfilling her contractual obligations as little sister, which ~I~ apparently had messed up badly with Val and she scrambled up and hugged me and kissed my cheek all noisy and said I was always sweet and loving and a great disappointment to her in that respect.

Jerri still cried a little, on and off, but she smiled more and more too.

We voted her an honorary seventeen-year old, full member of the gang and official mentor (as a ~much~ more experienced girl, fashion-wise) of her big sister. Even with the goth stuff. We were gonna vote Valerie back to seventeen too, but Brenda said her being immature was more than enough. So we didn't.

Everyone said Jerri probably hadn't wrecked her best friendship. Brenda said she'd had lotsa fights with Crystal and Heather and her other friends and they were all still together.

Val said so too, and that Jerri still made us all proud, and me and Carson safer, and she could still get along with her friends. Even if they had stupid ideas.

----

Mom and Dad made a fuss over both Jerri and me. I think they always figured ~any~ emotional stuff would make me... well depressed or something, and maybe they were right, mostly.

Mom said after Jerri talked some sense into me that other night, she was always welcome with our family. That made her cry more, but Mom said that was okay, family was allowed to cry.

"Dad doesn't cry!" Val perked from the counter.

"He does too!" I don't know why I even said that. Dad looked at me funny, too.

She said "Oh, yah, ~when~, then?"

"Just 'cause ~you're~ not the kind of daughter to bring Daddy to tears isn't any reason to assume ~I'm~ not!" I tried to look proud, or something not... not too stupid.

"Umm.. thank you."

I think Dad meant me, or to me, I think... I was trying to remember what I'd said. Or when I'd made him cry.

But I smirked at Val anyway and said he was very welcome and kissed his cheek too, since he was beside me and hugging his arm didn't seem enough. And 'cause I wasn't sure I didn't just say something stupid.

Jerri, Brenda and Carson all started snorting, just like our family, so maybe.

But Daddy looked happy.

----

End of Part 26