Fearfully and Wonderfully made Chapter 12 - “Daily Strength”

I was in pretty rough shape when I moved back in with my mother after the destruction of my marriage.

I had let down and hurt the people who loved me, and I really didn’t have a place to put the feeling that produced.

But in several ways moving back in with my mother (and grandmother) was a good decision.

I had been able to transfer my job to a small facility walking distance away, and they had set me up in the basement in such a way that I only had to come upstairs for meals if I wished.

But best of all, I was with two women who loved me unquestionably, even if they were saddened about the mess I had made.

Bolstered by their support, and with my brother forgiving me enough to help get me into Christian counseling, I spent some time on a couple of projects that I hoped would help me get back on track.

One of these was to re-read the bible, but I didn’t just want to read it. I wanted to do more, so I found a pamphlet that went through the whole bible over the course of a year, and to make it even more effective I wrote a page of notes each day on what I read that day. The next year, I was to do this again, only this time instead of notes I would write down a prayer based on what I read that day.

The other project was designed to help me learn better focus and concentration, and it involved a craft called latch-hooking. Its a little like rug hooking, and I would spend hours over the next couple of years carefully hooking threads into place, until I had made several items. One was a horse that I gave to my grandmother, one was a cat I made for my mom, one was a cross with the words “bless this house” that I gave to my brother, and the last one was a picture of Jesus that I gave to Sheila .

I saw this last project especially as an act of faith, and I found myself coming up with parallels between the portrait I was making and the “portrait” that was my life - that from one side, all you could really see was knots, and it isn’t until you look from the other side that you see the true image, and I began to see the difficult times in my life as just threads, and the full picture was yet to be made.

Between my projects and work, I spent time with my grandmother, and was even to spend time with my daughter on occasion, even taking her to my work and letting her meet my patients.

Unfortunately, this quiet time couldn’t last, and after a couple of years my grandmother’s condition got bad enough that she needed hospitalization, and as the only reason my mother and I were living in that place was to look after her, we soon found ourselves looking for a new place to live.

To add to the difficulty, we had acquired a small dog as company, and of course we wanted to be sure that wherever we went, the dog would be welcome.

At the same time, my stress caused a depression that got noticed at work, and I soon found myself being put on indefinite leave, which shortly became permanent.

I eventually found other employment, we found a small apartment, and I hoped I could start moving forward again. Sadly, neither worked out, but I had something going for me I had not had before - I had a support system online.

I had taken to the internet in the hopes of finding a cure for my gender issues, and I had found a support site called “Daily Strength”, but instead found myself looking at the gender struggle as something other than a curse or an addiction to be cured.
And for the first time, I gave that female part of myself a name - Dorothy, although I originally intended that to just be a pseudonym for writing stories.

But, let’s save that for the last chapter, shall we?