"You must be an Angel, I can see it in your eyes...Oh, you're an Angel in disguise." -- Madonna/Steve Bray

A Life Ever Changing #25

Angel in Disguise

by Angel O'Hare

I looked at them and continued...

I found myself in Mrs. Russell's bedroom and they had me lay on the bed. Mrs. Russell said, "Brenda. You and Tracy go into the kitchen and get Ricky some juice and bring a separate glass filled with ice ok?"

The two girls answered, "OK," and off they went.

Greta sat on the bed and was stroking my head over and over very softly, speaking in a soft very calm voice she said, "Its ok Ricky, this has been hard for all of us but you must admit to one thing and that is you have a very special gift. Your singing voice is of a very rare quality for anyone be it a boy or a girl. In a few years this voice of yours will disappear and no one will ever hear it again." She looked sad after saying that and a look at Mrs. Russell confirmed that she was sad as well.

I stopped having those body shaking sobs when one cries rally hard and I was just fighting to stop my tears from flowing. Greta had made me think of something else, so I asked, "Why will it disappear Mrs. Dell?"

She looked a little surprised and smiled at me and then said, "Puberty, Ricky. Soon your male hormones will flood your body and brain changing your body and attitude. Your voice will crack and change for a while and then it will get deeper. You will never again be able to reach those higher notes."

"Oh" I said, "The kids at school call it the 'pimple period' but I hear that the girls start growing in different areas and the boys get bigger and get more muscles. I remember hearing some boys talking and they sounded funny, they had high and then lower voices and sometimes squeaky in between sounding voices."

The two ladies laughed then and Brenda and Tracy came back. Pastor Kit was with them. He sat on the bed and offered me his hand to shake and I took it and shook it. He took the glass of juice from Brenda and handed it to me. I sipped and sipped again. Boy, was that good! My tears had stopped and I was no longer crying, the ladies successful in this attempt by getting my mind off the fiasco that ended a wonderful fun time for me abruptly. Too abruptly!

Pastor Kit taking his time, looked at everyone in the room silently appraising them and saying something unspoken but sure of it being understood. He looked at me, smiled, and started talking to me, "Ricky, I am sorry for assuming you were a girl, can you forgive me?"

I nodded and said, "Yes, Pastor Kit, I can't blame you, most people do just that all the time. But it hurts me inside when they do."

He smiled while patting me on my head gently and continued, "We each have a purpose for being here, Ricky. Many of us only have an idea or we make assumptions as to what our purpose for being here, is based on what we can do well. You see, we each have gifts our Lord has given us and this helps us in knowing what God has planned for us during the time we are here. My gifts directed me to become a Pastor so I could freely share the gifts our Lord has given me. What about you, Ricky? What gifts has God given you and how can we adults help you in sharing those gifts with others?"

Wow, talk about being drop kicked into a position I didn't want to be in at that time! But, I had to answer and so I said, "Gifts? Why does everybody always call talents and special skills gifts? Can't they be heavy crosses to be always carried instead? Can't they be called challenges? How about those born without sight or hearing? Would you call those gifts as well? I don't think so! To answer your question, and it isn't an easy question to answer either, I would have to say. My gifts, crosses, challenges seem to be many. My face and body, my voice both singing and talking, my very attitude as you have called it is not normal so everyone tells me. Our Priest at my church said the most important lesson for all mankind is what Jesus said to all of us. He said, 'Do unto others as you would do unto you.' Jesus left a lot out when He had said that one!"

Pastor Kit looked surprised when I said that and so did Greta and Cindy!

I continued, "He forgot to tell us what would happen to you by others when you did do that! You are called names, many hurtful names. You are beaten up and since you wouldn't beat up yourself, according to Jesus you just let it happen to you. Funny though, didn't Jesus go berserk outside a temple? According to the Gospel He even whipped moneychangers and vendors, overturning their tables and carts as well. You see Pastor Kit, gifts can be curses as well. It only depends on how well and why they are received by others. Like my voice, I love to sing, but when I do sing in front of others something bad always happens in the end. When I sing people will stop and listen. They are happy and full of joy then. My song ends and when it does so does the peace and the joy end. Something else replaces it other feelings and words take over. Like what happened down stairs, what was a room filled with happiness and joy turned into arguing and hurtful words being said. Doubt and accusations of telling lies, one lady tried to feel me to see if I was a boy! Do you think this is the only time I have gone through something like this? No, I have gone through it every time I have sung for others besides my mother and aunt. At church, at school in the park or even when I am just walking to or from somewhere. From happiness and joy, everything changes whenever I stop singing. That is why I don't sing! That is why I will never sing again! Look at me! What do you see? Be honest in your answer please!"

I waited for his answer, tears building behind my eyes once more threatening to spill yet again. I hurt and I always hurt after singing for others. That is why I always try never to sing outside of my home and private refuge.

Pastor Kit had tears in his eyes! WOW! I never would have thought a pastor, a leader of many, would openly shed tears! But, he did, he wasn't crying in the sobbing, voice-stopping way, just tears as he tried to answer my question the best he could. He said, "Well said, young one! I can tell you are a very special person even being so small and so young. You show a deeper understanding, more than many adults I know. First, let me answer your question about what I believe Jesus was trying to show others by His actions outside the Synagogue you mentioned. Try to remember that Jesus was also human as well as divine, ok. When you read the New Testament again pay close attention to Jesus’ words and actions. You will see He appears to be in many moods to others and even though he was consistent in everything He did and said, still many people believe otherwise. Your question is a very good one so let me be careful and thorough in my answer. Jesus wants us all to be selfless in all that we do. Many of us can do this only some of the time, we are mostly selfish people even though we will never acknowledge this fact to ourselves. Those people, Jesus whipped and destroyed their livelihood by His action was because of this. His Father's house is the most selfless place anywhere and at anytime. To be standing in front of His doorstep making money off of those people going to His house was a very strong insult to God. To require people to give in to other's selfish attitudes and acts before entering God's house was the worst thing one could do. That is why Jesus did what He did."

"Now as for your unasked but well heard questions I can say but a few things to help you understand. The truth is I see a young girl when I look at you. I can surely bet everyone else does as well." (I winced and felt those words strike deep.) "I do not say this to hurt you in anyway, Ricky, but you wanted the truth and that is what I will give you ok?"

I said, "Ok, but why?"

He continued, "I bet if you got dressed in all your boy clothes and even if you got a very short haircut, once you started talking and just by what people would see they would think you were a girl dressed and trying to act as a boy. I even bet a lot of people have called you a Tomboy, haven't they?"

I nodded and he went on, "It is your heart, Ricky, not only your features but your advanced maturity and your caring of others first. Like even though you said you would never sing in front of others here you did just that a few minutes ago."

Just then, the lady who tried to feel my front and lift up my apron knocked on the doorframe requesting entry. I winced and pulled back and away from her toward Mrs. Russell. Mrs. Russell hugged me and Pastor Kit looked at her and said, "MRS. EVANS! Would you be so kind as to wait at the foot of the stairs and keep anyone else from rudely interrupting a very private and important meeting! We will be down when we decide this meeting is over and IF Ricky wishes to rejoin a group of people who have been hurtful and selfish in their dealing with him."

Wow, she turned white and straightened up real quick. She looked at me and said very quickly, "I am so sorry, please forgive me."

With that said, she went down the stairs. Pastor Kit continued, "I believe you can be stronger than you are now, Ricky. You are a boy even though you do not look like one. That gives you something extra the girls your age do not have. You see things differently than they do. You also have not been brought up as a girl so you do not have those prejudices and you haven't been molded as young girls and boys have. Am I right?"

I said, "Yes and no, Pastor Kit. I’ve been taught how to do many of the things girls’ usually only do. Housework and the like, but that's only because of what my family needs and I must do. I can't help the way I look. I only know that I am a boy and all my problems begin with that. If I don't say anything about it when people call me a girl or treat me like one I have a lot less problems. But, that’s just like letting a lie stay a lie. I think my biggest problem is to know what to do when people say and think I’m a girl. I also sometimes end up looking like this." (I motioned with my hands at the way I was dressed.) "Those ladies were right when they said those things about me. What hurt the most was when they said, 'what kind of a boy would dress like that.' They also saw the girl's undies I am wearing. It wasn't that I wanted to wear them, I don't! I had no real choice my boy's underpants were soaked through with sweat and I couldn't concentrate on singing being so uncomfortable. Why couldn't they notice my sneakers! They are boys and it is obvious being high cuts and black. My hair is a cut like a boy's and I know I don't act like a girl, do I?"

Pastor Kit smiled and said, "You are very young yet and depend on what others think of you and say about you to learn about life and how to live it. What makes it hard is that you can't depend on those who don't know you well. I suggest you listen to those closest to you to learn from those that believe in you and truly want the best for you. People believe what they want to Ricky. Some will cling to their beliefs no matter what is said or proven. I suggest you trust those who trust you and those that wish the best for you. Those that know you well will treat you the best."

Just then, my mom came rushing into the room and stopped looking shocked at the way I was dressed. She looked at Mrs. Russell as if she would kill her in a nanosecond if she had her choice! I jumped off the bed yelling, "MOMMY, Mommy!" I jumped into her arms tears starting to flow I was so relieved in her presence!

My mother held me close saying what most mothers would in times like these, "Oh, Honey, it's alright now Mommy's here and she won't let anybody hurt you." I knew that and that's why I clung to her like glue.

Pastor Kit stood up and said, "Mrs. O'Hare, I am Pastor Kit and before you kill anyone here please let Mrs. Russell explain alright?"

My mom said, "I demand an explanation and it had better be a damn good one at that!" Wow, my mommy just said a bad word in front of a pastor of all people. He winced and let my mommy sit on the bed with me still in her arms clinging to her.

Mrs. Russell stood up and walked over to my mommy and me and said, "Julia, please just listen to what I have to say and then if you wish you can hit me a good one, ok?"

My mommy nodded and said, "Cindy, I trusted you with the care and good treatment of my child. It appears to me you have failed in doing that. Do you know what I was asked when those lunatics downstairs realized who I was? They asked me, no, they almost told me that my son was a girl! Now I want an explanation and I want it now!" She hugged me tighter and kissed me a lot of times on my head and face. My mommy would always be my mommy! It's funny how when in deep trouble or pain your mother automatically gets called Mommy again. Even though you are ten years old and a big boy now when you need your mother in times of distress you remember when you had the deepest bond with her and that is when you always called her Mommy!

I looked up at my mommy and said, "Mommy, can I please change into my clean clothes now?"

She looked at Cindy as to ask why I was dressed this way and Cindy asked Brenda, "Brenda, please go get the bag with Ricky's clean set of clothes."

Brenda grabbed Tracy's hand and off the two of them went, but first they stopped and gave me a kiss on the cheek and a little hug and Brenda said, "Ricky we really like you and don't ever want to hurt you in any way. You will always be our special friend and angel." They were off to get my clothes and I noticed everybody including my mommy was smiling at what Brenda had said.

Cindy said, "He is wearing the apron to protect his clothing, but earlier his shorts and underpants were soaked through with sweat making them very uncomfortable to wear. I had wanted Ricky to polish the furniture after we had taken a little break so the apron was really needed. As you can see, it is a thickly made apron and no one can see through it. It was my decision to have him take off his shorts and underpants as a necessity but he still needed a pair of underpants to wear. He couldn't wear his other pair because they would just get sweaty and wet as well, so I had him put on the only new pair I had on hand. Unfortunately, all I had were girl's nylon panties I had purchased for Brenda that were still unworn and wrapped. But, since nobody would be seeing them I felt it would be best and actually much cooler for Ricky to wear them. I assure you it was not my intention to make Ricky look more girlish! Please believe me when I tell you that. Ricky even told me that they were much more comfortable to wear than his boy's underpants."

My mommy looked at me with that questioning look, so I said, "I did mommy and they are more comfortable and cooler to wear than mine. I just don't like all the flowers on them." My mommy chuckled and so did the rest of those in the room.

Mrs. Dell stood up and said, "Mrs. O'Hare my name is Greta Dill and Tracy is my daughter. This was as much my doing as anyone else's so please let me say something before Cindy tries to explain what has happened." My mommy nodded and Greta said, "Your son has the most beautiful singing voice I as a teacher and a professional coach have ever had the pleasure to hear! I know that you know what a special gift his voice is."

My mommy nodded, hugged and kissed me again. Brenda and Tracy came back with my clothes and Tracy said to her mother, "Mommy, somebody has to go downstairs. It's crazy down there."

Pastor Kit asked Cindy to go and have the others wait. He said, "Cindy I don't think it would be a good idea to have all those ladies and children leave before things are explained to them. Maybe you can make them some tea or something and have them promise to wait. I will be down shortly after Greta finishes her explanation to talk to them. Tell them it is me who wants them to stay. You should have no trouble keeping them all here."

Cindy nodded and had the two girls go with her. Brenda and Tracy could keep the young girls in check and entertained. Off the three of them went.

My mommy had me stand up and she untied the apron and took it off of me. She changed my sopping sweat filled shirt with my clean one, held out my clean pair of shorts for me to step into. I looked at her and said, "Mommy what about my underpants?"

She smiled at me and said, "Didn't you just say they were cooler and more comfortable than your boy underpants?"

I said, "Yes, but I don't like all the flowers and they are blue not white ones."

She answered, "Well, nobody is going to see them under your shorts and I have a feeling we will be here for a while yet so it is best you stay cool and comfortable ok?"

I said ok, and she pulled my shorts up and finished by zipping and snapping them closed. I huddled with my mommy on her lap once more and Greta began her explanation, "Mrs. O'Hare..."

My mother jumped in here saying, "Please call me Julia, Greta, alright?"

Greta began again saying, "Julia, I came in as Ricky was finishing the advanced scales. Do you know what they are?" My mother said no and Greta continued, "Advanced scales are sung by those who can easily perform the standard scales. They are also for those who have a wider tonal range and can hold tones and transition the notes easily from one to the other. Ricky can do that, and it appears almost effortlessly. Young boys can have a higher tonal range but usually it is the girls and women who can transition well and their voices, of course, change minimally as they grow older. Boys always lose this ability once puberty begins. They may still have a good singing voice, but it is of a lower range and a deeper tonal quality than before. Now as for what happened later, I can tell you this. I was there and Ricky along with the choir singing the chorus brought the house down! I know everyone there was speechless and in awe of Rickie's voice and performance. We all had goose bumps and you could hear a pin drop when the song had ended. Then all hell broke loose! All the girls in the choir mobbed Ricky they were so happy. They jumped all over him knocking him down and that is when his apron flipped up around his waist. There was nothing he could do about it with all the girls on top of him, they were all hugging and kissing him and were all calling him their 'ANGEL' and telling him how wonderful he had performed. Brenda and Tracy were pulling the girls off when Cindy and I joined them and freed Ricky. It was too late to save his modesty, everyone there got a good look at the panties he was wearing and I am afraid this added to the reasons most thought he was a girl. One thing you must understand is that the choir is without a soloist now that my daughter Tracy can't sing until her throat and vocal cords heal properly. This also added to the wants and wishes of the girls and their mothers. Pastor Kit, I believe, also wanted Ricky to be a girl because of this as well."

We all looked at Pastor Kit and he nodded guiltily. He said, "So Julia, just try to picture this if you will, there is this young person dressed only in an apron, t-shirt and everyone saw the cute panties this person was wearing underneath. This young person just delivered a singing performance no one here has ever had the privilege to witness their entire lives. The only thing preventing the choir from entering this year's competition seemed to not only have ended, but a sure win in the finals was assured! Then this young person informs everyone he is a boy and that his voice is not only a gift but a curse as well! Need I say all Hades' broke loose and the comments that were hurtful to Ricky had begun. Julia do you have any questions for me?"

Julia began with saying, "It appears that I was wrong in my first assumption and I apologize for that. I know all the ladies and girls downstairs are waiting impatiently for us so I will wait with my other questions until this is over and just the few of us can sit down and chat comfortably. Is this ok with you?"

Pastor Kit and Greta smiled and nodded at this suggestion. With that said and agreed upon, we left to go downstairs. My mom held my hand and off we went. Pastor Kit was in front with Greta next, my mother and I held back a little. We heard before we saw anything. It sounded like the girls were having a lot of fun and by the sounds of it the ladies were still going at it in the kitchen. Greta sidled up to my mother and whispered something to her and my mother just nodded and smiled in reply.

Greta called out for Tracy and she appeared with Brenda and a few other girls. Greta said, "Just Tracy and Brenda, girls, ok?" The girls said ok and disappeared back into the noisy mayhem going on inside the music room. Tracy and Brenda ran over to me and gave me a hug and of course, a few kisses and asked me if I was ok now.

I said, "Yes, for now but I'm afraid of what the ladies are going to say about me."

My mom held my hand and said, "Ricky, it is going to be fine I am here with you and you know I won't let anyone hurt you if I can help it."

Pastor Kit and Greta said the same and so did Tracy and Brenda. So as a troop we all went into the kitchen and saw Cindy had control even though some of the ladies were a bit animated amidst a heavy discussion. When they saw us, everyone became quiet and Cindy did the introductions for my mom and the others. Cindy walked over to my mom and before she could say anything my mom said, "It's alright Cindy, Greta told me most of it and we will wait until all the others leave before we sit down and talk ok?" Cindy said ok and nodded to Pastor Kit.

He began by saying, "I hope everyone has learned a few things today. I know I have thanks to this young boy who has showed me a remarkable understanding of what life is all about. This child, who has been treated rather cruelly by most of us here today." All of the ladies bowed their heads and then looked at me saying how sorry they were. I had apologies coming from every direction and all at the same time!

Greta then said, "Julia would it be alright if Ricky went and played with the other children?" My mom looked at me and before I could answer, Tracy and Brenda had my hands and whisked me away from the kitchen. (I had wanted to stay and listen to what the adults were going to say and discuss. I knew it was going to be all about me.)

We arrived in the music room and in only seconds, the entire room got very quiet. An amazing thing when you consider there were twelve girls and one boy in the room! This time it was better because I had on my shirt and shorts. All of a sudden when I smiled the noise level rose considerably. All the girls surrounded me blasting me with apologies and questions.

One thing was certain though I had a new name. Everyone was calling me Angel. Oh brother! Is Angel a boy's name? I wondered. After the apologies and introductions again, we all decided to just sit on the floor and talk. They had a spokesperson and that was Tracy. Tracy and Brenda sat on either side of me as to protect me from the others. When everyone got quiet again Tracy stood up and walked into the center of the half moon shape we had formed. Facing us all she began, "Ricky, I was elected by proper vote to be the person to speak for all the members of our choir. What I say is coming from every member ok?"

I nodded and she continued, "Ricky please don't get mad at us for what we are about to say. Just believe that we are telling you the truth and none of us wants to hurt you in any way. We took a vote and have made you an honorary member of our choir. All of us have a choir nickname that was given to each member by the choir. We all talked it over and decided your name will be Angel. Please don't get mad! Many angels are men you know. The most powerful angel of them all is called Michael. We all decided on that name because of the way you look while you are singing. Plus the way you sing! You are an angel in our eyes, Ricky. So from now on, you are ANGEL!"

She then nodded, came over to me, stood me up and hugged and kissed me telling me her choir name. Each girl one by one came up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss welcoming me to the choir and telling me their choir names. That was so cool! For once in my life, I felt like I belonged to a group and was welcomed to be in it by everyone! I was very happy! Each of them went back to their places and sat down again.

Tracy standing and facing all of us once more said, "Angel we will have pictures for you in a few days. We know when you get to see them that you will agree with us that not only is your voice a thing of beauty, but you are as well. Angel, when you were singing we all got goose bumps and the tingles. When we could finally see your face after we were done singing we all said the same thing! You were beautiful! Don't get mad at us please!" She must have seen my expression change quickly from happy to red and irritated.

Brenda put her arm around me and squeezed she also kissed me. Tracy continued, "We have all decided to make sure that nobody picks on you or hurts you. One or more of us will be available to go with you anywhere you are going so you won't ever have to be alone again. We are more than a choir, Angel, we are a family, and we hope you will agree with us and become part of our family."

She came up to me and lifted me up by my hands, walked with me back to the center and facing all the girls she said, "This is Angel who we wish to be a member of our family. All those in support of this decision please stand up." Every one of the girls stood up and clapped saying my choir name over and over until Tracy held up her hands for quiet.

She turned facing me and said, "Angel, do you want to join our family and be a part of what we do and accept or protection and friendship?"

What could I say? This was only a dream I had to be part of something and liked by others. So I said, "Yes, I do." A bedlam of cheers broke out then. I was surrounded once again by twelve girls, all hugging and kissing me and saying happy things I would never decipher because they all were talking at the same time.

Note: A continuing story series of teasing scenes, part reminiscence, part fantasy