CHAPTER FOUR

Day 53 continued

Ash and Drew had heard my calls as I’d run through the house and they’d followed me through the garden and across the field, calling back, but without reply. They’d seen what had happened, found me where I’d fallen and somehow managed to get me back to the house.

The next three days were a blur. I developed a fever from the chill and drifted in and out of consciousness. I remember the sensation of diving deep down in a black and freezing cold ocean, each stroke taking away the energy I’d need to swim back to the surface, but I kept on, further and further into the cold and gloom. And just when my lungs were about to burst and I would surrender myself to the deep, Chris’s face appeared, and she took me by the hand, and pulled me back to the shore. When I eventually awoke, earlier this morning, she was there sat by my bedside. She hadn’t left for the three days I’d been ill.

The storm had abated, and a thick covering of snow lay on the window cill, reflecting a bright golden glow from the dawning sun into the room. I blinked and took a deep breath. Three days of crying for Pete. Three days of desperately trying to lift him back from the ocean floor, or join him there. He was gone. I knew what I had to do now.

Ash and Drew came running into the room like two small puppies and threw themselves onto my bed, enveloping me in the biggest hug I think I’d ever had. I held them tight, feeling their warm flesh against mine, the smell of their hair.
“We were so worried about you! It’s so great to see you ok!” and then, more quietly “And we’re so sorry about Pete.”
I hugged them tightly again. “Listen. I owe you an apology.” We sat hand in hand, Chris looking on, as I told them how I’d been behaving over the last few weeks. We hugged again.
“So things need to change. I need to change. You were right, Ash. I need to go along with what’s happened instead of trying to ignore it.” I paused. “I’ll need a new name. You can’t go on calling me Dave anymore.”
There was silence for a moment, and then Chris spoke. “Susan. Your name should be Susan.”

“OK you two.” Chris nodded at the girls. “I’m sure Susan is tired. We should leave her to rest.”
Ash and Drew nodded and dutifully left the room. It had been so wonderful to have them hugging me, to feel their warmth and to enjoy their laughter; it felt like the room was colder and darker without them.
“You should sleep.”
“I want to get up.”
“It’s better for you to rest.”
“Says who?” I was starting to get irritated now. Partly that was because I really was tired but didn’t want to admit it, and partly it was because I’d never liked being told what to do. But there was something else that I couldn’t quite yet put my hands on about Chris.
“What’s the matter?”
“Who says anything’s the matter?”
“You’re answering my questions with another question.”
“What if I am?”
Chris’s eyes flashed for the tiniest fraction of a second, the reflected gold of the sun, before her serene expression returned.
I continued. “What gives you the right to tell me what to do? You’ve been looking after me whilst I’ve been ill. Fine. Thank you. But you turn up when we haven’t seen you for weeks…when we’ve needed you here to explain what’s happening to us…when my best friend…” I’d started sobbing now. “You said when we got here that you’d be here for me. Right there.” I pointed. “At the top of the stair. And then we saw hide nor fucking hair of you for weeks…we needed you then, Chris. It’s too fucking late now. Too fucking late…”
She stood quietly, absorbing everything that I could throw at her. Eventually my rage quietened.
She sat at the end of my bed. “I’m sorry. I can’t give you the answers Susan. I really can’t. I wish I could. You have to be able to work this out for yourself. And I’m sorry about Pete. If I could have done anything to stop that you have to believe me that I would.”
“But just being here. With me, with Pete. It would have helped. It might have stopped…”
Chris interrupted me. “I’ve been with you Susan. That’s what you’ve got to understand. I was there when you rested your head on my flank when I gave you my milk. I was there wrapping my trunk around you when you rested in the wood. I know you felt it Susan, I know you felt it. And I know you saw me, down in the depths of the ocean. And that I held your hand, and guided you back here. You need to understand Susan. We’re more connected than you think, and we have been for longer than you can imagine.”
She reached out a hand and placed it gently on my cheek, and then stood, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Day 54

We held a short service for Pete today. I found a black angora sweater dress in my closet and paired that with some tall boots. Ash and Drew held a hand each and we walked out together with Chris, through the back garden, stopping to pick some snowdrops, and then over the field to the cliff where he’d fallen. I said a few words, all totally inadequate to describe the friend who’d saved my life when I was twelve. We came back to the house, had some food and sat in front of the fire for the rest of the evening whilst I recounted some of escapades we’d got up to in our time sailing.

Day 55

Chris is still around. I’d half expected her to have disappeared again, but no. She asked me to go for a walk with her after breakfast. My head was full of questions again after what she’d said two days ago, but I didn’t learn anything from the answers she gave. Who was it who said that thing about ‘a riddle inside a mystery inside an enigma’? That’s Chris. I don’t know her any better despite bombarding her with questions all morning. But the weird thing is that I didn’t get frustrated with her. We’d been walking for a while before I realised she’d taken my hand in hers. And when I did notice I left it there. It felt secure. Comforting. Calm. She’s serene – that’s a good word to describe her. Even when we’re walking it’s like she’s gliding along, whilst I’m slipping and sliding next to her in the snow. Honestly, I almost had to check at one point that she was even leaving footprints at all. And when there was a gust of wind and my hair blew into my eyes and I had to brush it back out again, how come that never seemed to happen to her? And she’s beautiful. That almost goes without saying. Cool, and elegant. But not cool like an ice-queen. She’s cool, but she’s warm as well. I remember the glint of humour in her eyes the day I arrived here when she teased me, offering me the bra…Like I say; an enigma.

In between my questions about everything she tried to show me things we passed on the walk. There were footprints of different animals in the snow, and she’d tell me what they were. The trees in the wood, the berries on the bushes, the bird of prey flying so high above us I could barely make it out at all – she knew all of them. Maybe I’d have been better paying attention to that instead of planning my interrogation.

When we got back to the house, the girls were waiting for us, hiding behind the wall of the front garden. As we came through the gate, they started pelting us with snowballs. We had a huge fight until all 4 of us were soaked through, and laughing so hard we couldn’t carry on. It was wonderful. I haven’t laughed like that in months.