Dare to live 2(5)

"She. Unambiguously," Doc said, "She's now officially Lina. There is no Linas anymore."

Note to readers. This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… We will circle back to it…

I was pushed through long corridors and before going into the elevator. When we came out there were more corridors and at last, I was probably in the operation theatre. An IV was attached to my left hand and another doctor injected something directly into my vein and said to count from one to a hundred. The last thing I remembered was ‘six' and the world blacked out.

There was a feeling of draught everywhere – in my mouth, body, and head. I opened my eyes and the lights were dimmed. I tried licking my lips and couldn't – there was something in my mouth and probably even in my throat. I wanted to pull that something out of my mouth but my both hands were strapped to the bed.

My movements probably made some sounds and Mom's face showed in front of me.

"Don't panic," she said, "the doctor will take the tube out shortly."

Another face that showed in front of me wasn't familiar. "On count ‘three' cough hard. OK?" I winked my eyes ‘Yes'. "One, two, and three…" I coughed hard and at the same moment, a long tube was rooted out of my throat. My throat was on fire and Mom put a plastic cup of lukewarm water to my lips with another hand holding my head.

"Take it slowly," she said. The water was soothing but it didn't get where I wanted it. There still was dryness somewhere deep in the throat. That dryness made me cough and the cough echoed in a pain below my waist. I tried to put my hands over my stomach but my hands were still strapped. The face of the unfamiliar doctor was again in front of me.

"Don't panic Lin," the face said. "I'm Doctor Suzanne Bell." She pointed at the tag on her scrubs that read ‘DR S BELL MD'. "Your hands a strapped because you're still attached to an IV."

Mom came into my view again and she popped a pill like one she would give me at home to soothe my throat. It was sweet and had mint and eucalyptus. It was exactly what I needed now.

"How do you feel? Is there any pain here?" Doc asked.

"There is a dull pain below," I said.

"I'm not surprised, but that is to be expected," Doc said. "I'll give you something for sleep. In the morning, the IV and restraints will be removed."

She stuck a syringe directly in the side of the needle in my arm and injected something into it. I was groggy already and the dizziness overwhelmed me now. I was shortly sound asleep.

When I woke up, it was daytime already. The IV had been disconnected and my hands were not restrained anymore. A nurse was busy around my bed. My mom was sitting on my bed too. They both noticed I was awake.

"How do you feel today?" mom asked.

"That dull pain is still here," I replied.

"As you are awake, I'll call the doc," the nurse said.

"Call my husband too, if you see him," mom asked.

The nurse left the room and mom said, "Doctor said he would tell you and explain about the surgery after you'll be fully conscious."

Waiting for the doctor and dad to come I looked a little around and under the sheets. I was wearing one of those hospital gowns and I was covered with a lot of the dressing. I could assume there was something done to me below the waist but I couldn't see what. A tube went out of my groin into the plastic bottle hanging at the side of the bed. I was attached to the bed and couldn't stand up or even turn over yet. Not that I had the strength to do it.

Dad and Dr. Brody and another doctor with the name tag "DR N AROYA MD" came into the room simultaneously. Dad smiled at me though his smile was kind of worried.

"How do you feel today?" Dr. Brody asked.

"I have still the dull pain down here," I motioned my hand to my groin.

"Is it unbearable?"

"Rather annoying."

"I'm afraid that it will be for a few days," Dr. Brody confirmed. "Now about the surgery, if you want to hear about it."

My both parents nodded in agreement.

"Your surgery took us almost seventeen hours to complete. I'd expected it would take no more than eight hours but I found that things were rather complicated."

"Eight hours is too much for a prostate operation," Dad said.

"Yes, it is," Doc confirmed, "for the main prostate cancer patient group. Most men starting at the age of fifty are monitored for it and the cancer is diagnosed in the early stages of T1 or T2."

"As I recall, Lin was diagnosed with T3," Dad said.

"We found the situation was a little worse than that. Tumor tissues were found on surrounding soft tissues along the urethra. We have removed what was recognized as the tumor. We've removed a lot. Besides the obvious testicles and penis, you've seen were affected by necrosis already. We have removed the affected parts of the ischium and pubic bone. Then vaginoplasty took more time than expected because we had little soft pelvic tissue left and not a great amount of penis tissue. Dr. Aroya will tell you more."

"So, I don't have cancer anymore?" I asked.

Doctor sighed.

"I hope we have found and removed everything," he said. "But to be sure, you'll need radiotherapy and later a course of chemotherapy, because there may be particles that are not visible."

"Will Lin stay in the hospital then?" mom asked.

"Week or two," Doc replied with a nod. "We'll see how he heals."

"She," Dr. Aroya said.

We all stared at him.

"Oh, yes. You're right," Dr. Brody confirmed. "She. Unambiguously."

I wasn't ready for such an abrupt change of pronouns. Neither were mom nor dad.

"Lin's new birth certificate is issued already because of a medical emergency," Dr. Brody said. "She's now officially Lina Agniete as you had indicated on the agreement you both have signed. There is no Linas Kazimieras anymore."

"You don't have to hurry to change school records. It can wait until the end of the school year," Dr. Aroya offered.

I didn't feel I was a girl as the doctors had stated. Even more, I felt my thingy as if it was there. It wasn't the feeling of it pressing to the leg or groin. It was feeling like it was being touched.

When the doctors left, a nurse came to change my dressings. She ushered the rents out of the room. She placed a frame over my chest and hung a kind of cloth on it curtaining the view of what she was doing from my sight.

As the nurse was busying around the dressing, I felt like parts of it were torn from my body. Later there was an even stronger feeling of her touching my penis and I was afraid and ashamed it would spring into an erection. The feeling of touching became more intense and it felt as if she was stroking my thingy. I even could see a part of her behind the screen moving rhythmically.

"What I'm doing is called dilation," the nurse explained. "After your body is healed enough, you'll do it yourself."

Later, the day passed without any events. The next day, I was given what Dr. Brody had called ‘a solid food meal'. It was kind of a lukewarm mashed soup. I still felt weak and exhausted after the surgery. But I wasn't hungry. I ate that soup because I was told to eat it. Mom was sitting on the chair next to my bed and watched me as if I was a little kid. Shortly after I'd finished my meal, the movement started in my guts.

It was the third day after the surgery when I was allowed or rather ushered to stand up. Doc had said that I needed some physical therapy. The plastic bottle that was connected to my groin and attached to the side of the bed was now attached to my leg. This time it was a male nurse and he helped me to stand up.

"You have to start walking," he said, "or your body will forget how to walk and you'll need to learn to stand and walk like a toddler."

The first thing after I stood up was that all blood was drained from my head. My vision was blurred and darkened and my head was spinning.

"We are in no hurry," the nurse said. "Grab my hand and try to steady yourself."

Easy to say. Not only my legs but my hands too were as heavy as if they were filled with lead. Then my vision cleared a little. I could see clearly again and I read a name tag on the nurse's chest as "Robert".

He followed my stare and offered, "That's Bob."

Bob just stood at my side until my body was accustomed to its new position.

"Try without my help now," Bob said pushing to my side a walking frame. He adjusted its height so that I could grab cross bars and keep my hands not bending them.

Doctor Brody said it was my willpower that helped me to stand up and walk around the room the next day without Bob's assistance. I was still pushing the walking frame in front of me but I did it all by myself.

Then the day came for the dressing to be removed. I was allowed to see what I had here below my waist. I had nothing. The penis had gone and the balls too. I still had the tube and the bottle with my urine attached to it. The tube was removed the same day. It was painful but it was worth the suffering. I was free now and I was expected to do everything by myself.

Sorry, no. I had another last lesson to undergo. I was seated on the edge of the bed with my legs spread as wide as possible. I was given a metal stick as thin as my pinky. It was smeared with special goo – the lubricator. Then it was carefully inserted into the hole I had in between my hole to pee and another hole to poo. That was the hole that made me a girl. Now that I had it, I had to take good care of it. It was called a vagina. I can tell you that it was incredibly embarrassing to have to do that exercise in front of the doctor and nurse. At least mom and dad were waiting in the hall.

On the ninth day after the surgery, I was released to go home. I still wasn't steady on my feet but I could take care of myself. I had to come back in two weeks for radiotherapy.

I had expected it to be "home, sweet home". It was a little different instead. There were some changes and arrangements made. I was moved to the first floor to stay in the guest room. I had been sharing the bedroom with my younger twin brothers, Gedas and Minde, before. I was kind of a role model to them. They were copying everything I was doing. They were playing basketball in the backyard and they were dribbling balls non-stop. The same thing I did when I was their age. They had a pair of their own weights that were five pounds each. The weights were the same as I used when I was younger.

When I was at home they were sticking to me like flies to the honey. That changed abruptly after my return. Their attitude was like I was kind of contagious. They were not only trying to keep a distance between us, the avoided being with me in the same room.

That was cancer. People were afraid of it. They didn't know what it was. I did remember my friend Trevor's mom. She had cancer two years ago and she passed away in three months. I was the only one among his friends who came to their home to visit his mom afterward. Other boys had the same attitude Gedas and Minde had toward me now. They'll say I had caught cancer germs while visiting Trevor's mom. I wasn't sure about it myself now. I didn't blame my brothers but I felt hurt anyway.

I expected things to change after dad was home from work. Dad was an EMT and not a doctor. But in our predominantly blue-collar neighborhood, he was considered a doctor. Like Zigi's dad was considered a professor because he had the biggest collection of various licenses covering almost all construction activities.

I expected dad would come home and explain that I wasn't contagious, that it was ok for Gedas and Minde to be in the same room with me. Dad came home and he didn't explain anything and my brothers' attitude didn't change.

There was no joy that I was at last home. Mom and dad were depressed. They were crestfallen because of expenses. Staying in Boston Hospital caused mom to accommodate herself in the hospital's neighborhood. That stay dug deep into our family's savings.

That wasn't the end of expenses either. Mom wasn't working while she was staying with me. She had to hire a babysitter for Gedas and Minde before some arrangements at their school could be made. I was the main and the only babysitter for my brothers before. I expected I would babysit them again but only when I'll be present at home. They could do all the chores at home without my intervention. I was needed to supervise them only.

I was still weak and I couldn't attend school. Dad had been in the school office and the school staff knew about the surgery. I expected Zigi to come with my assignments and homework. Zigi was my next-door neighbor, so who else could it be?

It was time after basketball practice already and there was a knock at the door. But it wasn't Zigi. It was Shawna. I knew her since we were in junior high. She was a basketball player but on the girls' team.

"I was expecting Zigi," I said. "Not that I don't like you. But he's my next-door neighbor."

Shawna just shrugged. That's about true friends and friendship so far.

"He's not ready yet," Shawna offered.

Probably it was for the better that Shawna had come and not Zigi or another boy. We knew each other but not enough to ask personal questions. She didn't ask and I didn't have to lie about what type of surgery it was.

I was ashamed of what had been done to me. I wasn't a boy anymore as I tell by what I saw below the waist. I wasn't a girl either. Only papers could be changed overnight. I was still the same Lin – a boy. The current situation made me frustrated and angry. I didn't know who I was angry with. With myself probably. So I cried. I cried a lot when I was alone in my room.

My body was healing. Those parts that were present after the surgery were regaining their natural body color. Not the bluish swelling or orange-brown stain of disinfectant they had before. Now those parts were becoming more and more like they were really mine. Not like they were previously kind of alien. I didn't need a sanitary pad in my underwear 'cause I could fully control the urinating process. What I still put in my briefs were called panty liners. They were needed because of my new anatomy. They were catching some extra drops. I didn't have a penis to shake off.

On Monday, I came back to school. It was only for several days because it was already planned to move back to Boston for a radiotherapy course. There were only two hospitals on the Eastern coast with the required equipment and one of them was in Boston.

Freshmen are treated like kids by older students in high school. The only way to socialize was to have friends among other freshmen. I came to school at last and apparently, I had no friends. My friends were distancing themselves from me. The only social thing was to bump fists with Zigi and Jack. Martin waved a hand at me and nodded his head.

The faculty wasn't friendly and understanding. I felt like I was the one who invented that sickness to excuse myself from classes.

The next day and later there was some improvement. The distancing of boys wasn't as evident as it was the first day. I was kind of accepted back into our group of four. Things couldn't be the same as they were before. I was excused from gym classes and I was off of the basketball team. I wasn't present at practices. I was different. I wasn't suited for rough jokes. I was drifting away. We weren't alienated yet but we weren't as close as we were before.

To be continued