The road of life is filled with ups and downs. These can be hills and valleys spanning a wondrous vista. But let us not forget that even on our most favorite roads there may be potholes and hairpin curves.

The Decision - Part 1
by
BrandieS

I had a prescription filled today. Estrogen 0.45 mg/day , 1 po QD. Take with food. May cause muscle weakness or fatigue. The Surgeon General has determined the estrogens may be linked to cervical cancer. Do not operate heavy equipment. Now I have the pill on the table before me and I don't know if I want to take it. Mom made me promise that I would. She said that these pills may be the hope that I need to go on. I gotta admit that trying to live as a boy has not been easy, Sonmetimes hard, but to tell the truth I'm scared. Maybe I'm giving up. I don't know. I'm by myself now. Dad died bout ten years ago and Mom just passed. You didn't catch me at a good time, and oh yea, I'm 32 years old. Lost my job and broke. I spent my last coupla bucks on these pills.

I remember how it all started. It's funny what we remember. Got a minute, it's a good one.

Ever since I was a little boy, I have been mistaken for a girl. When I was real little, people would tell my mom what a pretty girl I was. My mom would smile then tell them, that I was her little boy. Course when they heard mom call me Connie, they usually giggled. Most of the time, they would just smile and shake their heads and walk off. As I grew, it kept comming. I was a cutie, a sweetie, a charmer or raving beauty. Uhhhh, it never stopped. My parents dressed me in rough and tumble boy clothes. If I got dirty, they didn't care. Not that I can remember taking advantage of that. I wore dungarees and t-shirts, and PF Flyers and not much else. I still dress like that to this day.

When I started school, I wasn't allowed to play with the boys at recess. Mom and dad tried to get them to change that, but the school people didn't want a 'girl' to get hurt. I was even seen by a special doctor at the school and he musta been an idiot too, cause he agreed with the school people. Mom and Dad were upset, but powerless to do anything different.

The there was the comments about my name. I did tell you that I got one of them kinda strange names. It's Constantine. It was the name of my mom's favorite uncle and as a favor to him, it became my name too. Now, the nick name for Constantine is...yup, you got it, Connie. Course there were ball players had the same name. Bet no one called Connie Mack a girl. Don't think that the school people would know that. They called other kids by their last names, but not me. It was always Connie this or Connie that. Sheesh.

When I advanced a few grades, my teacher sent a note home asking my mom to come to school and see her. Mom asked if I was in trouble at school and I really didn't know. Mom went to the meeting and the teacher asked if she could put me in a dress, so I could fit in with the other girls. Mom laughed at her, then showed her my birth certificate. The teacher was mordified. My certificate clearly showed that I was a Boy. The teacher then asked mom why I was being treated like a girl, was there something wrong with me. Mom laughed. She told the teacher about the doctor that had examined me when I started school and how 'HE' put down on my school papers that I was a girl. Mom and the teacher became friends after that and she would often come to our home for visits.

One Summer dad signed me up for a day camp, but after I got dropped off, the people running the camp took me home. Dad got his money back, but the camp people were mad. It was suposed to be a camp for boys and girls were not allowed. Dad tried to tell them but they wouldn't listen. Things like that were always happening to me.

School progressed and I was in Junior High, some goody two shoes put me on the list for Home Ec. Then there was sports. I wanted to try out for football, I was too small. So I bided my time and when Baseball season came around, I asked if I could play. My parents said ok and I brought home the papers for a Sport's Physical. Mom called the school doctor, a different one this time, and set up my appointment. I was so happy. He examined me and said I was healthy. I could play!

Well, at least I thought I could. When I turned in the permission slip, it seems that one of the secretaries changed the block marked Baseball to Girl's Softball. Boy was I mad! Seems that they had to put the forms in the school records and the dumb school still thought I was a Girl. My records had the 'FEMALE' box checked. I was so mad. Mom pleaded with them saying that the doctor gave me a clean bill of health, but the school board would not listen.

We had a family conference and decided that if I wanted to do sports, then I'd have to start using the school board rules against them. So I played Softball, and was I ever good. A lot of the other coaches would complain about a 'Boy' being on a girls team, but after they was showed the school records, they couldn't do anything about it. We had a winning team. Then I graduated to High School and thought that this girl stuff would stop. Wrong. It seems that a lot of the kids that I had gone to school with before, just told the other kids that I was a girl. A Tomboy. Every body believed it. I was even scheduled to take girl's PE.

It was early Fall in my freshman year and i was gonna be 14 years old, cept that I was still small. The girl's coach stopped me in the halls and asked if I was gonna play on the team this year. I kinda laughed and said no. She said that players didn't have to take regular PE. It didn't matter to me. Then she asked if she could talk to my parents. I said I'd have my mom call her. She gave me her number and I went to my classes.

I gave mom the note from the coach when I got home. She called her and they talked on the phone for a while. Mom hung up the phone and told me that the coach was gonna come over to talk bout 7PM. She said for me to stay in, just work on my homework and we'd see what was gonna happen.

It was a long time till 7PM. Then the coach got here. Mom and dad listened to her talk about the team and players in the district. She talked about scouting the Junior Highs and watching the younger players. Mom and dad looked at me and asked what I wanted to do. They knew that I wanted to put this girl stuff to rest and just be a regular boy. Course even in the Summer time I had a problem playing ball and stuff with the other boys. When I was in sixth grade, one of the bigger boys got a crush on me. He hung around the park and would kinda walk me home. I mean, that I would see him behind me as I walked home. Sometimes I would ask what he was doing and he would make up stuff to tell me. He was kinda goofy. Then, one day he ran up to me and kissed me on the cheek. I screamed and hit him with my baseball glove. I called him queer and stuff. He got real red in the face and ran off. After that he just watched me. Kinda creepy, yuk.

Looking at Mom and dad I said that I just want to go to school and nothing else. The coach sighed one of them real deep sighs and said that I would have to take PE then. I didn't care. She said that I would be in the PE class that started next term and she'd see me there. That got my attention. I actually laughed about how funny that was. She asked why it was funny and I said that the girls would complain bout a boy in the class with them, specially when they were changing into PE uniforms and when the went to the shower. Ha, ha, ha. The school board would get sued.

The coack got this funny look on her face and asked why. Mom and Dad smiled and looked at me. I stared at the coach for a long time then stood up. I told her to watch me. I learned at an early age not to be embarassed bout my body. Specially cause most people thought I was a girl. I took off my t-shirt, then unfastened my pants. She was looking at my chest and just commented that I was a still undeveloped up top. That was funny. I pulled my pants off and she coud see my tidy whities. She didn't say nothing. Mom and dad just smiled encouragement at me. I turned around and pushed my undies to the floor, then turned back to face her. I had a big smile on my face. She had to see that I was a boy.

She just had this dumb look on her face, like what was I doing. I held out my arms and kinda moved my feet apart. She just looked at me. Her eyes looked into mine and moved down over my body. When she saw my winky, she got a puzzled look on her face. She said that I was still undeveloped, but that the 'Boob Fairy' would probably come to see me soon. I pointed at my 'winky' and she said that some girls just have bigger ones than others. I found out later the she couldn't see my 'jewels' cause lotsa times they didn't hang down anyway or the sweat on the skin caused them to stick to my body. I was amazed. I said that I was not gonna play ball. I figured that one of the girls in the PE class would say something, then the school would get in trouble and I'd finally get to be myself, a BOY.

Coupla weeks later, I was in the lunch room sittin by myself as usual. It was kinda hard to make freinds at this school, but I figured the heck with it. So, I was eating my lunch, when a body sits down side me. I didn't even look up. I kinda figured they'd have their joke, get a laugh, then move on. That's kinda how my school year was going at this place. I was just eating, minding my own business. The person didn't say anything but sat there for the rest of the lunch period. The next day that person was back. I still didn't say anything. Neither did they. This continued for several more days then outta the blue, I heard, "You're Connie, the softball player, ain't ya?" I nodded. I heard, "We'd really like you to come out for the team. You're really good. My dad says you're one of the best, if not the best girl softball player in the district. He was sayin that if you kept it up, you could get, maybe, a sholarship. That'd be neat." The lunch bell rang and I went to my next class. I didn't pay attention to the teachers the rest of the day. I was thinking about a scholarship. Wow!

That evening I told my folks that I was gonna go out for the team. They acepted my decision, especially when I told them about a possible scholarship. Dad pointed out that it would probably be a Girl's Softball Athletic Scholarship. I just started laughing. Then I said that if I got a scholarship and the college would not accept it, we could sue the school board. Mom and Dad had insisted on keeping duplicate school and medical records on me, from the time this mistaken identity started. My parents just laughed.

The next day, I told the coach I'd play on the team. She was happy. I did insist that I would not use the regular dressing room and she said that if I was really concerned bout the way I looked, she could ask a doctor friend of hers to look at me. She said she'd call and talk to my mom, till I saw the doctor, she let me use her private room. So preseason practice began and I was playing. Some of the girls were pretty good. I was better. They all were glad that I was on the team. Things seemed to settle down in school after that. The guys didn't pick on me, cause I was on a team. The Girls Softball team was one of the best in the state and was respected by everyone. The team and I ate lunch together and I helped a few with their homework. Things were going too good.

The School Board had this idea a few years earlier that they needed to showcase their fine young athletes. They hosted a sort of charity ball to raise money for special classes and stuff. Boys could make a donation to the charity and then were rewarded by being allowed to escort a girl athlete to the charity ball. A lot of the girls really liked this. It was a big topic at lunch, till one of the team asked who I wanted to take me to the Ball. I said no one. They wouldn't take no for an answer. I just clammed up.

Finally the doctor actually called mom and they talked on the phone for a long time. Mom told me that the doctor would see me in a couple of days, right after school. I thought this was good news. Now, maybe I could just get on with my life. Even if I had to quit the team, as long as I was a boy it was ok with me.

The big day came. Ok, I had to go to the doctor's office, but maybe now, cross your fingers, I could finally be a boy in school. The office was ok, there were a lot of girls and ladies there. They looked at me and giggled. I turned red. They giggled more. Finally my nane was called and mom and I were led to a small room. I was given some kinda night gown thing and told to put it on. Heck, it didn't even have any back to it. We sat and waited for the doctor. She came in and talked to mom and then asked me some questions. She used that ear thingy and held my wirst and looked at her watch, like you see on TV. She put this thing in her ears and a flat part of it on my back and told me to breathe. Gosh, I was breathing. Then she put it on my front and told me to breathe again. She tapped on my chest with her finger and poked my side a bunch of times. After that, she said to get on the table and put my feet in the stirrups. I didn't know what a stirrup was, but the nurse and mom helped me. Wow. This was embarassing. Then the doctor put on a pair of gloves and began to examine my winky, you know. It felt strange for someone to be handling that part of me and I turned bright red. Mom and the nurse helped calm me down. During the examination, the doctor kept going 'hmmm?'. I just wondered if she knew the word to the song and started to laugh. I guess I interrupted her cause she asked what was so funny. When I told her about the hmmms, she burst out laughing. Saying that I was clever. She soon finished her exam and said I when was dressed she would see me and mom in her office.

In the office, the doctor told mom that she was gonna send the samples off to the lab and that it would be a couple of weeks till she got the results. In the mean time, I could go back to what I was doing. She also asked if I had been having any stomach cramps or pains. Mom arched her eyes at this, but didn't say anything. I answered "No." The doctor bid us goodby and we left.

My life went back to it's usual. School and classes, then softball. The girls on the team were excited about the upcoming ball and talked about dress shopping. I was tired of the topic. Yuk! Most of them had picked over the available boys as escorts to the Ball and asked my opinion of their choices. I just refused to get involved and kept my mouth shut. I had a long history of keeping my mouth shut. I just melted into the background and let the loudmouths and bullies fight it out. I had done this all through school and it seemed to work. No one bothered me much. Time passed as time does.

A few weeks later, mom told me that the doctor called and we were to go to her office the next morning. I was glad that she was finally getting back to us. Maybe now, I thought.

There was no one at the office when we got there. The doctor had a side door and mom walked to it and knocked. The doctor opened the door and smiled at us. After showing us in she asked how I was doing. There was no change. She got the test results and put the papers on her desk, then explained what the results meant. She said that I was Androgyn sensitive and that my hormone levels were quite low. She said what the correct levels were for a boy my age and showed me how she compared mine to the normal level. I was suprised. My body was not making very much boy hormone. Then she showed me the same stuff again, This time it was about a hormone called Estrogen. It was the girl's stuff. I didn't have hardly any of that stuff either. She said that she had never saw anything like this before. Mom asked what could be done about it and the doctor said something about shots, then pills. But first she would need to do some other tests. Mom asked what kind of tests and the doctor said she wanted to test me for any possible reaction to the medicine. She would test me for both the boy and girl stuff. I started to complain, but she told me that even boys needed some of the girl juice. Ha, 'Girl Juice", I thought it was funny and laughed.

The doctor took us into another room and asked me to take off my shirt. The I was told to lay face down on the exam bed thing. When I was in the right place, the doctor put some plastic squares on my back, then wrote on them. It tickled and I squirmed. Mom sat at my head and we talked. Nothng serious, just mom talk. Sometime during talking with mom, my back started to get real hot. I felt yucky and my face turned red. Mom called the doctor in and she looked at the thing on my back and pulled them off. A tube was put on my face and I felt a breeze in my nose. The doctor told me to close my mouth and breathe slowly. She was jabbing me in the arm with a big needle and asked mom to help hold my arm still. Both mom and I were scared. I musta fell asleep or something. I woke up with the doctor standing by the bed. She asked how I was doing and I said ok for now. She said that if I was up to it, she could finish the testing today. Mom and I agreed to get it done now. So it was back on my stomach and more plastic squares and writing. She stayed in the room and mom and her chatted. I dozed. I don't know how long I dozed, but she was shaking me lightly by the shoulder. She said that I could get up and put my shirt on. I did.

We went to her regular office and she reminded us of the stuff she talked about this morning. Then she told about the reaction to the first medication. She said that it showed that I was allergic to the medication and she would not presribe it. She smiled as she talked about the second test and said that I could take that medicine. Something was funny but I couldn't figue it out. Then it hit me. She never said which medicine was which. I asked her what the name of the first medicine was and she paled. She said she was sorry, but the first medicine was a synthetic male hormone, Close to the stuff that's in boys bodies. I asked what that meant and she said she didn't know at this time. Then I asked about the second medicine and she said it was girl stuff, Estrogen. She said that I could take that, but said only in small doses. I would have to build up a tolerance to it.

My mouth was open but nothing was coming out. Finally, I gasped and then asked why I would want to take the girl stuff. She said that although I was called a boy at birth, there was not a lot of boy in me. She said that the scan thingy couldn't find any test tickles or whatever they were. I asked what a test tickle was and she laughed. Not 'test tickles' silly, but testicles she said, nuts, balls, family jewels. OH! She told mom and me that if I took the girl juice, that I could develop as a girl, cept that no babies or fooling around. Well maybe fooling around after I was old eough to have aspecial operation. Vag-i-plastic or something like that. She gave mom a paper to give to the druggist if I wanted the girl juice. She also asked if she could do one more test. We agreed and she just pulled out one of my eyebrows and put it in a plastic bag. That was it? No, it was somekind of jean test. Gene test? I told her I would do good in that test cause I wore jeans all the time. We both laughed.

Back in school the next day, everybody wanted to know what was wrong with me. Course I said nothing. I as FINE. Nothng else changed. Mom did get the girl pills from the druggist, but I didn't take them. The team still practiced and the girls talked bout the silly Ball. I said I wasn't going and meant it. They just nodded their heads and giggled. Grrr, GIRLS!

The weekend was here and I was off just doing nothing. My homework was done and I had two days of fun ahead of me. Not! Mom said that the doctor wanted to see me in the afternoon at 2:30PM. Boy, that put a crimp in my plans. But, I was back in time to go to the doctor's office. We went inthe side door again and she led us into her office. When we were settled, she asked if I remembered about the test she was gonna do with the eyelash. I said yea. She continued by saying that the gene test could tell a lot of different things about a person. Some police departments used the gene test to help catch crooks, specially the bad ones. She said bout how each person had stuff that was only theirs. They might share some common things with their parents, but everyone was different. Like I had green eyes and mom had green eyes. Stuff like that. I guessed I understood. She also said that there were 48 chromosones divided into 23 pairs of chromosones and 2 extra. The doctor said the two extra were called sex chromosones. She said that they could be either 'X' or 'Y' in certain combinations, like XX for female/girls and XY for males/boys. She also said that sometimes the chromosoned didn't match up. Then she asked me if I ever found a four leaf clover. I said no. She wasn't too suprised at this. I was wondering what all this stutt had to do with me. I guess my mind was wandering, cause I was fidgeting in the chair.

The doctor stopped talking and smiled. She looked at me and said "Bet your wondering what this has to do with you?" Gosh, you think she could read my mind? She had explained that there were 48 chromosones and 23 pair with two left over. Well, I had extras. Seems like I had two extra Xs. Then it hit me, the girl ones. Added to my boy ones gave me more. That was why I did not have boy juice in my body. She said that I only had a little girl juice cause the Y thingy was kinda stopping it from working the right way. She sat back in her chair and smiled a big smile. You know, like that cat in Alice in Wonderland. Then she said I was a GIRL. I screamed and fell of my chair.

I didn't want to be a girl. I was a boy. The doctor said that with the way my body was working, I could live as a boy. I probably wouldn't get too much bigger and would look kinds girly, though. If I took the girl pills, I could turn into a pretty girl. Uh, uh, not me. I am a boy. 100% B-O-Y. The doctor showed me and mom some charts about how people grow and then she showed us a chart done on me.

Now I ain't real big. I'm gonna be 14 soon, but I am small. I am 4 feet 8 inches tall and weigh 80 pounds. I am the smallest person on a 'Girls Softball Team'. Heck, lotsa times, when there is a long bus ride home from a game and one of the other players wants to lay down in a seat, I end up sitting on someone's lap. The girl that plays catcher usually ends up holding me. I have fallen asleep lotsa times cuddled next to her. Boy, thinking about that now sure makes me nervous. The doctor continued saying that I was not growing like a normal person. She said the reason was cause of the Androgen Insensitivity. Seems both the boy juice and the girl juice help a person grow. She showed us growth charts and then drew lines on them to show where I was. She did the same thing for the boys and the girls charts. Wow. I was off the charts. I mean at the botton. Then she put some other lines on the charts and showed me and mom what they meant.

From having the doctor draw lines on the charts, it seems that I am small for a boy and also small for a girl. I am about the right size as the average eleven year old. Boy or girl, it didn't matter. the doctor said that could be a reason why I could be seen as a girl or pass as a boy. I just grumped that I wasn't passing as anything, I WAS A BOY. The doctor smiled.

As the doctor continued to talk mom was becoming confused and angry. When she asked mom what she thought, mom didn't say anything.
Mom was speechless. How could I be a girl. There had to be some mistake. She grabbed her purse and me and we left. She said she would call the doctor later or something. The drive home was quiet. Dad was there when we got home and he asked how things went. Mom started crying. When he looked at me I just shrugged my shoulders. Mom closed the bedroom door with a loud bamg and Dad just came back into the family room.

Dad called the doctor and asked what was wrong. He talked on the phone for a long time, then hung up. Mom was still in the bedroom. dad told me to call for take out food and he'd talk to mom. I went one way and he went the other.

School was out for the holidays and there was not much to do. For some reason, Mom had let my hair get longer that unusal. It was way over my ears and I needed a haircut. Mom said she would take me to a new place she heard of. I said ok, but when. She called for appointments and told me the time. Coupla days. Then we went to this stylist person. I was just used to a regular barber, but Mom wanted this. I was put in a chair and had this big cape put over me. Mom told the lady, yea this place had lady barbers, how to cut my hair. I thought it was too long for a boy and said so, but mom smiled and said it was ok. We paid and left.

I was watching something on TV when dad got home and boy did his eyes bug out when he saw my haircut. He wasn't mad or nothing. He just smiled and said it looked nice. I didn't care, it was just a haircut to me. Mom and dad were gonna take me out to eat, but before we left, mom brushed out my hair. I didn't see what it loked like, but mom was happy. At the restaurant the waitress said we looked like twins and giggled. I knew that dad and I didn't look like twins and said so. This caused the waitress to laugh harder and then she said not me and dad but me and mom. I thought that was silly, mom was MOM and a girl. I was a boy. Anyway the food was ok. It was fun being out with my parents. As we were leaving the restaurant, one of the Sophmore boys that I know was comming in with his family. He said "Hello, Connie, you sure look pretty tonight." I turned red faced.

Then I did a dumb thing, I looked at him as he was walking cross the room with his parents. My mom saw me loking at him and I turned red again. Gosh, what was wrong with me? I'm a BOY. But I had just looked at another boy and thought he was cute. Uggh! Was I turning queer? I musta done something, cause mom was laughing. Dad asked what was so funny and mom said "nothing."