"Thanks for coming in early, you two. I know it's a pain when you work nights to have to talk with us daylight types."

"No problem, Brian. Besides, this is our last week on nights before we start working with Al to learn the job."

"That's true, but I still thank you for coming in, both of you."

"You're welcome. I assume we need to talk about a Sasquatch trap?"

"That we do," replied Brian.

"Which means I'm the bait," Titus said.

"I'm still trying to get my head around that one. That was really you?"

"Depends on your point of view, Boss. From my point of view, Titia is the real me and Titus is a disguise I have had to live with in order to get a job."

"Darned if I understand, but I feel a lot better about asking a man go into a tight spot with a known felon than a woman. I know, I know! It doesn't make any sense and I'm a macho throwback, but that's the way it is."

"Jeez Brian, you're going to start oinking any second now!" exclaimed an exasperated Paula. "I've always kinda thought I was a woman, somehow."

"Josh seemed to think so, so I guess that makes me a lousy sexist pig. Deal with it!"

"If I didn't go through menopause ten years ago I'd be tempted to pop out another kid just to make sure you realized that little fact."

"All right! I surrender! I'm trying to learn to be a Sensitive New Age Guy already. Give me some time!"

"I'd rather the Sasquatch does the time - say maybe ten to life?"

"So would I. Anyway, I talked to our HR people about Titia and they gave me a lot to think about. She isn't the first in the company even though she's the first in my bailiwick. Before you started to serve up my ass as roast pork, you mentioned something about Titia being the real person and Titus being a disguise. Did I get that right?"

"You did. If I had the money and the nerve I wouldn't ever be Titus again. I have to tell you, I was so determined to catch that beggar Saturday night that I completely forgot how I was dressed when I called Paula."

"That's some one track mind you have there."

"I have a rather personal interest in catching the bastard. Some security guard that lets the bad buy toss 'em in a dumpster."

"Hey - he missed. He can make mistakes," Paula temporized.

"Like asking for my phone number."

"And what will he see on the Caller ID?"

"T. Burns."

"Which will make him damn sure you're a woman as most men use their full names."

"Obviously I'm not most men."

"That's for sure. You're very believable."

"Because Titia is the real one, not Titus."

"Does that mean that Titia will be Paula's assistant?"

"I… I never thought about it."

"I hadn't either," Paula spoke.

"And you're supposed to be the one with the radical ideas here," teased Brian.

"That was the sixties, fella. I'm a grandmother now."

"Great-grandmother. And I'll bet you were right out in front marching for women's lib."

"Damn straight!"

Do me a favor though?"

"What?"

"If you're going to burn your bra, do it outside. We have smoke detectors these days."

"Why you!"

"Paula, remember you're a nice little old lady now."

"Bullshit!"

"Such language! And you really want her to be your assistant?"

"Wisdom comes in many forms, Boss."

"As do women, from all appearances. I suppose if Titia can lure a criminal into a trap she might be able to be a credible assistant."

"I… I…"

"The correct answer is 'yes,' Titia," prompted Paula.

"Yes."

"OK, now that's settled. We need to talk about how to set a trap…"

 

"How d'ya like them apples, partner?"

"Apples, Paula? That's an apple orchard, complete with a bloody farm market!"

"Thought you might be pleased."

"But why? How?"

"Why? Because we love you… M-I-C-K… Aw shit. You wouldn't have any idea what I'm singing about."

"You got that right."

"The Mickey Mouse Club, TV from the stone ages. I grew up on the show. That was part of the theme song, we all sang it at the top of our lungs and drove our parents crazy."

"Which helps to explain why you're crazy, I suppose."

"As good an excuse as any. Why? Because I agree that Titia is the real part of you and you need to let her out. How? I blathered Brian's ear off all Sunday until I wore him down. I want Titia to be my assistant and I'm ornery enough to bitch and moan until I get my way."

"Maybe you ought to be the one to go on a date with the Sasquatch."

"Right! I may be a lot of things, but sexy and young are not among 'em. Even though just about anyone seems young to me in my advanced decrepitude, you qualify and if Titia is sexy enough to end up in my granddaughter's bed you obviously qualify there, too."

"Jesus! You don't pull any punches, do you?"

"I gave up being subtle when I got old. I don't know how much time I have left so I'm not wasting any of it on beating around the bush. From what she tells me, you've already taken care of beating my granddaughter's bush, anyway."

"Paula!"

"Titia! So now the hard part is sitting here for four more days being on guard and trying not to fall asleep. The easy part will be switching from night shift to day shift - I've gone that way a bunch of times and it doesn't take much effort. Going the other way is a bitch."

"I remember. You had to just about tap dance on me to keep me awake when we started."

"Good thing us old farts don't sleep so well at night, it wasn't too hard for me to make the switch."

"Will you stop with the old fart crap? You're not so old."

"I didn't think so until you started dating my granddaughter. That kind of messes with my head thinking of you as a contemporary partner and a possible grandson-in-law. Shit! Granddaughter-in-law."

"What is it with old women that makes them want to marry off anyone they run into. Am I going to have to do that when I get old?"

"I don't know if it's genetic or cultural. What were your grandmothers like?"

"One was cuddly, the other one was scary."

"I think Titia takes after the cuddly one. At least Paula seems to think so."

"Keep that up and I'm thinking you're Paula's scary grandmother."

"Bet your padded ass! I did break that dude's leg the other day."

"Yeah, I'm sure he's convinced you’re a scary grandmother, but it's a little too early for me to be claiming you as my grandmother. Give me a few more months to get to know Paula before you call the preacher."

"Might have to be a judge. Even though same-sex marriage is kosher these days it might be hard to find a preacher to do it."

"Will you cut that out! Nobody's getting married."

"So what are you going to tell Paula when you set up a date with the Sasquatch? You don't want to make her jealous."

"I'll take her with me. What guy could resist two hot chicks at once?"

"He looked big enough that he might just be able to pull it off, but I doubt he'll stay out of jail long enough to get either of you in bed."

"I almost wish he could get me in his bedroom so I could watch him when he discovers he's the one getting screwed, not me."

"You're a perverse sucker, partner. You'd better hope the cops have enough people there to pinch him before you end up alone with him again. He might not be as helpful as I was when he sees what's in your bra."

"I didn't have anything in my bra when you took it off me, partner. First time I've had a woman take off my bra it wasn't romantic in the least."

"Which goes to show fantasy is usually best left as fantasy. Reality sucks."

"Not for me. Titia gets to live in the real world permanently thanks to you, Paula."

"I stand corrected, and we need to stand up and start walking our rounds. No rest for the weary, partner."

 

Paula the younger
Ring… Ring… Ring…

"Hey Titia, you're phone's ringing."

"Crap!" came from behind the bathroom door.

"You're in the right room for that, girl."

"Can you answer it for me?"

"Sure… Hello?… Oh, hi!… No, she couldn't get to the phone fast enough so I answered it for her. Hold on a minute… You must be the guy she's been going on about, the great dancer."

"Give me my phone before you steal him away from me, girlfriend! Is this Cody?"

An intense look of concentration crossed Titia's face.

"I was hoping you'd call. I'd love to have you take me dancing again. I had a great time the other night."

She mimed holding her nose for me.

"Friday night? Saturday would be better… Oh… You're working Saturday night. Ain't life a bitch? Bosses seem to schedule you for the worst possible times, don't they? Hmmm, I'm supposed to be working but I'm sure I can get someone to cover for me."

Somehow I got the feeling Granny-mom wasn't going to be working Friday night - at least not at her usual place.

"Dinner? That would be… lovely…"

For once Titia looked like she was less than the confident woman she usually seemed.

"Dancing? After the last time we danced, I can't wait to get you on the floor with me again! There's a place with a great band on Fridays, called Crossroads… I'd love that, Cody!… You'll pick me up? Uh, sure… Six o'clock?"

Titia's eyes rose to the heavens above in consternation. I whispered "Here!" in her ear and pointed at the floor emphatically. She stumbled through giving him my address.

"See you Friday, Cody. I'm looking forward to it!"

Her enthusiasm made a fast recovery as she pressed the call end button on her phone."

"He's working Saturday night and leaving town on Sunday. I'd better call Brian, things just got a lot more complicated, didn't they?"

 

Paula the elder
"It's too bad we couldn't have made the switch to days this week, it would have made these strategy sessions easier on everyone,"

"Which is the first order of business. After getting advance warning of the Sasquatch's plans for the weekend, I'm going to find substitutes right away and you and Titia start days right away. With the police involved it goes quite a bit beyond our usual operations. I need you available to work with the cops. Tomorrow morning go home and sleep yourself into oblivion so you can be ready."

"Who would have believed it? A boss that's helping me get ready for a hot date!"

"Don't make me regret being a nice guy, Titus."

"I won't. Any word on what we're trying to accomplish on Friday. I take it we aren't just going to just arrest the guy like we planned."

"Not any more. We want to get whoever he's working with, too. He's probably too good to go blabbing to any chick he picks up, but I hope you can get him to let slip enough to give us some clues."

"I'll certainly try. I've never gone on a date as Titia, though. It's always been with a group of friends."

"Can you folks give me a little time for my head to stop spinning? This whole thing is a bit out of my experience."

"Don't worry, Brian. Titia is a perfect lady, after all she lived with me for a week so I know."

"She what? I think Al isn't the only one who needs to retire! I should stick to dumb-ass bank robbers who smile at the security cameras on the way out. Then I get a Sasquatch and…"

"You look like you could use a hug, Brian."

"Don't you dare, Paula. Next thing you know we'll be chanting 'Aum' and doing Yoga on the floor. This is still a business, dammit!"

"There, there, Brian. Get it all out of your system."

"I should have quit before you finished training me, I could have gone to California and become a beach bum."

"Actually, Yoga is a great stress reliever, Boss," offered Titus. "It's helped Titia a lot."

"Out! Go and watch TV in that fancy control room of yours, you're going to have to do some real work starting Thursday."