“Lung cancer? Are you sure? But I've never smoked.” Jamie was in denial, a not uncommon reaction to bad news.

“Ninety-nine percent sure. I suspected it, but I didn't want to say anything until you'd had the tests. You said you've been working in clubs for years; do the patrons smoke?” When Jamie said they did, she continued. “There is such a thing as 'passive smoking', where people who are non-smokers inhale smoke from other people, and this can lead to cancer.”

“How long have I got, doctor?” said Jamie. Now that the initial shock was over, she wanted to put things in order rather than leave a mess for Michaela to clean up. Michaela! How was she going to break the news to her? She'd be devastated. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

“I honestly don't know how long you've got, it could be a few months or a year. What I want to do is have you admitted to a hospital with a specialist respiratory unit who can decide on what is the best treatment for you. They will probably want to do something called a lung biopsy, where they insert a needle into your lung and remove some of the cells to be examined under the microscope.”

“So it can be treated?” asked Jamie with a sudden flash of hope.

“I'm a G.P. You need to see a specialist who can answer that question.”

Two days later, after contacting the club to say that she had to go to hospital and wouldn't be back for a while, Jamie found herself in a hospital bed in a single room, waiting for the specialist whom she was assured would be coming to see her soon. She felt uncomfortable with the fact that she couldn't wear her normal breast forms and had to fill her bra with some 'chicken fillet' forms to give the shape to the cups instead. The nursing staff had been very understanding about her presenting as a female, but what would the specialist think?

She was dozing when she heard a familiar voice say “Of all the hospitals, in all the towns, in all the world ...”

“And she walks into mine,” Jamie opened her eyes and finished the quote. “Hello, Sam.”

He looked older of course and his once black hair was speckled with grey, but his piercing blue eyes and his smile and voice were the same.

“Hello Jamie, what brings you here?”

Jamie managed a smile. “Sometimes a girl has to go to great lengths to catch up with old friends.” She noticed that he was wearing a wedding ring; he noticed the gold locket on a chain around her neck. Aware of his glance, without thinking she reached up to gently touch it.

“I don't even know if I should be examining you,” he said softly.

“Of course you can, but call in a nurse as a chaperone if you like.”

“Perhaps I should for proprieties sake,” Sam said and disappeared for a few moments, returning with a junior nurse.

“Miss Brown and I are old friends,” he said to the nurse. “She thought I might feel more comfortable with another female in the room.” He drew the curtains around the bed and Jamie slipped her nightdress down to her waist and removed her bra. The nurse's eyes widened at her lack of breasts. She sat forward on the bed and took the required 'big breaths' as Sam moved the stethoscope around her body. When he had finished, Jamie pulled up her nightdress again and Sam opened the curtains, he told the nurse she was no longer required but to please leave the door open.

“Well?” said Jamie. “What's the verdict?”

“I'm afraid there's little doubt about it, but I'd like to do a biopsy to complete the diagnosis. It will be done under a local anaesthetic, so you can go home tomorrow. Are you alright for us to do it this afternoon?”

“Of course,” replied Jamie. That afternoon she was wheeled into the operating theatre for the procedure as it was a more aseptic place than the ward. She had had a sedative which made her feel a bit sleepy. After an injection in her chest which stung a little, the actual procedure was only slightly uncomfortable.”

“We're sending the sample off to the pathology lab now for examination. They can do a quick test on it and I should have the result in an hour or so,” said Sam.

After the puncture site had a dressing applied, Jamie was wheeled back to her room to recover from the sedative and wait for Sam's return.

“I'm sorry to say it's not good,” said Sam. “The biopsy confirms it's something called an adenocarcinoma. I've looked at your X-rays and CT scan. The tumours are large and it appears that the cancer has spread to other parts of your body.” His face contorted into a scowl. “Damn smoking,” he growled. “Why does the government allow a poisonous product to be freely available, all because they get tax money from it? I know it's not your fault, but passive or active smoking, the result is the same.”

“So there's nothing you can do for me?” said Jamie, quietly.

“We can give you palliative care, make sure you're not in pain. I'm afraid the cancer is too far advanced for chemotherapy and anyway the treatments have severe side effects. We can try if you like, but if you were my wife I'd advise against it.”

“Speaking of which, I see you're wearing a wedding ring,” said Jamie.

“Yes, Clara and I have been married twelve years now. We have three children, two boys, Aaron and Thomas, and a girl Susan. I have a picture of them if you'd like to see it?”

“Yes please,” said Jamie, and reaching into his wallet, Sam produced a small colour photo of a pretty woman and three handsome children.”

“I'm so glad for you, they're lovely,” said Jamie in almost a whisper.

“Thank you,” said Sam. He felt so sorry for Jamie. The sight of the locket he had given her, still worn around her neck had shocked him and brought back old memories.

“I have a partner, Michaela; well at least that's when she's with me, when she's at work, she has to be Michael. We joke that she crossdresses to go to work. I guess you could say that things worked out well for both of us,” said Jamie, and then she paused and caught her breath. “Oh Michaela, how am I going to break the news to her?”

Sam sat on the chair beside the bed. Jamie reached out to him and he took her hand. “In my experience, it's best to come straight out with it, don't try and sugar-coat it.”

“How long do I have Sam?”

“It's an educated guess but I'm thinking about three months, maybe a little more.”

“It couldn't have happened at a worse time. As Michael, she has just been promoted to head a new branch of the company in Edinburgh. She's up there now but comes back at the weekend. I haven't told her I'm in hospital. Can I be discharged now?”

“Of course,” said Sam. If he was surprised at Jamie's domestic arrangements, his expression didn't show it. “I'll give you a script for painkillers. You don't need them now, but the time will come when you will. Please don't be a Stoic and put up with pain. Take them when you need them, it will improve your quality of life. I'll let the charge nurse know that you are alright to go home, and I'll write to your G.P..”

“Thanks, Sam. I'm so glad you will be looking after me.”

“You can count on it,” said Sam.

Jamie returned home and prepared for Michaela's return. On Friday evening, she cooked dinner and took great care with her makeup and hair and to wear a pretty dress. She didn't want to look sick when Michaela arrived. Instead, she wanted to choose the moment when she broke the news to her.

When Michaela arrived, she put her suitcase down and swept Jamie into her arms.

“It's so good to be home,” she exclaimed.

“Tea's nearly ready. Why don't you change and then you can tell me all about Edinburgh over tea,” said Jamie.

“When Michaela reappeared, now with her hair styled, makeup applied and in a dress and heels, Jamie served the meal and they chatted as they ate it. Michaela reported that she was making good progress in setting up the new branch. She had already interviewed a number of potential staff members and found some good people.

“I can hardly believe I've finally got the promotion I've wanted for so long,” she said.

After dinner, Janie made coffee and they sat on the couch together.

“What's your news for me?” asked Michaela. “I knew you had something to tell me as soon as I arrived, but I went along with your suggestions of changing and tea first. Now it is your turn.”

“Was I so obvious?” said Jamie. “Yes, I do have something to tell you, but if I had spoken as soon as you arrived, we would never have had tea. I went to the doctor about my shortness of breath and cough and after examining me he sent me for a chest X-ray and CT scan. I'm afraid it's bad news; I have cancer. It's in both lungs but it's also spread.”

The shock silenced Michaela for a moment. “You've never been a smoker, how did it happen?”

“I've worked in clubs for years. Some people are more sensitive to the smoky atmosphere than others,” replied Jamie.

“Oh Jamie!” said Michaela. Her face was white with shock. Jamie reached for her and they hugged. She could feel Michaela's body shaking.

“It's alright Michaela. It was a shock for me too but I've accepted it now. There's nothing can be done but take pain killers later.

“Well, there's only one thing to do; on Monday I'll contact our CEO, and tell him to find someone else to set up the Edinburgh branch.”

“Please don't do that Michaela. You've wanted this for so long and you deserve it so much. If you do, then sometime in the future there will be a little voice in your ear that says 'If only I hadn't got mixed up with Jamie, I'd be in Edinburgh now, not stuck here in London'. I'd never forgive myself if that happened.

“I have another suggestion; I have to resign from the jazz club straight away and after that, there will be nothing to stop me coming to Edinburgh. I don't suppose you've had a chance to find a flat yet, so I could do that while you are setting up the office. How does that sound?”

Michaela stared at Jamie. “Would you do that for me?”

“Of course, it will give me something positive to do, and then we can live together and see much more of each other for a while. Sam says I've got at least three months.” His name had slipped out before she realised

“Sam?” said Michaela, and Jamie wondered if she'd said the right thing but there could be no secrets from each other now.

“Yes. I was in hospital for a couple of days to see a respiratory specialist and have a biopsy to check on the type of cancer I have. Well, that specialist turned out to be Sam Johnson, whom I met when he was a medical student.”

“The Sam who gave you the locket,” said Michaela. It wasn't really a question.

“Yes, that Sam. When the time comes and I have to go into hospital again, I'd like to come back to London again. Sam said he'd look after me. You wouldn't mind that would you?”

“Of course not,” said Michaela.

Jamie hugged her. “Thank you, darling. What would I do without you?”

“I feel the same way,” whispered Michaela. What she was thinking was 'What will I do without you?'

That night they hugged as they laid in bed, and at some point, they both cried and perhaps that was for the best because it's always better to release emotion rather than hold it in.

They enjoyed the weekend together and discussed what sort of flat Jamie should look for in Edinburgh. Michaela was currently staying in a hotel room which happened to have a double bed, so there would be no problem in Jamie staying with her for a few days. On Sunday evening Michaela took the train back to Edinburgh and on Monday morning, Jamie rang the Blue Note club and asked when Ronnie would have time to see her.

At eleven o'clock in the morning, she was sitting in Ronnie's office and telling him about her cancer, the probable cause, and the prognosis. Ronnie's face was white.

“I can hardly believe it,” he said. “We have quite a good airconditioning unit which turns over the air in the club. It's much better than it used to be.”

“I know that, Ronnie. I'm not blaming you, but some people are more sensitive to cigarette smoke than others.”

Ronnie was deep in thought for a minute. “I hate to think of you just disappearing from the club; you have a lot of fans here. Can I run an idea past you? How would it be if we held a farewell night for you in a couple of weeks? You wouldn't have to sing if you didn't wish to. Another thing, we would make it a smoke-free night. How does that sound?”

“That sounds great, Ronnie. I'd really like that. I'm going up to Edinburgh for a while. My partner is setting up a new branch of his company there, but we'd certainly come down for a night like that. Thank you for thinking of it.”

“No, thank you Jamie. It's been wonderful having you sing at the club.” Ronnie stood up and kissed Jamie on the cheek. “Let's make it Friday week, alright?”

“I'll look forward to it,” said Jamie. When she left Ronnie's office, he sat there for a while, just staring at the wall. “Bugger,” he muttered to himself. “Bugger, bugger, bugger.”

Leaving the club, Jamie went on another errand. Despite telling Michaela that there would be no secrets between them, this was something she wanted to deal with on her own. When the time came, she would tell her.

Her final destination was a shop where she could buy a relatively large suitcase, one of the modern ones with four wheels on the bottom which are so much easier to move. At home, she sorted out some clothes for herself and Michaela, who at present was forced to wear men's clothes all the time. She couldn't even wear a nightdress in case the hotel staff saw it and wondered what was going on. Fortunately, Jamie and Michaela could wear the same size clothes, so the staff would have no idea that they belonged to two different people. As she packed the suitcase she thought how fortunate it was that women's clothes are so much lighter than men's and properly packed, took up less room.

Jamie went to bed early and was up at six o'clock the next morning to have a light breakfast and take the train to Edinburgh. Arriving there she took a taxi to the hotel where Michaela had informed the hotel staff that her partner was coming to stay for a few days, so she was shown up to their room where she could unpack the suitcase. She had already phoned Michaela to tell her that she had arrived, and then she went out again to start flat hunting.

She entered the first estate agent's office she found, and quickly realised that the flats in the inner city area were almost without exception not only expensive but lacking a garage, and they would need that to park Michaela's little car. The only alternative was to look for somewhere in the outer suburbs of Edinburgh where newer flats were available. One of the staff members was having a quiet day and was only too happy to devote the afternoon to showing this glamorous woman around Edinburgh. He even offered to buy her a coffee. Jamie took pains to point out that she would be living there with her partner but was careful to only give vague answers to the agent's probing questions.

They visited two flats which were totally unsuitable, but then John the agent suggested visiting Leith, the port of Edinburgh on the Firth of Forth. The small block of flats was near the Water of Leith, the main river of Edinburgh which flows into the Firth. The moment she saw it, Jamie felt sure this would be the one, but she suppressed her excitement. The building was not new but the interior had been totally renovated, and what's more, it came with a single garage.

Unlike their flat in London, this one was unfurnished and Jamie wondered what Michaela would think of her choosing the furnishings. She told John that she was definitely interested and would like her partner to view it before a decision was made. John gave her the usual agent talk about 'other people being interested', and that 'it wouldn't last long', in the hope of getting her to sign up right away, but she insisted that Michael, as she had to call him, should see it first. She rang him in his new office in Princes Street and asked if he could get away for an hour to view the flat.

When Michaela saw the flat she was as enthusiastic as Jamie, and as a result, they were driven back to the agents' office and signed up on the spot. Since the flat was unoccupied, this meant they could move in as soon as they had some furnishings. Michaela suggested that Jamie come back to see the new office and meet the staff who had been appointed. This included a charming young woman, most appropriately named Heather who was the typist/receptionist and happened to be wearing a tartan skirt. There's something about the Scottish accent which is most beguiling, whether it comes from the mouth of a man or woman. Michael's assistant was called Ian and was a tall handsome redheaded man with a fine beard. Jamie resisted the temptation to say that the office was starting to look like 'Brigadoon'. Thank goodness Ian wasn't wearing a kilt, although Jamie wondered if Michaela would be tempted to wear one when she settled in. After all, Scotland must be one of the few places in the world where a man can wear something resembling a skirt without anyone giving him a second glance.

Jamie was shown around the office which was bright and airy and situated on the third floor of the building with a wonderful view of the castle.

“Did you have to pay extra for the view?” asked Jamie, and Michaela laughed.

“No, but it is rather splendid isn't it?”

“Well, I should leave you to it I've taken up enough of your time today. Perhaps I should go and look at some furniture?”

“Please do,” said Michaela. “The sooner we have furniture the sooner we can move in.”

That evening, Jamie and Michaela discussed how they would furnish the flat, and made some lists. The priorities were a bed, dressing table, kitchen table and chairs, a refrigerator, washing machine, and dryer. They already had their own cutlery, crockery and kitchen utensils in London, but would buy enough to see them through until they could pick up the rest. Everything else could be bought later. One thing Michaela had already realised was that it rains a lot in Scotland and although the small backyard contained a clothesline, the days of the year it could be used were limited, so a clothes dryer was almost essential. Fortunately, a dishwasher and stove were already installed.

Michaela gave Jamie 'carte blanche' to purchase the furniture and she really enjoyed herself except when the thought came into her head that she only had a limited time to enjoy the items. Nevertheless, she did purchase all that they initially needed in a couple of days, and now that she had the key to the flat, she arranged for all the items to be delivered before the end of the week. They could spend the weekend setting up everything and moved out of the hotel and into the flat on Sunday.

As they settled in, Michaela said “Darling, this would have taken me months to do on my own. Thank you so much for coming up here to help me.”

“There's nowhere else I would rather be,” replied Jamie.

They didn't talk much about Jamie's future; they didn't avoid it but it seemed that all that needed to be said had already been said.

“I can't get over how calm you are about the future,” said Michaela one day.

“I'm not afraid,” said Jamie. “If all the churches are right, there's a wonderful new existence on the other side, something we can't possibly imagine. If they are wrong and there's nothing, well I won't know about it, will I? Another thing, I think most people are afraid of being in pain as they die and Sam has assured me that won't happen to me.”

Michaela said nothing, she just hugged Jamie, so that Jamie couldn't see the tears in her eyes..

Once they had moved into the flat it became obvious that more things were needed. Jamie was buying things with a view to the fact that Michaela would eventually be in the flat on her own. She didn't mind if Michaela found someone to replace her eventually, but she knew it wouldn't be for a while at least.

To be concluded.

Next time: The final wish.