It had been a while since I took the bus, so much so that I forgot how much I loved to hate it. Our bus was not packed tight, but the trip was long and it was too dark to read, too bumpy to do homework and too loud to try and sleep. The best you could do was put your jacket or a flannel against the windows and lean your head on it so when the bus struck every. Single. Damn. Hole in the road you wouldn’t jackhammer your brain.
Alex scrunched himself in a seat by himself and closed his eyes. I was not as lucky, as I had to sit next to a sixth grader who kept talking about things to the other kids around him. Wednesday left with Paul, of course. Would they eventually get to school, that was the billion dollar question. Since Alexis spent the night at the Daniels’ house, she missed out on the fun. Lucky her.
An hour later the bus pulled up on the side of the old gym and I stepped off the bus without anything—since I left my bag at the Daniels’ and they didn’t seem to think about bringing it to me when they made the decision to drive like Hell to our house. No big loss.
“Cherry!”
Christy stood on the sidewalk with my bag in her hands.
“How did you get that?”
“Would you believe Chastille?”
“No kidding.” I said as Christy handed my bag over to me.
“I heard Alex pulled a gun.”
“Heard it from who?” I asked as I opened my bag to see it had all of the photocopies from the day before, a pen and a pencil.
“Becky. And she heard it from Chad.”
“That never happened.”
“So, he didn’t hold John at gunpoint?”
“No, I’m sure he thought about it. I kind of did too.”
“We better find Becky before the story makes it to the high school.”
“Bet it was Josh. Asshole.”
“I guess you haven’t told him yet?”
“I thought about it,” I said as we started walking. “I also thought that Leah and John would treat me like a prisoner or they would blame it all on me.”
“Oh,” Christy replied as she looked ahead.
“Something else?” I asked as I sensed she wanted to say more.
“You may change your mind the further you go.”
“Maybe, well ,yeah. I keep changing my mind from shouting it to everyone to not saying anything at all.”
“What do you think he’d say?”
“I want to think he’d help me or at least want to be around. If he doesn’t, then high school’s going to really suck. God, I can’t believe I’m saying that. See? Every other second I think I want to talk to Josh or kill him ”
“We need to invite Jerry Springer to Reardan.”
“Dibs on Steve,” I replied as we walked into the school near the cafeteria.
Becky met us halfway down the hall.
“Was it a revolver or a shotgun?”
“Laser guns, Becky! Big, fucking, laser guns!” I yelled, which got the attention of a few of grade schoolers.
“Well, with Alex you never know.” Becky said with a shrug.
I agreed with her. Ever since Dad vanished, Alex’s moods swung from forever happy to extremely pissed. I wanted to say it was from the coffee, nicotine or pot, but I was never sure. Could I imagine him pointing a gun at someone? No, as said before, he looked stupid but he wasn’t dumb.
At least not that dumb.
I opened my locker to see nothing was in it. A part of my was happy but I was also disappointed because I thought that maybe I would receive something new. Maybe some firecrackers or a dirty limerick?
“No explosives. Nothing. See, it’s like a brand new day,” Christy said.
“I was really hoping for a dead skunk.” Becky said with a sigh.
“Eww.”
“Better than a live one,” I replied as I laid my bag inside and slammed the door.
“Becky, really?” Christy asked as we walked down the hall.
“Think of the fricking awesome stories we could tell about it! That, and maybe half a day off of school due to the smell.”
“You found a skunk at your house, didn’t you?”
“Tom did.”
Christy and I just nodded.
“You talk to Josh?”
We looked down the hall and saw Josh talking with Chad.
“Not since last night. But, I wouldn’t have called it talking.”
“Are you going to?”
“I asked her that too,” Christy said.
I wanted to. I really wanted to, but in the middle of the hall wasn’t the best time. I also assumed that he was pissed at either what I said to him or what Leah had interpreted.
“I’m just going to my desk,” I replied as I stepped into the classroom.
I sat down my desk and laid my head down. Yeah, I almost felt like crying. I was miserable. I didn’t want to tell Josh anything but I also didn’t want to be alone through it all. Sure, I’d have my family—if I told them—and I had my friends but I would be given the title of “single teen mother” even though it takes another person. Did I want to have a better relationship with Josh?
Maybe.

I mean, my parents—when they were both around—had issues and sometimes it looked like they would scream at each other until one of their heads exploded but there were times where I’d see them sitting close together on the couch. They usually sat watching TV or drinking coffee, hardly ever making small talk but I believed that was just how their relationship was, I admit I missed seeing it, as Mom would just come home from work and either work on her wood-working projects or go to her room without saying anything to us.
Christmas sucked that year. Yeah, we exchanged gifts with each other and no one asked where anyone got the money for said gifts. We barely got the tree up as it and all of the decorations were buried in the garage that we had to do a five hour excavation to retrieve just the tree. Alex “acquired” new lights and some glass bulbs. We spent some time on Christmas Eve with the Daniels’ and they dragged Alexis and me with them.

Everything was in Latin. Everything. Was. In Latin. I didn’t recognize one song and they didn’t give any translation. I simply stood next to Josh in my quasi-nice-looking dress and tried to look like I belonged there without feeling like I might spontaneously combust on contact with holy water or from whatever the priest mumbled about. The only thing that made me feel a little better was sitting next to Josh and hold his hand both in the car and at the parish. I didn’t care that we were young or how stupid it may sound but I felt a peace over me for a few hours. It was an experience I hadn’t felt in a long time, like a heavy fog lifting that was over me since Dad vanished and our family sank further into that bottomless pit of despair. I wanted us to laugh about things. I wanted to not care that I was poor or that things would never be like they were in books or movies.

We left the midnight mass and came to the Daniels’ home and Alex took us back to the house. I almost didn’t; go, but Alexis demanded that we spend Christmas Day as a family. I took a look at Josh and he said he’d call me. I guess it made sense as I knew we wouldn’t be able to stay in a room by ourselves and since it was close to one in the morning, all of his brothers would be in the room too. Still, I wish I had just grabbed him and demanded for him to come to our house instead.
I decided to tell him during detention and accept whatever was said. If he laughed—in a good way—then we talk about what we would do from there. If he laughed and then turned white as a sheet then I would exclaim that I was scared shitless too and that we would tell our parents together. If he did anything else than I’d kick his ass and accept additional days of detention.

My heart pounded in my chest for most of the morning. Thing is, that I had survived trips with Alex; I have have my sisters scream in my face, and I’ve stayed up two full days. However, none of those times had I felt any pain or palpitation. It was normal for me and talking to Josh like a human being was normal, but it changed and became all new, like I was afraid or shy to talk to him without yelling.
We sat our desks in the room, but instead of just a divider, we were on the opposite side of the room from each other and well within earshot of the office staff.
“Josh,” I hissed and then listened for a response. Twenty seconds later, I whispered a little louder, “Joshua.”
“What?” He asked in almost a mumble.
I looked toward to the door, hoping that Maria would not turn to look at us.
“I need to talk to you,” I said with my hands to my lips.
“Are we on speaking terms?”
“Yes.”
“No, we are not.”
“Look, I’m sorry about last night. That’s kind of what I need to tell you.”
There was a delay in his response. I wanted to just get up and walk over to his desk instead of cupping my ear to try and hear him.
“I don’t care,” he whispered.
“You used to care...we used to talk about things.”
“Really?” Josh yelled as he stood up. “Did we? I think it was just you always talking about your family. Nothing but, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!”
“Hey!” Marie yelled from the other side of the wall.
Josh stood up and stoned over to my desk.
“Why don’t you go away, like your dad!”
“What?”
“It would make this school a better place if you and the rest of your family just got the fuck out of here!”
Marie stepped into the room, but she was too late.
"Fuck you, Josh!" I yelled as I punched him in the face.

The fight didn’t last long as Marie stood between us and Josh never had the chance to do anything. He was lead out of the room and Marie ordered—literally—for me to sit down and not move. I was content with that. I had nothing further to say to anyone, not even to the principal when he asked what happened.

Of course, he had the office call my mother’s work, but she was not able to come to the phone at the time so I spent the remainder of the day in that room to reflect on everything—Mr. B’s words, not mine. I had nothing to reflect on, I didn’t care. I needed to make a t-shirt in Home Ec that had the words “leave me alone” scrawled across it, perhaps made up of little pictures of Josh is in various degrees of agony?

I kind of wanted to see if I left a mark on him. Hopefully, there was a huge red spot on his face that pulsated and be like a neon sign for everyone to gawk at. But, I also thought of the retaliation he could do, now that that we ratcheted things up a bit. Would I need my sisters and brother to guard me against Leah and John? Josh, I could handle him and Becky would keep Chad in-check, but Josh’s parents?
For a split-second, I actually felt a fear for my life.