The Unconventional, Unsuspecting Princess If you can’t find a good fairytale, can't find a good setting, or even just a string of child-friendly characters... sometimes you just have to make do with what you’ve got, right?

 

Once upon a time in a kingdom far away, there lived a Princess who—

“What the hell?!”

Ahem, as I was saying; There lived a Princess who was—

“Where the hell is that voice coming from? I swear, if this is Nick’s idea of a joke I’m gonna—”

Can you please be quiet. I’ve not even introduced you yet, this is highly unprofessional

“Unprofessional? I’m not the one sneaking into a guy’s bedroom talking about Princesses buddy, hiding speakers around while I was asleep or something equally creepy!”

Ah, I think I see our problem here. In order to give the proper setting to our tale I neglected to first set the scene as needed.

“What the hell does that mea—”

Never fear! I shall do so now to avoid further confusion. Once upon a time—yadi yadi yada—the Princess did not know of her own royal position and had in fact lived her life as a lowly commoner of her people in her nation’s capital known colloquially as ‘Kingston upon Hull’, home of the brave warrior force ‘Hull City A.F.C’ who fought with pride in the weekly tournament of their nation known as ‘Foot-ball’ to the locals.

“…Hull’s not the capital of the UK, dumbass, that’s London. Also Hull City are a sports team, not some mythical warrior army of—”

Excuse me, young lady, but do you want to tell this story instead of me?

“…Can I?...”

No; that would be physically impossible because you happen to be my main character.

“How convenient for you…”

It is rather, isn’t it?

“Wait, what the hell d’you mean young lady?!”

As I was saying, on this day specifically her life was about to change dramatically, starting at the moment she opened her eyes from a restful night’s sleep to—

“No, no, no, no! You don’t just get to steamroll past that one, mate; what did you mean young lady and what’s with all this ‘she’ stuff?”

...The Princess was an arrogant brat who didn’t know how to respect her elders properly!

“Good thing I’m not a Princess then, huh? She sounds like a total—”

If the Princess would just open her eyes then we could get on with this and her needlessly annoying questions would be answered so we can continue with the story at last!

“Fine”

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Daylight bloomed in the unsuspecting Princesses eyes as she begrudgingly cracked them open. Slowly she blinked a few times in confusion causing long, thick eyelashes to flutter distractingly in her field of vision as she stared up at a large pink canopy of silken material above her bed which she was pretty sure wasn’t there when she went to sleep the night befo—

“What the hell!”

Oh, do calm down. That’s just Bob, he does visual descriptions for me for a small fee. He’s rather good, you know, he had a novel in the top two-hundred list last year and—

“Not that, what the hell is up with the canopy thing and my eyelashes?!”

You’re seriously not going to just calm down and get on with this, are you?— This is what I get for working with amateurs. Can I request that you at least keep the language a bit more appropriate to a fairytale setting?

“Language! Someone’s strung up pink silk stuff in my room and put mascara on me while I slept, I’ll show you some f—”

And with that comment, you now lose the right to swear for the rest of the story. I tried to warn you but would you listen?... no, you wouldn’t, because you’re playing a bratty little Princess and you’re also apparently a method actor.

“What the heck is happeni—what the fairy-cake-covered-sugar-treats was tha—GAH!”

As I said, you’ve now lost the right to swear until our story is over. Keep pushing me and I’ll have you only conversing in big-mouse approved musical numbers instead, understand?

The unsuspecting Princess flinched visibly and nodded her head quickly in acceptance to avoid that horrifying possibility, a move which stopped sharply when she felt an unexpected tug at the back of her head which could only realistically mean one thing at this point.

Thanks Bob; and yes, that is a long train of Princess-worthy hair trapped under your supine form you can feel tugging on your scalp right now.

“AHHH!”

The Princess shot up from her bed in a frantic rush, sprinting across the room filled with so many wrong details that her eyes could barely take any of them in as she moved towards the large vanity mirror on her new white and pink makeup table which once held a rather battered stereo system she’d gotten from her Uncle the previous summer in exchange for some help in writing his taxes because the man was a builder by trade and found the paperwork both intimidating an—

Okay, I think they get it Bob. Ease off on the unnecessary backstory, would you?

“AHHHH!!”

The Princess stared in horror at the petite, undeniably sweet and attractive feminine face staring back at her in the mirror. The mirror showed her new form perfectly from the top of her sleep-ruffled mane of luxurious blonde curls across her plump lips and the upper half of her new body’s lithe frame encased in the rather daring, princess pink skin-tight babydoll nightgown she was wearing which barely covered the heaving clef of her surprisingly large b—

That will do Bob! Thank you, less detail is sometimes appreciated my good man.

“AAHHHH!!!”

The Princess’s new, delicately girlish hand rose up to point at her reflection as her brain began to shut down out of sheer mortified fear of what she had presented before her. A situation which was probably exasperated by the voices she could hear narrating her current journey in detail in the few precious moments she’d actually been awake this morning so far and definitely had a hand in the inevitable crash that came moments later when—

Bob, don’t you dare!

When she passed out in a dead faint worthy of the unsuspecting Princess she now was!

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Fifteen Seconds Later

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“Urggg… what a weird flying-dandy nightmare t—oh bumblebee-knees…”

The Princess woke once more and was devastated to find, through means of her limited vocabulary and rather amusing verbal ticks, that all that had occurred so far that morning was, in fact, not a nightmare at all.

Yes… thank you Bob. I’m sure we all worked that one out from the context clues already.

“Wha—”

Before the Princess could get a word in edgewise there came a rather loud, frantic knocking at her apartment door. She sat up in surprise which afforded her an unwelcome view of her new assets in their thin silken confines as well as long supple legs worthy of a supermodel leading up to an equally thin and pink pair of almost see-through p—

BOB!

The Princess took in a deep breath which made her chest rise prettily from her current angle in preparation for another nice long scream of fear. She unfortunately didn’t manage to get it out for some reason before the person at the door had apparently had enough of waiting and decided to break the door down with one muscular shoulder barge in order to come to the aid of the woman he’d heard screaming inside a few moments before.

“WHAT!”

Crash went the door, swinging back on his hinges as the six-foot-three frame of the Princesses Rugby playing next-door neighbor staggered his way inside. The poor hunk had been in the middle of a workout session and it showed, both in the chiseled lines of his bare chest and the glistening traces of hard, masculine sweat he’d managed to generate during his early morning workout session. Luckily for the Princess’s tenuous hold on her senses he had at least been wearing a tight pair of shorts at the time, even if they did show off a rather impressive and equally manly bul—”

PG-13 Bob, keep it PG-13 you idiot!

“Anna, are you okay? I heard screaming and you didn’t answer so I… I…”

The glistening king among men finally finished his short trek through the Princess’s deceptively low-rent apartment and came to a halt at the door leading into her bedroom where he promptly froze, trailing off his words as he stared down at the beautifully vulnerable image the Princess was currently presenting due to the fact that she had both fallen while wearing a rather well designed nightgown and had no idea how to keep her knees together in said short piece of clothing due to her previous life; circa the night before.

“Ahhh!”

The Princess let off yet another girly scream of surprise and snapped her knees together like the lady she was supposed to be, at last. The damage was done though and she had most definitely made an impression on her neighbor which would last for a long time to come. As her scream died out to the fear she could feel building within her chest at what he may of seen and what he may do next, the proud rugby player before her shifted awkwardly in order to at least partly hide his own reaction to the sight she offered which was unfortunately quite easy to see anyway due to how tight his shorts actually w—

Do you even know what PG-13 means Bob?!

The Princess found her eyes drifting slightly away from the man-among-men before her’s dashingly handsome face to trail down his hard won abs towards said shorts and even though her mind told her that something very wrong was happening, she couldn’t help but find herself licking her lips slightly as her mind drifted towards what those shorts may c—

“AHH!”

Uh… and then she… shot to her feet and slammed her bedroom door in the man’s face before sliding to the floor with a whimper so she could bash her delicate new fists against the side of her head repeatedly in a rather futile attempt to silence the voices tormenting her because she’d just realized that as the narrators of the story she was apparently stuck in now, both of the voices she could hear were able to directly affect the world around her and even her own actions if she wasn’t careful to keep a tight control of herself at all times.

Nice going Bob, tell her how to get out of this situation while you’re at it, why don’t you?

She could never know that the only way she could ever find peace and get her life back into some form of control and normalcy at this point would be to find her own ‘Prince Charming’ and find the happily ever after moment needed to finish things all off neatly, despite how unrealistic that concept feels to anyone old enough to realize that fairytales are often far too kind in their end results when compared to the real world we all live in, generally.

Oh… Oh, I see where you’re going with this now Bob. Good idea, convincing her she needs to find a prince and reclaim her title of Princess before the story can end at all. We’ll have this thing wrapped up in no time if she only shares her true-loves first kiss with the beefcake outside!

The Princess shook her head violently from side to side with her fists cupped against her ears to try and block out the voices in her head once more. Unfortunately for everyone involved, it wasn’t enough for her to miss the obvious giveaway spoken by the so far unnamed narrator which completely spoiled all of the second voices hard work in convincing her of the self-same fact he’d been congratulating his friend over putting in place thanks to his quick whit’s and thinking on his feet.

Oh… Ah, fu—

PG-13!

“Will you both just shut up!”

… … …

... … …

“Thank you.”

The Princess was completely oblivious to the rather odd one-sided conversation her neighbor could plainly hear her holding through the door and also apparently oblivious to the fact that people of her time look down on people who talk to voices in their head to a point of locking them up in little padded rooms for the rest of their lives, so she should probably do some form of damage control before her handsome potential Prince Charming next-door neighbor decides to call in medical help for his obviously troubled long-time crush.

“Oh Flying-monkey-watchers!”

With that still amusingly stupid sounding string of words put in place for the actual word she’d tried to cry out, the Princess shot back to her delicate little feet and yanked the door open to face said shirtless beefcake before she’d even thought of any kind of excuse she could offer him for her current actions in the slightest.

“Ah hah… ha… Um, sorry?”

She began, obviously floundering for what to say even though the cute way her eyes squinted closed slightly because of the intense thought going on in her head would be distractingly adorable enough that no man who liked women as a whole could really claim to have noticed. So it was with her potential prince as well, that he did not notice her internal scrambling for an answer, although in his case it was because his eyes were stuck firmly on her partly exposed chest and the tantalizingly drooping shoulder strap of her nightgown instead.

“Ah! Sorry. I was on a phone call, and had some startling news, and then you burst in and scared me, and now we’re here and I don’t know what to say but I really want to get changed soon because I’m feeling more than a little exposed, especially with my door off the hinges now as well.”

Not bad

Despite her Princess-worthy intelligence she managed surprisingly well in convincing the beefcake before her that there was no reason to fear and he’d overreacted in order to protect her thanks to his long-time crush on the sometimes ditzy girl next-door to him.

“Thanks for coming to help. Don’t worry about the door, I’ll get it sorted. I’m sorry but I really need to get ready for an appointment, so I’m just going to go get changed, you can let yourself out, right? Great… Bye then!”

Despite the babbling stream of nervous nonsense she was spewing her neighbor/prince didn’t take her quick dismissal to heart and as she spun around to run embarrassedly back into her bedroom to slam the door once more he couldn’t fight a small, amused smile that played across his lips in the way only a man who is truly smitten with a woman could ever bring forth in the face of such an obvious mess of a girl.

“Hey!”

He’s got a point; and keep your voice down, your neighbor hasn’t left yet so he might hear you.

With that, the Princess held her breath in order to listen in tense silence to see if her neighbor had actually left after all. If any man had seen her facial expression in that moment he would probably have fallen in love with her obvious innocence and childish nature, while any woman seeing that same look would instantly think of her as their little sister or daughter in desperate need of mothering. Such is the power of a true fairytale princess’s facial expressions, that even the mightiest of evils cannot help but bow down to her every whim in supplication.

“What?... Really?”

You’re laying it on a bit thick there, Bob.

The still unnamed narrator’s voice did not approve of his friends turn of phrase, nor the very real power that lay behind his words due to the position they were both in; controlling the world around the Princess as a whole, at this very moment. His friend should probably have thought before going off with his prose, apropos of nothing, and most likely feels sorry for the trouble he may have just unleashed with his careless words.

“Let me get this straight, you just accidentally gave me the ability to pout and get whatever the humble-tree-frog I want from people because no-one can resist my face anymore?”

Oh, this cannot be good…

The Princess straightened herself up slightly in an obvious attempt to reassure herself of her newfound power upon the world around her. The second voice known as ‘Bob’ considered briefly that maybe both narrators should have put in a little more time doing a background check on their chosen main character before turning him into a woman overnight and potentially gifting him with such an overpowered set of possible abilities thanks to his role as the titular princess of their story.

“I’ll never have to work again! Hummingbirds-knees, I can probably just smile at people and have them give me money! A change in gender is a small price to pay for that kind of power; and if it comes to it I’ll just smile at a gender specialist and get them to give me a free sex-change back to being a man again!”

Oh… this is very, very not good…

With that worried mutter from her narrator, the scene before them all faded out in order to allow us to jump forward with a time skip for the sake of keeping this story both short and free of copious amounts of sylph-like lesbian se—

BOB! Don’t—

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Fourty-Two Years Later

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“And I give you, escorted by her loving wife and army of voracious consorts, the woman who needs no introduction despite the fact that it’s my job to do so. Everyone’s favorite monarch of the known universe! Queen Anastasia Mother-Flipping Princess!”

I guess that’s one way to both become Queen and keep her Princess powers intact at least?

Queen Anastasia, once known simply as ‘Dodgy Dave from Hull’, let a momentary frown pass over her lips which made all who saw it fall to their knees while begging for her to tell them what was wrong and how they could fix it, before quickly allowing a gentle smile to form on her lips moments later in reassurance for her people, both those present before her and the watching audience of billions at home as well.

“Oh, you two are back then are you?”

What… have you done?

“Nothing much. Used my amazing fairytale inspired powers of near mind-control to have myself declared Queen-eternal of the universe, obviously. Ended up marrying a woman who truly makes me happy after finding out just how good a delicate princess-body can feel in the right hands too, then I declared an end to all wars, hatred and disharmony before taking over the world’s government and finances in order to direct things the way I wanted them to be so that humanity could flourish in a new age of enlightenment as my people spread their wings out to colonize the known universe in my name.”

Oh, that’s… that’s actually surprisingly nice of you?

“I’m a lazy con-artist in the body of a true Princess, not a bird-feeding ant-lion who gets off on hurting people.”

So, uh… I guess you’re happy then?

“My joint taskforce of scientists recently cured all diseases after first creating a way to stop aging and bring people back to the peak of their physical condition and age. My empire will be eternal and so will my ‘happy ever after’, barring some unforeseeable interference from someone like you.”

Ah…

“If you can remove this flopping-penguin swear filter from me then my life could honestly be described as a fairytale ending, I guess?”

The filter will go when the story ends, we are trying to be PG-13 still after all.

“Then by all means, end it already. The lost princess found her kingdom, rules benevolently while deeply in love with a woman who makes her happy, along with their small harem of equally happy friends. We are a century or two away from creating our own virtual reality immersion universes, at which point everyone can be the author to their own fairytales as far as I’m concerned… it’s amazing what the human race can do if given the right reason to work together at last really, isn’t it?”

This still feels so wrong… by all rights, you would be the bad guy in any standard fairytale with the way you’ve abused your powers!

“I used them for the good and happiness of everyone. If that makes me evil then by all means try to punish me… but first—”

T…the Queen-Princess pouted at the narrator and his friend, unerringly managing to locate their position relative to her face despite not being able to see them at all. The pout was… was… awe inspiring in its beauty and innocence, as it went on birds appeared to come down from the trees around her to settle on the Queen-Princess’s shoulders as if drawn to her and all the good things she represents to the world by the shear light of her perfection in—

“Please—for me—end the story already so I can swear again and enjoy my happy ending with my wife of forty years, my close personal friends and my devoted people?”

Th-the pouts power was overwhelming to all things, to the narrator’s senses all that mattered was making her happy so that pout may transform into a smile once more. Even the narrators friend struggled to resist as the power they unintentionally instilled into their character rolled over his mind with abandon an—

The end!

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And she lived happily ever after…

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Epilogue

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As the world around us and our connection to it broke, the only thing left for either of us was the faint afterimage of a truly beautiful sight that would be with us forever more; the victorious smile of our glorious leader, the Eternal-Queen of the known universe, Anastasia Mother-Flipping Princess.

All hail our wondrous, loving Queen!

All hail her magnificence!