By Missy Crystal
All Dolled Up - Part X

Jamie wants his mother to buy him a doll for a birthday present. She does and a journey of discovery begins for both of them. This is the final chapter for those (few) waiting to find out if Jamie is transgendered.

I woke up at six thirty and got dressed casually, putting on tan slacks, a white cotton short sleeved blouse and white sandals. I washed up, did my teeth, ran a brush through my hair and put on some lipstick. Looking in the mirror I noticed a few stray hairs on my eyebrows, so I tweezed them. Jenny always was meticulous about her appearance. It wouldn't hurt if I paid attention to how I looked too. When I was satisfied, I went downstairs and made breakfast, keeping an eye on the clock.

At seven, I went upstairs and gently woke up Jamie.

"We have another appointment with Dr. Mitchell. You remember she has that nice secretary, Kelly, with the lollipops," I reminded him. "We need to hurry."

I got him dressed as a boy, just the same as when we were at Karen's. Jamie didn't complain. We went downstairs, he ate quickly and at twenty past seven we were in the car. I parked and we took the elevator to Jenny's office. It was a few minutes before eight when we arrived. I tried the door and it was open. Kelly was sitting at her desk.

"Ms. McCarthy and Jamie, hi," she greeted us cheerfully. Turning to Jamie, she pretended to tell him a secret, but made sure I could hear. "I got a bunch of red lollipops for you and no excuses this time. They're in a plastic baggie." She gave me a smirk.

"Thank you, Kelly, that's very nice, and thank you for coming in early for us again. If it's okay, Jamie will get them when we leave."

"No problem, Ms. McCarthy, and I will take good care of the lollipops, don't worry Jamie. Nobody messes with Kelly's candy." She scowled and held out her hands in a pretend Karate pose. "I've got a black garter belt, eyaah." She gave me a sheepish look. "Sorry, it's a tranny joke." Then she turned towards the office to see if her shout had gotten the doctor's attention, which it had. The door opened. Kelly put on an innocent look.

"Dr. Mitchell is expecting you, go right in," she stated in her best office demeanor.

Jenny shook her head at Kelly's characteristic foolishness and motioned for us to come in. As we followed her to the conversation area, I conducted my usual surreptitious survey. She had on a beige skirt suit and an ivory linen blouse, open at the collar with a gold bead necklace. Tan open toed mid heeled shoes which showed off three plum polished toes completed her ensemble. She turned and seated herself, primly arranging her skirt, which had a front slit. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She had the coloring book and markers ready for Jamie.

"Jamie, your mother and I have to talk for a bit. You can color."

He got down on floor and opened the coloring book, skipping over the pages he did at our last appointment and beginning a new page. When he was focused on his artwork, Jenny looked at me.

"It has been a confusing week," I volunteered anxiously.

"Confusing, Ginny? Why would you use that word?"

"Well, Jamie spent most of it as a girl. He seemed to enjoy it. Like I told you on the phone, I got his hair done at a salon that specializes in children, particularly girls who do beauty pageants. The owner, Priscilla, was reluctant to give Jamie a feminine style when she found out that he was a boy, but changed her mind when I explained that he might be transgendered. It was the opposite with that woman, Helen. I thought she understood that we were exploring whether he was transgendered and then she confronted me about my dressing him up like a girl.

"Is that what has you confused?"

"Yes, well, two people having opposite reactions is confusing enough, but there's more. Jamie and I got our nails done," I held out my hands with the fingers pointed down to display my nails. "And pedicures too," I added, moving my foot forward and wiggling my toes. I saw Jenny's eyes shift to check Jamie's hands as he was coloring. "It was a fun mother-daughter activity," I continued. I wondered if Jenny would react to my using 'mother daughter', but she didn't. "That was about all I could think of to do with Jamie as a girl, so I called Karen to see if she would let him visit as a boy. To make a long story short, …" which did get a reaction.

"Please, Ginny, don't give me the abridged version. Sometimes what seems trivial can turn out to be useful," she reminded me.

"I'm sorry, Jenny, I didn't mean to leave out anything important."

"I know," she sympathized, "but until we come to a diagnosis, there is no way to know what is important."

Mindful of Jenny's directive, I went back to her unasked question about Jamie's nails. "I took the polish off when we went to visit Karen. Actually, I forgot to take the polish off of his toes. He had on socks, so I missed it," I explained, "which got Debbie's, his cousin, the one who is his age, interest, but she was satisfied when I borrowed some remover from Karen and took it off. It wasn't a problem."

"If it wasn't a problem, then what happened at Karen's that added to your confusion?

"Jamie brought his doll with him. It was the first time that he had taken it out of the house. He even let Debbie hold it. Most of the time, Jamie and the girls played outside on the swings or a yard game. Dave, that's Karen's husband, coaches something called T-ball, Debbie is on a team, and they played that. When they were inside they did art projects or watched TV or videos. I don't know if they played with their dolls or did other girl stuff, because they were in Debbie's room by themselves. I would guess so, because she has girl's toys, but I couldn't tell if he was behaving like a girl or a boy during our visit." I shrugged. "That's why I'm confused, Jenny. After everything we've been through, I still don't have any idea how Jamie feels about being a girl and it's getting closer to his starting school. Do you know?" I asked hopefully.

Jenny gave me a reassuring smile.

"Yes, he told us and what you've told me confirms it. We just weren't listening. Adults do that. We assume that children are not capable of expressing themselves, but they do. We just need to interpret it in context. They don't have our vocabulary and they don't have our experience, so they use non-verbal behavior.

"By non-verbal behavior, do you mean the doll?"

"Yes, the doll."

"So Jamie is transgendered. He wants to be a girl."

"Why would you say that?"

"Now that you've shown me how to understand what's happened, it's obvious. The doll is a girl and Jamie wants to be like her, to wear the same clothes, so Jamie sees himself as a girl."

Jenny gave a small laugh and shook her head.

"No?"

Instead of answering, Jenny asked me a question.

"What makes you believe the doll is a girl?"

"Jenny, I don't want to play truth or dare. I need an answer."

Realizing that I had raised my voice in frustration, I glanced down at Jamie, who seemed to be unmindful of our discussing his future, and ameliorated my outburst with "please."

"Ginny, be patient," Jenny said calmly. "Do you remember a conversation we had about being lost in the woods?"

I thought back.

"Yes, vaguely, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"I told you, I'm only a guide. I help my patients to find their own way. You are Jamie's parent. I know you trust me, but there is no way for you to know if I am giving you good advice. You've already expressed some concern about my ability to be impartial.

"Yes, but that was before … ," I started to protest.

"No offense taken, Ginny," Jenny interrupted me, holding up her hand, "caution is important when it comes to making life decisions, even more so, if that is possible, when you are making life decisions for a child. Work with me and you will arrive at the answer for yourself. Then you will be confident that you are doing the right thing."

I nodded my understanding.

"What makes you believe the doll is a girl?" she repeated."

"It's obvious."

"Perhaps it is obvious to you, but maybe not to Jamie. Genetically, a female has two X chromosomes. You have a nursing background. Is the doll female?"

"No, of course not."

"Biologically, a female has ovaries. Is the doll female?"

"No.

"When I was Jamie's age, was I female?"

I was at loss how to answer Jenny's question without hurting her feelings.

"I assume from your hesitation that the answer is 'no' and that you're too considerate to say it, but I have no pretensions. Genetically and biologically I was and, as your friend or ex-friend Helen observed, so you tell me, will always be male."

"Jenny stood up."

"Look at me, Ginny. What do you see?"

"A woman," I confirmed.

"What makes me a woman?"

"You're clothes, your appearance."

"For a time, Jamie dressed in girl's clothes. He even had a girl's hairstyle. Did that make him a girl?"

"I don't know, maybe, if that's how he felt about himself. Oh," the light bulb went off. "It's how you feel about yourself, right? That's what makes you a woman."

"Yes."

"I still don't understand, Jenny, where is all this going?"

"It's going to help you answer your question, Ginny. Let's go back to the doll. What makes you say it is obviously a girl?"

"From what we've just been talking about, I guess it isn't so obvious."

"What would happen if you dressed the doll as a boy and gave it a haircut."

"I guess it would be a boy, wouldn't it?"

"Would it?"

"Ginny, I get the point. The doll is whatever you make it."

"No."

"I give up."

"Try one more time. Think Ginny."

She waited patiently.

"If the doll isn't a girl and it isn't a boy, then it has no gender."

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, Jenny, I don't understand. Jamie's not a doll."

"Didn't you quote him earlier as saying he was like the doll?"

I tried to recall our discussion.

"Yes, I said that, but I meant that he was a identifying with the doll as a girl."

Jenny shook her head.

"I'll give you a hint. Couldn't Jamie have been identifying with the doll as a doll?"

"You mean that he didn't see it as a girl?"

"Yes."

"Why wouldn't he?"

"Why would he? As adults we associate certain types of clothes exclusively with a particular gender, but a child does not necessarily make that association by himself."

Thinking back, I remembered when we were in the department store and Jamie wanted me to buy him the dress like the one his doll wore. He didn't understand when I explained that only girls wore dresses.

"Then Jamie isn't transgendered?"

"Not as that term is commonly applied."

"I'm sorry, Jenny, I'm back to being confused. You helped me to understand that Jamie did not see the doll as a girl and that his wanting to be like the doll didn't necessarily mean that he wanted to be a girl, even though it appeared that way to us, just that he wanted to be like the doll. I get that now, but, if Jamie doesn't want to be a girl, then he isn't transgendered, is he?"

"What makes you think that Jamie wants to be a boy?"

"Jenny, he has to be one or the other."

"Why can't he be like the doll?"

"You mean not have any gender? Because he's a person, not a toy, that's why."

"Biologically," Ginny lectured me, "in order to reproduce you need to have two different sexes, a male and a female. Neither Jamie nor I can escape our birth sex. Psychologically, gender determines how we relate to others. I am a woman, a wife and a mother. Jamie has not yet recognized his gender. I think when he said that he was like the doll he meant it literally. He doesn't see himself as a boy or a girl. He and the doll are both just Jamie."

"So he still could be transgendered?"

"It is too early to tell. Right now, gender is not relevant to him. He is as happy as a girl as he is as a boy. As his parent, you can choose for him, keeping in mind that the wrong choice can have unfortunate consequences, or you can let Jamie make his own choice when he's ready."

"When will that be, Jenny?"

"I don't know. The more Jamie socializes, the more likely it is that he will identify with one gender and, if he hasn't chosen by the time he reaches puberty, then nature will make the choice for him. I doubt it will come to that. Every transgendered person I know, and I know a lot of them, says that they realized they were different as a child."

"What do I do until then?"

"About what?"

"Jenny!"

"You wanted a diagnosis, you got a diagnosis. You want me to run your life too? I can't even run my own very well, Ginny. It's up to you."

"Should I send him to school as a girl?"

"What do you think?"

"You're not going to make it easy for me, are you?"

"No."

"He's registered as a boy and his medical forms say he is male, so I suppose I can't send him to school as a girl, can I?"

"You could, but it would require my intervention. Do you want me to speak with the school administration?"

"Not right now."

I looked at her to see if there was any sign of agreement, but, obviously anticipating my seeking her reassurance, she gave me an enigmatic smile and looked down at Jamie.

"Jamie, your mother and I have finished our conversation. Thank you for being so quiet while we talked. You might have heard that your mother was worried about your having a doll and wearing girl's clothes sometimes, but there's no problem. I want you and your mother to come to visit with me once in a while, just to see how you're doing. Would that be okay?"

"Yes."

"Good, then we're done. Ginny, I think about every four months would be a good interval to follow up. If there's something that concerns you, of course call me. I'm always here for you. And please tell your sister I said thank you for her referral."

"Thank you, Jenny, I will, but there's one more thing I need before we go."

Being a very insightful therapist, she walked over and gave me a big hug. Then she bent down and hugged Jamie. If she wasn't Jamie's therapist and happily married, I definitely would have considered dating her. Surprisingly, at least it surprised me how I felt, her being a transsexual didn't matter to me and I couldn't have cared less what people thought. I hoped people would be as accepting of Jamie, if that's how things turned out.

Jenny stood up and went to the door.

"Kelly, please schedule Ms. McCarthy and Jamie for an appointment in four months. You can make it an afternoon appointment, after Jamie gets out of school. Actually, my last appointment of the day would be good. Then we wouldn't have to rush. She waved to us as she went back into her office and closed the door. Jamie waved back.

"That stinks," complained Kelly.

"What?"

"All of her other patients are here day in and day out and you two are on holiday for four months."

She got up from behind her desk and gave the bag of red lollipops to Jamie.

"And what am I supposed to do with the rest of these?"

"Eat them?"

"No way, George says I'm too fat."

"George doesn't know a good thing when he sees it," I complimented her.

"Too much of a good thing, unfortunately," she retorted, patting her butt.

"Well, now that Jamie will be starting school, I'm free until two o'clock. How about if I stop by and have lunch with you?"

"You'd do that?"

"I'd love to do that."

"Yes, please. I'd like that very much. When?"

"Kelly, I don't know. I'll call you."

She pretended to wipe a tear from her eye.

Then I had a thought.

"Better yet, Kelly. I'm a nurse. This is a hospital. Doh. I will have time, I should volunteer. Do you know if there are any opportunities?"

"Are you kidding? If they knew you were a nurse, they'd never let you leave without signing you up. Of course, I'll arrange it. Then we can have lots of lunches."

"What about your weight?" I teased her.

"We have a great salad bar."

"Deal."

"I'll call you with the information. You'll have to stop by Human Resources to do some paperwork and they have to do a background check. It might take a few weeks."

"No problem. Like I said, I need to get Jamie settled at school."

"Great, talk to you later, Mrs. M."

"Ginny, please, if you're going to be my lunch date."

"Ginny. Bye, Jamie."

She blew him a kiss and he waived back. The day that I dreaded turned out to be one of the best days of my life. Jamie got a clean bill of health, mental health, so to speak, I resolved my issue with Jamie's school, I got something to keep me occupied while Jamie's in school, something that makes a difference, and I made another friend. What a great day!

"Jamie," I said euphorically. "Let's celebrate. Let's feast on ice cream."

The rest of the summer went quickly, now that I could let Jamie play with other boys. I wasn't worried about them making fun of his doll or discovering that he wore girl's clothes. I tried to find a T-ball team for him to join. If I couldn't be a soccer mom, at least I could get involved with that, but it was too late in the season. I wondered about cub scouts too, but there wasn't a local den. There was a Brownie troop, but it would have been too complicated and yes, they still wore those beanies with the loop on top. Someday maybe, since from time to time he picked out girl's clothes to wear. I let him make his own selection and he preferred to sleep in his nightgown. I gave him panties to wear when he did and I got him a pair of bunny slippers and a nylon robe, for when it got chilly in the fall. He also enjoyed dressing up his doll in the different outfits and dressing himself to match. He got very good at putting tights on both of them and mastered the art of fastening a kilt. All together, it was a wonderful time and I never felt closer to him.

School started the Wednesday after Labor Day. Memorial Elementary School was within walking distance of our house, but I decided to drive, just in case there was a problem and we needed to leave. I also wanted to wait until just before class started, so I would be there to intervene, if necessary. Who knows what that hateful Helen had done to poison Merry, the other children or their mothers against Jamie? Maybe she even complained to the school authorities. I wouldn't put it past her. I had bought Jamie his back to school wardrobe of boy's clothes at the beginning of the summer and last week I went back to Priscilla, who was wading through a bevy of little girls getting their fall pageant cuts, but found time to give Jamie a trim. We were ready. I got in the car, buckled Jamie into his seat, checked to make sure he had his lunch box and off we nervously went. At least I was nervous. Jamie seemed happy as a boy on his way to his first day of school.

I had to drive around, waiting for someone to move their car, so I could park. It was almost eight o'clock when I finally got to Jamie's classroom. There were a few other mothers waiting to introduce themselves to the teacher. I got in line and then realized that Helen was ahead of me. So much for my plan to avoid her by coming late. I looked for Merry and found her surrounded by a group of girls all chattering away. Whether it was because she was older or just her personality, there was no doubt that she was the alpha female, if there was such a thing, or maybe queen bee would be a better title. Oh, oh, Merry was looking our way. She stopped talking, stared for a minute and then hurried towards us. I stepped in front of Jamie, like a mother bear protecting her cub. She stopped.

"Jamie?"

He peeked out from behind me. Merry moved forward. I waited, ready to pounce, but I didn't want to make a scene on Jamie's first day of school, so I hesitated. Maybe she would just say something mean and leave. She looked at me, smiled, took Jamie's hand and escorted him back to the group of girls. I watched nervously as she introduced him. Were they going to make fun of him? The girls resumed their activity with Jamie in the middle of them. What in the world?

"Ginny, hi."

I turned to find Helen standing beside me.

"I see Merry found Jamie."

I ignored her.

"Ginny, please, I hoped I would run into you here. Merry has been pestering me to get together with Jamie. Please don't punish her for my behavior."

"Did she know that Jamie was a boy?"

"Yes."

"You told her?"

"Yes. I thought that would put an end to it, but I was wrong. She's a better friend than I am. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. Listen, Ginny, this year I decided to wait to have Merry's birthday party until September, so she could invite the girls in her class. Merry wants Jamie to come and so do I."

"As a girl?"

"He doesn't look like a girl," Helen observed, "but yes, if that's how you want to dress him."

"Jamie picks out her own clothes," I challenged her, deliberately referring to Jamie in the feminine to see Helen's reaction."

There was none.

"Does," Helen paused, "she," another pause, "have a party dress?"

"Yes."

Helen shook her head. Looking at Jamie and Merry's happy reunion, she conceded, "Jamie can dress as he or she pleases, just so long as he or she comes to Merry's party, although it would be easier if you or he or she picked one or the other, so I wouldn’t have to keep referring to him or her in the alternative. Okay? Now will you please have coffee with me? I'll buy."

"Yes."

Helen took my arm and we left.

"Maybe Jamie will make Merry a good wife."

I wasn't sure if she was joking or serious, but I punched her in the arm just in case. It was turning out to be a very good year for Jamie and me

THE END

... and a little child shall lead them. Isaiah 11:6