To be or not to be (a female). Harold finds his role as an effeminate boy in a fraternity house has changed him and the crude brothers of the House in critical ways, and he is at a crossroads. He makes the decision after a jarring incident.

The Girl in the Frat House — Part Five

By Katherine Day
(Copyright 2008 by Katherine Anne Day)

Chapter Nine: A Day to Remember

Harold spent most of Sunday with Rachel in her dormitory room, rehearsing lines for the part of the nurse in Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet.” He had been asked to be the understudy for the part, just a week before the play was to open because the girl who had been to handle those duties had gotten suddenly ill. Rachel and he went over the lines with intensity, since the memorizing had to be accomplished in such a short time. They took breaks, of course, and gadded about the dorm, chatting with other girls. Sometimes girls would wander in to chat with them, interrupting their work, but Harold enjoyed the interruptions and the girl talk it engendered. Harold, of course, had been dressed like amnyt of the girls in the large girls’ dormitory, wearing jeans, sandals, white socks and a tank top, covered with a pink cardigan sweater.

With his narrow shoulders, slender arms and flowing hair, there was little chance anyone would notice he was actually male. Rachel introduced him as Heidi, of course, and if there was any hint of masculinity it might have come from his voice, which had a somewhat husky tone. Harold, however, had learned to disguise it, having studied the way girls talked in order to discover how to provide girlish inflections and use feminine terminology.

It was a magical day for Harold, having spent it naturally as Heidi, being accepted as Heidi and enjoying giddiness that seemed to feature college girls who were usually in their first or second year at the University. It was typical that most girls moved off-campus, sharing flats or apartments in groups of two or three or four by their sophomore or junior years.

By mid-afternoon, tiring of rehearsal and realizing that Harold had done a good job in memorizing the lines of the Nurse in “Romeo and Juliet” that the University Players were putting on, Rachel and Harold (as Heidi) decided to take a break. Susie, Rachel’s girl friend from her hometown, joined them. Susie had accepted Harold totally as a girl, even though they had spent much of the previous night together.

“Let’s paint our nails now,” suggested Susie, a slight young woman with a pixie cut to her hair that made her immensely cute.

“Yes, let’s,” echoed Rachel, who had become in a few weeks a totally different and unexpectedly lovely girl. She had recognized that she could change her careless, almost dowdy dressing habits and begin to dress like a pretty young woman. This had all happened after Harold introduced her to Jason, from his fraternity house, and the two hit it off famously.

“I bought some really hot gloss,” Rachel said, going to her dresser drawer. “It’s a deep red.”

“Let’s do Heidi first,” Susie suggested.

“Yes, yes,” cheered Rachel.

They had Harold sit on the bed; by now he had changed out of his jeans and into a pair of denim shorts that Rachel had. They fit him perfectly.

He held out his right leg first, and Rachel held his heel firmly as Susie applied the polish.

“Heidi, you have beauty queen legs,” Susie gushed. “Such a lovely shape. I just love your slender ankles and feet.”

Harold blushed, having always realized that his legs indeed were feminine and pretty. They were smooth, not at all muscular and still hairless. As he sat down, his thighs, soft as they neared his crotch, widened on the bed’s blanket.

Harold later applied the polish to the other two girls’ fingernails and toenails, demonstrating his always gentle and delicate mannerisms. Later the three fixed each other’s hair, finally agreeing to go down to the Student Union for a few cokes or an ice cream.

Several other girls joined them as they left the dormitory, giggling and skipping along the way; since it was a cool early December day, they all had put on jeans or pants, and wore jackets. There were five girls and Harold who began engaging them in a funny story about the lead that was playing Romeo.

“Oh, you mean Hector James?” asked one of the girls. “I think he’s cute.”

“Oh he is,” Harold said. “But he’s such a fuss, always wondering how he looks. He never liked the costumes, it seems.”

“It drives us all nuts on the costume crew,” Rachel agreed. “And Heidi’s the best girl we’ve ever had trying to fit these prima donnas.”

They all giggled, but Harold’s humor ended when he saw Willy Williamston, Jason and Will Hampton from his frat house walking toward them as they approached the Union.

Rachel had seen them first, grabbing Harold arm and whispering, “Harold . . . ah . . . Heidi, look who’s coming ahead.”

“Oh my God,” he almost screamed, cutting his shout short and back into a whisper. “Where can I hide?”

“You can’t,” she said. “They’ve seen us and here they come.”

Of course, it had to be Will Hampton, Harold’s roommate, who had to speak first; he could be a boorish loudmouth, although he and Harold had become close and understanding of each other, a rarity among two with such differing personalities.

“Oh, look at the prettiest girls on campus,” he yelled as they approached. “Where you all headed?”

The girls, all except Rachel and Harold (now Heidi), giggled and waved encouragingly to the three frat boys.

“Rachel,” Jason said, his eyes brightening at the sight of his new girl friend. He approached and hugged her.

“Heidi,” Willy Williamston said, spotting Harold, and approaching him, quickly putting a friendly arm around him.

“It’s nice to see Heidi here, isn’t it, Hampton?” Willy said, winking at the other boy, letting him know that he was to treat Harold as “Heidi.”

“This is an all-girl Sunday,” Susie interjected, as the boys began to intermingle.

“You’d chase away such handsome boys as us?” laughed Will Hampton.

“Especially you,” Susie chided.

Some good-natured kidding and flirting developed as they stood under a barren oak tree, its leaves gone in the last week in the approaching winter. The sun was already descending, casting a mauve tone over the landscape.

Willy guided Harold out of the midst of the group, several feet away, and in a low tone asked: “I presume the girls only know you as Heidi?”

“Yes, except, of course, for Rachel.”

“We won’t spoil your fun, Heidi, and if you’d like let me be your ‘boy friend’ for the day.”

Harold blushed, “You don’t have to.”

“Heidi,” he said, kissing Harold lightly on the forehead, “It’s an honor to escort the prettiest girl on campus.”

“Oh Willy, you’re so sweet,” Harold said, demonstrably kissing him back, gaining the attention of the others.

“I didn’t know you had a boy friend,” Susie queried.

“Oh he’s just a friend,” Harold said, lying and feeling so happy to be looked upon as the girl friend of such a handsome, strong upper classman.

The girls all gave out a disbelieving hoot.

“Heidi, he’s such a hunk and so cute, too,” one of the other girls gushed.

“What about me?” Will Hampton said, laughing but hoping to gain attention.

“I think you’re cute, too,” said Susie sidling over to Harold’s roommate, and putting her hands on his arm, flirtatiously linking their arms.

The group all continued on to the Union, where they occupied a large roundtable in the corner of the room under the Husky banner. It was a happy, carefree group that assembled, but soon it was apparent there was a pairing off, Will Hampton with Susie, Jason with Rachel (which was expected, since their budding romance had become apparent to all) and Harold (as Heidi) with Willy. Soon the other three girls drifted off to other activities.

“I can’t believe this,” Willy whispered to Harold, at the same time finding Harold’s tiny hand under the table and covering it with his own on Harold’s thigh. “You’re just one of the girls today. And I think you’re the prettiest one here.”

“Shhhhhh,” Harold said, his excitement growing, as he felt Willy’s fingers begin a light caress on his wrist. “Susie doesn’t know about me. Thinks I’m just a girl.”

“Well, it’s hard to convince me you’re not a girl,” Willy replied, smiling at Harold.

Then Susie piped up to announce: “Do you boys know that Heidi here has been asked to be that understudy for a major role in the play, ‘Romeo and Juliet?’”

“What role,” asked Jason.

“The nurse, which is a major part,” Susie said enthusiastically. “She and Rachel have been practicing lines all weekend.”

The three boys looked at Harold incredulously. “You’re going to play the ‘nurse?’” Will Hampton asked.

“Well, I’m just the understudy. I’ll only play if the girl playing the nurse can’t go on.”

“Oh, Heidi reads those lines perfectly,” Susie continued, enthused about the topic. “In fact, Rachel said that Heidi was trying on Juliet’s clothes the other day, to see if they looked ok. Heidi designed and sewed the costume, you know, and the director came in and saw how pretty she looked in them.”

“I bet she did,” Willy said, giving Harold a wink.

“Oh yes, she was just reading Juliet’s lines for fun then,” Rachel butted in. “And the director came in, listened for a bit and decided that Heidi should fill in for the understudy, who had gotten sick.”

“That’s why we’ve been practicing here all weekend,” Harold said, wishing the whole topic had never come up. He watched the three boys who were all looking at him in varying degrees of amazement.

Rachel continued, in spite of realizing that Harold may be facing further embarrassment: “And the director said he wished he’d seen Heidi perform earlier and that she’d have been perfect for playing Juliet.”

Willy’s hand had progressed up Harold forearm, his huge hand gently massaging Harold slenderness. Harold’s penis was hardening within his panties as the kneading fingers of the fraternity president’s hands worked their magic.

“Isn’t Juliet supposed to be about a 15 year old girl?” Jason asked.

“Yes,” Rachel replied. “And that’s what he saw in Har . . . er . . . Heidi. A cute teen girl. She would have been perfect for the part, he said, but he had already cast the part and the play opens on Friday.”

The boys accompanied the girls (including Harold) back to the dormitory after their late afternoon of partying in the Union; for Harold it was a dream of a day, having lived it as a girl and being accepted as Heidi by everyone in the dorms.

Will Hampton had hooked up with Susie and Jason stayed with Rachel. As Willy and Harold left them, they were still pondering where to go for supper.

“Would you like to join me somewhere for dinner, Heidi?” Willy asked as they walked back to the fraternity house.

“Heidi?” Harold repeated, wondering if he heard Willy correctly.

“Yes, Heidi,” Willy smiled, suddenly stopping their walk, and grabbing Harold around the waist, drawing him close.

Harold looked up at Willy, seeing his square jaw and all-American boy looks, and feeling safe in his strong grasp. He felt so comfortable, even natural, to be held tightly and affectionately by this strong young man.

The pair stopped on the sidewalk, with Willy now embracing Harold as he would any girl friend; gently Willy guided the two of them to the side of the path. The late autumn darkness had descended upon them, and Willy moved them to a shaded area, hidden by bushes, and kissed Harold, gently and slowly. Harold could feel his own penis hardening as he felt the press of Willy’s penis, no doubt quite large, against his own body.

Harold now had gathered Harold so completely in his grasp that Harold felt helpless; yet, he felt safe in the bigger boy’s arms, protected, and most importantly, at home. It felt right and good.

As quickly as Willy had begun the embrace, he broke it off, leaving go of Harold and stepping back a few feet.

“I’m sorry, Harold,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Harold was still in a daze, and finally uttered: “Oh I liked that.”

Willy looked down at him: “You know ever since you dressed as Heidi for the house party last month, I have been thinking of you.”

Harold was astounded. Here was the fraternity house president, the typical macho senior in college expressing his warmth and love to him, a soft, slender girly boy. This was something Harold was having trouble understanding; two boys had shown signs of sexual attraction toward him, one because he was merely a slender boy and the other because he was a pretty young lady. Harold enjoyed both of the signs of love.

The two stood silent for what seemed to be hours, but Harold realized may have been less than a minute. Harold again wanted to be hugged and held by Willy, but kept silent.

“Let’s head back, Harold,” Willy said.

A few steps later, back on the walk, Willy again took Harold’s small left hand into his large, hard right hand, holding it firmly, but gently.

“I think of you only as Heidi,” Willy said, finally breaking the silence.

“I like that, Willy,” Harold said. He looked up, smiling, seeing there were tears in the larger boy’s eyes.

“You’re so lovely,” Willy said. “And I’d love you to be my girl friend. Oh my, I said it. I’ve thought about it so much, but I’m not gay. I can’t have you.”

“Oh, Willy, you’re such a good friend,” Harold said, suddenly stopping, and holding hard onto Willy’s hand forcing him to stop too.

They kissed again; it was a short kiss, but with more passion and harder.

“Then, you’ll go to dinner with me tonight?” Willy asked again.

“Yes, but how should I dress. I don’t have any nice clothes here; all my pretty dresses are at Rachel’s.”

“You can go as you are; if you don’t mind, we’ll go to a grill I know out in the Gradytown area, away from campus. It’s not fancy, but the food is good.”

“Oh that sounds cool,” Harold said. “I was going to take my hair down, and clean off my makeup before we get to the frat house. Don’t wanna look girly there.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Willy said. “There’s the McCormick Dorm; let’s go in there; they have a public lounge area, and there is a woman’s rest room there. You can spruce up there and then we can go.”

In the woman’s room of the dormitory, two other girls, also bent on fixing their makeup, joined Harold. As he began to brush his long hair, one of the girls said: “Let me do that, and then you can help me.”

“Is that nice hunk out there your boy friend?” the girl asked as she brushed.

Harold blushed. “Not exactly; this is our first date, I guess.”

“Well, if he tires of you or you don’t like him, my name is Terri.” They all laughed; Harold high-pitched giggle fitting in perfectly with their voices.

Willy had a car; it was a ten-year-old Ford Escort, which ran quite smoothly, but was hardly an attractive car for such a “hunk,” Harold thought as they headed for the grill in Gradytown.

Harold sat as close to Willy as the seat belts would allow, and was pleased to feel Harold’s hand find his thigh occasionally during the trip. Harold related the woman’s room conversation to him.

“They said if you got tired of me, they’d be glad to be yours,” Harold said, adding a little giggle. “They called you a ‘hunk.’”

“No, Heidi,” he said as they waited at a stoplight, the red showing on his smiling face. “I saw those two; you were far prettier. Besides, I think you’re hot.”

“But I’m not all girl.”

“Maybe not, but you’re ‘more girl’ than lots of them. You’re so sweet.”

It turned out to be an absolutely smashing evening; the bar and grill had a family atmosphere, with many of the Saturday night customers being families with children. The bartender and several of the waitresses hailed Willy as they entered. Willy introduced him as Heidi, and they all responded with smiles. The bartender an older portly man who Harold learned later was the owner even gave Willy a knowing wink, as men are prone to do over a sexual reference.

“I thought you were going to wait for my divorce, and now you bring this pretty young thing in here,” commented a slightly overweight and older waitress named Nancy.

“You had your chance,” Willy chided her, “But you kept talking about your four kids.”

“Yeh, I guess you’d have a long wait for me,” Nancy laughed, and then directed her gaze to Harold. “Don’t worry honey; I’m hooked tightly to a loser named Harry, but I love him.”

They all laughed. It turned out Willy had worked as a bus boy and dishwasher at the establishment during his freshman and sophomore years.

“And Heidi,” warned the waitress named Nancy. “Treat him right. He’s one in a million. Remember the old song, ‘A Good Man is Hard to Find.’”

“Oh I will,” Harold responded in his most flirty tone of voice. He leaned over to kiss Willy lightly on the lips.

“See, they all saw you as my girl friend,” Willy said, reaching across from the driver’s seat to hold Harold’s hand as they began the drive back to the frat house.

“Willy, I’m so excited,” Harold said. “This has been such a special day for me, and you’ve made it even better.”

“You’re a special girl. You deserve everything special.”

“Oh, Willy, you’ve made me feel so wonderful. You’re treating me just like you real girl friend.”

Willy smiled. “Would you like that? To be my girl friend?”

Harold, now feeling natural in his identity as Heidi, felt like kissing this hunk of a young man right now as he was driving.

“Don’t you have a girl friend? How about Stephanie?”

“We broke up, Heidi. I’m not sure I ever felt close to her, like I seem to be with you.”

“Willy, you know I’m not physically a girl. I’m just a boy who happens to be more like a girl.”

Harold began to cry; suddenly his day of great sweetness had soured as he considered his own reality. He was physically a male, although not very masculine; in his mind and feelings, however, he felt he was female.

“Oh darling Heidi, please don’t cry,” Willy reached with his right hand to gently touch Harold’s face.

The tears continued to flow from Harold’s face, sobs becoming audible now to Willy. As the tears became more intense, the car was cruising past Riverside Park, and Willy suddenly made a right turn into the parkway road, stopping at the side of the road several hundred feet into the park.

“Heidi,” Willy began talking, softly, soothingly. “Honey, I know you have a difficult situation. I want to be there to help you. Believe me, you’re special person, and I think you’re a woman, a girl . . . really, you are.”

Harold’s sobs subsided a bit, and finally he responded: “I know, Willy. I know. But what can I do?”

“I’ve done some research, darling. Thousands of guys find themselves in same place, thinking they’re girls.”

“I know, but what will my mother think? And her new boy friend? And, I live in the frat house?”

Willy turned off the engine, and gathered Harold in his arms, holding him firmly, gently patting the slender youth’s back. Soon, they were kissing, their lips pressed firmly. Eventually, their mouths opened and they began to passionately French kiss, tongues intermingling.

Willy’s advances went no further than the kisses and gentle caresses; his whole behavior was that of a caring loving person.

“Heidi, I want you to know that I’m attracted to you as a girl and as a person,” the fraternity president said, breaking his hold on Harold, and removing his hands from around Harold’s shoulders.

“I know, Willy, and I can’t believe it. You’ve been so wonderful. I’m such a disaster as a frat boy, I know.”

“Oh Heidi, don’t be such a ninny,” Willy said. “You’ll eventually fly head and shoulders over all those spoiled brats in the house. I wouldn’t have been there either, except for my father being an alumnus also.”

Willy then explained he was planning to go into Law School after graduation, and would be leaving the house in June. He also said he had contacted the Student Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Student organization about Harold’s situation, and indicated Harold might get some help there. He assured Harold that his inquiries were anonymous, and that he hadn’t mentioned Harold by name.

Harold replied that his mother was making an appointment for him with a gender specialist when he was home in Milwaukee for the holidays.

“I hope he’s a good specialist,” Willy said.

“My mom would try to find the best.”

“I know, but some of the specialists only try to persuade a boy to abandon his desire to be a girl,” Willy said. “I think you should go to the LGBT student group here before you go home. I have a good friend who volunteers there.”

Harold agreed to meet with Willy’s friend in the week after the play is completed.

“Are you in a hurry to get back to the frat house?” Willy asked. “It’s only 9:30 and I’d like to show you something.”

They were now holding hands; Harold’s hands felt small and soft in the firm, larger hands of Willy. Harold felt a warmth and ease with Willy that was hard to explain. The older boy asked nothing of Harold other than to be himself, to be, as it were, herself, to be Heidi. This strong, confident older boy seemed to pose no threat, no expectation that he would attack Harold, whose physical weakness would make it impossible for him to protect himself.

“I’m in no hurry,” he said.

“I know of a special place,” Willy said, a twinkle appearing in his eye that Harold could see thanks to a streetlight’s projection.

They drove further out of town, finding an obscure town road that turned to gravel several hundred yards off the main highway, and wound up a hill through a forested area. Gravel stones clicked against the metal of the fenders of the car and headlights moved onto shrubbery now denuded of leaves and onto the gravel road, adjoining a narrow ditch.

Willy drove slowly, his right hand on Harold’s thigh. As they reached what seemed to be the summit, there was a clearing on the left. Willy pulled the Escort onto the area, which apparently was used as a parking spot.

“Look,” he said, turning off the engine and the lights.

Suddenly the car was in pitch darkness, but spread out before them through the windshield were a thousand lights of the city before them. They could see the lighted bell tower of the main University Administration Building, towering over the campus, and the reflected lights off the ribbon of river that wound through the city and the campus.

“Oh Willy, this is so lovely,” Harold said, unclasping his seat belt, and moving tightly against Willy, snuggling closely into his warmth.

“Don’t say anything, honey,” Willy said, placing a finger lightly upon Harold’s lips. “Just drink in the solitude and beauty of the night.”

Harold was silent then, feeling Willy’s hands caress him, the hands strong and firm yet gentle in their touch. He loved it when Willy’s hand found his slender forearm, caressing its softness, knowing that his weak arms added to his femininity.

They kissed, alternately with a soft gentleness and then a hard passion. Harold felt his own penis harden and grow painful as he fought to hold back ejaculation. Willy made no effort to move his hands into Harold’s crotch, and Harold did nothing to encourage that. He moved his own hands inside Willy’s jacket, to feel the smooth, fine blonde hair that covered Willy’s muscular chest.

Harold felt it so natural now to be in the arms of a loving man, to be the man’s female lover.

Willy broke the silence finally: “I’ve been here only once before, with my old girl friend, but being with you now is even better.”

“Oh, Willy, I feel so special to be with you.”

“You are special, darling, so special to me,” Willy said, now kissing Harold.

When they broke their long kiss, Harold began to cry again, only this time it was a silent crying that was accompanied by a shivering of his body that was transmitted to Willy, who responded by holding Harold even more tightly.

“I’ve never been happier, Willy,” Harold finally said.

“I’m so happy to hear you say that.”

“You’ve brought me so much happiness, my dear, dear Willy. You’ve accepted me as both Harold and Heidi, and not treated me as some sort of weirdo.”

“Oh,” Willy said. “I’ve accepted you as Harold, but I love you as Heidi. You are a girl to me, and I want you to be my girl friend, if you wish.”

“But how can I? I’m still a boy physically and a boy in the frat house.”

“No, honey, you’re a girl in the frat house.”

They both laughed.

Willy continued: “I see you as girl, and a woman in the years to come. For the time being you’ll have to live your double life. You need to see my friend and your mom’s doctor or therapist to see what can be done. But, I think you’re basically a girl.”

“You think so, Willy? You don’t think I’m some sort of a creep?”

“Oh my sweet darling, no. You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever met.”

Harold smiled, snuggling closer to Willy, looking up into his face, but unable to see much due to the darkness. He felt comfortable now as Heidi, and knew that once the play ended next Sunday, he’d be free to begin to explore what he needed to live as a girl and woman.

Another car made its way into the parking area, which Harold realized, must have been a popular lover’s lane destination, and secretly pleased that Willy chose to take him there and treat him as his girl friend.

The arrival of the other car seemed to end the magic of the encounter, and Willy turned on the ignition and started the car. Harold felt better as they continued back to the frat house. He wiped off makeup and other signs of his girliness before they returned to the house. Since his clothes were gender neutral, and the other brothers were used to seeing Harold look a bit effeminate, he felt there would be no unusual responses from the other boys. Harold slept that night the sleep of the contented.

Chapter 10: The Play’s the Thing

Cast call for Monday through Wednesday was at 3 p.m. each day; all members of the cast, backstage crews and others were to be there on time and for the week anyone whose classes may have conflicted were told to get their assignments in advance. Harold walked with Grace, as usual, to the Monday session, fear and uneasiness dominating his being.

“I know the Director will have to tell them I’m the nurse understudy, and he’ll probably reveal that I’m a boy, too. I’m afraid that won’t go over very well.”

“Oh Harold, you know most of these people. They’re so in love with themselves that they won’t care much either way.”

“But still . . .”

“But still, nothing. You showed to me that you’re a great actress, Heidi. You’ll do OK and that’s all that counts.”

He gave her a sisterly hug as they walked on, pleased with the understanding she showed to him.

Grace was right; the cast listened casually to the announcement that Harold, who despite his apparent femininity was really a boy, would be the nurse understudy. Who cares about understudies, anyway?

The only problem came with Jason, the one actor who had once tried to ask “Heidi” out for a coffee or date. He came up after the announcement: “God, how weird. Am I glad you refused me! I’m not one of those gay actor types.”

Harold said nothing, merely turned around and walked off to find the girl who was to understudy Juliet. Director Milton Kastner had said the two should rehearse together, since most of their scenes were together.

“I always thought of you as the costume girl, Heidi,” Mary Anne Lynch, the understudy said. “Wow, this is really something, you being a boy and all?”

“I’m sorry,” Harold answered. “I didn’t ask for this, but the Director said I was good for the part.”

“Well, I must say you talk like a girl and look like one. I guess it’ll be OK.”

They retired to a small room, used by one of the stage crews, to rehearse their lines. The rehearsal went easily, with Mary Anne being a cooperative, cheerful person to deal with. She was a pink-fleshed sophomore drama student, about the same 5’7” height as Harold. She probably outweighed him by a few pounds.

“You read those lines well,” Mary Anne said as they finished their first run-through.

“Thank you, Mary Anne. You did, too. I can see you’re a good actress.”

The girl blushed. “Well I’ve been acting since grade school. Mom sent me to perform in our local repertory company in 4th grade.”

“I only performed once,” he admitted.

“But, Heidi,” she said, using his girl’s name. “I’m such a chunky girl, not as dainty as you. You’d be a perfect Juliet. I’d love to see you in that outfit.”

“I’ve already worn it,” he admitted, telling her had designed it and was modeling it when Director Kastner walked in on them and heard him saying Juliet’s lines.

“You did? Well, I bet you were lovely in it.”

Harold blushed. “I guess I was. Kastner thought I was a girl, too. But we set him straight.”

“Does that bother you? Being mistaken for a girl?”

“It does a bit, but I’ve always been kinda small and girly.”

“Well, you’re lovely and I admit to being jealous of your beauty.” She smiled.

“Thank you. I guess I like doing girl stuff. Weird eh?”

“Oh I don’t know. You’re just a bit different, I guess. So what?”

The last performance was a Sunday matinee, and the girl who played the nurse called in sick at 10 a.m. Sunday morning. It appeared she had imbibed too much at the cast party the previous night and was terribly sick, sick enough to be admitted inpatient in the student infirmary.

The director, Kastner, called Harold at the fraternity house a few minutes after 10 a.m. and told him to prepare to play the nurse.

“Oh my, God, really?” Harold said, in shock.

“Yes, really,” the director had said. “Just relax. You know your lines and you’re perfect for the part.”

He asked Harold to arrive two hours before the 2 p.m. curtain to be costumed and to go over some details with the girl playing Juliet.

Natalie McCord, a senior drama student, was performing as Juliet. She was an inch taller than Harold, and though an excellent actress, had a deep, raspy voice that she worked hard at trying to keep under control so that it would sound like a love-struck 15year-old Juliet.

Natalie was easily the “star” of the University Players and had performed some truly dynamic parts during her career at the school. Needless so say, having always been in the spotlight, Natalie had a high opinion of herself. She displayed her disdain for Harold, as a boy, playing the part of the nurse.

“Well, I guess the show must go on,” she said, as the director advised her that Harold would play the nurse that day. “Damn, such a charade, such a travesty, to have a guy playing the role. This is an affront to the theater.”

“Natalie, just do your usual good job. I’m sure Heidi will do just fine.”

“As you say,” she replied to the director. Yet, she treated Harold like a slave during her own fitting while he was costuming her; now she ordered him around during their rehearsal, telling him precisely that he was to follow her lead on stage.

Once the curtain went up that afternoon, Natalie, as Juliet, performed in her usual professional and outstanding manner, even showing affection on stage for the “nurse,” as performed by Harold. The audience had been told earlier that an understudy would be performing the part of the nurse, naming the understudy as “Heidi Cochran.” There were some groans from the audience most of whom felt an understudy’s performance might be flawed.

Will Hampton, Harold roommate, had heard about the phone call he had received telling him he was to perform that day.

“Really,” Will asked. “What part?”

“Oh just a small part, nothing special,” Harold fudged.

“Tell me.” Will started to fake like he was going to hold Harold’s arm and twist it behind his back unless he told.

“OK, the nurse.”

“The nurse, to Juliet?” Will asked. “That’s a big part. And you’re doing it?”

“Yes.” Harold reddened.

As a result, Harold realized some of the boys from the frat house would be there, since Will could hardly be restrained from spreading the word.

And when the name “Heidi Cochran” was read, Harold heard some hooting a hollering from a corner of the theater. It sounded like the bunch from the Mega House. Harold’s stomach went sick, wondering how they would react to having him, playing a female part and living in the Mega House.

As Harold stood in the wings awaiting the “nurse’s” entrance on stage, his stomach did all sorts of flips, but once he made his entrance, to the welcoming gestures from Natalie he felt at ease. His voice cracked a bit at first, but by the time he was into his first long set of lines, he had found his girlish tone, kept slightly coarse as an older woman’s voice might be.

The curtain went down to end each act with hearty applause from the audience; the performance was a great one, all the cast agreed as they gathered for final curtain calls. Both Harold and Natalie got huge applause and when Harold moved forward to give his curtsies, it seemed the applause was even louder than that for Juliet, probably due to the whistles and hooting from the boys of Mega House.

To everyone’s surprise, as the applause was beginning to weaken after the third set of bows, Natalie stepped forward, raising her hand, in a sign for the audience to become silent.

“I’d like everyone here to give a special extra applause today for the girl, or should I say, boy, who performed the nurse part today. He’s been with us as one of our lead costumers and designed and sewed this lovely dress I am wearing. Today, he was asked to be the nurse. Don’t you think he did a great job? Please come forward, Harold Cochran, also known backstage as Heidi?”

The audience burst into applause, so loud that even the hoots from Mega House were drowned out. Harold obliged by giving a lovely curtsey and Natalie came forward and kissed him on stage, whispering in his ear: “I think you were great.”

Later at a pizza parlor where most of the cast had gone, Natalie came up to Harold and said: “You’re very lovely, and I’m so sorry I gave you a hard time in rehearsal.”

“Natalie, that was what I needed, I guess. I wanted to do the performance of my life to prove to you I could.”

“Well, you did, and, you know, I’d love to see you as Juliet sometime. You’re made for the part.”

Harold smiled, not telling her that he had already worn her dress and performed some of Juliet’s lines. He’d love to be Juliet.

Back at Mega House, Harold arrived to see a makeshift banner across the entrance lobby: “Congrats, Heidi.”

As he entered, he heard someone yell, “Here she comes.” There was a thunder of feet on the stairs and Harold frat brothers descended into the main room of the House, where drinks were being prepared. Everyone seemed genuinely pleased to see Harold and to praise him for his performance.

Willy, the frat president, interrupted the noise of the gathering, to present a bouquet of pink roses to Harold, saying: “To Heidi, the queen of Mega House.”

He even kissed Harold lightly in the presentation. Harold was still dressed in his gender neutral clothes with his hair flowing freely; he looked very girlish. Harold even pranced about the room, accepting the congratulations of most of the boys. He could see a couple of boys avoiding his looks, and talking among themselves, obviously expressing disapproval of Harold’s feminine antics. Yet, no one stepped forward to be critical. Harold looked around the room in vain to see whether his other lover, Kevin, was there; Kevin was nowhere to be seen. Harold was both disappointed and relieved, knowing that Kevin would be disappointed to see Harold again acting like a girl. He truly was fond of Kevin, felt warm towards him; but in the last few weeks he had also found warm embraces and kisses with Grace and later with Willy.

Later in his room, he wondered about what he was doing. He felt a strange attraction toward Kevin, loved their embraces and the taste of Kevin’s mouth in their kisses. With Grace, he felt awkward and unnatural, not sure of how to be intimate with a girl. He smiled to himself, recalling the comfort he felt in Willy’s arms, how easy it was to nestle close to the older boy and how wonderful he felt when being kissed by Willy.

If anything, this wonderful, sweet weekend had proved one thing: that he was meant to be a girl. It only seemed right.

The Daily Husky, the campus student newspaper, somehow had gotten word in advance that Harold was to play the nurse in “Romeo and Juliet,” and their reviewer had attended his debut. There, for everyone to see, was a picture of Harold, dressed as the nurse in a long brown gown, with a white collar, and his long brown hair tucked under a nurses broad brimmed hat. The review read:

“The audience at Sunday’s final performance of “Romeo and Juliet” at the University Players were treated to an outstanding performance by an understudy who took over the part of Juliet’s nurse.

“It is one of Shakespeare’s most demanding supporting roles for an actor, and the understudy nailed it solidly. Despite her appearance as a fragile wisp of a girl, the actor’s recitations of the nurse’s lines were clear, precise and full of feeling, making the nurse live as a strong character.

“Saved for last was the announcement that the understudy was not a girl, but a young man, Harold Cochran, Jr. He played the part without being ‘campy,’ but with a femininity that was truthful and honest.

“In an interview after the play, Director Milton Kastner said young Cochran, a freshman from Milwaukee, had worked with the costume crew, and had been responsible for designing the lovely dress worn by Juliet. He said he ‘found’ Cochran while checking on the costume crew a week earlier and seeing the boy model Juliet’s outfit, even to the point of saying some of Juliet’s lines.

“’I could see he was a natural actor, and I needed someone quickly to be understudy for the nurse. He was a natural. And, I think he’d have been a delight as Juliet, too.’”

Harold’s new found fame was disturbing to him; everyone would now know he often dressed and acted as a girl. He was sure there’d be trouble in the fraternity house, and among his classmates in other parts of the university. Worst of all, he was certain this would get back to his mother.

Harold didn’t realize the story had appeared until he was in his first class on Monday when one of the students sitting near him asked: “Was that Harold Cochran who played a nurse you?”

“What?”

“Here look at this story, and the picture. That’s you, isn’t it?” The student said, pointing insistently and demonstrably so that the action attracted attention of perhaps another half dozen students.

The boy handed him the newspaper, folded to the review, and sure enough, there he was pictured standing with Natalie (as Juliet), both holding bouquets of flowers and acknowledging applause.

Harold blushed, and nodded yes.

“Oh Harold,” commented an eager looking red-haired girl with sparkling eyes. “You look so . . . ah . . . I guess . . . real.”

“Yes, he looks just like a girl there,” said another girl. “That’s cool.”

“He was supposed to look like a girl,” said the first girl. “Nothing wrong with that.”

“I didn’t say there was,” replied the second one.

Harold now wished he could crawl under a desk and be forgotten, particularly when he heard some boy remark: “That’s pathetic. Well, he looks like a girl half the time anyway. Pathetic.”

Fortunately, the professor opened the class and told everyone to be quiet. Harold was still flushed in the face as the class began, feeling that he was being viewed as some sort of a circus sideshow attraction, like “The Bearded Lady,” or “The World’s Fattest Woman.”

As the day went on there were more comments. Most were praiseworthy; several remarked how unusual it was for a boy to play a female part, as well as to be a dress designer and costumer. There were some hushed laughters coming from some, but most of the girls seemed genuinely happy to be associated with Harold. As a rule, most of the boys either said nothing, averted their eyes from Harold or made some crude remark, such as saying Harold was “a fag,” “queer,” “fruitcake” or worse.

Try as he might, Harold could not avoid the attention that day and he was pleased to see Grace awaiting him as he approached the classroom for his last class of the day.

“Oh Harold, my dear, how are you holding up?” She asked, grabbing his arm and guiding him toward the classroom.

“Oh, OK I guess,” he said tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

He wanted to fall into her arms right there in the hallway and cry his eyes out. He was bothered with how often he seemed to cry these days; he felt it was a feminine trait, and it was beginning to be so natural to him.

Grace held him a bit tightly, as they stopped, moving into a small alcove to avoid the oncoming rush of classroom-bound students. Each of her hands caressed his slender upper arms, and she drew him close to her, his head resting now on her shoulder.

“You were simply great yesterday, Heidi,” she said softly into his ear. “You should be so proud.”

“But everybody’s talking about me, saying I’m queer or strange or something,” he said, his crying finally ending.

“Heidi,” she said, still using his girl’s name, “You’re just different but you’re really, really special. The people who matter think you’re just great. We all love you.”

She found a tissue in her purse and wiped his face of the tears, and they entered the last class of the day.

“I understand you had a lovely time Sunday afternoon with Willy and the other boys from your frat house,” she said as they were walking out of class.

“Yes, Willy has been just great to me,” Harold said.

“You fooled all the girls in Rachel’s dorm, I heard?”

Harold just nodded, feeling a bit sheepish as she opened the discussion about how much he was being accepted as a girl.

“Just like most of the people in the play thought you were a girl, until the director told them otherwise,” Grace added. “And you know, I feel we are girl friends, too.”

He stopped, grabbing Grace’s hand, and asking her to halt the walk, directing her to a bench; even though the cold December wind was biting their faces, he felt like talking with her for a few minutes.

“Is it so wrong to be the way I am?” he began. “To be more like a girl than a guy?”

“Harold, or should I say, Heidi, I don’t know. But I do know we have to be ourselves, whatever that is.”

“You’re so understanding, Grace,” he said, leaning over to kiss her lightly on the cheek.

Grace merely smiled and Harold continued: “You know, I felt just like one of the girls in Rachel’s dorm. I just wanted to be there with them, doing all the stuff they do.”

“I know you do,” Grace said. “I was kind of hoping your manhood might emerge on those nights when we dated, but I don’t think you’re comfortable being a boy, or even acting like a boy.”

“Oh Grace, I’m sorry. You and Rachel are the best friends I’ve ever had, but I think of you as my girl friends. Well, not as girl friends, but as girl-to-girl friends. Oh, you know what I mean.”

“I do too, Heidi. You weren’t too eager to act like a boy with me.” She laughed.

“I guess I wasn’t. I really don’t know how to be a boy, I think.”

“That’s OK. I think you really should consider living as a girl eventually.”

“I know,” Harold said. “Willy suggested that too, and wants me to see a counselor here. I know my mother wants me to see a shrink over the Christmas holidays.”

They resumed their walk, splitting off to go in other directions to reach their houses. Harold continued on to the Mega House, feeling good now that he had talked openly with Grace about his feelings and thoughts. He was day-dreaming as he continued the walk, thinking about continuing college as a girl, living among girls and wearing all sorts of pretty frocks.

“Oh there you are!”

Harold’s pleasant musings were interrupted by the angry voice of Kevin. He was within a block of Mega House.

“Oh hi, Kevin,” Harold said, recovering from the shock of the tall young man’s voice.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he demanded, loudly.

“What you mean?”

“Acting in a play as a girl? My God, Harold, I thought you were done with that girl shit.”

Kevin walked in front of Harold, stopping him cold. He grabbed Harold by his arms, kissing him. It was a hard, angry kiss.

“God I love you so much,” Kevin said when he finally released Harold.

“Oh Kevin,” was all Harold could say in reply, noticing the angry look in the other’s face.

“You’re so hot, Harold. You’re my darling, darling, darling,” he repeated, tears filling his face. “But I can’t love you as a girl. I see you only as my sweet young boy, my sweet young lover. You have the sweetest kisses.”

Kevin tried to kiss him again, but Harold freed himself from the taller boy’s grasp, taking command of the situation. He could see Kevin crying now, and Harold took him into his arms on the street there; other students walked by, but in the darkness of late afternoon, few noticed the two boys caressing. In fact, to most people, it looked as if it was a boy-girl hugging together, Harold flowing hair and girlish jacket pegging him as female.

Harold agreed to go with Kevin to a nearby MacDonald’s where they each ordered diet drinks and settled into a remote booth. There, Harold explained that he realized he must be a transgendered person, and that his mind truly was set to make him female. He said further that he was going to go to psychiatrists or other counselors to discuss his future.

“I can’t help what I feel, Kevin. You know how innocent and naíve I am; you were the first person to ever kiss me, except for my mom.”

“Oh Harold, I feel I love you so much. Maybe it is your sweet innocence; I love how slender and pretty you are. Oh Harold.”

Kevin’s words came out as pleas, even though he knew that Harold may indeed have to consider his future and that Harold’s future may lay in being a girl called Heidi.

The two walked to Mega House, holding hands. Kevin had told Harold he would hoped the two would continue to be friends, and Harold replied he wanted to continue to be a friend. Harold knew his friend was crushed; he saw that the boy’s tears continued to flow as they walked. Harold had a strong desire to embrace and kiss Kevin, but he knew that would lead to further problems.

Kevin, it was obvious, would continue to be in Harold life, at least for a while, in the hopes that Harold would end his quest to become female, and instead become the pretty boy he had fancied.

Willy was waiting for Harold as he and Kevin entered the frat house. He looked at Kevin oddly, apparently seeing the boy had been crying. Yet, he said nothing, and merely nodded at both of them.

Harold left Kevin, telling him he needed to clean up after the day and lay down to rest a bit before dinner. The other boy seemed to accept that explanation, but there was a sadness that filled his eyes.

Harold wondered as he lay upon his bed whether he had been Kevin’s first real love, whether this once confident boy who had befriended him early as he entered the frat house was being incapacitated by his unconditional love toward Harold. It was a disquieting feeling, since Harold hated the idea of hurting anyone’s feelings. He wished so much that Kevin could accept him as Heidi and love him as the girl he truly felt he was.

That night, after dinner, Harold left for the Student Library to finish his research for an essay paper he was doing on Walt Whitman for an English literature course; as a freshman, he was not writing anything deep, but wanted to add a perspective whether Whitman’s apparent homosexuality influenced his poetry.

It was nearly 9 p.m. when he left the library and began the two-block return to the frat house. By now, the early December cold had turned bitter, largely due to a brisk northwest wind that stung his face. He walked with his head down, hoping to lessen the effect of the biting cold, thinking again about his friend Kevin, still unable to shake his guilt at having caused Kevin to cry and be disappointed.

“There she is,” he heard a loud, nastily toned voice, interrupt his musing about Kevin.

In an instant, he felt a push from the side as a large dark figure loomed from the left, knocking him into the arms of a huge young man, smelling of beer.

“Here’s the fairy girl of Mega House,” said the second. “Come on kiss me, you faggot.”

They rushed Harold into the bushes, where they pinned him to the ground, taking off his hat, while the second boy, whom he recognized as Tommy from the House, began kissing him roughly and rudely, the beer-sotted mouth sickening Harold, who tried vainly to scream. He was too weak to fight back, and this time the boys knew enough to pin his legs so that he couldn’t kick them in the crotch.

“So you won’t kiss back, you bitch?” said Tommy. “I’ll fix you and your pretty face.”

The boy began hitting Harold in the face now, scratching his face as well. Harold let out a scream that was shortlived as Tommy quit hitting him and placed a hand hard upon his face.

“Let’s see what her pussy looks like,” said the other boy, who Harold thought was also a frat boy, but whom he couldn’t identify.

He felt his pants being removed to expose the girl’s panties he had begun wearing regularly. This brought hoots from the other boy, and soon he was slapping Harold penis and laughing. “My god, did you see anything so pathetic?”

Harold was now powerless, unable to kick, or scream, and he felt so humiliated. The boy Tommy resumed slugging Harold in the face, even scratching the face violently. The other boy now started squeezing Harold’s testicles, and tweaking his tiny penis. Harold now felt dizzy from all of the hits in the face and the squeezes and slaps in his scrotum. He tried again to scream out, wondering how long he could stand the pain. Suddenly the boys let go of him, and Tommy yelled, “That’s for kicking me in the balls, you bitch.” Tommy kicked Harold hard in the ribs, and abruptly left running after his friend, leaving the scene, as if scared off.

Harold was so in shock he lay there for a minute, freezing in the cold.

A light suddenly blinded him and he heard someone say: “Oh my god, are you all right, miss?”

“Yes,” he said softly, weakly, hardly able to speak. “I think so, but I hurt down there.”

“Oh dear, you’re also bleeding in the face, you’ve been cut.”

Harold reached up and found his hand, the light finally left his face and he soon was able to see a uniformed police officer was standing before him. The officer removed his coat and placed it over the shivering Harold. “Just lay there a minute, I’m calling an ambulance, miss.”

“No don’t I just live near here. I’ll be all right,” Harold protested. All he wanted was to forget this moment; he didn’t want police involved and to be examined at a hospital only to find that the “girl” this officer rescued was really a “boy.” It would be so humiliating.

“No, you’re hurt.” Harold could see the officer call into his handheld phone. It was then he lost consciousness.

“We have a possible rape here.” The voice awakened him as he felt himself being moved along on a gurney in the bright lights of a hospital corridor.

“You’ll be fine, miss,” he heard the same voice, looking up in a daze to see the concerned face of a young male paramedic wheeling him along the hallway.

His mind was a confused mess now; what was he doing in this hospital being called “miss?” He hurt so bad, his head ached, his penis and balls felt like they’d explode. His eyes were crusted. He slowly began remembering beaten and attacked by Tommy and another boy, as he was wheeled into an examining room.

“My god, this girl’s got balls and a cock,” Harold heard a nurse say.

Harold realized the nurse had removed Harold jeans and the panties underneath and saw the truth of the situation, something he had feared. Another woman was carefully and gently sponging off Harold’s bloodied face, and she stopped abruptly.

They covered Harold with a sheet, and the nurse parted the curtain that had shielded Harold from the bustle of the emergency room. “Officer, come in here,” she demanded.

It was humiliating to Harold as he told the officer what had happened. He started to cry several times, only to be given a hard look from the officer as he was quizzed. The officer didn’t seem to be interested; it was obvious that he considered this a boy-on-boy fight.

“But, officer,” the nurse demanded, “Can’t you see this boy was assaulted, and if you hadn’t come along he’d have been raped, I’m sure.”

Eventually, a special officer and a social worker from the police department’s victim’s unit arrived, providing Harold with a more understanding interview. “Well,” said the special officer, a tall, hard-looking blonde woman, “I must say you’re the first male I’ve seen here as a victim of a sexual assault, but you were terribly hurt, and we need to treat you as we would any woman or girl.”

Harold was kept overnight for observation and Willy and Jason visited him, having been informed by the police who came to the frat house to get information about Harold and also to see if anyone had seen any part of the attack.

“Did you know who attacked you, Harold,” Willy asked during their visit just before midnight.

“No. It was too dark,” Harold replied.

“You were near the frat house, Harold. Was it Tommy? He had it in for you.”

Harold didn’t answer immediately, saying finally, “I need to rest.”

“Harold, I think you know who attacked you,” Willy persisted.

“It was too dark,” Harold mumbled, closing his eyes, feigning sleep.

By now Harold, though in pain, was lucid; he realized that if he identified Tommy as his attacker that would mean more attention from the police, more discussion of how he was mistaken for a girl and more talking about his girlishness.

Since he was still 17 (his 18th birthday would be Dec. 20), the police had to call his mother. When she got him on the phone, Harold was shocked by her hysterical reaction. She would be driving down first thing Monday from Milwaukee, she said.

“No mom, I’m OK,” he said in a soft, weak voice.

“You sound awful.”

“I’m all drugged up, mom. I’m sorry. Just stay in Milwaukee. I’ll be OK. We only have two more weeks of classes, and then I’ll be home.”

“I’m so worried about you, Harold. This acting like a girl is causing you so much trouble.”

Harold’s voice choked up, and all he could say was, “I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”

“Harold, we’ll talk about this later, honey,” she said. “Just get some sleep now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As it turned out, Willy had called his mother as well, urging her to come to DeKalb if she could. Willy said he called for two reasons; first, as fraternity house president, he had a responsibility and, secondly, he said, “I think very highly of Harold.”

“I think there are some things we need to talk about, Mrs. Cochran,” Willy had said.

As if sensing what Willy had in mind, Mrs. Cochran didn’t query further, and recognized that she’d take the drive, about two hours long, on Monday morning to DeKalb.

“Only a major snowstorm will stop me, Willy,” she said, having been aware that the TV weather people were predicting all sorts of winter havoc. “But, like most of their predictions, I think I’ll be able to make it.”

“Please try, Mrs. Cochran. I think Harold needs you now.”

Willy had placed the call after 11 p.m. that night, after learning of the assault. He had seen Tommy and the other frat brother, Wayne Weathers, enter the frat house quite drunk and disheveled a bit earlier. The two were laughing and bragging, and Willy heard them say something about “taking care of a faggot,” before they saw him and shut up, looking sheepish. Willy had been concerned about their appearance, and then heard the ambulance stop just short of the house.

He had gone out to find that a female student had been assaulted and was being transported to the hospital. Back in the house, he had checked to see if Harold was in his room and found it empty. “Oh my God, I wonder if the girl who was assaulted is Harold,” he said to Jason who had accompanied him.

“It might be,” Jason said. “Harold’s usually not out this late.”

“Oh that poor kid,” Willy said, his own eyes tearing up. “I knew it was just a matter of time before he was assaulted.”

Willy accompanied Mrs. Cochran to hospital to pick Harold up at his release the next day. The boy’s mother had battled wind and light snow that made caused her to drive carefully and more slowly than she would have liked, given the emergency nature of the trip from Milwaukee to DeKalb. She arrived just after 11 a.m., going first to Mega House to pickup Willy. Then, Willy directed Mrs. Cochran, a slight, short woman with a soft, pale complexion, to the hospital. Willy immediately saw how much Harold, particularly when he was dressed as Heidi, looked like his mother; no doubt, Willy mused, if Harold continued into womanhood he would be an attractive woman when reaching the age of his mother.

“You know, Mrs. Cochran, the police thought he was a girl when they first got to the scene,” Willy said as they drove in the five-minute trip to the hospital.

“I was afraid something like this might happen,” she said. “He’s always been so small.”

“Well, I have to admit he’s been acting more and more girlish for some time now,” Willy said. “I’ve really become quite fond of him, Mrs. Cochran, and don’t want him hurt, either physically or emotionally.”

“Willy, I know you’ve been so helpful to Harold. He’s spoken so highly about you, but I know what you mean. I could see it on homecoming weekend. That stuff with Grace, I think, was all a front, to make us think he had a real girl friend.”

Willy smiled. They had reached the hospital and after some paperwork retrieved Harold to take him back to the fraternity house. His mother hugged Harold gently at first, noticing the boy’s bruised and scared face.

Harold’s hair flowed loosely and was a bit of a tangle. Willy was dressed in boy jeans, a plaid shirt, underwear and a winter jacket, which Willy had taken over earlier in the morning since his the clothes he had been wearing were torn and dirty.

“Mommy,” Harold said. “I’m so sorry about all this. You didn’t have to come.”

“Oh my darling boy, I wanna hug you so hard, but I know your ribs hurt,” she said. She kissed him gently and caressed his head lightly and lovingly.

Willy couldn’t help thinking most people would see this to be a scene between a mother and her daughter, even though Harold was now wearing boy’s clothes. His femininity overshadowed even the masculine clothes he was wearing.

“Is it safe for Harold here?” his mother asked Willy as they gathered in Harold’s room after he had been put to bed to rest.

“I don’t know, Mrs. Cochran,” Willy said. “I knew some of the boys have not been nice to Harold, and have harassed him almost from the beginning. Most of the brothers seem to like Harold, but we have a few bums here, too.”

“Do you know who did this to him?”

“No, ma’am, and I think Harold knows, don’t you, Harold?”

Harold merely turned his body to the wall, hiding his head, saying nothing. He so wanted to forget this horrible and frightening night. He felt so totally defenseless, so humiliated in his lack of masculinity and in his own ongoing fears. Harold felt so pathetic and disgusted with himself for suffering through the scorn and laughter that was being heaped upon him by his attackers. No doubt others in Mega House must have felt the same way.

He laid with his back to his mother and Willy, leg drawn up tight in a fetal position while he caressed his slender right bicep with his left hand, feeling its softness.

Willy smiled at Mrs. Cochran and moved to sit on the bed, next to Harold, putting his hand gently upon his head, leaning down and whispering, “Heidi, dear Heidi, think of what a special day you had Sunday, before the attack. Remember how everyone loves you, Heidi.”

He said it so softly that it was doubtful Harold’s mother heard, and Harold did nothing for a few minutes, finally, turning over, and looking at Willy, offering him a warm smile.

“Now let your mother hug you, honey,” Willy said, getting up from the bed.

“Yes, mother’s here, darling,” she said, moving to the bed.

Willy excused himself, saying he had to get to class, but suggesting that perhaps the three of them could go to supper that night.

“Mommy,” Harold said, sitting up and immersing himself into his mother’s arms, feeling her hands caress his small back. “I’m so sorry I’m such a failure, not the boy I should be.”

“I know, Harold, but you’re the sweetest son a mother could have. You’ve been my joy.”

“But, mommy,” Harold said, reverting almost to a little girl’s voice and using the phrase “mommy” as a girl might. “I don’t want to be your son. I want to be your daughter.”

Mrs. Cochran held Harold more tightly as he began crying. Tears were running down his face, which still showed bruises with purplish and yellowish hues as well as streaks of scars. Fortunately, all of the facial damage would heal and show no permanent signs, keeping Harold’s face as pretty as it ever was. His ribs hurt terribly from him being kicked and his scrotum pained terribly. The ribs were bruised, not fractured, which meant Harold would be in terrible pain for about a week, and the damage to his penis and testicles was only temporary.

Mrs. Cochran, too, cried, the both of them hugging together.

“I know honey, you’ve been so happy when you’re like a girl,” she said. “I used to love putting dresses on you when you were little; you were always so pretty.”

“Oh mommy, those were the best times, even when you took me out in the mall all dressed in the yellow summer dress. I was only eight or nine, then. And everyone said ‘what a pretty little girl.’”

“You were so adorable, my little girl. Remember we called you Heidi then.”

“That’s what everyone calls me in the theater crew, Heidi.”

The talk of his joy of being a girl seemed to settle Harold down. “Now get some sleep, my darling,” his mother said. “I’ll be in the lounge, reading for a while. I’ll check on you from time to time. Maybe later we can get you up and go for a little walk.”

As it turned out, Willy had not gone to class, only using that as an excuse to give Mrs. Cochran time to be alone with Harold. He hailed her as she entered the first floor lounge, asking her to join him in the frat house dining room, which was empty during the mid afternoon.

“Mrs. Cochran, I think Harold is a transgendered person, that he really feels he’s a girl,” Willy began, talking slowly.

“Oh, Willy, I know it looks that way, and maybe it’s because he’s never known a father,” she said. “I thank you for your concern, but I’m not sure that given half a chance he might feel better about himself, given some therapy and guidance.”

“Mrs. Cochran, this is none of my business. . . . well, it is. I think so highly of Harold and he’s got so much talent. I’ve gotten to know him this semester and I can see he feels better about himself when he’s in his girl mode.”

Mrs. Cochran didn’t reply at first, finally saying, “Willy, I’ve made several appointments for Harold with a psychiatrist in Milwaukee over the break to check this over. I know he needs help, and I probably was at fault since I let him dress sometimes as a girl when he was small. But I ended that when he turned about 10.”

“No, Mrs. Cochran, I don’t think you’re dressing him had much to do with it. I think it’s in Harold’s nature to feel feminine. I’ve talked with people from the LGBT group on campus and looked up this on the Internet.”

She smiled. “Willy, I have too, but I still think we need to be sure this is what Harold really wants. That he really wants to be a girl. That’s why I want him to see the psychiatrist.”

Willy replied: “That’s fine, but I have invited several of Harold’s friends over to tell you about Harold this semester. They’ll tell you how much Harold fit in as a girl, and, most importantly, how happy he was as Heidi.”

Mrs. Cochran smiled. She knew what Willy was saying was true: Harold was happy being Heidi. Yet, she didn’t want to admit that to herself, recognizing perhaps the difficulties life holds for a transgendered woman, the fact that she’d never have a grandchild, and finally that it might be a betrayal of her late husband.

Chapter 11: Just Among the Girls

After continual questioning by the police, and further quizzing from Willy, Harold finally admitted that his attackers were Tommy and his friend, Wayne, a fact confirmed once Harold saw him at Mega House. Harold refused to press charges, fearing publicity and further humiliation, in spite of pleas from the LBGT group on campus and Willy, all of whom were concerned that attacks based on gender discrimination should not be overlooked.

“I think they just had it in for me,” Harold said. “I don’t think they’d attack for that reason again.”

“But you were badly beaten,” Willy insisted.

“I recovered OK,” Harold said. “I just want this to end.”

Nonetheless, the police charged both Tommy and Wayne with sexual assault and battery, both felonies. Eventually a plea bargain was reached, with both boys pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and misdemeanor assault; they agreed to expulsion from school and probation.

“I kinda feel sorry for them,” Harold said, as the matter was laid to rest two weeks later, just as he was scheduled to go home for the holidays.

“Oh, you’re too sweet to be true, Harold. They beat the shit out of you, humiliated you and you’re sorry for them?”

Harold was indeed sorry for them; his own behavior, his own almost flamboyant effeminacy had inflamed them and caused them to take actions that may have totally ruined their future.

Dr. Stanley Brezowicz maintained a vigorous practice within one of Milwaukee’s huge health systems. He was located in a wooded campus setting which had been one of the area’s first hospitals for the mentally ill; its setting, almost like a country club, belied the tragedies that were contained among the people who populated the cell-like rooms of the two-story psychiatric hospital and who went for outpatient treatment and group sessions in the pretty white three story colonial office building.

Four days before Christmas, and the day after Harold celebrated his 18th birthday, he went to visit Dr. Brezowicz. A fresh snow covered the pines and lawns of the campus as Harold parked his mother’s Chevy on a snow and ice-covered parking lot. He felt foolish as he walked into the building, not sure how he was going to tell a strange man that he felt he was a girl. That’s what he truly felt and said often to himself: I am a girl. I am a girl. It was a feeling that never seemed to leave him.

The doctor’s office was surprisingly spartan; white walls were covered with about a half dozen framed certificates attesting to his expertise and a trophy prominently shelved behind the doctor’s desk with an award of the National Psychiatric Association. There was no couch, as Harold had pictured there might be. There was however a sitting area, with two upholstered side chairs, a love seat and a coffee table.

The doctor was a medium-sized man, balding, bespectacled and the beginning of a paunch. He wore a white shirt with a drab tie and grey pants. Harold was struck with how ordinary looking this man was.

“Harold, tell me what you’re studying in college now,” he began, after directing Harold to the love seat. The doctor took one of the chairs opposite.

The doctor seemed to listen intently as Harold told about his studies in drama and how much he liked school; he found himself telling about his hero father and his loving mother. It wasn’t until the 45-minute session was half over that he said: “So you feel more like a girl, right?”

Soon, Harold was telling Dr. Brezowicz about his desires, his early dressing in girl’s clothes, his love of sewing and designing women’s clothes, his acting roles as the nurse, his enjoyment about being among girls and his joy about being accepted as a girl. The doctor merely nodded, making short comments such as, “go on,” “yes,” “what else?” As he recited these activities, Harold began to wonder if to the doctor his gender proclivities were just normal behavior and nothing to worry about?

Harold saw the doctor two more times before returning to Northern Illinois in mid-January. The second visit included a long session with his mother, with Harold being excused for about 15 minutes.

The doctor asked both Harold and his mother to come for the third visit. In the tradition of psychiatrists, he began the session by telling them: “In the business of the mind, nothing is for certain, but we can see trends and tendencies that will dominate each of us. In Harold’s case, he’s got what we call gender dysphoria, which means his mind is telling him he’s female, even though he’s got male physical characteristics.”

Both Harold and his mother had researched gender issues and felt the doctor’s diagnosis matched their own. Harold smiled at the news, realizing that his feelings of femininity were not products of an active imagination, but his own reality.

The choices were laid out for him: He should eventually begin living as a woman as often as circumstances would permit. Eventually, perhaps by the summer time, he should try to live fulltime as a female, consider taking hormones and perhaps beginning facial surgery and breasts implants to make him more feminine. The final step of sexual reassignment surgery would have to wait for several years, partly to ensure that the switch to being female was indeed best for Harold.

“I am always hesitant to recommend this course, Harold,” the doctor said. “I can see however that you are uncomfortable as Harold, and when I asked you to describe your times as Heidi your spirit seemed to lift up noticeably.”

“I know, doctor, I seem to feel so comfortable as a girl, when I’m being Heidi,” Harold said. He was sitting next to his mother on the love seat, and as he said those words, he looked at her, hoping to see a sign of approval.

“Yes, I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of Heidi,” his mother said, looking at him and smiling. “She’s so much more happy I can see that when she’s being Heidi. And the girls she had befriended at the university also accepted her totally as one of them.”

Harold was sitting primly now, his knees together and his hands folded neatly on his lap. He was so happy that his mother was now looking at him as a daughter, as Heidi.

“Oh doctor, I’d so love to put aside this charade of being a boy,” Harold said.

“It won’t be easy for you, Harold, and you’ll face lots of challenges,” the doctor said. “You’ll find it difficult to get a job. And, you’ll never really be a complete woman, even with the surgery, because you’ll never be able to bear children.”

“I know, doctor, but I can’t continue living as I am now. I can’t ever be the man my dad was. I’m such a failure as a boy.”

His mother reached over and hugged him, kissing him now. “Honey, you were never a failure as a person. You’re sweet and lovely and kind, Heidi, my dear.”

“Mommy, you called me Heidi. I love you, mommy,” he said, adopting his girlish tone.

When Harold returned to the university for the second semester, he found his room assignment had been changed. Though he protested, Willy insisted that, because of the attack he suffered, he should have the private room he had been offered before, a room with a lock and with a private bath.

“But Will Hampton and I got along so well,” Harold protested. “And none of the other boys have a single room.”

“I know, but this room is vacant now,” Willy said. “Harold, you know you give us some special challenges here. You’re entitled to some protection, and the national fraternity office recommended it too. They’re worried about liability.”

“Oh Willy, I hate to cause you so much trouble,” he said.

Willy said that his mother had called and said that the doctor wanted Harold to be able to find times when he could dress as Heidi, since he needed to get into the trial period to see if he could live as a female.

“You know, I think you’re lovely as Heidi. Besides, we want to nominate you for the Princess crown this spring.” Since they were in Willy’s private room, Willy took Harold in his arms, held him tightly and kissed him. Harold, now as Heidi, and surrendered to the lips of this tall, broad-shouldered, muscular blonde young man, and the two kissed passionately.

“I don’t really think you’ll have any trouble here this semester,” Willy said as he helped Harold move his clothes and other materials into the new single room. “You know getting Tommy and Wayne expelled sent a lesson to any others here who might want to cause you harm.”

Harold turned into Heidi every afternoon when he worked as part of the Theater crew; he became the head costume girl, since Daisy felt she had no time for the activity as she was getting ready to enter medical school. “Besides, Heidi’s really better at this anyway,” she said.

Heidi also became Princess of Pompeii at the Spring Pompeii Ball. Though everyone by then knew that Heidi was still “Harold Cochran Jr.,” it was generally agreed that once dressed in his gown he was the prettiest of the girls, well-deserving of the title. Tammy Templeton, from one of the sororities, who had expected to win the title, was miffed, and was quoted in the Daily as saying the election of Heidi Cochran was a “travesty” and “an embarrassment to the University.”

The boys of Mega House even built a throne for Heidi, and carried it on their shoulders with Heidi atop, waving to the ballroom crowd.

“This is a triumph for diversity,” said an editorial in the Daily Husky and it was echoed by the Chicago Tribune.

Henry Williamston III (“Willy”) was Heidi’s escort that night, and the two made a “spectacular couple,” said the Daily, “with the dainty, fragile and feminine Heidi on his arm.”

The Evangelistic College Club was not pleased, and issued a statement that to have a boy crowned “princess” and to wear women’s clothes was “an abomination before God.” Any criticism of this was drowned out in the general feeling that the NIU campus had led the way in a progressive and positive action. Besides, observed the captain of the football team: “Heidi was easily the prettiest. What’s all the fuss about?”

Heidi’s “court of honor” that night included Jason teamed with Rachel (who never looked prettier), and Will Hampton with Grace, looking cute and pixie-like.

Also in the “court” was Kevin, who was escorting Susie who was Rachel’s friend from the dormitory; everyone knew that Kevin and Susie were a couple that night only in tribute to their friend, Heidi. Kevin looked surprisingly masculine and handsome in his rented tuxedo, but it was doubtful there would ever be any sexual passion between the two, since Kevin had acknowledged his homosexuality and Susie was indicating she might be lesbian. Harold had tried hard to win over Kevin’s revulsion toward his feminine mannerism, and had succeeded; the two had co-chaired the Mega House’s charity event in conducting the Easter egg hunt for low-income children. Kevin and Harold had even kissed one last time, but the passion was gone from Kevin’s lips. The two would become lifelong friends.

Heidi (the author from here on in will call her Heidi) was most proud with the fact that her mother came down from Milwaukee with her friend Bill; she was so beautiful that night, Heidi felt. Never had she seen her mother so happy.

“Your father would be so proud tonight,” Heidi’s mother said to her after the Grand March. “You’re easily the belle of the ball, honey. I can picture him bursting the buttons off his coat seeing his pretty daughter wearing this crown.”

“Oh mommy, do you think so, really think so?” Heidi said, beginning to cry.

Heidi knew she was a girl now, worrying about her mascara being ruined with tears. These tears however we tears of joy.

Heidi Cochran did take an understudy role in the University Players’ spring production, but the girl who played the part stayed healthy. That was fine with Heidi, whose work with costumes had taken on a major time commitment.

She attended classes dressed usually in jeans and tops that were unisex in style; she was called “miss” repeatedly, but officially she was still Harold Cochran.

Milton Kastner, the Player’s director, had found a scholarship for Heidi, enabling her to attend summer school and to move out of the fraternity house for the remainder of her college undergraduate years. It was the plan that Grace, Rachel and Heidi would share an upper flat in summer and the succeeding year, and that Heidi would register as “Heidi Cochran” beginning with summer classes.

“I want you to audition for Ophelia in our summer production of Hamlet,” Director Kastner told her after the spring production was ended. “I know you’ll make it.”

Heidi’s full transition into womanhood was several years away; the Cochran’s couldn’t afford the breast implants and facial surgery immediately, since it was not covered by Mrs. Cochran’s employee health insurance plan. Hormone therapy is covered and that was to begin in summer.

“You’re my girl and I will be here this summer to protect my interests,” Willy laughed as he and Heidi were hugging and kissing one warm May evening at their lover’s spot overlooking the city. His summer intern job in Rockford would keep him close enough so that he and Heidi could date on weekends.

“And, you’re my man, darling Willy,” Heidi cooed, nestling into his arms, looking at the stars above the city, realizing what a lucky girl she was.

The End