Behold, true believer, from the world of Identity Crisis, the team up that absolutely nobody demanded! Or even conceived of! Seriously, not even the infinite monkey theorem could have predicted this story! When the legendary League of Chinchillas meets the astonishing AquaFish, it’s a thrilling, spine-tingling, senses-shattering tale that makes Homer’s Odyssey look like dog puke! Cleanup on Aisle 3 for...adventure! (A tale of Faraday City.)

By Jenny North
Artwork by Splutt

Prodigious Girl flew up and landed just outside the pet store, and as she entered the building and the automatic door slid open, the cool breeze from the air conditioning blew dramatically through her cape and hair. With it came the familiar scent of animals and desperation.

"Petco," she said to herself. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"Hey, PG!" the girl at the register said with a friendly wave. "Back again, huh?"

"Hey, Shelby," Prodigious Girl called back as she made her way into the store. She couldn't be distracted with idle chitchat, she was on a mission. But as she passed the terrariums, she froze as she felt a shiver run up her spine, almost as though she was in the presence of evil.

Ultimate evil.

On her guard, her eyes darted this way and that, feeling as though her Prodigious Sense might be warning her of danger. If she had one. (Which she probably didn't.) Still, she could almost feel something creeping up on her, something malevolent, something dark, something…

*Uuurp* she burped.

"Ugh. Gotta lay off those burritos. Oh, here we go," she said as she grabbed an item off the shelf and returned to the cashier with her purchase.

"You sure do buy a lot of fish flakes!" Shelby commented as she rang up the sale. "I haven't seen you in a while, though."

"Yeah, one of our little guys got, um, adopted," PG replied as she fished in her utility belt for cash.

"Oh, how fun!" the girl said. "What kind of fish do you have?"

The teen heroine hesitated. "They're…exotic," she replied. Then, as Shelby continued to look at her inquisitively, she added, "They're...uh…Swedish...fish."

Shelby furrowed her brow. "You mean like the candy?"

"Yep. Like the candy," PG said nervously as she collected her purchase. "Well, gotta run…see you next time!" she called as she hurried out the door and took to the skies.

Shelby watched out the window as PG flew off. Then, for just a moment she, too, felt a shiver run up her spine, but she just chalked it up to the air conditioning that was blasting through the store rather than the presence of ultimate evil.

"Sweeedish Fiiiisshh…yessss…." a guttural voice whispered.

* * * * *

Captain Chinchilla leaned heavily against the glass walls of The Habitat, the base of operations for the League of Chinchillas. He tried to peer beyond the glass to look out on the store they had sworn to protect, but all he could see was his reflection staring back at him, his cute little fuzzy face mocking his failure.

"Curse these tiny little paws!" he swore to himself as he hit the thick glass wall in frustration.

From behind him came the dulcet voice of Wonder Chinchilla. "You can't blame yourself for what happened, Cap," she said gently. "What happened to Chilla was tragic, but she knew the risks. We all did."

"We've lost so many," Cap whispered. "The Blazing Chinchilla, MechaChinchilla, young Chinchy…"

"Some were adopted."

"Yes, and they're probably off fighting crime in some child's bedroom somewhere, I know! But to lose one in the line of duty…"

"Nobody is blaming you, Cap," Wondy said.

"Like fun they aren't," the black-furred SaberChin snarled as he hopped off the exercise wheel. "Chilla would still be alive if it weren't for him! If I'd been the one in charge—"

"A pox on your dark ambitions!" Captain Chinchilla spat. "Maybe if you'd followed orders like you were supposed to—!"

Wondy interposed herself between them before they came to blows. "We all miss her," she said, knowing that neither one of them was ready to admit how deep their feelings for their fallen comrade really ran. "Chilla was the heart of the team," she said as she waggled her whiskers despondently. "But we have to go on without her."

"How can we go on without a heart?" Cap whispered.

"You find something new to fight for," an aged voice came.

"Master Chin!" SaberChin gasped.

Wondy leaped forward to help their unsteady mentor. "Sir, you shouldn't be out of bed," she said. "Would you like some pellets, or hay—?"

He wrinkled his cute little nose and shook his head. "Chinchilla Lass's sacrifice was great, but we must honor her memory by carrying on the work to which she dedicated her life. There are still many within Petco whose squeaks for justice go unheard. It is a dark and evil place."

They nodded solemnly and observed a moment of silence for the lost heroine. But then from the habitrail there came the sound of scuffling feet over the pine shavings that lined the floor and they all looked up.

"Hey, what's the matter, somebody die or something?" Chinchilla Lass said brightly as she wiggled her ears.

"Chilla!" They cried as they ran up to her. SaberChin bounded over to her and picked her up and spun her around in his tiny paws. Wondy gave her a big hug, while Cap, still stunned, held back slightly and twitched his whiskers bashfully as they made eye contact with each other.

"We thought you were dead! How did you get away?" Wondy wondered.

"It is a remarkable feat," Master Chin agreed.

Chilla lowered her head as she looked at them gravely and a fire flashed within her dark little eyes. "I was captured," she told them. "I fear that a dark new power has arisen within the walls of Petco."

The others, overjoyed at being reunited with their comrade, had no idea that the effervescent young heroine was not who or what she seemed.

* * * * *

Later that evening and two aisles away, the real Chinchilla Lass struggled against the walls of her cage inside one of the terrariums. "Let me out!" she cried. She focused her telekinetic powers into a blast of raw psychic energy, but the attack proved useless against the reinforced walls.

"Save your strength, rodent," a female voice came from somewhere. At first Chilla tensed up thinking it was one of her captors, but the voice was melodic and gentle with a sad resignation to it.

"Who are you? Where am I? Come out where I can see you!" Chilla demanded.

"Ah, the fiery temper of the hot-blooded Latina," the voice said. "I am down here."

Chilla looked through the bars of her cage and around the rest of the terrarium in puzzlement before her dark eyes settled on the pool of water where she beheld a twinkling flash of silver. There was a small splash and she could just make out the movement of gossamer silver fins beneath the water's surface.

"You're a water breather," Chilla said, horrified. "I've heard of your kind. Cold-blooded and slimy. Why have you brought me here?"

"I didn't bring you here," she replied. "My name is Angelfish, and I am a captive here, the same as you. And while my people may be cold-blooded, we are not slimy," she said defensively.

"Yeah, well, I don't trust anybody with gills," Chilla said. "I've got a great set of lungs, just ask anybody," she declared proudly.

"I'm sure. Perhaps you can take it up with our captor."

Chilla glanced around the terrarium uncertainly. "Who is it? I was unconscious when they brought me here."

"I'm so glad you asked!" a female voice replied. To Chilla's amazed eyes, another Chinchilla Lass came bounding into the terrarium with bright eyes and frisky whiskers.

"You fake! You look just like me!" Chilla gasped. "Who are you? What's your game?"

The false Chinchilla Lass stroked her soft auburn fur coquettishly as she tossed her head. "My game? My game, my dear, is to rule this Petco. Unfortunately both the League of Chinchillas and the AquaFish have managed to thwart my plans in the past by land and sea, but they are no match for—each other!"

"Who are you?" Chilla demanded.

Her duplicate gave her a coy little smile and then leapt to the highest branch in the terrarium which had been arranged into what looked like a circle of magical wooden totems. Then, before her amazed eyes there was a flash of magical fire and her doppelganger changed form and shrunk down into a brightly-colored tree frog.

"Doctor Frog!" Chilla cried in recognition. "You'll never get away with this!"

"I'd loooove to chat, but I stiiiill have oooone stop to maaaake, heh heh heh," the magical frog croaked. With that, he transformed again into a beautiful silver fish with long elegant fins and then flopped into the water. "Thanks to me the accursed League of Chinchillas now blames the AquaFish for their missing teammate! I just have to do the same with the AquaFools and watch as the heroes destroy each other!" he cackled in Angelfish's sexy female voice.

"You fiend! You'll never get away wi—oh, wait, I said that already. But I'm confused," Chilla said. "Why impersonate both of us? Wouldn't one of us do the trick?"

"Maybe he just likes to dress that way," Angelfish muttered.

"INSOLENT CUR!" Doctor Frog exclaimed.

"Yes, Master?" Insolent Cur said from outside the terrarium. He was across the aisle playing with the other puppies in the pen.

"Oh, good, there you are. Keep an eye on these two while I go to sow the seeds of dissention!" he proclaimed.

"Okie dokie," Insolent Cur agreed.

Disguised as Angelfish, Doctor Frog swam through the hidden tube that connected his terrarium to the aquariums the next aisle over as the two heroines watched helplessly.

"We gotta stop him!" Chilla exclaimed. "I mean, seriously, your friends are gonna get their butts kicked."

"Yes, I—wait, what?" Angelfish said. "My team is every bit the equal of yours!"

"Oh, please. What are they going to do, flop around on the dinner plate?"

"I'll have you know we can hold our breath for a very long time!"

Chilla leaned helplessly against the bars of her cage. "Oh, it's pointless, anyway. How are they even going to get together to fight?"

"Bettafish is a master mechanic," Angelfish declared. "They'll take the AquaTank."

Chilla waggled her whiskers in confusion. "They'll take the who with the what now?"

* * * * *

It was quiet in the store as Shelby sat at the checkout counter thumbing through a magazine. For a moment she thought she heard the sound of a small motor start and looked up in puzzlement, but she didn't see anything and soon returned her attention back to the article she was reading.

A few seconds later a small motorized fishbowl on wheels cruised past on the tile floor, headed out from the aquarium aisle and making a beeline for the chinchilla habitat.

Shelby peered up from her magazine and looked around again. She then shrugged and went back to reading.

* * * * *

"Chinchillas, congregate!" Captain Chinchilla cried as the battle against the AquaFish was joined in earnest. "This one is for Chilla!"

"We really need a better battle cry," Wonder Chinchilla said as she cast a watchful eye around the battlefield. She'd squared off against the ethereal Ghost Shrimp, whose invisibility had negated her super-strength and speed as he poked at her with his lightning-fast pereiopods.

"You're facing off against the toughest Siamese fighting fish in the tank, chump," Bettafish said to SaberChin as he struck a fighting pose and flashed his long colorful fins. Like the others, he seemed to be wearing some apparatus that fed water across his gills that allowed him to breathe. He was clearly operating at a disadvantage on dry land but his martial arts skills were obviously unparalleled.

"Yeah, well, you're not in the tank now, bub," the ebon-furred SaberChin taunted back as he extended his razor sharp claws. He launched himself at the warrior fish and the two of them traded blows.

"This is insane!" Captain Chinchilla declared as he crossed swords with Goldfish-1, the muscular leader of the AquaFish. "Surrender before we're forced to destroy you!"

"Never trust an air breather!" Goldfish-1 cried as he swung his sword in a mighty blow that Cap only barely managed to parry.

The two teams fought without quarter, furry fists of fury matched against the mighty scales of justice. But finally the chinchillas managed to get the upper hand when Cap breached their AquaTank, spilling the fishes' precious water reserves even as SaberChin scored a lucky blow against Bettafish's regulator, cutting off his oxygen supply.

"Fish out of water!" Bettafish gasped.

With that, the mighty Goldfish-1 leapt back from Captain Chinchilla and waved his sword in the air dramatically as he chanted, "Aqua! Aqua! Aqua! AquaFish… SCHOOOOOOLLLLL!!!" A signal went up and from out of nowhere a huge school of magical Neon Tetras filled the habitat, turning the tide of battle.

Captain Chinchilla backed up against SaberChin as they made grim eye contact.

"Fine, I admit it. They've got a better battle cry than us," Cap conceded.

* * * * *

"Okay, this is bad," Chilla said as she heard the sounds of combat in the distance. "We gotta get out of here and warn them before your team gets creamed!"

Angelfish rolled her eyes. "Again, I wouldn't be too quick to assume that—"

Chilla launched another telekinetic assault on the cage, to no effect. "It's useless! We'll never get out of here!"

"Maybe not on our own, but perhaps by working together?" Angelfish suggested.

"What, you mean like teamwork? That's so crazy it just might work!"

"I also have psychic powers," Angelfish explained. "Perhaps I can boost your abilities slightly so you can escape your prison."

"Okay, but I'm not sure if—whooooooaaaaa," Chilla gasped as she stared off into infinity. A fiery glow enveloped her and she floated in mid-air as she spread her paws wide. The cage vaporized in a flash of cosmic energy.

"Hear me, Petco!" Chilla declared. "No longer am I the chinchilla you knew! I am fire! And life incarnate! Now and forever—I am Star Chinchilla!"

"Yikes," said Angelfish. "I think I may have overdone it. Are you okay?"

Chilla absently looked down at her paw. "I...I think I see a Higgs bosom."

"I think you mean boson."

"That, too." Then she stared up towards the ceiling. "Oh, hey, look. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. Neat."

"I'm definitely feeling like I may have overshot the mark a little," Angelfish said. She gasped as she was telekinetically lifted from the water, then gasped again when she realized that she had literally gasped the first time despite not being in the water anymore. Apparently Chilla had affected the molecules of the air somehow so she could breathe.

"Maybe more than a little," she amended. As the two heroines floated up and out of the terrarium she noticed that Insolent Cur was watching them in amazement.

"You probably don't want to get involved with this," she warned him.

"Okie dokie," he agreed.

* * * * *

In the quiet of the store Shelby looked up and cocked an ear as she heard the tiny sounds of scuffling and tapping on glass. For a second she could have sworn she saw a flashlight that looked like the shape of a fish on the ceiling and then there was a noise like an electrical short followed by a flash of light over by the frog terrariums as though a light had just burned out.

She threw her magazine down in a huff. "Josh, you'd better not be trying to lick those frogs again!" she yelled. "While Marco is out, I'm in charge, remember? You hear me?"

* * * * *

The chinchillas had rallied thanks to an inspiring talk from Master Chin during which time everyone had inexplicably stopped fighting for several minutes while the aged master droned on about honor, responsibility, and the importance of starting the day with a well-balanced breakfast featuring new chocolate Chinchilla-Os with marshmallows. But now things were looking grim as both teams stood on the brink of annihilation.

"You'll pay for your crimes, air breather," Goldfish-1 gurgled as he forced his blade to Cap's furry throat and drew a tiny trickle of blood.

Suddenly the action ground to a halt as a strange energy froze everyone in place, leaving them unable to move.

"Chinchillas! AquaFish! Heed the words of...Star Chinchilla!"

"Is that…Chinchilla Lass?" Wondy wondered.

"Can't be," SaberChin said. "Chilla's waist sash was green. Hers is gold."

Angelfish, hovering in the air above the habitat in Chilla's telekinetic grasp, stared at them incredulously. "Really? That's the only difference you're seeing?"

Ghost Shrimp looked up in confusion. "Does this feel a little sudden to anyone else? It just seems a little...unearned? Deus ex mackerel?"

"Right? Thank you!" Angelfish agreed emphatically.

"You have been deceived!" Chilla said. "You are all being manipulated by the evil…Doctor Frog!" she declared dramatically. With that, she waved her paw and used her telekinesis to yank the startled amphibian from his hiding place where he had been watching the battle.

"Uh oh," said Doctor Frog.

"Now begone! Back to your swamp and trouble us no more!" With a flourish she waved her paw again and the evil frog was launched through the air and sailed in a graceful parabolic arc towards the terrariums.

Back at the register, Shelby looked up just in time to see a small object go sailing over the aisles and land with a small 'ploop' in the water.

"Josh, so help me God, I'm going to tell Marco you've been fucking around with the frogs again!" she said as she marched from the register to see what was going on.

"Our time is short," Chilla said. "Thank you, brave AquaFish. I hope we meet again under better circumstances."

Master Chin nodded. "Mighty warriors, you serve the Petco below the waves as we serve above. And all of us have learned an important lesson today about trust."

"Indeed," Goldfish-1 said in a patronizing tone. "Never trust an amphibian."

"Exactly," Captain Chinchilla said, extending his paw to shake the other's fin.

Master Chin looked between them. "I'm not sure that's the correct lesson…"

"Welp, time to go," Chilla declared with a wiggle of her whiskers, as the AquaFish vanished in a flash and were instantly transported back to their home aquarium.

As Shelby rounded the corner she looked at the broken fishbowl on the little motorized cart that was sitting in the middle of the aisle and surrounded by a large puddle of water.

"What the—?," she muttered. "Josh! Cleanup on Aisle 3! Again!"

* * * * *

From over by the bird cages, two beady little eyes watched the chinchilla habitat with jealous interest.

"Let the rodents enjoy their victory. They have no idea of the power that dwells within their midst."

"Whatcha gonna do, Professor Budgie? Whatcha gonna do?" Cecil squawked.

"The fools think themselves safe with dominion over the land and sea, but they will never see us coming—from the air! And once we turn the girl's burgeoning power against them, soon all of Petco will go to the birds! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

The End…?