CHAPTER 9 -- My Body

I tried wearing the bra and T-shirt combination to school. I had to wear one of my new shirts over it, because my old ones were too small. I expected people to find out and harrass me for it, but I actually didn't have much trouble. Either they didn't notice, or they already assumed I was wearing one. The harrassment wasn't better, but it wasn't worse than last week, which I counted as a plus.

Meanwhile, I was discovering things about my body. At home, I'd always spent a lot of time in my room, but more so now that things were so weird at home and I didn't have any friends. I'd taken to feeling my breasts and my crotch a lot, mostly to get used to what they were shaped like and to the feelings I got when I touched them. It felt funny to be shaped that way, and I guess it was a way of getting used to it. I was discovering that gently rubbing my breasts or just touching the insides of my thighs or pretty much anywhere near my crotch turned me on.

Anyway, I'd be rubbing somewhere and I wouldn't want to stop, and then, after another while that just felt better and better, I'd have a feeling sort of like what I had when I had a penis and I'd jack off, only different. I'd heard that girls masturbate. I didn't exactly know how they did it, but I wondered if this was it. I also wondered if Teresa did it. I was sure her parents would have let her know that it was just fine for her to do it. Once I got the hang of it, it wasn't hard for me to get myself off. One time, I managed it just rubbing my breasts and tickling my nipples. This must be what Dr. Newcomb meant by "an approximation of female sexual response." I have to admit, I liked it, but at the same time, I was weirded out by it.

I was trying out wearing the skirt at home. It really was a lot more comfortable and it felt kind of cool to be able to move my legs around without pants legs pulling on them. Sort of like being naked from the waist down without actually being naked. I came down to dinner once or twice wearing it and nobody said anything. I think they were trying to pretend it wasn't happening. I didn't blame them. I even went out a few times after dark, when I figured no one would see. But the cold air got under my skirt, and I was really cold!

I tried the tights a few times, just to see what it felt like. It felt really funny, cold and hot at the same time. But one thing I noticed: I didn't have the same problem with my thighs that I had with pants. They didn't rub me the same way. Mostly, they didn't move around at all. I thought about wearing them under my pants at school.

I'd go back and forth. One minute, it all felt perfectly logical and normal, the next minute I felt like I was getting swallowed up by quicksand. Every move I made seemed to be pulling me into being a girl. It felt like it was turning me into not-me.