The Waitress, II   By Melissa Tawn   A disgraced television comedian ends up living the life of a female character he created. Where will this lead him?

Drs. Mautner and Gold were well aware that their decision to perform sexual reassignment surgery on Darleen, and do it as quickly as possible, was a risky one. They well knew that Darleen was not a transsexual in the classical definition of the word, and that he did not consider himself a woman “inside”. The psychological shock following surgery would certainly be greater for him than for others. After SRS, there is always, of course, the effect of realizing the final and irreversible loss of what men call their “crown jewels”. This is not just a passive matter. The patient must actively dilate her new vagina for an extended period of time after the operation, driving home that loss in a most unavoidable way. Transsexuals are able to handle this because they saw themselves as women to begin with. How Darleen be able to deal with it was a very open question. Of course, Darleen had been living as a woman for nearly ten years, and was very much in love with a man. The psychological tests that Dr. Gold and her staff performed on Darleen showed that her thought and emotional patterns were much more feminine than masculine. The shock from the operation might be just the thing needed to push Darleen to finally recognize and embrace a feminine identity.

In order to be more certain of the outcome, Darleen himself now entered a long and complex process. Before she could have any surgery, she had to undergo a battery of psychological tests, administered by Dr. Gold’s staff, and long interviews with Dr. Gold herself who, while always being polite and friendly, sometimes deliberately pushed Darleen into emotional tight corners and blind alleys, to see how he would react.

In one such session, for instance, Dr. Gold prodded Darleen to tell about his days as a television star. Darleen was surprised at how little he could remember. The big mansion (Darleen couldn’t even remember the address), the flashy cars, and the seemingly-unlimited supply of ready underage girls all seemed like something in a long-forgotten dream world, one he didn’t even miss. He could not even recall the name of the girl with whom he was photographed at the baseball game. (Dr. Gold’s staff had, in fact, tracked the girl down, though they didn’t contact her. After the incident, she had been placed with a caring foster family who were able to get her back on track emotionally and mentally. She finished high school successfully and later married the boy who took her to the senior prom. After he finished college, they moved to Arizona, where he now ran a very successful small chain of dry-cleaning establishments. The couple has three girls one of whom, ironically, is named Darleen in memory of her father’s late sister.)

Dr. Gold also asked about his dreams. In his dreams, Darleen was definitely male. It had always been so. Often he dreamt he was a James-Bond type secret agent, or an astronaut, or some other very macho character engaged in a dangerous and difficult assignment. Unfortunately, in trying to accomplish those tasks, he would inevitably run into difficulty and would be saved, if at all, at the last minute by a woman who unexpectedly came to his rescue. Dr. Gold asked him to think of what such dreams could possibly mean, and let him come up with various interpretations. However, she did not offer one herself.

When Darleen would come home from some of these exhausting sessions, she would often feel depressed, and the situation was made harder by the fact that he dared not share any of this with Ed. Sometimes, he would lie in his bed for hours, wondering if he had done the right thing by agreeing to this procedure. He realized that the mantra, “I am not a woman, I am not gay, I am just in hiding,” which he had used over the years, was sounding very hollow. He would clearly never be able to live as a man again, even if he decided to try it. When, before going to his first meeting with Dr. Mautner, he had tried on some male clothes he looked ridiculous — a woman dressing up. No, there was clearly no way back. Moreover, he was in love with Ed, he really was, and he knew that that love could only be realized if he really became a woman, as he presented himself to the world.

It would be nice to be a woman, but Darleen knew he wasn’t one … yet. Could surgery turn him into one? Dr. Mthembu had given him a long explanation of sexual reassignment surgery, complete with a PowerPoint presentation. Darleen really couldn’t concentrate on it. He kept on looking at Dr. Mthembu — a fine, lithe, handsome man, as only African men could be. He was thin but solidly built, muscular, with a neatly-trimmed moustache and flashing eyes. One could imagine him running in the 200-meter dash in the Olympic Games. (Darleen didn’t know it, but, while still a girl just out of high school, Dr. Mthembu, was in fact on her country’s the track-and-field team in the Pan-African games; like many African runners, she ran barefoot.) Dr. Mthembu had been born a woman! Darleen had asked him for a “before” picture of himself, but he refused. Then, one day, Darleen noticed on Dr. Mautner’s wall a group picture of her graduating class from medical school. In one of the front rows was a beautiful black woman with the same flashing eyes. Was this Gloria Mthembu? Standing before him, George Mthembu exuded masculinity — would Darleen exude femininity after Dr. Mautner worked her magic? Dr. Mautner and Dr. Gold were so very feminine, and they had been born men. So maybe it was possible after all.

The person who lived that life of a famous television star was no more, and clearly could never be back again. But the person who was here now was not the woman. That was the problem. The physical matters, Dr. Mautner and Dr. Mthembu had assured Darleen, could be taken care of. But could changing the body also change the psyche? Darleen could not come up with an answer to this conundrum, no matter how hard he tried. It all boiled down to one question: is the psyche something that we are born with and independent of the body? If it is, then Darleen felt he had no hope, for no amount of surgery could make him into a woman “inside”, any more than living the role for the past 10 years had made him into a woman. But could the psyche itself be changed through surgery on the body?

Somehow, Darleen knew the key lay with Ed. If there was anything that could transform him into a total woman, it would be his love for Ed and Ed’s love for him. He had to bring Ed into the decision-making process somehow, without telling him what was really going on.

Darleen had a meeting with all three of the doctors scheduled for Tuesday. On the Sunday before that, she took the unusual step and accompanied Ed to church. There, silently and intensely, she prayed for some sort of divine guidance in finding the right way. After church, he and Ed went, as planned, to the Botanical Gardens to look at a new exhibit of tropical flowers. However, it was very clear that Darleen’s attention was not on the blooms. He was silent and distracted, on one hand, while on the other he clung to Ed’s hand tightly, like a child afraid of losing its parent. In each beautiful flower, he looked for an answer to his problem. Can the dull bud I am become a blossom?

Ed sensed something was very wrong. Finally, he ushered Darleen to a bench, hugged him tightly, and begged that, whatever the problem was, Darleen share it with him. “I have a medical decision to make.” Darleen began. “My doctor is concerned a large growth which I have, and wants to remove it. He assures me that the growth is benign, and that the operation is routine, but I am still scared.” “Go for it,” Ed answered. “These things are better gotten rid of.” “If they do operate,” said Darleen, “I will probably never be able to have children.” “It is a risk one has to take,” Ed responded, and hugged Darleen tightly. “Having children is important, but having you is more important. I love you very much, Darleen, and I know that love can change the world, if only we let it.” Darleen hugged him very tightly, and silently prayed that Ed’s love could and would cause the change in her for which she yearned.

“While we are sitting down,” he continued seemingly nonchalantly, “there is also something I have been meaning to ask you.” “What is it, honey?” said Darleen. “Will you marry me?” said Ed, taking from his jacket pocket a small box containing a beautiful diamond ring (the same ring he had given to his late first wife). Darleen was utterly startled. “Are you serious, Ed, even after what I just told you?” “Yes,” he replied. “I love you, Darleen, totally, forever, and unconditionally.”

“And I love you, Ed, … yes, yes, yes, yes, yes I will marry you.”

When Darleen met with the doctors on Tuesday, she didn’t waste any time. “I definitely want the operation. I want it as soon as possible.” When Dr. Gold asked her what prompted the decision, she just held up her hand and showed off her ring. “Ed proposed?” asked Dr. Mautner excitedly. “Yes, she said, “and I accepted. I want to be a total and complete and splendid woman for him. The wonders you do with your scalpel will help, but Ed’s love is the catalyst that will make it all come true.”

Since everything was ready, the operation was scheduled for the coming Friday. From a technical point of view, it was a great success, and Dr. Mautner said, afterwards, that she considered it one of her best jobs. The recuperation took time, of course, and there were more than a few psychological crises along the way, as was to be expected. But Darleen, with the help of Dr. Gold’s support and Ed’s total love, overcame them all. Six months after the operation, she and Ed were married in the church were Ed sang in the choir. Dr. Mautner and Dr. Gold chipped in to give the couple a big present: a honeymoon cruise that included a three-day stop in South Africa, where Dr. Mthembu, who had returned home in the meantime, promised them a very special welcome and promised to be their personal tour guide.