Twins

Part Two

Chapter Seven

Ted and I had just turned eleven when our FBI handlers came calling. They had some bad news and we had some life-altering decisions to make. Agent Groves and agent Martinez called and explained they would be coming by to talk to us Wednesday evening.

After dinner there was a knock on our front door.

“That must be the FBI,” Dad said.

That was obvious, as all Ted’s and my friends always came through the kitchen. We used to come through the front door but always ended up in the kitchen and after one incident after a rain storm Mom asked us to please come through the back door. Ever since then, Shannon and my friends entered that way as did Ted’s friends, and, as they would say, it’s closer to the refrigerator. Did I mention we ate a lot? Active growing kids seem to eat everything in sight and our friends were no exception.

Dad opened the door and let the two Agents in the entry.

“Good evening Mr. Crane, you’re looking well,” Agent Groves said as a greeting.

“Good evening Agents, shall we go into the living room?”

Dad motioned the indicated and ushered them in. Mom, Ted, and I were still in the kitchen just finishing dinner.

“Honey, the Agents are here. Bring the kids in here please.”

“Come on kids, let’s get this over with.”

We walked to the living room and I could see the surprise on Agent Martinez’s face. The last time she had seen me I had very short hair and pretty much looked like Ted. Now a very cute girl smiled back at her.

“Cindy! My! What a surprise! You’ve become a very pretty young girl since the last time I saw you. Are you still interested in sports?”

“Yes Agent Martinez. I made the all-star team with Ted.”

“See, didn’t I tell you girls were as good as boys,” she said with a chuckle.

“Let’s get to business,” Agent Groves said. “How have you been settling in? Any problems living here?”

“No, as a matter of fact, we’ve grown quite fond of the community. We have wonderful neighbors and I’ve built a small following of customers. The kids have a large group of friends and if possible we really don’t want to move again.”

‘’I’ll put you at ease, there is no discussion about moving you again, but we’ve reached the point where decisions have to be made. As we mentioned when you went into the program you would have time to acclimate to your new lives, which it sounds as though you’re doing very nicely. The only fly in the ointment though is Cindy. We mentioned that a time would come where there would be no turning back to her life. She could remain a girl or become Marcus once again and that time has come. Cindy has to appear to be a normal girl and this is the time in her life that puberty would start.”

“What are you saying?” Mom asked, obviously concerned about what agent Groves was inferring.

“She will have to start puberty during summer vacation if we are to continue with witness protection. If not, you can opt out and go back to being a family with twin boys. There is a second problem though and I would hate to have what has happened influence your decision about Cindy, but it must be made known to you. The man you testified against has escaped from custody.”

“What! How did that happen? He was sentenced to life in prison,” Dad asked.

“He was to be brought to trial for a different murder and, during the transfer, thugs from the Russian Mafia attacked the vehicle he was riding in and he got away. Two marshals were killed. There’s a countrywide manhunt looking for him, but I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for him to be captured. That group has very good means for hiding people and it’s important that you know of the situation.”

“That’s just great!” Dad exclaimed in frustration. “Now what do we do?”

“Continue living as you are now, but I must warn you that if you decide to quit witness protection and Cindy becomes Marcus again, I don’t like your chances.”

“So you’re saying Cindy has to go the next step?”

“We’re not saying that at all. The optimum scenario is to continue with the original plan but we can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. The choices are yours to make, but since Cindy has been living as a girl for three years she might want to continue her development. The only thing though is if she makes that decision there will be no turning back. She will always be Cindy.”

“Do you have to have an answer tonight?” Mom asked.

“No of course not. Talk it over and think about it. Let us know what you want to do?”

The agents left and Dad called a meeting to discuss what was being asked of me.

“Wow, that was a shock,” Dad said.

“It was, I can’t believe that man escaped,” my mother responded.

“Thank God we’re in this program. I don’t think he will find us.”

“How can you be so sure?” Mom asked.

“He’ll be looking for a family with two identical twin boys.”

“Yes, I imagine he will, which brings us to the other thing Agent Groves said. If this is to continue, Cindy will have to become a real girl and I’m not sure if she will want that?”

“Can’t Cindy become Marcus again?” Ted asked.

“She could, but if she does we’ll have to leave the witness protection program,” Dad said.

“Why couldn’t we still be in the program and be brothers again?”

“Because it would be too easy for the assassin to find us and the FBI doesn’t want the responsibility of protecting us. We already served our purpose so there is no reason to keep us hidden.”

“We’re hidden now.”

“Yes we are, but that’s because Marcus was brave enough to become Cindy. If she became Marcus again all bets are off.”

“You’re talking like I’m not even here,” I whined.

“We’re sorry, Cindy. We didn’t mean to ignore you. It was just easier to talk about your options.”

“My options?”

“Yes. What we’re talking about is whether you would want to remain Cindy for the rest of your life? It would be a very big decision for someone as young as you to make,” Mom said.

“I’ve been Cindy for three years and I really like being her. I don’t have a problem being her for a while longer.”

“That’s not what is being offered to you. If you continue being Cindy, the FBI wants to make it permanent; in other words you’ll become a real girl and there will be no turning back. Marcus will be gone forever.”

“Why couldn’t I change back?”

“Because if you decide to continue being Cindy, you’ll be given hormones to make you become a woman and because of your age you’ll be a woman forever. I’m sure you’ve had some sex education class by now explaining the differences between men and women. Girls and boys mature differently. Girls become softer and boys become more muscular. I’m sure you noticed your friend Shannon has been changing. She’s started her puberty.”

“If I decide to become a real girl, will I still be able to play baseball?”

“Of course you can, but you might not want to. The hormones will change your body and you won’t be as good of a player as Ted. They do have girl’s teams in high school, but you would be playing softball instead.”

“But I like baseball.”

“And you can play for as long as you like. What I’m saying is you might not want to.”

“Why?”

“Because girls think differently when they go through puberty. If you decide to become a girl, you’ll see.”

“What kind of changes will happen to me?”

“You’ll become a woman. The outside is easy to see, but if you don’t want to become a woman on the inside, you shouldn’t do this thing. We’ll think of some way to keep us safe, but we’ll probably have to move from here in the future; and when the man finds out about us we’ll have to move more often, maybe several times a year.”

“What about my friends?”

“You won’t be able to have friends anymore, well not like you have here. It would be too dangerous.”

“Can’t I just keep dressing and living like Cindy the way I do now?”

“You could for several more years, but when puberty hits Ted, it will also hit you. You will become a handsome young man, but you will also become someone that doesn’t look like a Cindy. Honey, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. We love that you were able to become Cindy for as long as you have, but we would love you as Marcus as much as we love Cindy.”

“Can I think about it for a while?” I asked.

“Sweetheart, we want you to think about it. It’s a very big decision for an eleven year old girl to make.”

“May I go to my room now?”

“Of course.”

I walked to my room and felt six eyes follow my every move. The decision I had to make would affect us for the rest of our lives, not just mine, but also my brother’s and my parents’. I had a lot of thinking to do and wished I could ask Shannon what she would do, but knew that wasn’t possible because she didn’t know who Marcus was.

I closed the door to my room and sat on my bed taking my teddy bear and squeezed him to my chest, hugging him tightly.

It wasn’t fair for me to have to make a decision like this. I was only eleven years old. How was someone my age supposed to know what to do? Would I really want to become the girl Cindy was supposed to be? Why shouldn’t I become Marcus again? Did I want to become the boy I had volunteered to leave behind three years ago? Had I really changed as Ted had pointed out to me? Had I become that girl and not even realized it?

Would it really be that bad to become a girl? I had been living as one for three years and it hadn’t harmed me and to be honest with myself I liked the person I had become. Being a girl felt natural to me, and I had friends. Sure Ted had friends too, but there was a closeness I shared with Shannon and Alexis that Ted didn’t with his friends. Sure they hung together but that was all. My friends and I spent hours on the phone and shared every secret in our lives, with the exception of who Cindy really was. Did I want to give up that closeness? Even more importantly, did I want to stop being a girl? I had grown to like the little things Shannon and I did, playing with dolls and then turn right around and beat the boys at soccer. There were other things though I couldn’t measure about being a girl, things I didn’t want to give up. The special feelings when I put on a new dress for church or finding a bird with a broken wing and trying to set it to save its life and the tears when I failed and it died. The hugs Shannon and I shared with every special moment in our lives and the closeness when Mom would braid my hair or brush it at night.

If I were to become Marcus again how would I explain these special moments? Did I really want to swagger with Ted and his friends? I hated it when they would go off and shoot Juan’s BB gun at targets and then let the paper targets drift toward birds and chipmunks. I knew most young boys shot small animals when you lived in an area like Jackson, but I liked being able to say no when they asked me to go with them even better.

I didn’t think of my personality as being girlish, but as I thought about it I was wrong. I had become the girl Cindy was supposed to be and I loved who I was. If I went through with Cindy’s puberty I would no longer have to hide the Marcus I had left behind because there would no longer be a Marcus.

Then I thought of something else, what would happen to Ted’s and my relationship? We’ve remained close even with my subtle changes, still finishing a sentence one or the other of us had started. Would that change if I really became a girl? Would Ted still love me like he loved Marcus? He’s voiced his displeasure with Cindy on more than one occasion although he seems to have grown more accustomed with her over the last two years. I know in my heart what I want to do, but I want to talk to Ted first and if he wants a sister then I’ll become Cindy for real.

I woke the next morning still hugging my bear. I had changed into my nightie, hugged my bear tightly and fallen into a deep sleep. When I woke I remembered that I wanted to talk to Ted. I went to his room and shook him awake.

“Ted, Ted, wake up,” I whispered.

“Huh, what?”

“It’s me, I want to talk.”

“Can’t it wait? I’m tired.”

“No, I want to talk before Mom and Dad get up.”

“Okay, what do you want?”

“How would you feel if I really became Cindy?”

“You already are Cindy.”

“No, I mean for real? Wouldn’t you rather have Marcus around?”

Ted was silent for a half of a minute. I could see he was thinking.

“This is for real, isn’t it?”

“Yes and it’s important to me about how you would feel if Marcus never came back again.”

“You haven’t been Marcus for three years and I’ve grown kind of used to having Cindy around.”

“Do you miss Marcus?”

“Yes, but I like Cindy a lot too. I never thought I would say this, but I like having a sister. I miss Marcus and who we were, but I’ve grown to love my sister. Things haven’t really changed, we still play ball together, finish each other’s sentences and still have a special thing between us. I love you Cindy and remember what we talked about, you really have become a girl. If Mom cut all your hair off, you’d still be a girl. It’s the way you are now, the way you walk and talk. When you watch Shannon, does she look like a boy when she does things?”

“No.”

“You don’t either. You look just like her when you do things, except when you hit the baseball, then the old Marcus is back. If you decide to become Marcus again, I think I would miss Cindy as much as I missed Marcus when this whole thing started. I love you Sis and I’d hate to see you go.”

My eyes had filled with tears. I never thought my brother could make me feel the way I did, so full of love for my identical twin.

“I love you too,” I said, and then I did something I never would have done as Marcus, I hugged my brother.

I returned to my room and dressed for school. I still had a lot on my mind, but I think I had made the decision to remain Cindy. Walking to school with Shannon and our friends only cemented my choice of genders. I truly had become a girl.

I looked at my day in school in a different light enjoying the interaction with my friends. I had never really looked at what we did or talked about; we just did it as girls. Now I watched every move Shannon and Alexis made, listened to every word they said and realized I had become exactly like them. Boys were yucky, flowers were pretty and we still loved playing with our dolls. I was startled by the changes that had taken place in my life.

When I was Marcus I thought nothing of rolling in the dirt or running at the most inappropriate times. My brother and I were constantly being scolded about rowdy behavior but that was the life of a boy. Nothing was meant to be destructive, but at times I guess it was.

Now I didn’t like getting dirty. Oh you couldn’t help it when you played ball and it went with the territory. The same applied to soccer especially after a rain when we couldn’t help getting muddy. The only real change was I couldn’t wait to get home and take a shower and change my clothes. I no longer enjoyed being dirty.

The same could be said about talking with my girlfriends. When I was a boy we would talk about things, baseball or what was on TV, did you see my neat truck, things like that. Now when I talked with my friends we talked of how we felt. Loved that dress, I felt so special with it on. I was so sad after we lost our soccer game that I cried. I hugged my bear. I feel so special when Shannon and I talked. I knew I would never want to lose that feeling and knew deep in my heart I was a girl.

At dinner that night I made my choice known to my family.

“Mom, Dad, I know what I want to do about Cindy,” I said.

“And what’s that?” Mom asked.

“I want to be her forever. I don’t want to be Marcus anymore.”

“Do you know what you’re saying?”

“Yes, and I thought about it all night, except when I slept.”

“Can you tell me why you want to remain Cindy?” Mom asked.

“Because that’s who I am now. You and Dad love me, Ted loves me and I think my best friends love me and most important I love myself.”

“You’ll never be able to become Marcus again, how do you feel about that?”

“Marcus was who I was until three years ago, until I met Cindy. I love being Cindy and I love who she is. I never want to lose her, Mom. Please let me do this thing. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t really become her.”

Mom sat quietly for a minute before tears filled her eyes.

“I love you, Baby,” she said and pulled me into an embrace.

Dad smiled and Ted, well Ted stuck his tongue out at me. I guess some things never change except I knew he was doing it in fun. I could feel his love toward me, isn’t that what twins do?

Dad called Agent Groves on his cell and informed him of our decision, well actually my decision and asked when treatment would start. Agent Groves said he and Agent Martinez would like to have another meeting tomorrow night. Everything would be explained then.

At seven o’clock sharp, Agents Groves and Martinez arrived. Dad opened the door when he heard the knock.

“Back so soon?” Dad asked with a chuckle.

“You called us,” Agent Groves answered, with little humor in his voice.

“Don’t mind Tom, he’s been a pain the ass all day,” Agent Martinez laughed.

“Yeah well, my wife was less than thrilled that I would be working up here again tonight. It’s our anniversary and she wanted dinner out with me and not the kids.”

“Sorry for the inconvenience,” Dad said.

Dad led the Agents into the living room and had them sit facing us on the sofa.

“I guess we all know why we’re all here?” Agent Groves said, stating the obvious. “Since you’ve made the decision to continue in witness protection we thought it best to explain what will happen next. I’ll let Sandra explain the next step. She’s much better than me with the meds.”

“Meds?” I asked.

“Medicine, Honey,” Mom said.

“Thank you. I’ll speak mainly to Cindy but if any of you have any questions whatsoever feel free to interrupt.

Cindy, what we’re talking about is hormones, hormones that will make you become a woman. You know what puberty is, don’t you?”

“Yes, it’s when you become a man or woman.”

“That’s correct and because of your situation we want to be sure this is what you want. If your answer is yes then after school ends for the year we will be taking you to Stanford Hospital in Palo Alto for tests and, after you’ve been analyzed, you will be given a time release implant under your skin that will last about six months before another is implanted. It will have the same amount of hormones as a girl your age would have naturally. Most of your development will take about three years and then it will be another five or six years before you complete your journey. After that, you will be put on a mild dose of hormones to keep you feminine and unfortunately you will have to take them the rest of your life. When you’re fourteen you will be given an operation to make you complete. You will be a woman in every way with the exception being able to bear children but you will be able to adopt if you so choose. Do you have any questions so far?”

“No, well maybe one, will I still be able to play baseball?”

“You will but you are going to find out that your strength will be less than your brothers and you might consider playing on a girl’s team instead. I’ll be honest with you Cindy; hormones will create changes in your body and brain that might change your whole outlook with regards to sports. Your parents told us you’ve agreed to continue in the witness protection program, but we need to be absolutely sure it’s what you want? Once you start, there will be no turning back. Are you absolutely sure you want to become a woman?”

“Yes, it’s what I want. I thought about it last night and after talking to my brother and parents it’s what I want to do. I knew what I wanted after spending three years as a girl, but I had to be sure my brother would accept me. We’re identical twins but after the treatments we won’t be. Well we will, but in a way we won’t, but he told me he loved me as Cindy and said he would miss me if I decided to be Marcus again. I really don’t want to be a boy again so I would really like it if we could start my new puberty.”

“Then it’s done. I’ll make arrangements with the hospital for the end of June. Welcome to my world, Cindy.”

Chapter Eight

It was a month until school ended and another two weeks before we left for Stanford. I would have to explain my absence to Shannon. We were sitting in her room doing homework after school one day and it was our quiet time when we talked about our lives. I knew everything in her life, and she knew mine with the exception of the witness program.

“I’m going on vacation for a week when school ends,” I mentioned to her.

“Where are you going?”

“Down to around San Francisco, I think?”

“I’ve been there before. Mom and Dad brought us there for the weekend. It was fun.”

“I’ll miss you when I’m gone. I wish you could come with us.”

“Me too. How long are you going to be gone?”

“I don’t know, maybe a week.”

“That’s not too long. Let me know if you see any nice clothes.”

“I will.”

Shannon would have never asked me to look at clothes a year ago and I could tell she was changing. She was still a tomboy, but there was a softer side to her. She was becoming a woman and her interests were changing, slowly, but it was happening. I wondered if I would be going through similar changes after my visit to Stanford? Only time would tell.

During the next month and a half, the changes I saw in Shannon were startling. She had begun to bud and things we had always done together didn’t seem to interest her anymore. The dolls had found new homes on her shelves and she seemed more interested reading Teen magazine than playing with dolls. I had long ago become fascinated with my Barbies realizing I would become like her one day. Marcus had truly left my life. One thing hadn’t changed though, Shannon’s love for soccer. As much as I loved baseball, I had taken to practicing soccer skills with her almost every day.

“I want a scholarship and if we’re good enough we’ll both get one,” she said as she one touched a pass back to me.

I was almost as good as she was and with more practice we would be an unbeatable team, Shannon and Cindy Super girls.

I no longer thought of myself as being a boy. The changes had been subtle but they came. It took about two years before I stopped thinking about Marcus. I was now Cindy and as I thought about it nothing had really changed much. Sure I wore a skirt or dress once in a while, but everything else remained the same. I played ball and spent time with my friends, girls now rather than boys, but my body still was that of Marcus’s. My movements were now feminine, hanging out with girls everyday will do that, even to the most boyish boy, but even though I didn’t think of Marcus, there wasn’t anything I did that he wouldn’t have done other than playing with dolls. Ted even played some of the girl’s games we did and he didn’t suddenly turn in to a girl so my life was pretty much the same as it always was. That was about to change.

I fell asleep on our drive to Stanford. It only took three hours, but I slept for most of it. Normally I would talk to Ted, but this trip we made without him. Juan and his family were going camping near Silver Lake and asked if he would like to join them? It was a big decision for him to make, camping or sitting around a hospital for a few days, camping? Hospital? I guess we all know which won? When the car stopped moving the changed motion woke me from my slumber.

“We’re here Honey,” Mom said.

I looked around and saw we were in a parking lot next to several buildings. The signs said Stanford Hospital.

I blinked to clear the sleep from my eyes, sat up and straightened my skirt. Mom had thought it best if I looked a little like a girl when we arrived so there would be no mistake when people other than the medical staff saw me. Ted and I still looked too much alike and she felt it best if I was viewed as a girl rather than a boy in girl’s jeans.

We looked at the map in a display case near the exit of the parking lot and determined that Dad had lucked out and parked the car only three buildings away from where we wanted to be.

The buildings were glass and concrete structures two or three stories tall and looked inviting. Stanford’s medical clinic is known as one of the best in the world and being able to come here and have the FBI pay the bill was something Dad couldn’t help liking.

We entered the lobby of building 376e and walked to the reception desk. A guard was waiting for us to sign in. I thought it was special, but everyone that wanted to pass his desk did the same. So much for feeling special.

“We have an appointment,” Dad said.

“Name?”

“Cindy Crane.”

The guard typed my name into the computer and watched the monitor. His eyes opened a bit more than usual but didn’t betray his thoughts.

“Your appointment is in room 384, special projects. When you arrive, ring the bell button next to the door and you will be let in. The elevator is to my left and you’ll want the third floor. You’ll need these identity cards, which were supplied by whom ever, has arranged for this visit. Good luck.”

The three of us were handed identity cards on a long strap and we placed them over our heads and let them rest on our chests. We found the elevators and Dad pushed the up button. There were four elevators in the lobby and one opened immediately when the button was pushed.

The elevator car was roomy; the floors were granite and the walls expensive birds eye maple with matching grain. It was obvious money wasn’t an issue with regard to the building.

Exiting on three, we looked at the walls on each side of the lobby. The signs on the east wall read 300-350, and the west wall read 351-399. We walked to the west corridor and turned right toward the higher numbers. Arriving at 384 Dad pushed the button next to the door. We didn’t hear a sound, so he pushed the button again. Once again there was no sound.

“Damn,” Dad swore, “The least they could have is a doorbell that worked.”

The door had the number 384 on it, but under the numbers was a sign that read No Admittance Authorized Personal Only.

The door opened and we were greeted by Agent Martinez.

“Mr. and Mrs. Crane, Cindy, nice to see you again, come in.”

“Nice to see you too, Agent Martinez,” Dad replied and led us into the room.

The corridor leading to 384 was spartan in appearance, white walls, white acoustic ceiling, fluorescent fixtures, and a high-end beige industrial carpet. The lobby of the room we entered was like WOW. The walls were painted a soft blue color with white crown molding around the room. Light fixtures hung on two cables stretched from one side of the room to the other. Light shone on the many paintings hung on all four walls. The furnishings were leather and wood. You could tell everything was expensive.

“Have a seat. I’ll let the doctor know you’re here,” she said and walked from the room through a door with a glass panel that had rice paper between the two lights of glass. The frame was walnut. We sat and waited for less than a minute before the door opened again. A woman who looked to be just over thirty entered the room and walked briskly toward Dad.

Holding out her hand she said, “Mr. and Mrs. Crane, I’m Dr. Sheila Livingston and I’ll be the person treating Cindy during her stay with us, and this must be Cindy?” she asked, turning to face me.

“Yes,” I blushed.

“No need to feel shy, Cindy, we’ll become friends in almost no time at all. Most of what we do here won’t hurt a bit, and what little does, won’t bother a strong girl like you. Why don’t we go back into my office and chat a bit and then we’ll get Cindy checked in to the clinic? Her room will be here so she won’t be having any interaction with other patients but since she will only be here for three days she won’t miss out on much.”

We walked to Dr. Livingston’s office and it was as opulent as the lobby. The only difference was the presence of her desk near an outside window. There were three chairs in front of her desk.

“Cindy, why don’t you sit here,” pointing to the middle chair, “and your mother and father can sit on each side of you.”

We sat and looked at Dr. Livingston waiting for her to continue.

“Now, we all know Cindy is here to start her hormone course and it is one that will continue for the rest of her life because she doesn’t have the right plumbing to produce the proper hormones herself. After puberty is complete, she will go on maintenance so she will always have her feminine appearance. During the initial process she will have to be monitored every six months, which can be done when she returns for her appointment. The unfortunate part of that is you will have to return here for tests every time the implant is replaced. Cindy will become a test subject for us and with her help we might be able to recommend hormone therapy to younger individuals rather than waiting for them to mature into someone they don’t want to be. Do you have any questions so far?”

“You mentioned an implant?” Mom asked.

“Yes, what we propose is inserting an hormonal implant in Cindy’s arm rather than having her take pills and injections during the maturation process. The implant will allow the hormones to go directly into her circulatory system rather than having to be digested and possibly do harm to her liver. An important side effect is that the hormones will be released all the time without having a jump with each dose.”

“Will it hurt her?”

“Just a little when we implant it. After she has it for a while, she’ll forget it’s even there,” she said, pointing at my arm.

Dr. Livingston had a kind face and lovely voice, but her bedside manner needed some repair. I was beginning to feel like an apple or orange rather than a girl who had come to her for help. The way she expressed herself was so impersonal, almost like discussing the rebuild of a car. I guess she didn’t want to become attached to her special patients, but I missed the care I received from my old doctor.

“What will happen after the implant?” Mom asked.

“The first noticeable change will be growth. Cindy will start to grow to her adult height.”

“How tall will she be? My husband is six-two and I kind of thought Ted and, well, Marcus would be taller than him?”

“Fortunately or unfortunately in Cindy’s case it doesn’t work that way. To be perfectly honest with you we have no idea of how tall she will be. You’re quite short, I’m guessing around five foot-one, but we have no idea of what part of your gene pool was passed on to Cindy, and we still have no idea of what the estrogen will do to that pool. The gene you passed on could have been one that will stop her growth at five-one or you might have passed on something altogether different. Only time will give us that answer.”

“She won’t be a six foot woman, will she?”

“I can’t answer that question. Hormones are something we know much about, but not everything, like how her height will be selected and other things that might be influenced by puberty. We can’t even be sure what genes you passed during conception. The height gene you passed could have come from your father or grandfather, or your mother for that matter, and until Cindy has completed her journey we won’t know.”

“If her brother grows to be six foot three, will she also?”

“As I stated, we won’t know until her journey is finished and that’s why Stanford is taking a very large interest in Cindy. We get to make a case study on the impact hormones make in a child Cindy’s age and the effect on her genes. We also want to study the effect they might have on her mental health. If she didn’t want to become a girl and she suddenly changed her mind with the introduction of hormones it would be something we would want to pursue a study about.”

“When will you be implanting the hormones?”

“Today, if you’d like. She will have to remain here for several days to be sure the implant is providing the proper dose and she will also have her first mental examination. You will have to return every six months to replace the hormones and she will also have her mental examination at the same time. I know this sounds rather cold, but it won’t be after we get started. I’m sure Cindy will become fond of her new adventure and we will become friends.”

I listened to every word as Mom and the doctor laid out the rest of my life. Did I really want what was going to happen to me? I couldn’t be sure but I had to admit I liked being a girl. If you had asked me that three years ago I would have thought you were nuts, me a girl and liking it, not hardly.

“Cindy, you’ve heard what we’ve said. Are you ready for your first implant?”

“I guess,” I answered with trepidation.

“Good, the sooner the better,” the doctor said. “Come with me and we’ll give you a physical, your implant and get you settled in your room. Mrs. Crane, will you come with us?”

Mom joined me and we were led to a small room where the exam would take place. I had had physicals before, but this one was so much more thorough than the ones for school. I was measured and poked, felt in places no one but me should touch and finally we were finished.

“I have to draw Cindy’s blood so we have a base line to compare the hormones to and then I’ll implant the hormone.”

“Ouch,” I exclaimed when the lab technician stuck the needle in my arm for the blood. She took five vials and labeled them.

“This won’t take long Cindy, maybe a half of an hour and then I’ll do the implant. Would you like to read anything while I’m gone?” the doctor asked.

“May I read the TEEN magazine?” I asked, noticing the headline about how to apply makeup. Since I was going to become a real girl I might as well learn things my mother hadn’t taught me yet.

“The half of an hour…..” became forty minutes and every one of them felt like an hour long before the doctor returned to my room with a syringe.

“Your blood work is normal, Cindy and now your big moment has arrived. It’s time for you to become a young lady.”

I looked at the needle and wondered if I was doing the right thing. Oh, I wanted the implant, but I didn’t realize just how big the needle would be. The doctor saw the look of concern on my face and smiled.

“Don’t worry sweetheart, it will only hurt for a second and then it will be all over with.”

The nurse swabbed the inside of my upper arm with alcohol or whatever they use and stepped back allowing the doctor to take my arm in her hand.

“Look the other way sweetie,” she said.

I did and the sneak pushed the needle in my arm. It felt like she drove a truck into it, I shrieked in pain. I vowed I wouldn’t cry, after all little boys don’t cry, but damn it I’m not a little boy anymore so the tears escaped my eyes.

After the pain passed I was led to my room. I still had the hospital gown on and wondered if I would have to wear it the whole time I was at Stanford.

“Nurse, will I have to wear this all the time?” pointing at the gown.

“No, Cindy, you can change into civilian duds if you like. Think of this as more of a vacation than a hospital stay. You won’t be needed until tomorrow morning for your mental exam and after that we’ll keep you here for another two days for blood work. After that you can go home.”

Mom and Dad spent the rest of the day with me and brought me out to dinner in nearby Palo Alto. The food was incredible and I know I ate too much. Mom warned me that I would have to watch what I ate now that I was going to go through puberty. Girls she explained gain weight more easily than boys, which made Dad laugh.

“What’s so funny?” I asked defensively.

“I get to eat all I want and you’ll turn into a hippo if you do,” he laughed.

“Maybe not,” I responded. I think Dad had one too many cocktails.

“We’ll see.”

“Honey, you and I will watch our weight together. Let the men make pigs of themselves.”

“Thanks Mom.”

Mom and Dad were staying at a nearby hotel so they brought me back to the hospital and checked me back in. I spent a few hours watching TV and then went to bed. I know I had weird dreams but I couldn’t remember any of them.

The nurse woke me at eight with breakfast.

“Good morning sweetheart, ready for another boring day?” she asked, with a chuckle.

“Yes I guess. I wish I could go home. I miss my friends.”

“It will just be a few more days and today is the only one that you’ll have to be here all day. Tomorrow you can go with your parents after we draw some blood and you’ll be going home the day after that.”

“Thank God.”

I ate my breakfast and dressed. At least I didn’t have to wear that horrible gown the hospital provides but then why would I? The only thing I’m here for is the implant and I already had that. I wondered about today, what would I be tested for now?

I was brought to a small office that looked more like a living room than an office. A woman about thirty-five years old greeted me. She had dark hair and a nice smile. Her voice was pleasant when she spoke.

“Good morning Cindy, I’m Dr. Montgomery, but you can call me Anne.”

“Good morning, Anne.”

“Do you know why you’re here today?”

“No.”

“I’ve been asked to talk to you about how your life has been going since you became a girl. Would that be okay with you?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sure you’re wondering how I know you were once a boy. I work with the FBI and the witness protection group and especially children to be sure they’re adapting to their new identities. Yours is the first that I’ve had that included a change of sex so we’ll be doing this together and hopefully you will help me as much as I want to help you.”

“I hope so too.”

“Let’s get started. You’ve been a girl now for what, four years now?”

“I think that’s about right.”

“When this all started, why did you decide to be the one to become the girl?”

“Some one had to, so I volunteered.”

“But why you? Did you want to become a girl?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“Because I knew Ted wouldn’t do it.”

“Why wouldn’t he?”

“Because we’re different. Sure we’re identical twins but we’re not exactly the same. When I was Marcus I would do things without thinking about what the result might be. Jump in and take the consequences. Ted, well…, he was Grady then, was different. He thought things through and sometimes couldn’t make a decision and I knew that’s the way it would be when we were asked to choose who would be a girl. Grady would still be thinking about what to do.”

“So you did this to be a hero?”

“No, I did it because someone had to and I was strong enough to do it.”

“And how do you feel about your decision?”

“I don’t mind. I kind of think of myself as a girl now.”

“Do you like being a girl?”

“Yes, very much.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s not having to prove something all the time.”

“Prove something?”

“Yes. I remember when I was Marcus, I was always trying to prove I was better than Grady. I’m sorry, but it’s easier for me to call Ted, Grady, when we were living in New Jersey and Ted since I became Cindy. At the time I thought we were just goofing around, but one of us always had to win. I was faster or he was faster, I could hit the ball better than him or he would hit better than me. Now I don’t really care. Some days I hit a baseball better than Ted but it doesn’t matter to me. I love the game and not so much showing him up. I still tease him though if I do better,” I giggled.

“I’m surprised because you’re still twins only you’ve begun to travel a different road.”

“I still feel pretty much the same as when I was a boy, it’s just that I feel different at times. Grady and I still wrestle but I don’t seem to like it as much as I once did. I didn’t think things would change when we started this, but now I like wearing dresses and being a girl at times. My best friend Shannon says I’m too girly at times, but I like being that way. When I dress for church I feel pretty, I feel special. It’s different for boys. They wear a suit, but would rather be wearing jeans and a T-shirt. They still mess around, pushing and shoving each other running here and there not caring if they get dirty. When I’m dressed for church I’m usually wearing white hose and white shoes and a dress with lacy fringe around the top and bottom. I hate it when Grady touches me because I don’t want his finger prints on my clothes.”

“Maybe you would have been the same even if you didn’t become a girl.”

“No way. I would have been worse than Ted. I would have been dirtier and would have pushed harder. That’s the way I was.”

“What made you change?”

“I’m not sure? I know being a girl had something to do with it. For some reason, I didn’t feel I had to prove something. Shannon opened my eyes to that. I remember when we first started playing soccer together, even though I was supposed to be a girl, I played like a boy. I wanted to kick the ball harder and farther than her and, try as I may, I couldn’t do it. She could see the look in my eyes, the pissed off little boy look. She asked what my problem was and I admitted to wanting to beat her. Why she had asked? That’s the way it was with Ted and me, I said. She took my hands and said, “girls don’t act that way”. We help each other. Do you know why I kicked the ball farther than you? I told her I didn’t. Because you’re doing it all wrong and she proceeded to show me the right way to kick the ball. After that moment, I listened to what people told me and didn’t worry about being better than them. I liked the way I felt and made me wonder if maybe I wanted to be a girl for other reasons than hiding from the mob.”

“Other reasons?”

“Yes. When this started, I was trained to act like a girl and succeeded, even fooling Shannon. It was all an act, but as I spent time with Shannon things changed. I liked being a girl, and as time progressed being a girl became second nature. I saw the way Ted and the other boys acted and I just couldn’t bring myself to be like them. Now I have two very close girlfriends, Shannon and Alexis. We do everything together and tell each other our closest secrets. They’re secrets only girls tell each other. I know Ted doesn’t say things I do. We’re still brothers, well, brother and sister and even we don’t have secrets like Shannon and Alexis and I do. To be honest with you, I’m glad I’m going to become a woman. I don’t think Ted knows what he’s missing, not that he’d want to know.”

“I must say Cindy, you seem very well adjusted to what you’re going through.”

“Truth?”

“Truth.”

“When this started, I thought I would hate it. Every day during training I would tell myself it was for the family. Mom, Dad, and Grady would die if I didn’t finish what I started. I hated the clothes and what they were doing with my hair and most of all I hated looking like a girl. It was after we moved and I met Shannon that I changed. We became best friends and I discovered she was more of a boy than I was. She was faster and stronger and yet she could be a girl and play with dolls. That’s when I started to be myself. I looked like a girl and as time went by I acted like a girl. Even though Shannon is a tomboy she still moved like a girl and I was soon moving just like her. If I was still a boy and moved the way I do now, I’m sure I would have the crap beaten out of me. Guys don’t like boys that act like girls.”

“I guess they don’t, or so I’ve heard. Let’s talk a little more about what you expect to happen from now on.”

“What I expect?”

“Yes, you have an implant that will make you become a woman if you don’t change your mind. You can still go back to being a boy at this point if that’s your wish.”

“I don’t want to. My girlfriends and I are excited about what we’re going to go through.”

“Do they know you’re a boy?”

“No.”

“Well, I’m sure they will never find out unless you tell them.”

“I’d never do that. I’m a girl already and I hope they never find out who I was.”

“You’ll be safe, Cindy. You’re going to be a very pretty woman which brings us to another problem.”

“What’s that?”

“Boys. How do you feel about boys?”

”Boys?”

“Yes, boys, you know those funny little things that seem to bother girls your age?”

“They don’t really bother me that much, but maybe because I was born a boy and I know how they are.”

“I notice you said how they are. What do you mean by that?”

“I’m a girl now but I remember how I felt when I was a boy. Girls were things to be teased, but now that I’m a girl, I don’t understand why boys do what they do.”

“What do they do?”

“Make fools of themselves.”

“I see. You know your feelings about boys will most likely change as you continue down the road you’re on. Boys aren’t going to seem so foolish, but only time will tell about that. Don’t be surprised if you come to see me and can’t stop talking about some boy that makes your stomach feel as though it’s full of butterflies.”

“Eeew, no way.”

Anne smiled a funny smile when I said that.

“I remember when I was your age and felt the same way. Boys were the creatures from the swamp and smelled just as bad. I think my girlfriends and I must have used the ‘eeew’ word as often as any other word in the dictionary. By the time I was fourteen, they were no longer swamp things but something else, and I’ll leave it at that. What I’m saying is that your hormones will do many wonderful things to you and not all of it will be noticeable. I think this will be enough for today, but I’d like to see you again next time you come in for your hormone replacement. You’re a lovely girl Cindy and I think you’ll do fine with what you’re going through.”

“Thank you Anne.”

I left the doctors office and went back to the waiting room to find my parents and go home. It had been a long several days and I could hardly wait to see Shannon and Alexis.

Chapter Nine

As soon as we entered the house, I brought my things to my room, put everything away and announced I was going over to Shannon’s.

“It’s almost dinner time, so don’t be too long,” Mom said.

“Yes Mom.”

I had changed into shorts and a sleeveless blouse and the warm summer air felt good against my skin. I was dying to find out everything that happened since I was gone. At that moment I realized just how much of a girl I had become. Boys would race to see their friends and play another game of ball not caring what happened to anyone else unless a boy was to get into a fight and all that mattered was who won. We girls were different. We had to know what each other did every second from the time we left until we returned. Who got new clothes and who was angry with whomever and such and such liked some boy now. It would take hours to learn everything I had missed in a few days.

Shannon hugged me when she opened the door.

“God girlfriend, I missed you,” she screamed.

“I missed you too. What did I miss? Tell me everything.”

And she did. Shannon showed me her new cell phone and called Alexis, placing the call on speaker so we could all tell each other everything we had done the previous days. We giggled and acted like typical eleven-year-old girls. The world was right again.

The next few weeks went by without incident. The hormones didn’t make me grow boobs overnight, nor did they make my ass bigger. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel any changes at all. However, after about a month, I did feel something, my legs hurt.

“Mom,” I said, several days after I noticed the pain. “My legs hurt.”

“Show me where?”

“Right here,” I answered pointing to my calves.

“Did you fall and bruise yourself?”

“No, they just kind of ache.”

“Both legs?”

“Yes.”

“It sounds to me like growing pains. Pain like that usually indicates you’re beginning to grow.”

“Has Ted begun to grow too?”

“He hasn’t said anything, but girls usually start to grow taller before boys do.”

“I’m going to be taller than Ted?”

“Until he begins to grow and then we’ll see.”

“God I so love this. I’ll be able to beat him up.” I laughed.

“None of that, young lady. There’ll be no beating anyone up, especially your brother.”

“Yes Mom.”

Over the next months we found Mom was right, they were growing pains. I grew like a weed, Mom’s words. I added to my height about an inch a month. I had started at four foot six and by the time school started I was four foot eight.

I still was playing baseball and seemed to get better as I grew. Shannon and I practiced soccer almost every day and my skills were improving to the extent that I was almost as good as Shannon. Oh, by the way, Shannon is starting to grow breasts. She first noticed when we were playing a friendly game of soccer and the ball was kicked into her chest. You’d have thought someone had shot her from the scream she let out.

“My God Cindy, my chest,” she moaned as tears filled her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“My nipple hurts.”

Shannon and I have been best friends for three years and she had never complained about pain when she was trapping the ball with her chest or any other part of her body. What could be different now?

I looked at her chest and noticed her nipples were pushing her shirt out more than usual, and not just the one that had been struck by the ball.

“Shannon, your chest looks swollen.”

“It’s not, my nipples are just pushing it out.”

“They never did that before.”

“They always do that when it’s cold.”

“Shannon, it’s ninety degrees. You’d better have your mother look at them,” I said.

Her mother did and the next day Shannon was the proud wearer of a brand new training bra. She could hardly wait to tell me she was growing breasts.

Well guess what? I didn’t start to grow breasts despite what I thought with the hormones and all. Yep, I was still growing like a weed and had Ted by four inches. He was not happy that his sister was now beginning to tower over him. I was still on the all-stars baseball team and we were going to play in the championship game in October. As much as I loved baseball, I would be glad to see the season end. Playing two sports at the same time, soccer and baseball was becoming too much for me. Luckily we only practiced soccer twice a week and Dad being the baseball coach cut me some slack as far as practice was concerned. By the way, I’m now the fastest runner on the team. I think all my growth has gone to my legs because I seem to be running faster than before. Poor Ted hates that I can easily beat him now when we race.

Good news, we won the championship games, two out of three. I pitched and hit a home run in one game and hit almost five hundred for the tournament. My growth spurt has made me a better player.

Soccer is also going well. Shannon and I are on the same team, but this year Alexis was drafted by another coach so the three of us are no longer playing together. AYSO is like that. At least we’ll be together when the select season starts. I forgot, Alexis is also wearing a bra, God I wonder how much longer it will be before I wear one too?

I think the hormones are affecting my brain. When school started, we had a new addition to our class, twins, identical boys from Minnesota. Unlike Ted and I they have blonde hair and blue eyes. Even though Ted and I are identical, we obviously can’t say anything, and beside who would believe us now. I’m four inches taller than Ted and all he does is whine that he hasn’t started growing.

Ted and his friends hang with Anders and Erik being boys and all and they seem to be nice enough, for boys. Who’d have thought something like that would come out of my mouth?

I’m still growing and it’s November. I go back to Stanford for a new implant next month and I’ll have to ask the doctor why I’m not growing breasts yet. Both Shannon and Alexis have graduated to real bras and it’s obvious why, they look like curvy girls and I still look like a beanpole.

Shannon’s growth seems to have slowed while mine is full steam ahead. Her mother is only five two so she probably won’t be much taller than that. My mom is only five one, but I have a feeling I’ll be passing her any day. I’m only about an inch shorter than her now, but still skinny.

Shannon and my soccer team haven’t lost a game yet. I play right wing and she plays striker in the middle. I’ve learned to use my left foot almost as well as my right so coach has mentioned that he might play me on the left for the rest of the season. I think I mentioned that Shannon was a faster runner than me and she was until lately. I don’t know if she’s slowing or I’m just running faster what with my long legs and all. It could be too that Shannon is not quite as fast now that she’s definitely getting some shape.

“Cindy, did you notice Darren staring at me today?” she asked, as we walked home from school.

“Yeah, I kind of did. It was pretty obvious,” I giggled.

“Why?”

“Come on Shannon, he likes you. You’re very pretty so why wouldn’t he notice?”

“I don’t know? It’s kind of creepy but I liked it.”

“I’m not sure how I would feel if a boy stared at me. Boys kind of creep me out. All they are is rude and dirty, yuk.”

“You must like someone?”

“Not really. Boys are boys and I live with one so I know how they can be.”

“Ted? He’s cute and all the girls have a crush on him, even me,” she blushed.

“Ted, Ewww.”

“Come on Cindy, I wouldn’t expect you to crush on Ted, after all he’s your brother, but even you have to admit he’s cute.”

“Shannon, I don’t think any boy is cute, especially my brother. I think you’d better have your eyes checked.”

We started laughing at that and realized why I love Shannon so much; we shared everything, even her crush on my brother.

“I don’t know if I should say anything because I promised not to, but Katie told me Anders, one of the twins, was asking about you.”

“Anders? Why would he ask about me?”

“Because you’re the prettiest girl in school.”

“No I’m not.”

“You are Cindy. I think you’re the only one not to know it. You’re so wrapped up in your sports that you haven’t looked in the mirror lately. You’re beautiful.”

“I’m not.”

“You are Cindy, you just don’t see it.”

We reached our homes and Shannon followed me into our house. It was our custom to go to each other’s homes after school and study, gossip and drink a soda or juice. Today was my turn and tomorrow would be hers. I personally liked going to her house better because her mother makes the most awesome chocolate chip cookies and I don’t gain an ounce of fat when I eat them.

“What do you want to drink?” I asked Shannon.

“I’ll have some of that apple juice your mom bought from the roadside fruit stand when we were on our way back from soccer.”

“That sounds good, I will too.”

I walked to the refrigerator and took out the gallon container of juice and poured two glasses full of the juice. It was the best apple juice I had ever had to drink. It was unfiltered and kind of cloudy but oh so sweet. I put the juice away and we continued our discussion.

“Was Anders really asking about me?” I asked, wondering why I would ask a question like that.

“He really was. I think he has a crush on you. Do you like him?”

I felt my face turn red as I blushed at the thought of some boy liking me.

“I don’t know. I really hadn’t thought about a boy liking me.”

”But do you like him? It’s funny but I’ve started feeling differently about boys. Were still only eleven and I’m sure my mother wouldn’t let me go to a movie with a boy, but, I don’t know, I just feel different.”

“I think I know what you mean, boys don’t seem so yucky anymore. They still do the same things and seem so immature at times but for some reason it doesn’t bother me as much as it did.”

“Oh well enough of the boys. We’d better do our homework or our grades might suffer. If I get so much as one B my parents will kill me,” Shannon laughed.

Chapter Ten

It was the middle of December and time to return to Stanford for another implant. The only thing I had noticed since my first implant was my growth. I was now a quarter of an inch over five foot. Mom was five one so I guess I’ll be passing her by in a month or two and Dad will be the only one taller than me. I wish I was growing somewhere else though. Half of the girls in my class were wearing bras now and I hadn’t even started to grow there. I hope the hormones weren’t going to make me tall and skinny with no shape. If that were the case, when I turn fourteen and they want to make me a complete girl, I might not do it. Who wants to be a girl that looks like a boy?

We were leaving Saturday morning for the Bay area as my appointment was for one PM and it only takes three hour to drive to the hospital. I packed a skirt and blouse for later and decided to wear a pair of white shorts for the trip to Stanford. I might add that as of late my clothes seemed to have gotten a little tight around my hips but looking in the mirror I still looked as boney as ever. I hadn’t worn the shorts I picked since before my hormone treatments started and although they were a little tight at that time I thought they would still fit. I pulled them up my legs and noticed they were difficult to slid over my hips. After they slid into place, I tried to button the top button. After a minute of grunting and hopping from one foot to the other I finally got the button fastened above my hipbone. The zipper was a different story. There was no way it would slide more than two inches closed.

“Mom,” I yelled out my door. “I need help.”

Mom entered my room and asked, “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I can’t zip up my shorts.”

Mom looked at me and snickered.

“My, my, it looks like you’re getting hips. Try laying on your back on the bed and see if that will work?”

I did as she asked and was barely able to close the zipper. I felt like I was being squeezed to death.

“Mom, my shorts will tear if I sit up,” I lamented. They also showed something a little girl shouldn’t have.

“Honey, change into your jeans. You’ve grown out of those shorts and we’ll have to go shopping for new clothes. You’re becoming a young woman.”

I changed out of my shorts and into my jeans. Even those were becoming increasingly tight. The change had been so gradual I hadn’t noticed it. I just wish I had some change on my chest, oh well.

My visit to the hospital was much easier this time. My appointment was at one in the afternoon and was brought right in to see my doctor.

“Hello Cindy, how are you feeling?” Dr. Livingston asked, when she entered the room.

“Umm, okay.”

“You look as though you’ve had a growth spurt. Why don’t you step on the scale and I’ll measure your height.”

I stepped on the scale and Dr. Livingston pulled the measuring pole up and extended the rod to touch my head.

“My you have grown, you’re almost five one. Have you been eating properly? You only weigh ninety two pounds.”

“I eat all the time.”

“I guess you’re going to be one of those girls who don’t gain a pound, you’re lucky. Let me take some measurements and then we’ll take some blood.”

The doctor measured me everywhere, my neck and chest, waist, hips, thighs, calves, and feet. Lastly she measured my arms. When she was done she brought over the dreaded needle to take blood samples.

“Relax for a few minutes and you can get dressed. I’m going to send these to the laboratory to make sure your hormones are balanced and then I’ll insert your implant. Do you have any questions for me?”

“Umm, well I was wondering, when will I grow breasts? My girlfriends are already wearing bras and I still don’t have anything on my chest.”

Dr. Livingston smiled; wow, I didn’t know she could do that.

“Cindy every girl goes through puberty differently. Some grow breasts first thing; I’m sure you have friends that look like they’re too young because of their height to have breasts. Those are usually the girls that won’t grow tall, some being less than five feet. In your case, you’ll be one of the tall girls. All your energy is going toward your height but don’t worry, when your growth slows you’ll start developing elsewhere. Puberty is a slow long-term process. Nothing happens overnight and I can’t tell you when you’ll start other development. Have you noticed that your hips are growing?”

“Yes, I had to change my clothes because my shorts were too tight.”

“That’s your pelvis growing. Girls and boys have different skeletons and yours is developing like a girl should. The reason your pelvis is growing is that your body is readying itself for childbirth.”

For some reason my eyes filled with tears when she said that.

“But I won’t be able to have babies,” I sniffed.

“No you won’t, but your body doesn’t know that. When the time comes, you’ll be able to adopt the perfect little baby you want. I’ll be right back.”

The doctor left the room and I dressed and waited for her return. The time alone gave me time to think about why I had almost started to cry. My girlfriends and I had talked about having babies when we got older; girls do that sort of thing. I knew I was still a boy, but even boys were able to have babies of their own even though it was the mother that carried the baby until it was born. I would never be able to do what the other girls did, carry a baby in my body. If I decide to become a complete girl I won’t even be able to be a father. Was that something I wanted? I had grown to love being a girl, but did I love it enough to want to become a woman?

This whole thing started as part of witness protection and I volunteered to look like a girl until the danger had passed. I thought it would be for a few years and I could return to being Marcus. How hard would it be to wear a dress every now and then? I said I would do it and I never go back on my word so I started to live as Cindy. I really don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t what I thought. At first I thought I would be a girl only part time, you know only when I was seen in public but was told that wouldn’t work. I had to be a girl all the time. Hey, I’m a tough guy and I can handle that, what could possibly happen?

Shannon, that’s what. She obviously thought I was a girl and was moving in across the street from her, which meant instant best friend. She was right and we bonded from the very first day. Shannon isn’t a girly girl, nor am I, which made being a girl much easier for me. Knowing nothing about being a girl other than what my handlers had taught me made me seem like I had been raised in a cave as far as Shannon was concerned. Why didn’t I have a special bear? Shannon gifted me one of hers and now I love my bear to pieces. It took a year of being around Shannon before I started to change. I no longer thought of myself as being a boy, but her best girlfriend. I knew I was still Marcus under my long hair and clothing; I was reminded every night when I went to bed and saw my boy parts. I didn’t hate them but they felt out of place for some reason. After the second year, I all but forgot I was ever a boy. I had assimilated into girlhood and as much as I hated to admit it, I no longer wanted to be a boy. There wasn’t anything I wasn’t able to do that a boy did. I played ball, I got dirty, and I cussed with the best of them, my brother included. One minute I was running faster than any of the boys and the next playing with Shannon and telling each other our most intimate secrets. I loved the softer side of being a girl.

I thought of Ted and how even after we spent time with his friends he would still strut like a rooster. He could never let down the wall of masculinity. I on the other hand would play just as rough as the boys and when the games were over I could just be myself. I could laugh and giggle with my friends, talk about school and trying for good grades and realize I could do it without feeling the need to impress. I was beginning to feel sorry for Ted to have to be a boy.

I wondered why then, that I had felt so sad when the doctor had mentioned that I was tricking my body into thinking it could give birth to children? I’m only eleven years old and we have already had sex education in school so I knew what took place as far as sex was concerned, but why did I feel so empty at the thought of never giving birth to my own child? As hard as I tried, I couldn’t keep a tear from running down my cheek.

Dr. Livingston returned and noticed the redness in my eyes.

“What’s wrong Cindy?” she asked.

“It’s nothing,” I answered.

“Pretty girls like you don’t cry for nothing.”

“I wasn’t crying.”

“Your eyes say something different. You can tell me what’s bothering you, or if you’d like you can tell your mental therapist.”

“I think I’ll talk to her.”

“I have your new implant. After analyzing your hormone levels, we tweaked them a little and I think you will be happy with what we did. It won’t be long before you are wearing a bra like your friends. Let me see your arm.”

The doctor pushed the large needle into my arm and inserted the implant. God it hurt, making my eyes fill with tears.

“There done. You’re a brave girl Cindy. Your appointment is right after you leave here so you might as well be on your way. I’ll see you next June.”

I joined my parents and brother in the waiting room.

“I’m supposed to see Anne Montgomery now,” I said.

“That’s what Dr. Livingston said when she returned with your implant. We’d better hurry so we can drive home tonight,” Dad said.

Dr. Montgomery’s office was in a building near where we were, so we walked to keep the appointment. Entering the office the receptionist greeted us with a smile.

“Cindy, it’s good to see you again,” she gushed. “Come right in.”

I wondered how she remembered my name but then knew she had a list of patients on her computer screen. She showed me to Dr. Montgomery’s office, led me in, left and closed the door. Less than a minute later Dr. Montgomery entered the room. She held my file in her hand.

“Hello Cindy, it’s nice to see you again,” she said.

“Hi Dr. Montgomery.”

“Remember, call me Anne.”

“I’m sorry Anne.”

“Honey, it’s okay. This shouldn’t take too long so we might as well get right to it. How have you been feeling? Any concerns?”

“Umm, I don’t know?”

“Surely there must be something. Dr. Livingston called and said you had been crying?”

“I guess.”

“Would you like to tell me why you were crying?”

“It was nothing, just some silly thoughts.”

“Cindy, nothing is silly to me. I have to know what’s going on with you in order to better understand what you’re going through. Now what made you cry?”

My eyes filled with tears again as I thought of how to express my feelings about not being able to have children and not sound like a fool.

“I was thinking about when I got older and whether what I’m doing is the right thing? If I become a woman, I won’t be able to have children.”

“And what makes you think that?”

“You know all about me and know I can’t have them.”

“But you can. Adoption is available to you so why couldn’t you adopt?”

“I could, but I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I’m tricking my body into thinking it can have a baby, but I can’t have one. If I go back to being a boy at least I could have a child.”

“Is that what you’re worried about, not being able to carry your own baby?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Have you thought that if you were a man and had a baby you wouldn’t give birth either? Your wife would do the hard work. Basically all you would do is contribute the sperm and after the egg is fertilized you’ve done your part. Is it that important to you that your baby has your DNA?”

“No, it’s just that I feel as though I would be missing something. I don’t even know why I thought about it?”

“It could be the hormones you’re taking. I’m not sure how much Dr. Livingston explained to you about the effects of hormones, but they do more than change your body. They change your brain too. I think the reason you have thoughts like this is because the hormones awaken a need to have a baby. Girls or boys don’t just wake up one day and say I want to go to bed with a boy. Hormones do that to you because humans and other animals need to mate to reproduce. You’re becoming a young lady and it’s natural to want to have a baby inside of you, it’s part of becoming a woman. We both know you’ll never be able to carry a baby, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mother. Many women who have babies aren’t good mothers and from what I know about you, you’ll be a good a good mother. You have feelings for others that speak for themselves. I can already see the soccer mom in you,” she laughed. “Other than these feelings, is there anything else?”

“Well, yes, I want breasts.”

“Cindy, every girl your age wants breasts. Don’t worry, you’ll get them, remember you’re only eleven years old and they can’t be that far away. You do know what breasts are for don’t you?”

“Yes, they’re to feed my baby.”

“That’s right; now if you were fourteen and had still not started breast growth then maybe we would have something to worry about. Do you have a boyfriend?”

“EEEww no.”

“Then you don’t like boys?”

“No, I kind of like them a little. A boy at school has asked about me.”

“Who’s that?”

“Anders. He’s one of the new twins at my school.”

“How do you feel about him?”

“I don’t know. I guess he’s kind of cute. I really haven’t talked to him. My brother Ted hangs out with both the twins. They play soccer but then so does almost every other kid in my school, especially the boys. Anders is pretty good.”

“So, you’ve been watching him?”

“I guess a little. It doesn’t matter, it’s not like my Mom would let me go on a date.”

“Really, do you want to go on a date?”

“No,” I blushed.

“Your mother is right, you’re too young to be dating. Now is there anything else?”

“I like who I’ve become.”

“So can I assume you still want to be a girl?”

“More than anything.”

“I know it’s a little late, but if you could become a boy again would you, even after tricking your body?”

“Heavens no. I was being selfish and having a pity party for myself and you’re right about adopting a baby. I’d have my choice of babies.”

“See, I knew you’d feel this way after thinking of a man’s role in childbirth. That’s all for today. You seem to be a very well-adjusted young woman Cindy. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks Anne, see you next time.”

I returned to my parents and we walked to the car and the long drive home.

Chapter Eleven

The next few weeks passed quickly and Christmas was upon us. Ted and I could hardly wait for Christmas morning to open our gifts. The nearer Christmas came, the closer he and I became.

“What do you think Mom and Dad will get us this year?” I asked.

“I’ve left enough hints for a Gameboy that if I don’t get one I’ll probably shoot myself,” he laughed.

“I’d rather have clothes.”

“Clothes? Now I know you really are a girl. Give me toys and games, I can get clothes anytime.”

“I need them I’ve grown out of most of what I have and being a girl is a lot different than being a boy. All you need is a couple of pairs of jeans and clean T-shirts and you’re set. Girls wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the same things over and over again, we co-ordinate.”

“What’s that?”

“Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. We like to look put together is all I’m saying.”

“I look put together.”

“Give me a break Ted. The only time anything matches on you is when we go to church or you wear your baseball uniform.”

“I don’t care, give me a game and I’ll let you waste your money on clothes.”

This is the way it went every day until Christmas. Christmas morning we did the usual, snuck to the tree and looked to see what Santa had brought during the night. Mom and Dad finally got out of bed and joined us so we could open presents. Ted got his game and one extra, an X box with games. His eye lit up when he opened the present containing the X box. I on the other hand received clothing, thank God. Mom and Dad are pretty good about spending the same amount on both of us and they didn’t disappoint. I must have gotten twenty new outfits with gift certificates for new shoes. I couldn’t wait to show Shannon.

Living across the street from each other meant we could spend time running back and forth to each other’s house and model what we each had gotten for Christmas. I think it was the best Christmas I had ever had.

The new year came and went as did the months of January, February, and March.

Baseball season started half way through March with practice, as the season was going to begin the first week of April. I had grown another three inches and was now taller than my Mom. Practice went well and I still was the best batter on the team.

There was also a new development with my body, as I said, I’m now five three and still growing but something else is happening. My nipples are itching like crazy and I swear my butt isn’t as boney as it was. My doctor had mentioned that my pelvis was growing to be able to have babies but my hips were still boney. My pelvis stuck out and I looked malnourished. Now those bones are disappearing and I do look better. I’ll have to ask Mom or Shannon what’s going on.

News flash, Alexis has a boyfriend, well at school anyway. Erik, one of the twins asked her to go steady and gave her his ring to wear around her neck. They look good together, well kind of, she’s taller than me and he’s an inch or two taller than my brother. Oh, one more thing, Ted has growing pains so I guess it won’t be long before he’s as tall as me.

It had been a week since the itching began and there seems to be no relief in sight. I figured I should say something to my mother.

“Mom, I’m having a problem,” I said one day as I walked into the kitchen to help with the dishes after dinner.

“What kind of problem could my sweet daughter possibly have?”

“My nipples are itching like crazy.”

She looked at me and smiled.

“It sounds as though your hormones are beginning to work. Your itching is the first indication that you’re finally growing breasts.”

“I am?” I squeaked.

“Yes baby, you are. It won’t be long before you’ll need a bra, young lady.”

“Cool.”

I’m still one of the best players on the baseball team but I don’t seem to be getting any faster. The other players, all boys, seem to be running faster and two have passed me, making me the fifth fastest runner on the team. I’ll just have to try harder. Another thing is happening too, my power is decreasing in relation to the other players. Ted and I were the best batters on the team and now he’s the best and I’m fourth best. I just don’t seem to have as much strength as I had before, or maybe the boys are getting stronger and I’m staying the same.

I talked to Shannon about it and asked her if she had any ideas about what I could do about my strength.

“Shannon, I’m worried. I seem to be losing my strength,” I said.

“Losing your strength?”

“Yes, I used to be stronger than the boys and now I’m only stronger than half of them. I’m worried that I won’t be able to play ball anymore.”

“You have been growing so maybe that’s the problem. Your muscles haven’t kept up with your growth.”

“What can I do? I love playing ball.”

“We can work out. It won’t hurt our soccer, that’s for sure.”

“When?”

“After school. We can start today.”

Shannon put together a workout routine, which involved mostly running. We didn’t have any weights so we did push-ups and pull-ups instead. Shannon’s mom had a few workout tapes and we used them also. The first week, we were so sore that we almost quit the whole thing but as we continued the pain diminished.

The workouts seemed to help on the field, as I wasn’t losing any more ground to the boys. I hoped my batting would improve, but it hasn’t, oh well.

Now the big news, I’m growing breasts. My nipples have been red and swollen as of late and I asked my mom about it and she smiled.

“It looks like it’s time for your fist bra,” she said, and hugged me.

“Finally,” I replied.

Mom and I went shopping for my first training bra. It was something every mother wanted to do with her daughter, buy her her first bra. It was an experience I would treasure for the rest of my life. I’m not going to go into everyday development. Anyone who has a daughter knows what we go through, the first bump that hurts like crazy, and the excitement of actual growth and having to buy a real bra. I loved every minute of it with the only question being how big will they be?

Ted and I have grown into a strained relationship. As I mentioned he’s started his growth spurt. I don’t know if he’s also starting puberty because we haven’t shared a bedroom since we were eight when I decided to become the girl in all of this. He has been growing, but I haven’t seen any pimples on his face to tell me he’s becoming a man.

We seem to be in each other’s face almost every day. God, he’s such a jerk. Ted has taken up swearing when our parents aren’t around and refers to me as bitch. Well actually he says I’m a bitch, which brings tears. He makes me so angry at times. If mom or dad heard him they would wash his mouth out with soap.

Ted’s grown a few inches, but being five three I tower over him. I thought I could best him when we got into a fight the other day and he grabbed my wrists and try as I may I couldn’t pull away from him. Up until several months ago it wouldn’t have been a problem, but now he’s stronger than me. I detected a triumphant gleam in his eyes as he held me fast.

“Stop, you’re hurting me,” I screamed. That only made him grip tighter.

“What are you two doing?” Mom yelled from the kitchen.

”Ted’s hurting me,” I responded.

“Ted, what are you doing to your sister?”

“I’m not hurting her, we’re just playing,” Ted said.

“He is too.”

“Ted, stop whatever you’re doing and both of you come in here.”

Ted let go of my wrists with a sneer and we walked into the kitchen.

“What’s going on with you two?” Mom asked, in a tone of voice that announced, “I’m not happy.”

“Ted was hurting me,” I whined.

“You started it,” he rebuked.

”Cause, you’re being a jerk.”

“Enough. Ted, you’re stronger than your sister and I don’t want you hurting her. Cindy, I know you think Ted is saying things you take personally, but it’s just your hormones making you think everything is about you. Unfortunately, you’ll be like this for quite a while but before you get angry at your brother walk away. I don’t want a repeat of this.”

“Sorry Mom,” Ted said.

“I’m sorry too, and I’m sorry Ted,” I said.

“Its okay, sis.”

That was the day I found out that my strength was not increasing as quickly as Ted’s. As Ted grew, so did his strength. I still had a height advantage but his muscles were developing much faster than mine. His puberty had started.

My breast development wasn’t what I thought it would be. My breasts were tiny cones, you could tell they were breasts, but very undeveloped. My hips on the other hand were doing just the opposite. I had to admit that I was more than pleased with the way my butt was rounding out.

Ted had several of his friends over one day and I walked from my room to the kitchen to get something to drink. They were laughing and talking like twelve year old boys do, crude and immature. Their conversation stopped as I walked down the hallway. The boys were Robbie, Mark, and Donovan, boys Ted had started hanging out with just recently. They were the bad boys, you know the kind, always in trouble and I didn’t like them.

“Damn, your sister has a fine ass,” I heard Donovan say.

I felt my face turning red as I blushed profusely. I had to admit to myself it made me feel good that at least part of me was attractive to boys. What I didn’t like was the sniggers and guffaws from the other boys, my brother included. I poured an orange juice and returned to my room.

Chapter Twelve

The school year had ended and I returned to Stanford for another implant. It only took four hours, including my mental exam. The doctors said they would be more thorough next visit and were pleased with my development into a woman.

This year, Ted and I started seventh grade. He was still hanging out with Robbie Mark and Donovan. He would spend time with the neighbor boys but for the most part he was turning into an asshole. Ted minded his business at home, but was like a different person at school.

When we were younger, before the murder incident Ted and I were inseparable. Everywhere he would go, I would too or vice versa. We were the two Musketeers. We had a brotherly rivalry but it was more to push each other to succeed rather than to out-do each other. Now things had changed. We were still identical twins but even that had changed, to be honest. I had become the girl I had pretended to be and Ted was becoming someone I didn’t know. We pretty much avoided each other but our parents seemed to try to avoid the deepening chasm between us. They were at a loss as to what they could do. I was a girl and he was a boy so they figured that was the problem. They hadn’t met his school chums and if they had they would have put their foot down and not allowed him to associate with the creeps.

Our next big blowout came two months after school had started. Alexis, Shannon, and I were joined at the hip but we still had time to gossip and hang with some of the other girls in our class. Even though we were best friends didn’t mean we were exclusive with our friendship. One of the girls in our class was Melisa Crowley. Melisa was one of those girls who started puberty just after her tenth birthday. She came from a family of big-breasted women and now at barely twelve her bras were a very solid C cup and she was still growing. None of the girls in our class had progressed beyond an A cup but two were ready to graduate up to the next size. Melisa isn’t a tall girl, barely touching five feet, but she’s very pretty. She’s also one of the sweetest girls in our class. She’s quiet and wouldn’t hurt a fly much less have a cross word for anyone. She tries to hide her breasts by slumping her shoulders hoping they don’t show too much, but all that does is garner attention to herself, which brings us back to Ted.

Ted and his merry band, well actually it’s Donovan’s band, since Ted was new to the group, had to prove his worth to remain as one of the members, approached Melisa at lunch. She had finished her lunch and stood to bring her tray to deposit it with the dishwasher. Ted approached her with the other three in tow.

“Melisa,” he said, causing her to turn to face him. “True or false,” he snickered, staring at her breasts. The rest of his gang broke into uncontained laughter.

Poor Melisa, her face turned red before she broke down into tears and ran from the room.

The bastards high fived each other and went out into the playground to find someone to bully. Their day wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t knock someone’s lunch to the ground.

I was never so ashamed of my brother than at that moment. I rose to go to him, but the bell rang signaling the end of lunch and the beginning of our next period.

I entered the classroom and found my desk. It was three over from Melisa’s. She sat with her head down, her eyes rimmed with red from crying. At that moment Ted entered the classroom with Robbie. Mark and Donovan were in eighth grade so they weren’t present. Ted looked at me and I gave him a look of hate he had never seen on my face before.

“What?” he mouthed.

I shifted my eyes toward Melisa and watched as he followed my gaze. All he did was smirk, the little bastard. God I hated my brother at that moment.

Class ended and I drifted toward Melisa.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Her chin quivered telling me she wasn’t.

“Why did your brother do that to me?” she asked, as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Because he’s an asshole,” I growled.

I gathered Melisa in my arms and held her while she sobbed. There was nothing I would be able to say that would take back the hurtful words Ted had said.

Our last subject was English, which our whole class shared. For some reason the school board thought seventh and eighth grades should change rooms like they do in high school to prepare us for when we actually went into the new school. There were two classes of seventh and eighth grade students so we had to change rooms. The class we were in was advanced English so some of the students left for remedial help, Robbie being one of them. Shannon, Alexis, and I were in all the advanced class, as was Ted. Without his friends backing him up now, his brashness seemed to dissipate.

Shannon walked on one side of Melisa and I walked on the other. We did everything we could to comfort her.

Finally her voice burst from her mouth, “I hate these, why can’t I be like everyone else?” she cried, pointing at her breasts, and dissolved into tears.

Shannon and I held her tight and comforted her until she stopped crying. Class was about to start and we would be late if we didn’t get to our desks. Melisa’s desk was next to mine so I was able to help her calm down, but it wasn’t easy. I would kill my brother when we got home; not really, but I he was in for the tongue lashing of his life.

School ended and Alexis, Shannon and I had soccer practice. There was only one soccer team this year. We noticed that as the girls grew older they seemed to lose interest in after-school sports as they discovered boys and makeup. We had discovered them too but we knew soccer and other interests would help us when we entered high school so we kept playing. After practice ended, Shannon’s father drove us home while Alexis rode home with her mother.

I walked through the front door and could hear Ted and his buddies laughing in his room. The laughter was like fingernails on a chalkboard and I felt my anger return with a vengeance. I was still in my soccer clothes, shorts, socks, shoes, and an old jersey from last year. I had grass stains on my knees and a smudge on my face but I didn’t care. Ted had to be put in his place.

I marched to Ted’s room and threw open the door. All the boys’ eyes focused on me when I entered the room. Mom was in the back yard and didn’t know I had arrived from practice so Ted knew he could say just about anything he wanted without my mother hearing.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” he asked, to the snickering of his friends.

“Asking why you did what you did to Melisa? Do you have any idea of how cruel that was?”

“Hey, I had to know, true or false. There’s no way tits that big are real,” Ted laughed in concert with his disgusting friends.

“Well I hate burst your bubble but Melisa’s breasts are very real and what you said to her was just plain disgusting.”

“Well I hate to tell you this dear sister, but it’s none of your business and besides you certainly don’t have much to talk about,” he sneered, staring at my chest.

The slap came hard and fast. Ted’s head flew to the left with spit flying from his mouth while his friends looked on.

“Ouch,” he yelled.

“Don’t you ever say something like that to me again, Ted,” I screamed.

Ted looked back at me, tears filling his eyes. He couldn’t let his friends see him cry as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

Mom came rushing into the room, having heard the commotion all the way into the garden.

“What’s going on in here?” she asked before she saw the red handprint on Ted’s face.

“Cindy hit me,” he whined.

The other three boys shifted uneasily as they watched my mother begin shaking with anger.

“I think we’d better be going,” Donovan said.

“Yeah,” the other two replied in unison.

The boys lifted their worthless asses off the bed and filed from the bedroom without a word.

“My God Ted, let me see your face.”

Mom gently took his face in her hand and turned it back and forth looking at the mark I had created.

“Cindy, how could you do this to your brother?” she almost shouted.

“He deserved it Mother,” I spat, looking at Ted, making him squirm.

“What could he have done to justify slapping him like this?”

“He insulted me and he insulted one of my girlfriends, and his nasty little friends didn’t help the cause either.”

I told Mom what Ted had done at school and what he said to me when I confronted him about the hurt he had caused Melisa. I thought Mom would kill Ted after seeing her face turn to cold stone.

“How dare you say something like that, Ted? I thought your father and I raised you better than that? What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I was just fooling around. I didn’t mean anything by it,” he said in a whiney tone of voice.

“You didn’t mean anything? Do you know how hurtful your words were?”

“I was just kidding,” Ted groveled.

“You were kidding enough to have Melisa in tears,” I responded.

“What’s happening to you Ted? I’ve seen a big change in your behavior and would like to know why?”

“It’s his friends Mom. They’re creeps.”

“What do you mean by that young lady?”

“They’re the school bullies. All they do is cause trouble.”

“These are the boys you’re hanging out with?” Mom asked.

“They’re not creeps Mom. They’re fun.”

“Are they bullies?”

“No Mom, it’s not like that.”

“Then what is it like Ted?”

“Well, uhh, maybe we like bump into some kids, it’s mostly Donovan that does that.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t.”

“What’s your excuse for your behavior today?”

“We didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Whose idea was it to say such a cruel thing to that girl?”

“It was Donovan’s.”

“Why didn’t he say it instead of you?”

“Because he said I wasn’t doing enough to be in his club.”

“What club?”

“Just the four of us guys.”

“That’s not a club, Ted, that’s a clique and it sounds to me that this Donovan boy is nothing more than a bully. I don’t want you hanging around with him anymore.”

“But Mom…..”

“But nothing. I’ve seen the way you’ve been acting lately and I don’t like it. I thought it was because you’re starting puberty but it sounds more like it’s the influence this Donovan boy is having on you. Listen Ted, your father and I don’t want to tell you who you can and can’t play with, but in this case I don’t have a choice and after what I’ve seen today I think I’m right.”

“Now young lady, what Ted said to you was wrong, but that’s no excuse to hit him like you did. Look at the mark you left on his face. I don’t care what he said to you to make you do that.”

“I’m sorry Mom.”

“You should be apologizing to your brother, not me. I’m not the one who was slapped.”

The thought of telling my brother I was sorry turned my stomach. I waited for almost ten seconds before I issued the words I so despised.

“I’m sorry Ted,” I said softly.

“Ted?” Mom asked.

“I’m sorry too.”

“I don’t understand what’s going on with you two. You were so close and now you’re like strangers with each other. I can’t even begin to ask why?”

“It’s because Cindy’s different now. We were both boys but now she’s not. She’s a real girl Mom, not some guy trying to hide from a killer and I don’t know how to talk to her,” Ted said his eyes misting with tears.

“Well how do you think I feel? You never try to talk to me anymore. You ignore me at school and make fun of my friends. I still play baseball with you, but for some reason I’m not as good as I was before. You guys are improving and I’m staying the same. I was the best hitter on the team and now, I don’t know, it’s like I’m not as strong as I was. I love you Ted, but there are times you really hurt me, like today. I know I’m flat, do you think I like it? God, all my friends are growing at least a little and I’m not, or barely. All I’ve grown is up and not out. I’m a girl Ted and girls have feelings, just as you do. Maybe I’m more sensitive, I don’t know? It was everything I could do not to cry when you said what you did to me, but I wasn’t going to give you the satisfaction, that why I slapped you. I’m truly sorry for what I did to you and I hope you can forgive me?”

The misting in Ted’s eyes had turned to tears. My tough guy brother was crying. The worse thing though was I didn’t feel satisfied, I felt sick. I moved to my brother and took him in my arms and pulled him tight before the damn broke. I shook with the sobs, wondering how I could ever hate my brother, my identical twin?

Chapter Thirteen

Over the next month something wonderful happened. My breasts started growing, yea. Finally I could see something happening. Oh and I think my growth spurt has slowed down. I’m now five four and a half but the last inch and a half, have taken three months to take place. I was growing an inch a month until my last visit with the doctors. Hopefully this is an indication of my final height. I’d hate to grow to six foot two like my father and I’m sure Ted will be joining him at that height.

After the big blow out with Ted, he hasn’t been hanging with Donovan and his crew. Donovan gave him crap for being a pussy so Ted told him flat out if he wanted a black eye he’d better shut up. Donovan hasn’t bothered Ted since then.

Anders still seems interested in me and finally gathered the nerve to talk to me. He’s very shy. I’m still amazed at the difference between him and his brother. Alexis is still in love with Erik, well as much as a twelve-year-old girl can be. She’s not allowed to date so the only time they see each other is in school and then only in class and at lunch. They do hold hands and they make a very nice couple.

Anyway, back to Anders, like I said, he finally talked to me. With all the staring at me I was wondering if he was some kind of stalker?

We were at lunch one day sitting at our usual table. There was Shannon, Alexis, Erik, and Melisa, who joined us after the incident with Ted, Lori, and me. I was watching Anders from the corner of my eye; yes I have a crush on him and saw his friends nudging him in my direction. His face was bright red with embarrassment.

“Go on,” one of his friends, just loud enough for me to hear.

“I don’t want to,” Anders replied.

“Dude, how will she know that you like her if you don’t say anything?”

“But she’s so pretty, she won’t want to talk to me.”

Now the pretty remark really got my interest. Anders thought I was pretty. I looked at him and smiled.

“See, she likes you,” one of the boys said.

Anders looked down at his feet obviously embarrassed by the attention being paid to him. Being a twin to Erik, I wondered why he was this way? As I thought about it, I remembered when I was Marcus and thought of the differences between Grady and me. I was the outgoing twin whereas he was the introvert but not to the extent of Erik and Anders. If I didn’t do something he would never talk to me. I stood and walked to him, the obvious glee showing on his friend’s faces.

“Would you like to sit with us?” I asked, as he backed up a step.

“Uhh, uhh, do you want me to?”

“I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t.”

I was going to add that I thought he was cute but decided his friends would give him nothing but grief if I did.

“Come on,” I said, taking his hand and pulling him to our lunch table.

“Hey Bro,” Erik greeted his brother.

Anders nodded.

“Hi Anders,” the rest said.

Introductions weren’t need as we were all in the same class; they knew Anders and Anders knew them.

“Sit here,” I said, patting the bench next to me.

Anders sat uneasily next to me, his face burning red with embarrassment.

Looking at him I asked, “What’s wrong Anders, don’t you like me?” concern showing in my voice.

His head snapped around so he could look at me.

“No, I think you’re pretty,” he said, and then looked away.

I reached over and took his hand in mine.

“Anders, I just want to be your friend, and I like you a lot, but if you don’t want to be here than you can leave. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I, I want to be here,” he stammered.

“Then what’s wrong?” I asked.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend before.”

“Well don’t worry, we don’t bite,” I giggled.

Things settled down after that. Anders became more social and after a few days we were holding hands everywhere we went.

I discovered he was a very good student, while his brother didn’t like to study, poor Alexis. As hard as she tried, Erik wouldn’t do more than needed to be done to pass with average grades. Anders on the other hand excelled in school. Shannon and I still studied together and asked Anders if he’d like to join us, but he lived across town near the Empire Mine so the distance was too great for that to happen.

Good news, my breasts are definitely growing. My training bras are growing tight and have become uncomfortable so Mom brought me to buy some new ones. They’re just double A but an improvement over my old ones. At least you can see that I’m a girl finally.

Chapter Fourteen

December came so it was back to Stanford again. Ted joined us for this trip, and moaned for two days before we left. We were warned that this appointment might take two days so we brought extra clothes.

It was the same old, same old at Stanford. Draw blood, insert the new implant and send me on to my shrink. Talking to Dr. Montgomery was kind of nice so I really didn’t mind seeing her. I was shown into her office and the nurse closed the door. Dr. Montgomery entered from a door on the opposite wall.

“Good morning Cindy, it’s nice to see you again,” she said with a smile.

“Good morning.” I replied.

“You’re looking well, how do you feel?”

“Fine.”

“I’m glad to hear that. So, what’s been happing since the last time we talked?”

“Umm, let’s see, I’m finally growing breasts,” I said excitedly, “And I kind of have a boyfriend.”

“Kind of have a boyfriend?”

“Well, yeah, the only time we see each other is at school.”

“I see. Now what’s this about growing breasts?”

“Well, I started on the hormones a year and a half ago and all I did was grow this way,” I said indicating my height. “All my girlfriends were starting to have breasts and nothing was happening to me. I thought maybe I should just be a boy instead of a girl.”

“So, do you still feel that way?”

“God, no. I don’t think I really meant anything by it, it was just a thought.”

“Are you sure it was only a thought? How would you feel if you were to become a boy again?”

“I wouldn’t want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I watch my brother and think that I’m so glad I was the one to volunteer to become the girl. I thought I would change my mind after being a girl for a couple of years, but I was wrong. Maybe I should have been born a girl and I wouldn’t even have thoughts like the one I had.”

“What you did, changing sexes, would make anyone think they might have made a mistake. Why do you like being a girl now as opposed to being a boy?”

“I like the way I feel. I like being able to play baseball with the boys and yet share my most intimate thoughts with my girlfriend Shannon. I would have never done that when I was Marcus. I watch Ted and see him and his friends and know they would never tell each other how they felt about things as simple as a dress or a boy. Oh, I’m sure they talk about girls but only to mention how big their boobs are. We talk about how nice a boy is, and of course how cute they are, but it’s more than that. As a girl I feel special.”

“Have you thought about what’s going to happen in another year and a half?”

“What are you asking me?”

“In a year and a half you’re going to have surgery to make you complete, a real girl. You’re at the point now where there is no turning back and after surgery what’s removed can’t be put back.”

“I know they explained what they were going to do, but I really haven’t thought about it.”

“It’s a lot for a girl your age to think about, but it’s something you shouldn’t avoid. You know, you don’t have to go through with the surgery.”

“But I want to.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I’m a girl and I want to look the way I feel. Now I feel like a girl, but I want to feel complete.”

“How do you feel now?”

“Like a girl, but like I’m pretending being one. It’s hard to explain. When I shower or take a bath I hate having my penis still there. When I’m with my friends I always worry someone will see what I’m trying so hard to hide. I’m a girl Anne, and I shouldn’t have that thing between my legs.”

“No you shouldn’t. Now tell me about your boyfriend?”

“Anders?”

“Is that his name?”

“Yes, he’s a twin like me.”

“He’s identical?”

“Yes. He and his brother moved to Jackson last year and he and they sort of hung out with Ted. His brother is Erik and he’s Alexis’ boyfriend.”

“Alexis, isn’t she one of your close friends?”

“Yes, she and Shannon are my best friends.”

“What do you and Anders do?”

“We eat lunch together at school and you know just hang together.”

“Have you kissed him?”

“No! All we’ve done is hold hands.”

Anne smiled at that.

“It sounds as though you’re becoming a normal girl, Cindy. Now let’s get to more serious things. Getting back to you wanting to be a girl now, are you sure? Let’s play a game and pretend you could be anyone you wanted to be. You could turn a switch on and you’d become that person. The only rules are that once you’re that person there would be no going back. I know you love baseball, who’s your favorite player?”

“Derek Jeter.”

“Okay, let’s say we have a magic bottle and you can ask the genie to turn you into Derek Jeter, would you do it?”

“I’m not sure? Could the genie turn me into Jennie Finch?”

“Who’s Jennie Finch?”

“She a pitcher on the USA Olympic softball team.”

“How did you find out about her?”

“Shannon told me about her. We were talking about high school and that I probably wouldn’t be able to play baseball when we went there and she told me about girl’s softball. We argued about hardball and softball. I said softball was a girl’s game and hardball was real baseball. She said I was a girl so why wouldn’t I play softball? I explained that I liked playing baseball because it was harder than softball and I had played baseball almost my whole life. When I said that, it was the first time Shannon was angry with me.”

“What happened?”

“She brought me into her house and turned on her computer. She went to a website about softball and showed me how wrong I had been. One time, some major league players tried to bat against a softball pitcher and none could get a hit. I read why and the story told of how the pitcher is closer to home plate and you had to hit sooner than the hitters were used to. After that I looked at softball differently. It might be for girls, but it was just as hard as baseball.”

“I see. So, if you had a choice, would you choose to be Derek Jeter or Jennie Finch?”

“I think Jennie Finch.”

“You have no desire to be Derek Jeter?”

“Yes, I do. I love the way he plays ball and if he was a girl then I’d probably want to be him, but I can’t.”

“So, you would like to be him if you had a choice?”

“But he’s not a girl, so I couldn’t be him.”

“Remember Cindy, this is make believe and you can be anyone you want in this game, so would you become a boy again to be Derek Jeter?”

“I don’t think so. If you had asked me this question three years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to be like him, but now, there’s no way I would give up being a girl to play baseball.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“I think it’s the closeness of my friends. When I first became a girl, I felt as though it was a choice I had to make to help keep our family safe. I think I was trying to be a hero like Superman or something. At first it was hard for me. I had to learn to be like a girl. It wasn’t like walk this way or move your hands that way, Shannon and I were pretty much tomboys and we were just like the boys. I think being with Shannon made becoming a girl easier. She wasn’t into dresses and dolls and girly things but liked to play just like the boys. Once in a while we would play with her Barbies but not very often. Her mother would laugh and say that she was more of a boy than half the boys in the neighborhood but yet no one would mistake her of being a boy. We played hard, but yet we made time to be girls and I think it helped me become one. When I first started this I thought it would be much more different. I thought I would be wearing dresses all the time and never play ball again. I was prepared to hate being a girl but as I pretended to be one I changed. I found that I liked being a girl; in fact I liked it more than being a boy. Oh, Ted and I had some out and out fights about me being a girl, but I knew he would never want to become like me. Now the only thing I regret is how slow it is growing my breasts,” I giggled.

“So it sounds as though you’ll be playing softball soon?”

“Yes, there’s a team for girls in Sutter Creek and I think maybe I’ll see if my parents will let me join.”

“Are you willing to give up baseball?”

“I’m not sure. The thing I’ve noticed though is that I used to be the best player on the team and now there are several boys who are better than me, my brother included.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Kind of sad.”

“Why?”

“It’s like I’m losing a part of who I was. I’ve always played ball like I was still Marcus and still do, it’s just that my strength isn’t keeping up with the boys anymore. I still run faster than them, but my batting isn’t as strong as the boys.”

“Maybe that’s caused by the hormones you’re taking. Girls just don’t have the strength boys do when they go through puberty. That’s why they have men and women’s classes in the Olympics. It’s something we have to face that men are stronger and faster than women.”

“I wish I didn’t have to lose my strength.”

“You wouldn’t if you decide to become Marcus again.”

“I wouldn’t want to do that. Being a girl is much more important to me than being faster than everyone else. I love who I am.”

“I’m glad to hear that, Cindy. I’m through with you now, but I’d like to talk to your brother for a bit, so would you send him in?”

“I will and thank you Doctor.”

I returned to the waiting room and sent Ted in to see Dr. Montgomery.

Dr. Montgomery welcomed Ted with a smile and a handshake.

“Hello, Ted, I’m Dr. Montgomery and I’d like to talk to you about Cindy if I may?”

“Okay.”

“Cindy says you’re a very good baseball player?”

“I guess I’m okay,” he said, blushing with the compliment.

“What about Cindy is she a good player too?”

“I guess.”

“Is she as good as you?”

“She was, even better before she started, you know, like getting boobs and all,” he blushed at the mention of Cindy’s breasts.

“How do you feel about Cindy becoming a girl?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think about it.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it makes me sad, and sometimes it makes me mad.”

“Why would it make you angry?”

“Because she gets all the attention.”

“Tell me what you mean by that?”

“Before, when we were Marcus and Grady, we did everything together. We played ball or messed around, but always together. After we moved and Marcus became Cindy, things changed. He found new friends like Shannon across the street and slowly became Cindy. Marcus was gone and Mom and Dad always paid more attention to her than me. It pissed me off. I hated that she volunteered to become the girl and I didn’t.”

“Would you have wanted to become a girl?”

“No way. I was glad when Marcus said he’d do it, but I didn’t know how much he would like it. I thought he would change his mind after a few years and I’d have my brother back, but that didn’t happen. Now she’s got a boyfriend and everything.”

“Does that bother you?”

“What Cindy having a boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

“Why would it, she’s a girl now and girls have boyfriends.”

“You mentioned that you’re also sad. Why is that?”

“I miss my brother. I miss playing baseball with him and lots of other things Cindy isn’t interested in doing anymore.”

“I know it must be hard on you losing a brother, but you did gain a very pretty sister.”

“I know, but we used to be identical twins and now were not,” Ted said, trying to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.

“You really do miss your brother don’t you?”

“More than anything.”

“Don’t you love your sister?”

“Of course I love her, but it’s not the same. We did everything together and now Cindy is like a different person.”

“I imagine she does seem that way. I’m sure the hard part for you is that she no longer shares the same interests as you do now.”

“That’s for sure. All she talks about is dresses and soccer and Shannon this and Shannon that, or Alexis just got to have makeup. I can’t talk to her anymore, it’s not the same.”

“I see your point Ted, but you have to understand that Cindy is a girl now and becoming a woman. As much as you wish she would share your interests she won’t, not anymore. What is exciting to her will be boring to you and vice versa. Boys your age still do crude things in her eyes whereas boys think what girls are doing is stupid. The thing is though, she’ll love you more and be more protective than if she was still a boy. Sisters are like that. One minute it seems as though she wants to kill you and the next rip the head off of anyone trying to do harm to you. I think you’ll grow to love your sister very much, just give it time.”

“I’ll try, it’s just that it feels like they love her more than me.”

“Why would you say something like that?”

“She always gets all the attention. It’s always how was your day honey? How was soccer? It just feels like they love Cindy more than me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. Remember Cindy’s going through a very big change in her life. What she’s done is very noble and what she’s going to go through now will be the hardest part of her journey. Things are happening to her that won’t be able to be undone easily and after her fourteenth birthday she won’t be able to turn back. She will be Cindy forever. She loves you very much Ted and if she knew how you felt I’m sure she’d have second thoughts about what she’s doing. Much to her surprise, she loves being a girl, which makes it that much easier for your witness protection to continue. Remember, that’s what this is all about and Cindy liking who she’s become makes it that much easier. I know you have your concerns but what you’re doing by accepting Cindy for who she’s become is just as important as what she’s done. Your whole family is counting on you and Cindy to do your part, even if it is with a sister.”

“I guess you’re right. I didn’t look at it that way. I only saw the changes in Cindy and that I didn’t have a brother anymore. I guess I can love her as much as she loves me.”

Ted returned to the waiting room and gave me a small smile. I could tell he had been crying by the redness in his eyes.

“Sit next to me?” I asked.

He nodded and walked to the bench and lowered himself to the space between the lamp table and me.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

He turned toward me, smiled and pulled me into a hug.

“I love you sis.”

Holy smoke, I never saw that coming. Ted had pretty much been a jerk toward me the last year or so and now this turn around, wow, I owed the doctor big time.

“I love you too.”

Edited by Di Wonder