Kwan couldn't understand why she couldn't be herself

Chapter Two

Jung’s eyes flashed with anger. “What do you mean? He fainted and hit his head on the floor!”

“Mrs. Brooks, it is standard operating procedure when a child is injured to investigate and determine the cause. It’s my job to find that out”

“My God. You think I beat my baby, don’t you?” Jung looked down as tears dripped into her lap. Why did this have to happen?”

Lorraine was carrying a portfolio which she opened. “Mrs. Brooks, please, calm down. Can I explain something to you?”

Jung simply nodded.

I take a great deal of pride in what I do. I have put away hundreds of abusive parents and molesters by being good at what I do. I’m good at what I do because I never make assumptions. I want to talk to you because right now, I can’t talk to Kwan Bae. You’re the only one that was there who can talk to me. I’m not assuming anything; I just want your story”

Jung was somewhat calmed by Lorraine. She seemed to be a reasonable person. “Okay, I guess. What do you want to know?”

“Everything. Every detail about the incident”

Jung related the events of the day, and what happened to cause Kwan to faint.

Lorraine listened carefully and made copious notes. Finally, after Jung was done, Lorraine sighed. “I’ve got to say, this is the first time I’ve heard anything like this. I know Kwan doesn’t have a history of accidents. If the X rays back this up, I see no reason to pursue this further.

Jung looked as if the weight of the world was off her shoulders. “Thank you. You have to believe I would never do anything to hurt my baby”

“I’m just doing my job, Mrs. Brooks. It’s nothing personal” She rose to leave, then stopped and turned. “Mrs. Brooks, can I offer some advice?”

“Sure. I ‘d appreciate that”

“If what you’re telling me is true, I suspect your child may be transgendered. I’ve never seen it in someone as young as Kwan, but you need to get him into counseling as soon as possible. You and your husband should participate actively in this”

“Transgendered? What’s that?”

“The mind doesn’t match the body. Gender Identity Disorder is quite serious. It can result in crippling depression, even suicide. It’s not made up, and if true, Kwan isn’t just acting out”

“I don’t get it. He’s a boy!”

Lorraine nodded. “Physically, yes. But the mind, the essence of who he is, may not be. This sets up a conflict that cannot be resolved. I don’t know if this is the case with your son or not. But you owe it to him to at least explore this possibility. His life may depend on it”

Jung buried her head in her hands. “This is too much right now!”

Lorraine sat down and out her arm around Jung. “Focus on Kwan getting better. But don’t forget what I’ve said here today. Not if you really want to get to the bottom of his problems”

“Thank you. Ms. Ringdahl. I won’t forget”

As Lorraine left, Justin entered the waiting room. “How is Kwan, honey?”

Jung flew into Justin’s arms, sobbing all over again. “Justin! Thank God you’re here! He’s so sick. It was terrible!”

“Hey, it’s okay Jung. This is not your fault”

“It is, Justin. It’s all my fault. You should have heard him!”

Justin stroked Jung’s long black hair. “Let’s not worry about what happened now. Let’s focus on what’s happening now”

Twenty minutes later, Dr. Tri Indah, the trauma doctor found the Brooks in the waiting room. “Mr. and Mrs. Brooks?”

Justin and Jung stood up. “Yes, Doctor?”

“Kwan is in intensive care right now. He’s got a subdural hematoma, along with a concussion. I’m not going to sugar coat things. He’s in critical condition right now”

Jung sat heavily on the sofa. “Oh, God”

“It’s not all bad news. There was no arterial damage, and the bleeding is under control. He should recover, but there’s no guarantee that there won’t be some brain damage. I just don’t know right now. My specialty is neurology, so I do know a little bit about what I’m talking about”

“Can we see him?” asked Justin.

“Of course. Just be careful around him. No hugging or jiggling”

“Okay, Doctor. Just lead the way”

Justin pulled Jung up gently. He was almost a foot taller than his wife, who, at 5 feet three inches tall was average for a Korean girl. Justin couldn’t help but notice how frail Jung looked at that moment.

Kwan looked tiny in the big hospital bed. He was breathing on his own, but was so still. Justin’s throat caught at the sight of his boy lying there. “How long before we know anything, Doctor?”

Dr. Indah shook her head. “I don’t know. It could be an hour, could be a week. When Kwan is ready to wake up, he will. The human body’s healing capability is quite remarkable. Trust it. He’ll come back”

Jung pulled a chair up to Kwan’s bedside. “I’ll be right here when you wake up, honey”

The hours dragged on. Twelve. Eighteen. Twenty four. Jung and Justin took turns watching Kwan and catching a little sleep in the waiting room.

Finally, at hour thirty six, Kwan moaned. “mommyyyy?”

Jung, dozing in the chair, sat bolt upright at the sound. “Kwan? Honey, mommy’s here!” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she pressed the call button on the bed. “Thank you, God”

Kwan’s eyes fluttered open. “Mommy, my head hurts”

Jung smiled through her tears. “I know honey. We’ll get you something for that, okay”

The nurse came into the room. She saw what had transpired and smiled. “So our little sleepyhead is awake? I’ll call the Doctor”

The next few hours were devoted to checking on Kwan’s well being. He was understandably cranky, but testing showed no lasting damage. His scalp was shaved in the spot where his wound was, as he had gotten eight stitches to close the wound on his scalp.

They had moved Kwan to a regular room when it was felt that he was out of danger. Jung and Justin were with him the whole time.

“You were very brave, Kwan” said Jung with a smile as she held his hand.

“I’m a brave girl, Mommy” Kwan replied, smiling and squeezing his mother’s hand.

Justin raised his eyebrow. “But Kwan, you’re a…”

“Very brave girl” Jung interrupted, shooting a look at Justin to be quiet. “Why don’t you get some sleep, honey. It’s almost your birthday, and we want you to be home for it. I’ll have a brand new Barbie for you when you get home”

“Really?” Kwan yawned. “Okay Mommy. I am sleepy. G’night”

In a few minutes, Kwan was sound asleep.

“Jung, what the heck was this ‘girl’ stuff? In case you haven’t noticed, he’s a boy?”

“I know, Justin. But he doesn’t. That’s why we’re here in the first place”

“What do you mean, Jung? What aren’t you telling me?”

Jung looked over at her sleeping child. “I guess I had hoped that the brain injury would somehow fix what was wrong. Maybe it was stupid, but I hoped…” she trailed off.

Justin moved over to Jung. “What’s going on, Honey? Out with it” he was gentle, but firm.

“I’m sure you’ve noticed that Kwan is a bit different that other boys his age haven’t you?”

“Yeah, a little. What’s up?”

“He told me that he hates boys, and that he isn’t one. He told me he’s a girl”

“Well I hope you set him straight”

“I tried, but he wouldn’t listen to me. Maybe more to the point, he denied it. He told me he hated you for making him get his hair cut. He was mad because he couldn’t wear dresses like his friends. I even showed him in a book how he was a physically a boy. He just froze up and fainted. That’s how we ended up here”

Justin was speechless. He just rubbed his chin, thinking. Finally, he just said. “Son of a bitch” then left the room. Jung wanted to follow, but she knew he needed to be alone.

Jung was watching he son sleep. She was lost in thought when Justin quietly re entered the room. “Okay, Jung. Kwan has a problem. I’ve heard about this before. I happened to see a story on the news about a kid maybe ten years old who went through the same problem. He was pretty much a miserable kid until his folks finally let him be who he was” He shook his head. “Never thought that would be my kid, and not at four years old”

Jung stood and held her husband. “What did we do wrong, Justin?”

“From what I can tell, nothing, Jung. We did the best we could. This is something I don’t understand. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to watch my kid suffer. I’ll find a good counselor. If this isn’t a phase, we’ll deal with it. He’s still our child, boy or girl, and it’s our responsibility to make sure our child is happy”

“But what will our parents say? You know my mom and dad are Christians. They are very straight laced about things”

“Our parents will have to deal with it. I don’t tell them how to run their lives and I expect the same in return”

“What about our friends?”

“What about them? Jung, you seen to be worried about everyone but Kwan”

“No, it’s just that…I don’t know how to deal with this”

“Yes you do, Jung. You aren’t giving yourself enough credit. When Kwan called himself a girl and I tried to butt in, you shut me down. You protected your child. Just keep doing that”

Jung smiled and pulled her husband’s face down to hers and gave him a kiss. “I knew there was a reason I thought you were good enough to marry me! You’re smarter than you look!”

As they broke the kiss, Justin looked over at the sleeping form of Kwan and sighed. “It’s going to get worse before it gets better, Jung. But we’ll get through it”

Kwan got better, and after a week in the hospital, he was discharged. The Social services investigator found no cause to dig any deeper into the Brooks family. The accident was just that, an accident. Justin had gotten a referral to a psychiatrist who specialized in gender disorders. After an interview over the phone with Justin, she agreed to see Kwan.

Dr. Stacee Abney was a specialist in the Gender Identity field. When she received the call about a four year old patient, she jumped at the chance. This could lead to some ground breaking research in the field. The Brooks family wasn’t that well off financially, so she offered to take the case pro bono. She was too responsible to just rubber stamp the transition, but she knew that if the patient was already trying to present female, the chances were way better than average that the little boy would transition early.

The first session was scheduled for the day Kwan got out of the hospital. Stacee thought it critical to get a quick start on the profile. Justin and Jung brought their son in five minutes early.

Stacee greeted them. She was waiting behind her receptionist when the family entered the office.

“Well hello, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks. It’s so nice to meet you!”

“Thank you for doing this, Doctor. We really appreciate it. Jung and I know you are very busy”

“It’s nothing, Mr. Brooks. I’m glad to do it. We don’t see many cases like Kwan’s in our line of work. You’re doing me as big a favor. And please, call me Stacee. And this is Kwan?”

Jung answered. “Yes, this is Kwan Bae. Say hello to Stacee, Kwan”

Kwan blushed. “Hello, Dr. Stacee. Are you gonna help me?”

Stacee knelt to Kwan’s level. “You are so adorable, Kwan! And yes, we’re going to talk a lot, and you can tell me anything you want. Is that all right with you?”

Kwan looked down, blushing furiously. “Yes”

Stacee looked at Jung and Justin. “I’d like to talk to Kwan alone for a bit, if that’s okay. Shawn?” she motioned to her receptionist. Take Mr. and Mrs. Brooks to the special waiting room, please”

Stacee took Kwan’s hand. “And you, precious. Come with me. I have a room with a lot of things to do where we can talk and have fun, okay?”

Kwan’s face lit up. “Really? Do you have dolls?”

“You bet!” smiled Stacee. “Come on!”

Shawn directed Justin and Jung to a small room by Dr. Abney’s office. It had video monitoring equipment in the toy room.

“Is this right?” asked Justin. “I feel like we’re spying”

“Dr. Abney just does this with very young patients. It gets them to open up without the pressure of parents being around. It’s a place free of judgment. Dr. Abney wants you to monitor what happens. Pay close attention, because she’ll want to talk to you afterwards.

They watched the monitor, curious as to what would follow.

“So sweetie, what do you like to play with?”

“Oh, playing with my friend Hannah, she has lots of Barbies. They are so much fun to dress up, and we have tea parties, and play with her teddy bears, I have one too!”

“That’s nice, Kwan, what’s his name?”

“HER name, Dr. Stacee. Her name is Mi Sun. She’s my friend! She listens all the time”

“That’s wonderful, Kwan. Do you have any boy toys?”

Kwan was stroking the hair of a Barbie doll absent mindedly. “Yeah, but they’re really yucky. I don’t like cars and guns and stuff. I feel bad for daddy, because he bought then for me, but I just don’t like them. It’s not what a girl plays with”

“Kwan, who told you that you were a girl?”

“I dunno. I’ve always known it. Did anyone tell you that you were a girl?”

Stacee laughed. “Good point, Kwan. So, no one told you, you just knew”

“Yes. Then mommy said I was a boy. That was really mean. I would never call her a boy. They’re gross!” Kwan giggled.

“Kwan, has anyone ever touched you where you didn’t want to be touched?”

Kwan frowned. “Oh, no, Dr. Stacee. I’d tell mommy and daddy right away. That’s bad”

“You’re right, Kwan, and that’s good that you feel that way. Your parents have taught you very well”

Kwan smiled. “I have a good mommy and daddy” He leaned forward in a whisper. “They are just mixed up. They think I’m a boy. Would you tell them I’m not?”

Tears were flowing down both Justin and Jung’s face. How could they have not seen this before?

After more back and forth between doctor and patient, Stacee told Kwan she had to go for a while, but that Miss Shawn would come in and give him a juice box and a cookie if he wanted one.

“Do you have orange? I love orange”

“Whatever you want. You can keep playing and Miss Shawn will be in here shortly”

“Okay Dr. Stacee!

“Oh, and one more thing. If you had a choice of a name that wasn’t Kwan, what would it be?”

“Hyun Ae. Mommy said it meant wise and loving. Mommy said that would have been my name if I wasn’t named Kwan”

“All right, Kwan” I’ll be back.

Stacee tried to gather her thoughts. She had taken several notes during her interview with Kwan. She felt troubled. How could a child as young and innocent as Kwan have come to the conclusion he was a girl? This was next level stuff. If Kwan was sixteen, this was a no brainer. But four? If she recommended transition, she would no doubt be excoriated by some, revered by others. Transgender groups would hail it as a quantum leap forward. That didn’t matter to Stacee. In nineteen years of private practice, this was a new one. Stacee took the case as an opportunity to further the science of Gender Studies. She sighed. That was before she put a cute little face to the subject.

“Justin, Jung, we need to talk…”

To be continued