Lectures for lunch!

Chapter 20

The next day at work, Carrie was her old happy, bubbly self. Mr. Ape had called her first, so she was able to ignore Mr. Ass when he called. Mr. Ape seemed to interest Carrie a great deal. I thought he was a little old for her, but she'd figured out that kind of thing before and come out of it alright. I decided she was a woman and had to make her own mistakes and earn her own victories, and I'd come running if she called for help.

Robbie was still just a bit miffed at me, but I think it was mostly because she just wanted me to remember “the lesson I'd learned'. Whatever. I just acted like everything was peaches and cream. Wait. I hate peaches. I decided to act like everything was bananas and cream because I really like bananas!. Still, she was the leader of our coven and I was her star pupil and it couldn't last long. I figured one more, maybe two, lectures, and we'd be back to normal. She caught me at lunch and I got ready for lecture number one. (I wasn't wrong)

“Dee, I still can't believe you treated those nice men they way you did!”

I carefully rolled my eyes at her, independently, of course. Then I rolled them back the other direction for extra emphasis. “I had rang the gong and I was mad and dizzy and disoriented and embarrassed and then there they were, the very people I was most trying to avoid. Yes I was rude instead of my usual sweet self. I'm, well, not human... well, that is a bad argument but you know what I mean. And despite becoming more and more feminine, I am no more accepting of men than I ever was. In fact, as I get less ugly,” I ducked her swipe, “as I was saying as I get less ugly, I am less tolerant of them, not more, because now they seem like more of a threat then ever.”

“I give up, Dee, I really do! I don't understand your prejudice. The funny part is I know just how strong you feel about it and if I didn't, I would probably have no idea. You are normally sweet, despite the fact that it was you that said that. In fact, you are a very compassionate, sweet, caring person. I've seen, myself, when you were in a full-on effort to help people, even men, a few times. It is not something you do part time. You really care and it is who you are, not just what you do. That is why I am so damn frustrated!”

I knew the word “damn” was there just to nettle me because my language rarely, if ever, included swear or “cuss” words. I even kept less blatant things to a minimum, usually being satisfied with “oh my” or “wow”. “Well, Bobby, I am pretty much at a loss to explain it. We both know it has a lot to do with the fact I was frustrated to the point of suicidal madness while I was trapped in a male body. I guess I still associate males with imprisonment and bondage and punishment and entire boatloads of negativity. I don't even try to justify those impulses. To be honest, I don't care if anyone feels I even need to justify them. They feel right to me and so long as I don't hurt anyone, no harm, no foul, no crime, no time. I've spent all my life trying to find one reason or another not only trying to justify my feelings and motivations, but to justify my very existence. I'm not doing that anymore. I am who I am and I am what I am and I feel and think what I feel and think. Those who don't like any of that are free to leave me the fudge bunnies alone and I will happily do the same for them!”

“But Dee, do you realize you are hating roughly half of the human race?”

“And that is a problem.... how? I don't hate the people, just the gender. Do you realize how many people hated me and how many still do? For how I was born, not for anything I did or did not do, but for how I was born. I have that right, or that wrong, or whatever you want to call it. Let me spell this out for you. I am still married to the spousal unit. As my body finishes changing, that makes me, for all practical purposes, a lesbian. However, we don't have sex, so maybe I'm a faux lesbian. I don't like sex. I absolutely abhor men. I love quite a few women as friends but I'm not attracted to them. I'm weird. The typical rules do not apply to me. I don't want a life partner or another spouse or a companion. I'm finally coming to not hate myself and until I go from hating myself to not hating myself to actually liking myself, I am facing a period of adjustment. Probably a long period. I never see myself ever again seeking any kind of partner or companion. No dating, no flirting. None of that. I am terrible, horribly terrible, at relationships. I completely don't need  ½ of the human population.” I glared at Carrie as she was trying, and not very hard, to stifle some giggles. “What?”

“She's about to rip you a new one and I'm going to laugh when she's done. I mean, I was worried about you when you ran into that girder, and I know you were mad beyond words at yourself for that. I know you were ready to do terrible things to the nice studs,” as she flinched a bit under my even more intense glare, “but I was proud of you for not hurting or harming them but instead just leaving. On the other hand, men are men. They are half of the human race whether you like it or not. Personally, I like men. I like strong, manly, masculine men. I like men who work up until they are hard bodied and make me drool. You are right about men sucking. Some of the do it right though.” She and Robbie shared a quick cackle over that. “You just have to accept them for who and what they are. Sure, Robbie and I both man bash when we are fed up with them. That is part of being a woman. What bothers us is you hate them all the time and you hate them so much. It just isn't necessary!”

Robbie jumped in at this point, “No. It. Is. NOT! You are going to have to get over all that sometime or you will never finish developing as a human being. Hatred requires too much energy and colors too many perceptions and distracts you from too many wonderful things. It separates you from the Goddess. You can't properly utilize and channel the power of her and the planet and nature when you hate such a huge chunk of the... of the life... of the life force and life forces of the planet. You have to heal before you can reach your full potential. That's all I have to say.”

“Ok,” I shrugged.

“Ok? All you have to say is 'ok'? What you mean is 'nothing you two have said makes any difference and I'm not going to change'.” Robbie was completely aghast.

“That pretty much nails it. I call that an 'Amy-OK' after a friend of mine that used to do that to me. She smiled instead of shrugging, though. Here is what you have to understand. I'm not hurting anyone because it is not personal. No one is hurting me because I'm not militant about it. I'm not going to be hurt by the lack of men in my life. And, finally, no man is going to suffer any loss by the lack of me in his life. To be completely candid, I see no reason for you to be all up in arms.”

“How the f.... umm, rather, how do you figure that you won't be hurt by the lack of men in your life? And the even more ludicrous statement, how do you know that no man will not suffer from the lack of you in his life? Besides, what about your son? He's going to grow up to be a man, no matter what you do.” She fixed me with her “ha, I've won because you'll never wiggle out of that one” glare.

“Let's see if I can answer you in the order of how I was asked: I won't be hurt by the lack of men because men suck and I hate them; no man will suffer from the lack of me because I'm not important and because a man stuck being with me would be miserable and therefor would suffer while one not with me stands a reasonable chance at happiness; and finally, my son is who and what he is, but he is also family and I can't choose my family and I accept him how he is, for better or worse. I can do that, you know. I have been doing it a long time and I will quite probably be doing it for a long time to come. You already knew I was a realist and a pragmatist so don't act so darned surprised.”

Robbie sniffed and was about to give up when she suddenly rounded back on me and blurted, “you still don't know if there is no man that will suffer from the loss of being with you!”

“Robbie, if you can't accept the fact that I'm asexual, that I don't want anyone, then think of me as a devout lesbian so at least you can latch on to the idea that there will be no men in my life and there is a less than zero chance of that changing.”

Robbie just turned away muttering as Carrie laughed openly and threw her arm around my shoulders and said, “Sister, you realize that you are still wrong, don't you?” Then she skipped away and caught up with Robbie

Chapter 21

I was practicing my various shielding techniques and experimenting with how I could manifest my shields physically as I sat and sipped my machiatto at the coffee house after work one afternoon when a large smelly ape dropped down in the chair opposite of me and said, “Hello!”

I wrapped my shields tightly around myself and made sure I had no physical apsects in use and started packing my laptop in silence. The smelly ape only let his mouth gape open a slight bit as I slid the laptop itself down into my backpack and started zipping the closure.

I caught up my machiatto and rose, slipping my backpack over one shoulder in one smooth, graceful motion when he finally sputtered, “I said 'hello'.”

I finally looked at him, something I had studiously not done until that point, and said, “Ok,” and walked out to my car. As I unlocked the door and planted my rear firmly in the seat he rose from his chair. I spun on my seat and carefully tucked my feet into the car as I plopped my backpack in the floor of the passenger seat. By then, he was at the door of the coffeehouse. I pulled my door closed and locked my car (electric locks!) and popped the ignition key home and started the engine. Now he was standing outside the driver's door of my car. I began buckling my seat belt and turning on the car stereo. As I straightened up and reached for the stick shift, I noticed him standing behind the car so I would not be able to back up without running over him.

I was tempted to use the physical aspect of my shields but just as I was beginning to focus a better idea came to me. I took my mobile phone from my purse and dialed 911. As it happened, a police car was on the parking lot for a routine status check. The police officers pulled into the parking slot next to mine. I looked in my rearview mirror and the smelly ape was now very antsy and was walking away. The officer driving the car quickly hopped out and went after the smelly ape. The other officer was a woman and she rolled down her window, so I rolled mine down, too. “Thanks for showing up so quickly. I don't know what the smelly ape wanted.”

“What is going on, anyway? The dispatcher said that you were unable to back up because that man would not move from behind your car and since we were on the same parking lot already doing a regular welfare check, we were probably here before she even got everything typed in.”

“Oh, I was in there drinking my machiatto and goofing off on my laptop when the smelly ape crashed across from me and expected me to like it. I packed up my laptop, grabbed my cup, and off I went. I guess he got his smelly ape feelings hurt because he stood behind me keep me from leaving. I guess he did not see me using the cell phone, or didn't care, or didn't see you on the parking lot. But then, I didn't see you, either.”

The officer made a few notes then used her walkie talkie to speak to her partner. “Ma'am, technically, he was in violation but the worst that is going to happen, in the big picture, is he gets your name. That is, if you file charges. If you are really wanting to take action, we'll cross the Ts and dot the Is, to be honest, to hurt him most and best, just write this all off and drive away. I'll tell him you said he was not worth your time or trouble and to cut him loose. His fragile male ego will be burst, you get to leave in peace, and he still has no real idea who you are.”

“Do it. That means I can leave now?”

“Yes ma'am. Have a nice night and I'll be sure and needle him for you.” The gleam in her eye promised that and more.

“Well, officer, you make a good case and I'll trust you to do what's best.” I waved and rolled up my window and backed away.

Chapter 22

More in my head... not sure when I'll get down onto a screen!