To The Bridge
By Marissa Lynn

Annika sat on the park bench, nursing her hot chocolate, flurries gently drifting down around her.

The last year went through her mind. 365 days ago, she resolved to fully take control, to live her life. It had started so well, so full of hope and possibility.

Then...yeah.

She looked over towards the bridge in the near distance. "I guess cocoa wouldn't have been the first choice for my last meal, but it is good. I can make it last a little longer. I'm not going anywhere anyway," she said quietly to no one in particular.

Earlier...

As she awoke, Annika felt so comfortable being spooned, Tony's arms around her. He wasn't a unicorn, but it turned out he was pretty darn good guy anyway.

They met when she stopped at the pizzeria where he worked. She was at an in-between stage, closer to leaving Drew behind and appearing more like herself, but not quite confident in her skills to pull it off.

But in any case, she felt something more than good customer service, especially after he came over to chat her up as she had her cheese slice and diet soda. He didn't do anything chasery, didn't even give her his phone number.

For his part, Tony came over because he was bored at first, but thought this person with the ash blonde hair was kind of cute, regardless of identity. Then it turned out they were engaging to talk to. And their name, Drew, could fit any gender.

After a couple more pizza lunches there, thanks to her job at a nearby bookstore, he asked, "I'm off tomorrow, would you like to go out? I know it's not the most original idea, but dinner and a movie? Your pick."

They wound up seeing a restored Marx Brothers movie at a revival house, as she'd always wanted to see something by them on the big screen.

The movie was early, so they went to some random bistro down the block. The dinner was good, but the conversation was even more enjoyable. They fell into an easy groove, one Annika hadn't felt with the first guy she dated.

Mark, who she'd met while still looking like a guy, seemed really nice at first, but then she realized he wasn't keen on being seen in certain places with her. She didn't have a chance to date guys before, not around Mom and Dad. But she knew enough not to settle for being a hidden secret.Then on their last date before she called it off, he started spouting off about the "trans agenda" like he was getting paid by Fox News.

Bullet dodged, especially as nice as Tony was. But still, even as andro as she'd been looking during her stops at Tonelli Pizza, she needed to tell him. And even though he showed no red flags, she wanted to make completely sure.

As they split a chocolate budino for dessert, she thought now was as good a time as any. "Tony, I just want to thank you for not being so hung-up on how I look."

"Why would I be? I really like you. You're a fantastic person."

"Woman. I mean, yes, I am a person, but I'm going to be transitioning. Like, soon," she replied.

Tony paused thoughtfully, taking it in. "I'd be less than honest if I tried to act surprised," he said. "I mean, even from the first time I saw you, I thought it might be possible. I didn't want to assume, but, you know, I just felt attracted to you, no matter who you were."

She exhaled in relief, "Whew. You didn't give me any indication you didn't, but you never know. So, I would love to go out on another date with you. Just one thing."

"Name it."

"Please don't call me Drew anymore. My parents named me Andrew and even shortening it, it doesn't feel right. I prefer Annika."

"Annika, it is, then. So, what would you like to do for a second date, Annika?"

Things moved quickly from there, a combination of how well they got along and Tony needing a new roommate after his brother, Rick, had a boyfriend to move in with.

Later, Annika reluctantly pulled herself from the spoon. Brushing her teeth, clad only in panties, she took stock of her body. It was only a few months, so she was nowhere close, but, she could see the improvement, the hints of curves, the softening in her face. That part about boob pain? Hadn't happened. Instead, they're itching like crazy.

"Morning beautiful," Tony said as he moved over her right shoulder to kiss her on the cheek.

"I'm so glad I left home. No. This is my home," she thought as she turned to kiss Tony back.

Later that day, she heard her phone buzzing. It was Lisa, her sister, the best part of growing up. The only one she still talked to.

Annika asked, "Hey, sis. What's up?," before she immediately knew something was wrong.

"It's Dad, Annika," Lisa said quietly. "We're at First General Hospital. They think Dad had a stroke. Mom's beside herself. If it was anything else, but- we need you here."

Annika was in shock. David Stevenson took reasonably good care of himself, even running the bake shop. The shop she was supposed to take over, but you have to live and breathe it. Not to mention his reminders of how Andrew needed to 'man up.' But, still, he let her go. She loved him and now- damn."

This whole time, she hadn't heard Tony asking her what was wrong. Completely on autopilot, she reached into the box in the bottom of her bedroom closet, pulling out a loose T-shirt, men's jeans and an old pair of sneakers, all "Andrew's."

"Honey. What is it?

"It's my father. Hospital. Stroke, they think, I gotta go," Annika said, hurrying to the bathroom sink so she could wash away all the traces of herself. Mom would lose it if she found out her son wasn't a son at all.

"I'll go with you, Annie. Just give me a minute."

"No!," she said more emphatically than she intended. "Sorry, it's just nobody knows besides Lisa. They don't know about me. And I can't go in there saying, 'Is dad okay? By the way, I'm a woman and this is my boyfriend."

Satisfied that she looked as much like her "twin" that she could, all traces of makeup gone, she said, "I'll let you know what's happening."

Tony embraced her tightly, but she said, "I. I need to go. I'm sorry."

There were aunts, uncles and cousins when Annika arrived, but she couldn't see her mother. Lisa made a beeline for her sister and took her aside.

"They have Dad stabilized. They say the next couple days will tell for sure, but they think he has a good chance to recover. Long-term, at least," Lisa said, before leaning in to whisper, "Sorry you have to be here like this, Annika."

"Yeah, well, it's what the Stevenson Men, do, right? We man up," she replied as the tears began flowing.

Those next 48 hours were a blur. Worries and stories. Prayers from those who still believed. Mom taking charge, as she always did. Annika remembered holding Dad's hand, talking to him and trying to will him back. He wasn't speaking, but things did improve. He was going to make it.

Annika kept up with Tony by text. He wanted badly to see her. She told him that she had to stay with family (of course Mom hadn't gotten rid of the old clothes that still fit), that now wasn't the time. She tried to force herself to play Andrew convincingly in front of everyone.

Sitting later at the computer desk in Andrew's bedroom, she got the rude awakening.

"Son, we need to talk," Maggie Stevenson said, giving Annika a stern look. "Good Oven has to reopen. The staff there can fill in, but we need someone who knows things the way your father does, like you do. He was training Carlos, but then he got an offer to have his own place upstate and it was too good. Andrew, you need to run Good Oven."

"Mom, I-I can't. I have a life I need to get back to. I have a good job," Annika said, stopping herself before she could say she had a boyfriend. "I can't do it now. Dad and I went over this. We went over this."

"I didn't like it then and I don't like it now," Maggie said. "Your father screwed up letting you slide. You might only care about yourself, but what about everybody who works at the shop? You need to stop being so selfish and be a man, Andrew. Do the right thing for once. And for God's sake, get a haircut and stop mincing around. I'm getting questions. It's embarrassing."

Crestfallen, Annika was alone with her thoughts, feeling absolutely lost. She could feel everything she'd built crumbling, nothing doing more damage than "friendly" fire, realizing she wasn't as free as she thought.

Dad built Good Oven from the ground up. She couldn't let it fail, not with everybody there. They didn't ask for this. "They shouldn't be hurt because I'm so self-absorbed. I, okay, I can do this. Until Dad comes back or we can find a replacement," Annika told herself. "But what do I tell Tony?"

"You can't be Drew again. It won't work. It will hurt you too much," Tony said in their apartment.

"You think I want to? Jesus, Tony. I have to put everything aside for this, but I can't just think about myself."

"What about us? Annika, things have been so good. I love you, but I can't watch you put yourself through this. I can't watch you destroy yourself to please other people."

"Nobody's asking you too. In fact, it's better if you don't."

"What?!?!?"

"Tony. You deserve better than me, to wait on me. I have to do this. I'm not going let you tell me I can't."

"Dammit, Annie-"

"Andrew. It has to be Andrew. Annika dated Tony. Andrew can't."

It degenerated from there -- two hurt people hurting each other and themselves. Andrew stormed out, leaving Tony alone in what used to be their apartment with nothing but himself and Annika's ghost.

Andrew settled into running Good Oven, picking up pretty quickly, trying to do as his father did. He managed to bury Annika enough that Maggie stopped giving him crap.

He tried to broach the idea of bringing one of the existing staff up to speed to take over, Mario and Lauren, especially. But Mom wasn't hearing it.

The bakery was churning out good product. The customers seemed happy. Andrew faked it, but Lisa was the only one paying attention enough to notice.

She tried to offer a shoulder to lean on, which he took advantage of at first, but eventually, he fell into a pattern -- Work, go home, stay in his bedroom alone, sleep, wake up, repeat.

Lisa felt powerless, watching her sister replaced by a zombie-eyed automaton. That light she got to see in Annika's eyes had disappeared. She was worried, but she had things on her plate, too, classes and exams.

Andrew avoided Maggie as much as he could. Like Lisa, he figured Queen Maggie wouldn't care.

But she was noticing. Andrew, even with his "differences" never caused any major trouble. But this. This Andrew, something wasn't right. Maybe she pushed him too hard. "David's getting better. He'd know what to say. I feel like I'm saving Good Oven, but losing my child," she thought.

The year was drawing to a close. Not even Christmas was drawing Andrew out of the steady spiral that was exponentially gaining speed. He never felt more fake, more detached from his own body, from the world. As he opened his last present with a plastic smile, it cemented it. This was a trap, one without an escape hatch. He was never getting out of this, unless...yes, this had to be it.

Over the next few days, he formulated his plan. Just a little shopping before then. New Year's Eve was a day off. No obligations, easy enough to slip away unnoticed. Mom had been bugging him to leave the house. Perfect.

That morning, Andrew got up early, feeling rather calm, knowing that Mom wouldn't be back for a couple hours. Out came a hidden stash -- Jeans, a cute pair of boots, a salmon-colored sweater, some make up and the one item of her old clothes she never gave up, this cute red coat.

Annika hadn't appeared in months, but she'd be the one to say goodbye. She'd written the note for Lisa, already sealed in the envelope. She'd have rather written it for someone else, but Lisa was the only one who knew her. Hopefully, she'll understand.

"Sorry, sis," she said.

She futzed around with her hair. Maggie had stopped nagging her about it, odd, but Annika was too far gone to notice. It had grown back enough that she could get it looking like a cute pixie cut.

With that, it was time. She knew where she needed to end, but there was one other goodbye to take care of first.

Meanwhile, Maggie had roped Lisa into finishing some errands with her. They stopped for a quick breakfast bite at some nice little corner spot.

"I'm worried about your brother, Lisa. Has he talked to you about anything?" Maggie asked.

"Not really, not for a while. What's wrong?"

"It's just. I don't know. I remember when Andrew was young, he used to have such a spirit about him, but then as he got older. And it seems worse now. I just. I don't know. I feel like I've failed him somehow."

"Well..."

"What, Lisa? Spit it out."

"Okay, Mom," Lisa said, setting down her bacon, egg and cheese and taking a deep breath, ready to say what she felt like she'd held on to for far too long. "Look, you and Dad always had your ideas about who Andrew should be. How to be a 'Stevenson Man.' Like you wanted Andrew to be a mini-me of Dad."

"That's not exactly-"

"Isn't it, though? Tell me that you didn't want Andrew there at Good Oven all along, taking over the family business. You forced him into it. You never gave him time to breathe. And then? Then, when Andrew finally breaks free of it all, this happens and, instead of letting Mario and Lauren take over, you guilt trip Andrew into coming back."

"But-"

"And it's not just about the business. Andrew had a life. Andrew had someone he loved and you just stripped it all away. All because you care too damn much about what other people think and too damn little about your own child. And it's destroying her. Jesus! You can't even see it! You never, ever notice how much you hurt her!"

Lisa's pent-up anger left her unable to realize that she'd just outed her sister, only registering the changed expression on Maggie's face.

"Her?"

"Dammit! She made me swear I would never tell, but you got me so upset. Screw it. Yes, her name is Annika. She left the house, left Good Oven, for a life as Annika. She had a great job, a really nice boyfriend who she gave up for you, who, by the way, is exactly the kind of guy you wish I'd bring home."

"I never knew," a shaken Maggie said. "How could I have known?" before memories hit, "Oh, God. I used to catch Andrew in my clothes. I made him stop."

"You did. You never gave her a chance. You never made things safe enough for her to tell you and Dad. So, there you go, you have two daughters. And I'm going to go check up on Annika now. You can finish this erranding yourself."

Into the doors at the Constacare Rehab Center, Annika made her way through, the workers not really paying attention. She knew the way to Dad's room, having been there so many times, encouraging him, her one source of light this whole time. Even if he likely wouldn't be the old Dave at Good Oven, he was coming back. He could communicate with a speech program on a tablet. Doctors felt he'd be able to talk soon. She felt bad she'd miss that, but things had to be done.

The tablet was set aside, but Annika didn't notice.

She stood before David and waved, that's when she realized he was asleep.

"Hi, dad. It's me. Surprise, I guess," she whispered.

"This is me, the real me. I know you always tried to make me a real man. I've tried almost all my life. I tried all these months since you've been sick and I just can't do it. It hurts too much. And there's no way out of it. Mom won't let me. Life won't let me. God, if she exists, doesn't care. I, I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I just, I just thought, you should meet the real me, to know that you have two daughters -- Lisa and Annika. That's me, Annika Louise Stevenson. I wish I could have gotten to know you, but, but maybe in another life."

She kissed the fingers of her right hand, touching his, saying, "Love you, daddy."

Annika turned and walked out the door, unaware that David had awakened and heard most of what she'd said. He thought he was dreaming it until she touched his hand, but he had no way to tell anyone. He reached as well as he could for the tablet. But then, he thought about the call button, which he began to press as urgently as he could.

Lisa arrived at the house. It was quiet. Annika might still be asleep, so she quietly went up the stairs.

Peeking into her room, she saw an empty box sitting on the bed and an envelope next to it, with the words, "Dear Lisa" written on it.

Lisa opened it.

"Oh, shit! No! Annika!"

An agitated David got the nurse to bring his tablet to him. He tried to get the message out as quickly as he could -- "Save my daughter. In danger. Save my daughter."

Nurse Perkins, one of his regulars, said, "Lisa? What's wrong."

David, with all the will he had, spoke: "No, Ann- Annika. Save. Annika. Tell Mag. Tell Lisa. Save Annika."

The nurse didn't know an Annika, but David was so emphatic, the pain in his face indicated something was wrong. She went to call Maggie Stevenson.

Lisa started frantically searching for her sister, but realized she needed to call her mother first.

"Mom! It's Annika!"

"What?"

"It's Annika. I got to the house and she wasn't there. I found a note."

Maggie's blood froze. "Note?"

"Yes! A note! She's going to hurt herself. She said I was supposed to tell you goodbye. We need to find her, and you'd better call her Annika if you find her first!"

"Oh, dear God! But how will I know how to find her?"

"Look. I've got some pics of Annika and I. I'll text them to you now. I have some ideas of where to look, I'm thinking closer to where she lived with Tony, by the river on the south side. He's the guy you'll see in some of the pics. Look, let's just find her. And remember, call her Annika!"

Lisa hung up. She sent Maggie the photos,went back to the house, got the keys to Dad's old beater where she knew they'd be and started driving to Annika's neighborhood.

Maggie's brain was partly going a million miles an hour, but maternal instinct, or maybe maternal adrenaline, had her focused. This was all such a shock, but she loved her child. Her daughter? So be it, her daughter. She had no frame of reference, so she paused to thumb through the photos. She saw a smile she hadn't seen since, what, early grade school? Her daughter, looking the exact opposite of what she'd been seeing lately, full of life instead. Annika needed that life. Maggie knew she had to make it right.

Her phone buzzed. It was the rehab facility, which sent her into new worry.

"Is something wrong with David?"

"No, not anything like that," Nurse Perkins said. He just spoke, in fact. Does the name Annika mean anything to you?"

"Where could she be? I can't call the cops, because they might make it worse," Lisa thought, racking her brain as she looked at her phone, thumbing through the pictures of the two of them when something caught her eye.

It was a day where two of them went to an exhibit about outsider music at this museum, then they went and hung out at Riverbank Park. Her and Annika, big smiles together, the bridge behind them.
She quick dialed. "Mom, you're closer to Riverbank Park than I am. Go there now! The park first before the bridge! I think that's where Annika is!"

"Oh, God. I'm two blocks away! I'll call you!"

Lisa thought, "Please still be there, girl. I know you. Please be there."

She knew she had one more call to make, dialing the number.

Maggie reached the intersection catty corner from the park. She started scanning, looking for anyone who might be her. It'd been so long since she'd told her not to dress like that, no, not time for that. She looked at her texts again, at the pictures Lisa had sent her. There it is, red long coat. Shorter hair now, but long red coat.

As she reached the park's edge, she started yelling, "Annika! Annika! Annie!, then quieter, "Please God, please don't be on that bridge. Please don't let me be too late!"

Annika was enjoying the warmth inside. The second hot chocolate steeled her nerves. "After all, I don't think anyone would deny the condemned having two cocoas instead of one," she thought, grimly chuckling to herself.

An anguished voice punctured her depressed reverie.

"Annika! Annika!"

"That has to be another Annika. Wait. Mom?"

As she turned in the direction of the voice, Maggie spotted that telltale coat. "Annika, stay there! Please! Don't move!"

Her first impulse was to think, "No, you'll spoil everything, go away" until she realized, "She's not calling me Andrew? How the hell does she know?"

"Oh, thank God, Annika," Maggie said as she sat down next to her, immediately giving her a big hug, trying to embrace some will to live back into her.

"I'm so sorry, Annika. Please stay with us. I won't let you go."

"But, how? I never t-?"

"Your sister told me today. She slipped when she was defending you. I'm so sorry and I know your dad is, too. We had no idea, but we should have."

Annika was shocked, but managed to get the words out. "I wanted to tell you, but I never could. You'd tell me 'boys don't do that', 'man up', all that stuff."

"I was wrong, Annika," Maggie said, making sure to repeat the name. "I couldn't put my finger on it. But ever since you came back, I could see something was wrong. Like it wasn't just you having to run the bakery, which I know you don't want to do. But finding this out, it's like the puzzle pieces are in place. There were signs I missed, things I thought were a phase. But it's starting to make sense now."

"It hurts so much. How can I trust you now? After all these years?

"One, I'm here, Annika. I don't want to lose you, ever. And your father? He knows. You got him to speak! He told the nurse I was supposed to save you and he knew you're Annika."

"Oh, my God. He heard me. I went to see him first, to say goodbye. I thought he was asleep."

"I guess you woke him up. You and Lisa woke us both up. Look, if you want to leave Good Oven, you have my full permission. I'm Queen Maggie, you know. And yes, I know you and your sister call me that."

"Wow, I-"

"And if you want to stay, or need to stay until you can find the job you want, I want you there as Annika, as long as you're comfortable."

"I just don't know what to say. When I was a kid, I used to dream about you and Dad-, but I never believed it could happen."

"Believe it," Maggie said, grasping Annika's arm firmly. "I want us as a family, all four of us, your father and I. You and Lisa. And honestly, I want you and I to go to counseling, because I never want us to get to this point again."

"I think I'd like that, Mom and, yeah, I think we both could really use it," Annika replied, hope outweighing despair for the first time in forever. "I'd really like th-Tony?!?!?"

She saw her sister and her ex approaching her.
Lisa sprinted ahead getting there first, "Oh, my God, Annie. Never do this again. Never!"

"I won't. I promise," Annika said, pulling back to look Lisa in the eyes. "I'm so sorry. I promise. Your kid sister's not going away. Ever."

"She'd better not," Lisa said as they resumed hugging. She looked over at Tony. She told Annika, "By the way, Tony made sure I kept all your clothes and stuff safe for you. Except he couldn't find your coat."

Lisa was now seeing in Tony's face what he'd lost over all these months and what he'd almost lost today. She turned Annika slightly so she could see that expression,too.

Even waterproof mascara can only hold up so long. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd have moved on by now," Annika asked him.

"How could I? I've missed you every day and now this, I, I never should have let you."

"I pushed you away as much as you pulled away. I didn't want you to be around me because it would have hurt me too much. I'd have reminded me of what I lost, that I couldn't be Annika anymore."

"So, I was your first step in giving up?"

She hadn't thought of it that way, "I suppose so. I mean, you didn't really fight it."

"No, I didn't," Tony replied. "But I'm going to now. I'm not leaving you easily, Annika. Or Drew. No matter what. Remember that first time you walked into Tonelli's? I didn't know either name. I just thought, 'This person is likeable and they're cute."

Trying in vain to hold back tears, she said. "Annika. It's going to be Annika."

"Damn right she is." Everyone realized at the same moment that it was Maggie who said it.

"Mom, I don't know about you, I could use a hot chocolate? You two, too?? My treat," Lisa said.

Tony and Annika nodded as Lisa motioned her mother to join her on the walk to the cart.

"You two. I like the sound of that," Annika said, kissing Tony before they hugged tightly. Between mom, Lisa and him, she was starting to feel secure in a way she hadn't had for a long time, if ever..

"Me, too. You know, I'd planned on spending tonight with my family, but if it's okay with you, I'd rather-"

"Yes, Tony, Yes. I'd like that. A lot. And I don't think they'd mind. I think we need to see Dad first. I'd say you could join us later, but I have a feeling you'd rather stay with me and, I guess it's about time my father met my boyfriend, right?"

"Sure," Tony said, holding her hand as she placed her head on his shoulder "Our cocoa's here."

Maggie and Lisa handed them the drinks. "I called your father to let him know you're okay. He told me to say he loves you."

"Oh, Dad," Annika started to cry again.

"I guess nobody will mind if the pardoned has three cocoas for a meal," she thought, her eyes, through the tears, showing a light that hadn't been there for a long time.

Maggie lovingly put a hand on her youngest daughter's shoulder. "Welcome to the Stevenson women. It looks like we're off to a good head start on the new year."

"Definitely," Annika said, as she resolved to herself that this New Year's, she would stay around to see the next year, to see her future.

Feeling her mom's and Tony's touch, seeing Lisa's warm face, knowing that Dad loved her, she knew she wouldn't be doing it alone.

She would live.