The same old argument raved again.
“Look, how can you not understand that I have always needed to be a woman?”
“You stupid fuckin faggit, all I ever wanted was a man with a dick! I told you 20 fuckin years ago that if you wanted that, you need to go be a whore or find yourself a rich man to do that for you! You sure as hell don’t fill my needs! All you are is a goddamned fag that couldn’t accept the fact that he was gay so he thought he had to be a female!”
“You sorry motherfucker, I told you 2 months after the first time we fucked who I was and you gave me the same ultimatum, so I tried my best to be who you wanted me to be! I wanted to be loved so badly and you took advantage of me and controlled me! I was 29 goddamned years old before you even let me grow my hair longer than a couple of inches! Even then, you didn’t let it be, I had to force it on you! I had to fight you to be able to go to school! And you wanna talk about sexual needs, we haven’t fucked for damn near 12 years!”
“Well I never wanted a woman and I told you that to start with! I told you from the start that if you wanted to be a woman I didn’t want a thing to do with you!”
“Yeah, then you fucked me half silly all that night and called me your woman when you came! Look, What I’m bitching about right now is the fact that I feel like you stole my entire life from me. You insisted I work the jobs you wanted me to work and look the way you wanted me to look and I knuckled under. You made me pretend to be a boy for 20 fucking years and it damn near killed me! It still might! I’m at a point right now where either I start to make some movement toward being myself or I’m just going to stop living because I can’t stand it anymore! Can you not understand that it is either this or suicide? I’m not threatening and I love you with all my heart, but I can’t continue this way!”
“ Yeah, well you cost me my life too! I might not live all that much longer and you’ve never given me any dick, not once!”
“You know I tried! I tried my best to give you what you wanted and even when you tried to suck me off in my sleep it went soft. I’m just not able to give you that and you know it! I told you 10 years ago that I was willing to just be a shemale and never go all the way if that was what it took to keep you and I still am! You couldn’t even handle that!”
She turned on him and started screaming even louder than they already had been. “I’ve given up everything about myself and I just can’t do it anymore! I thought I could just wait, but I can’t! You and your stupid antiquated notion that I just wanted to be a woman because I couldn’t handle being queer is wrong! Get outta the fucking 1960’s already!”
She collapsed in tears, unable to do anything more than sob incoherently as he continued raving at her.
“You’ll never work again! The entire neighborhood hates you just because you’re white and they know we’re a couple, they’ll fuckin kill you! I hate women and you know that!”
She looked up at him, the pendulous bulbs of incipient tears hanging from her eyelids. She dashed the tears from her eyes, heedless of the fact that she couldn’t see through the new ones that replaced them. “You can hate all you want, and they can hate all they want, but I’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than this way!” She gestured down at herself. If they wanna give me trouble, I’ll go down fighting and I’ll burn the entire fucking neighborhood down rather than put up with the hate and intolerance you’ve shown towards me! You think I’m kidding? I mean it literally, I will kill every man, woman and child in this fucking hood rather than give in at this point! I am at the end of my rope!”
Her voice softened and the tears began again. “Can’t you understand I’ve held it as long as I can and I’m about to explode? Enough with the hate, enough with your hate. I don’t care that you hated your mother! I hate mine too and I had a hell of a lot better reason than you did! I don’t care if these people hate me for being white, or for being transgendered, or whatever reason they might have in their own minds. I am going insane here, trying to be who you want me to be and I can’t do it anymore! I simply can’t survive this way any longer!”
His tone was conciliatory, in a guarded way. “Look, I love you, but I don’t know if I can handle this and I know damn well you’ll never work in this town again. You can grow tits all you want and you’ll still look like a six foot tall ugly ass drag queen! Why couldn’t you just be a normal queer?!” He was shouting again by the end of his statement.
She managed to sob out “I’ve never been a normal queer! I tried so hard to make you happy and it didn’t work. I tried to be butch and it didn’t work. I tried everything to be the man you wanted me to be but it doesn’t work and it never will! Underneath all this crap, I’m a woman and I always have been! One way or the other, I will be! I don’t care anymore if you hate me or if the whole world hates me!”
“Look, you can either accept me as I am or bury me” She caught her breath with a ragged sob,” or, if you are still ashamed of me, you can damn well just let the state bury me. I don’t care anymore. I don’t have a choice here anymore. I can live as who I am, or I can die as who I am. That choice, right this very moment, is up to you. Accept me and I will fight to the bitter end. Reject me and I will leave this world, and you.”
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Please stay with us!
And be yourself, for yourself, first and foremost!
Faraway
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Get Away!
Theide,
Please get away from that man,
Joanne
Fight For Your Life!
Fight and don't let the creeps win! You have the Right to be yourself! BE yourself!
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
tender loving misogynist
Hi Theide:
Of all the authors here you have the distinction of us---your readers, your friends---knowing just how autobiographical stories like these are. So we're as often giving advice as we are critiquing your literature. I wish I had meaningful advice, but I don't. Like you I feel I'd put up with nearly anything to feel loved, but I've never had a relationship so I can't say what I'd do or what you should (and I wonder who of the two of us has it worse. The history of a total lack of tenderness in my life has made my heart black, my outlook just about hopeless...); but I do feel for you and care for you lots. I get the impression from things you've said that this story is what it's like at its worst, and that at other times it's pretty nice. I sure hope so.
As a story though (here I'm on safe ground) this is fantastic. Raw, honest, great dialogue, illuminating an aspect of transgender life that rarely gets explored and that people need to hear about- gay misogyny and transphobia. As somebody who identified (misidentified) as a gay male for decades I ran into some of this, got kicked out of a few gay bars for going ballistic on some fag for making sexist, misogynistic remarks. I was a feminist I told myself, which was true and still is but this was only a small part of the truth. What's wrong with some of these homos, I'd wonder, don't they identify with women like I do? Later I'd figure out that most don't, they're quite happy with the equipment they were born with, and weren't like I was. It wasn't much of a problem over the course of an afternoon or a night that after I blew them I didn't want them to reciprocate, but I could see how it would be over a sustained relationship.
"Don't even touch it, it's depressing!" I'd tell whoever.
"What do you mean depressing?"
"I don't know, it just is..."
Maybe I've got a story to write in that, my dawning awareness that I wasn't gay but a girl...
Writing is the one consistantly satisfying thing in my life, as is reading the stories
here at BCTS. Anyway thanks for yours Theide, and I'll stop my incoherent rambling.
~~~hugs, Laika
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
Thanks
Thank you for your comments and concern. I think Laika caught on to exactly what I was trying to do here.
Yes, it is autobiographical, intensely so, but I tried to explore the truth of misogyny. Straights don't have a monopoly on that, far from it.
Anyway, just thanks.
Starting read back on your blog to get some background on "South
"Southern Comfort". Jeez this whole thing is absurd. Not you Theide, this posturing et al.
I think the GLBT community has a chance to show everyone else better, to NOT fall into this crap. Instead I read this and see a GAY White male acting like his typical sexist straight counterpart from the same time period. I had also heard that there are some Gay WHITE males who don't get racism, someone I know talking about a Donahue which discussed this. It took the active discrimination of coming out for them to wake up.
The idea of being Gay should be you don't need to posture, you can throw the Gender role thing(in regards to clothing) in the trash. I mean the chances are the average perception will be if you come out they'll tack on most of the dress behavior as being Gay. As a Gay male there's just a broader swath here. Unless you're in a job which demands some masculinity, excessively so in behavior and dress, why bother? Though Gay men were the leader in that stupid Butch posturing back in the day(see Spartans) so I shouldn't be surprised. The irony there is Straight men aping Gay men once again.
Anyway, along the lines of falling against the grain, what about the Butch Lesbians that hit their partners? There seems to be a popular mythos in the media that the MARBLE(married but Lesbian) woman getting away from their abusive husband and getting into a nice happily ever relationship with a woman. It should be that way but sadly it isn't always. This is one of the big things that should have the thunder called down on.
Anyway, there you are.