Some times the events that occur during our childhood can have major affects on us as adults. Some of those events if tragic enough can have disastrous affects on all aspects of our life as adults. This is one story of a man trying to put his life back together as an adult. This is of course, fictional but the reality is there are many adults trying.

Karen had been very patient with her husband Jacob for their seven years of marriage. She knew that he still didn't entirely trust her with their six year old son and that frustrated her. She felt like he was afraid she would hurt him and he was so extremely protective of the child. His protective nature kicked into high gear when women were around. She wasn't sure how much longer she could endure his endless questioning any time she was alone with him.

Karen knew he was harboring a big secret about his past and she knew it was dark. That was one of the secrets he wouldn't ever tell her no matter how hard she tried to bring it out. He just shut down any time she tried to bring the matter up. He would either leave the house or he would start ranting at her. During one recent time she tried to bring it up, he uttered to her the hateful words that she couldn't ever forget, "Karen I know you want to know but I don't care what you want. One of the things that life had taught me was that no woman is emotionally stable enough to be entrusted with the welfare of a child. So drop it before I take little William away and you wont ever find us. I am warning you."

That thought and what he said to her will stay with her for ever. She cried and left the room. It stung. After she recovered enough and she was sitting there on her bed thinking, it occurred to her that he was badly wounded by some event in his childhood that made him distrusting of women to a horrible extreme. She stayed with him because she loved him, and she felt he needed love very badly. Anyway, she thought, his protective nature toward their son William was a good thing. She was sure no one would ever hurt William as long as Jacob was able to protect him.

She heard Jacobs car pull into the driveway in the middle of her late night musings over her husband. She heard the front door open and close. She waited for him to come join her in their bed.

To her sadness, she heard him walk into their Sons bedroom instead. Of course he would want to talk to him about how he spent his day with her alone. He was always suspicious of leaving him alone with her.

She listened into him questioning him about their day. He asked the child if she did anything with him that made him uncomfortable. He questioned him over and over seeing if anything he said was hesitant like she compelled him to lie. In the end, he was satisfied and as he walked out, she approached him, "Now that you I didn't harm William today maybe you can join me. I pray one day you will trust me."

He looked at her thoughtfully and bit out, "Why do you want me to trust you, so you can break it. Karen that will never happen. Lets go to bed now."

They laid down in their bed together and she couldn't sleep. The fact that he couldn't trust her wasn't his fault. His distrust spoke of a open wound that never healed and that made her very sad. She knew he wouldn't ever begin to heal until he could talk about what happened in order to resolve it. But she knew if she pushed him to hard to tell that he would make good on his threat to leave her and take their child with him.

She turned to her husband, "Do you really love me, Jacob I mean really? I need to know tonight."

"Yes Of course I do. There are some problems with my life that I am working on my own. Thats all. Since we married you know I love you. "

She bit her bottom lip, "But you don't trust me. How can you explain that. I always figured marriage was also about trust."

"You figured wrong so where are we going with this line of questioning. I hope you arent trying to figure out what happened to me as a child or trying to get me to talk to mom again. "

She sighed in exasperation, "No I am not trying to get you to talk to your mother again. I just need to know what happened to you. I am your wife, I need to know these things."

For the first time in their marriage, she was genuinely afraid of him after she told him that.

He stood up and started yelling at her. She knew he was enraged, his face was red and his eyes were very angry. He raised his fist as he was about to hit her hard.

"You women just cant let anything lie can you," He raged loudly. "Why cant you stop asking me that. You must know now how bringing up that part in my life effects me. I should knock you out, bitch!"

he stood over her quivering with rage, she was curled up on the bed looking up at his fist fearfully. He suddenly relaxed out of his rage. "I am sorry Karen. I am leaving now" Without another word he left the room and she heard him pull out of the driveway.

She was willing to forgive that explosion. She knew he didn't hurt her and now, she figured he wouldn't ever. She curled up and tried to sleep.

Karen hoped her husband would come back tonight.

She was right, several hours later she heard him pull into the driveway and walk into their bedroom. He sat down on the side of the bed and she could tell he was afraid now. He said in a small voice full of fear and sorrow, "I am so sorry for that Karen. I hope you don't want me to leave now. Please don't but I will leave if you want me to, what do you want me to do."

She felt him brace himself, she looked up at his face and she knew he had been crying. she got up and embraced him, "Now how could I want you to leave? I love you and I am sorry for pushing you. I will not ask you that again. If you are ever ready I am here to talk. Lets go to bed, love."

forty five minutes after they had laid down to go to sleep, he sit up, she sighed. She was nearly asleep. He suddenly said, "It was so bad during my childhood that by the time I was ten, I absolutely knew without a doubt that I would die before I ever became an adult. I just knew my mother would Kill by before that. You do not know what it is like being that young and so afraid every day. When I went to school, I just knew all of the other boys were so afraid of their mothers because that's how I was. I just assumed everyone was like me. I often went to school with bruises and cuts.

Most of the other teachers thought I was disabled or retarded and that explained it. You see, I didn't talk much and most of the teachers were women. And for me, I had a complete petrifying fear of adult women when I was a kid. My body shook, I couldn't speak to a woman. I could hardly make my body move. I was just in total terror in the presents of adult women so they assumed I was retarded or some other mental disability. I assumed all women were sadistic and totally Cruel. Like my mother. I don't speak about her but tonight, I decided you do need to know. My mother was Janice Wagner. She has billions and her and her best friend own a multi billion dollar company. They practically own an entire county and they run it their way. No one speaks out against them. I remember one woman that tried to go up to the state and she was soon arrested on bogus drug charges. I got away from her and I hope she is out of our life for ever.

He took off his clothes in front of her. Something that he never had done before in their life. She realized why. All across his back and chest were long scares from either an extension cord or something. And his chest was covered in burns. She assumed they were from a cigarette. But something else caught her attention. There were long surgical scars under his nipples. He pointed to them and asked, "Do you see those, Karen. the scars do you recognize them?"

She was taken back speechless. They looked like the scars women might have after they have had implants.

"Yes I think that you do. When I was fourteen years old, My mother forced me to get breast Implants. She tried, well she made me go to high school as a girl. I was signed into high school as Tiffany Wagner. "

"She got me a new wardrobe, New identification, And new body parts to match. I looked just like any other girl, except larger breasts and skankier clothes. I was pretty much a slut, forced to of course. I hated it and it drove me to a few suicide attempts. Do you see that butterfly tattoo on my butt cheek? "

"Well you can now see why I am the way I am. You can see the story of my childhood in the video tapes in the basement, that room that I keep locked. I kept those in case I ever want to try to file some kind of suit against my mother. So far I doubt it world get anywhere. With her money and lawyers, she would be able to bog the case with motions and motions, probably buy a judge to suppress everything I had or she would get some guys to come here and finish us. But here's the key. you can go see. I will be waiting here and we can talk. Karen, Tonight I have realized I am in desperate need of help before I destroy everything in our family. I realized that tonight when I stopped my car on the train tracks going out of town waiting for a train. Can you Please help me, Karen.

She hugged him and said, "Yes Of course. I will make some calls to several very experienced therapists I know and we will decide how best to help you. Jacob, I love you.