Pat is back on familiar grounds. Returning as one messed up Lili, she finds comfort in a familiar face and learns a bit more about her past. This is the final chapter that sets the stage for the next chapter that would strengthen her resolve and help her make her final decision. By the way, did she really left Earth for 80 years? The Half-Lilin Chapter 11 by Shin Eris

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From last chapter:

 
I was really annoyed. I really had no interest in talking about it to anyone. Her persistent interruption to my peaceful little space became really irritating though, so I snapped my fingers.

"Aww, my face! My face!" she cried as her head burned fiercely.

I noticed every Lilim sitting in the clearing was looking at us. Mother was looking at me disapprovingly, but said nothing. I didn't understand what the big deal was, she was bugging me.

"You damned bitch!" she cried again as she ran around with her hands trying to douse the flames without much success.

She ended up hitting her head on a tree, fell unconscious, at the same time setting fire to the tree. Several other Lilim went to her and after a few minutes successfully doused her flaming head.

I just walked away.

I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 
Chapter 11
 

I felt the air went 'pop' as the familiar surrounding materialized in front of me. It was amazing that even after all these years; my room was still the same as when I left it 80 years ago. I took a step forward, hitting my knees on the bed.

I turned around as Mother tapped me on my left wing. "There will be some disorientation. You will find that the time that has passed in Assiah is not as long as you may have experienced in Ashmedan".

Cocking my head, I asked, "What do you mean, Mother?"

"Time is not as uniform as humans want to believe, especially when we're talking about time in Sheol. The length and perception of time is different, depending on where you stand."

I couldn't understand a single word, and it must've showed because she clarified, "In other words, time in Heaven, Assiah and Sheol is different. In Sheol, time also goes by differently, at a different pace, depending on which layer the realm was situated in."

"So you're saying that in the material world, I have not been away for 80 years?"

"Yes, I meant exactly that. Ashmedan is quite deep within Sheol, so the time difference is very significant."

I looked around me. Looking at the bedroom that I thought I'd left 80 years ago. Running my forefinger on the surface of the bedside drawer, I noticed the lack of dust which lent credence to Mother's words. I couldn't have left this place for too long.

"How long have I left this world?"

She smiled. "You'll find out. I'm going back to Yenne Velt. Come back once in a while. You should know how to do that by now."

With that last word, I felt the air thicken and and the light distort around her. Not 5 seconds later, her body distorts and disappears from view. By pure impulse, I waded the air where she was just now with my arms to see if she was still there. She was not.

I looked around me again, dawn light was streaming pass the curtains through the open window. It has been so long since I left this place, even if in this world's pace, I haven't been away for that long. Has anything changed? I couldn't even recall exactly how this place looked like to decide if anything was different.

Standing at the door, I let out a deep breath and turned the knob. I poked my head into the corridor, curious, or maybe apprehensive about going out of my room. You see, I have left this place for so long that it doesn't feel like my apartment anymore. It no longer feels like home.

Seeing no one in the hallway, I walked out slowly, almost hesitantly, but I knew that this was my home and I needed to make it mine again.

I walked into the kitchen, noticing a burn mark and a lump of... uhh, whatever it was, it was black and hard. I vaguely recalled being the one who caused it, though I couldn't recall how or what it was exactly. I touched the lump, it was crumbly and coarse, again I wondered what it was.

Then I moved to the doorway, onward to the living room. I noticed the smashed souvenir closet, its contents missing. At first I thought I was robbed, but then I recalled a particularly embarrassing encounter with Shaina, my supposed-to-be mentor. That memory of losing control to my own instincts was particularly embarrassing, but she was my mentor, so she was supposed to be able to handle anything I could've thrown at her. Besides, I wouldn't lose control if she didn't amplify my own darkness with that corruption beam.

As I walked into the living room, I noticed a foot sticking out of the end of the long couch. Who was it? Little Tell perhaps? She should know that she wasn't supposed to be watching TV til so late. I stopped in my tracks, wondering, how old was Little Tell anyway? What day is this? When is this?

It was then that I noticed the foot was wearing a pair of man's boots. Little Tell would never wear men's attire. She was a girly girl and from what I noticed, very proud of it. So I walked around the couch and was puzzled by what I saw. There was a man there, sleeping on the couch. His face was quite familiar, but I couldn't recall who it was, until a sudden burst of memory washed over me.

Why is HE here? This is my house, isn't it?

I looked around me, studying every little details of the room. Yes, I recalled getting that trophy in junior high. That picture on the wall, depicting a scene in some medieval battle was a Christmas gift from Little Tell during her junior year at college. Everything here pointed to this being my apartment.

So why is he here?

Only then I noticed that I was starving. For the last 80 years, I had to beg for every scrap from Asmodeus, sometimes I had to beg to be tortured just for a small meal. It was even worse when he cut my horns thus cutting my ability to consume Sheol’s ethereal energies, making me feel like starving to death. Looking at his sleeping form, my mouth started to drool. A sudden thought entered my mind, telling me that I must resist. It puzzled me, why must I resist? It was my right to eat anyone I wanted. Besides, he was the one trespassing into my area, so he was mine to do with as I wished.

I lay on top of him on the couch. Nudging his lips with my own, I said, "Wakey wakey, my delicious meal. Wake up and let me eat you",

----

Oh, that was wonderfully good. I hadn't had a meal this good since 80 years ago. I licked my lips, savouring the delicious taste, recalling the wonderful joy I felt at finally being able to feed again. It almost made me weep at how much I craved a real meal, how much I missed doing this.

But then, my brain cleared and I recalled why I wanted to resist before this. I hated this man. I hated him with every fibre of my being. Opening my eyes, I got up from my position beside him on the floor and started to stand. A hand shot up and held my right one.

"Where are you going, doll? Come snuggle for a bit longer. I've missed you."

"Hands off, Chris," I said coldly.

"Aww jeez, Pat. Would you slow down a moment? Lay back down with me," he replied, his tone as if pleading.

"Get it off me, or I'll break it into two. Your choice."

"Seriously?"

"Try me," I said, making sure that my tone was menacing. I wasn't sure if it worked.

I must've succeeded because he let go of my hand. I took the opportunity to stand up and walk to the couch. When I tried to sit on the couch, I was hit with a sharp pain as my wings were crushed between me and the soft cushion. I mentally hit myself for forgetting to switch into my human form. I've been using this form for too long that I have forgotten that I was originally human.

I stood up again, closed my eyes and tried to focus on my human form. It was so hard now to imagine how I used to look like, and I had to spend a particularly long time just to imagine my body without the wings, horns, tail and fangs. I ended up with a model of my lilin-self, minus the wings, horns, tail and fangs of course.

I think I did a good job. I touched my teeth. Good, no fangs, I thought. Then I touched my hair. So long and soft, or did I have a short hairstyle before this? Then I touched my boobs. Hm, nice, pert and supple, I don't think these needs to be changed. Oh it's good being a Lili.

I heard Chris's voice through my self-groping, "What's the big hurry, Pat? You're not going anywhere, so why can't we just lie down for a while longer?"

I didn't reply. Clothes. Humans wear clothes. Should I fetch one from my closet? No, I think a simple ethereal manipulation should do it, I thought as I imagined a particular dress that would look good on me.

"Seriously, Pat. We just made love, we don't need to..."

"We didn't make love," I said, cutting him off, "We fucked. Making love happens when both sides love each other. I don't love you".

I found it hard to breathe, as if my lungs were compressed. What's up with that? Maybe it was the strain of manipulating ether, I thought as the soft blue sleeveless dress formed in my mind and on my body. I wasn't sure about this colour though, maybe I should look at myself in the mirror to see if the clashing colours between the dress and my hair work. Maybe I should've chosen a darker blue? Doesn't matter, I can always change the colour later.

"Ouch," I heard him say. I opened my eyes as my dress formed and looked at his pained face, and suddenly I felt sorry for saying it.

"Why do you always deny it? Do you really hate me that much?"

I couldn't answer. Do I really hate him? Yes, yes I do.

He stood up now. Grabbing his briefs, he said, "You know what, I give up now. It was stupid of me to aim for the moon. I never should've clung to that promise we made when we were kids".

His words jolted me, "You mean you actually remember the promise we made, back in Halloween a long time ago?"

"Of course, don't you? It was in my mind the whole time. That was probably the clearest childhood memory that I have," he replied as he reached for his pants.

I didn't know what to say. The only reason I managed to remember that particular memory was because Mother showed it to me. And here he was telling me that he recalled that painful memory all these time? My eyes became moist as I imagined how torturous it must've been.

I hugged him from behind, just when he was about to reach for his shirt.

I guess it must've shocked him. "Stop! What are you trying to do? Would you please stop this? I finally got the strength to leave you and now you're trying to reel me back in. Don't you think it's enough?"

My tears fell like a broken dam. It fell on his back and flowed downward like a river.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I said.

He turned around. "Too late, I've waited for you for twenty years while watching you ignoring me for half of that time. I've embarrassed myself, did things I should never do, just so that you would notice me. My shrink even suggested that I spend some time at a funny farm to teach me how to control my anger and self-loathing. I was such a fool that I waited for you all these years, losing my sanity with each passing day. That stops here. Let me go, Pat. I won't bother you anymore."

Through my tears and weeping, I said, "No, I'm not talking about that. I'm just sorry that you have to suffer with bearing that memory. Until Mother showed me, I didn't even remember that promise. Now you're telling me that you have never forgotten it. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We never should've made that promise. Mother said it would make it worse if I fought it."

I looked up at his face, and caressed his left cheek with the back of my hand. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

When he held me in his arms, it was so unexpected that I cried harder. "Ssh, calm down. I don't blame you for that promise. I was after all the one who proposed to you, when we were both too young to actually know what we were doing. So it was my fault really, but I just kept hoping that you would one day honour that promise and we would be able to love each other the way we promised to a long time ago."

I buried my face in his broad chest. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. To be told that all these years he has been waiting for me, for my heart and how he must've suffered watching me ignore him. Suddenly everything became clear.

My mind replayed the first time I started to hate him. It was after a soccer match in junior high. I stumbled on a rock and would've been kissing the rough ground if not because the striker from the other team caught me in time and got me back on my feet. I was about to thank him when Chris simply strode by and gave him a swift punch on the guts.

Then I replayed the time when a couple of bullies pushed me to a corner and demanded my lunch money. I never liked being pushed around, but I hated fighting even more. Ignoring the two bullies didn't work, so I decided to do the other thing that I hated. I was about to fight them when Chris came out of nowhere and brought them down with two well placed fists. When this happened, I was already annoyed at Chris for always showing off his muscled body in gym class that I decided to ignore him and walk away. I heard the next day that Chris was suspended for causing the hospitalization of the two bullies. Seemed like he continued to beat them up after I left. I remember being disgusted at him when I found that out.

Then I recalled the week before prom. Then my first date in college. Then the time when me and Rachel Wilkins were partners for the research paper. Suddenly it all made sense now. He was jealous. Even as a guy, he wanted me for himself, and it pained him so much that I kept ignoring him.

My tears anew, I pitied him for his suffering. I thought the geas had been cruel on me, but it seemed like the geas was even crueler on him. It hurt him so much that he became cruel and wretched himself. I suddenly regretted ignoring him, wishing that I could turn back time and stop his downward spiral.

"I'm sorry. Please, let me make it up to you," I said as I dropped to my knees.

"Hey hey, Pat. Stop! What are you trying to do?"

"Penance. I want to apologize," I said, my hands tugging softly on his belt.

-----

I leaned back against him on the couch. My back on top of his naked upper body, with his arms possessively around me and my hands above his. His nose was sniffing around on my hair. A few times he would inhale and sometimes he would blow at the top of my head. For some reason, I found it to be really comforting.

I snuggled closet to him, "Are you sure you don't want any compensation?"

"Well, I'll probably regret it soon," he said, his face pressing against the upper part of my head, "but I know this is enough".

I purred as he softly blew at the top of my head again. "This is enough for you?"

"You have no idea how much I've wanted to do this for the past 20 years, Pat. How much I wanted to hold you in my arms, to cuddle with you on a lazy Sunday morning, to kiss you and tell you that I love you, and to hear you reply with the same words. Yes, this is enough for me. I would have no regret if I die now," he said.

I pushed his arms aside and sat straight on the couch. Turning around facing him, I said with a serious tone, "If you want to die now, I can help you. I've wanted to kill you since junior high".

He looked... cautious now. I think he actually believed me. Maybe I should've threatened him with murder before this. Maybe that would've spared me from all those abuses I suffered at his hands.

"You're not really going to do that, are you?" he said, his expression doubtful.

I decided to play this a bit longer, "Who knows? Maybe I would, you're not really the easiest person to live with, you know?"

He grabbed my hands softly, "Oh come on, Pat. I know I haven't exactly been a model citizen before this, but for you, for us, I promise that I'll make this work. To love and to hold, in sickness and in health. This I promise you, my love".

For some reason I felt like throwing up at hearing such sweet words. I wondered how people could stand it at weddings. Freeing my right hand from his, I patted his cheek and said, "Honey, I'm not sure if I can handle being called 'my love' at the moment. It's far too sweet for me".

"What? I thought girls love sweet things?"

I threw him a smile, and said, "Not this girl".

"Well at any rate, you should call your sister. She left to search for you as soon as I arrived."

"Why was she searching for me? Wait, I change the question. Why are you even here?"

"Well, you've been away for two days, without telling anyone. Everyone's worried, you know. Besides, look around you. The house looks like it was trashed by the mob. You would be worried too if Stella went missing after looking at the state of this house."

I mumbled, "It's really not that bad..."

"As for me, I called here yesterday morning. Your sister picked it up and she was delirious. I couldn't understand a single word she said. So I told her that I'd swing by and she could compose herself to tell me what she wanted to tell you."

"So what did she tell you?"

"She was afraid that you were mad at her."

"Mad at her? Mad for what?"

"She told me that you don't approve of her being intimate with Liz."

"What? When did I ever say that?" I asked, because it was absolutely ludicrous. I myself had enjoyed some girl-on-girl actions too for the last 80 years. Okay, maybe 'enjoyed' wasn't the correct word, but I didn't think that there was anything wrong with that.

If I condemn her for being a lesbian, then I should be condemning myself too. It would be like the pot calling the kettle black. I would be a hypocrite. Hum, maybe we got this lesbian tendency from mom. I heard all Lilim were bisexual.

"Well, she was under the impression that you were mad at her for doing that. That was what she told me. Anyway, where've you been for the past two days?"

I looked at the morning sky outside the windows. "So it has only been two days, huh? Sure feels longer in Hell."

"Yes, it's Sunday now. So where were you?"

"Being tortured in the alternative lifestyle."

He grinned, "If you want to be sexually tortured, you can always come and find me. I'd love to make you beg for release".

I looked at him coldly, "I didn't mean it as a joke".

"Sorry," he said, losing his grin.

I didn't know why, but I hugged him, "It's okay. You didn't know what I've been through. It's not your fault, there was nothing you could've done anyway".

Then I let go of him and picked up the phone.

"Pat, what are you trying to do?" he asked.

"I'm calling Tell, like you told me to just now."

"Not when you sound like that, unless if you've told her about yourself, which I dare say you haven't yet."

"Tell her what?"

"That you can transform into a girl?"

"Of course I can. I'm a half-lilin. I have a lilin form and a human form. This is my human form, which I wear every waking moment."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is!"

"No! It's not and I can prove it without even getting up."

"Go ahead. I want to see how you can prove that. This is my body, you know. I know my own body."

"I know your body too, baby," he said, loosening his belt.

"Mmm, so you're finally taking me up on that offer?" I cooed.

Chuckling, he said, "Tempting, but maybe later. Right now my belt's killing me. I must've buckled too tightly when I wanted to leave just now."

"Too angry at poor old me, sweety?"

"I won't ever be too angry at you, doll."

"Now sweety, we both know that's not true," I said as I threw him a smile.

"Those weren't anger, baby. Those were extreme lurvve," he grinned. His hands now holding his wallet and has started fishing for its contents.

"Ooo, you're paying me for my services? Kinky. Ooh, you’re making me wet. What would you like me to do for you, Mr Reynolds?" I said, snuggling back into his broad chest as I roleplayed a high class callgirl. The phone handle lay forgotten on the table.

"Doll, wasn’t I already paying for your meals? Ah, here it is," he said as he pulled out a folded photograph.

"What's that? I asked, raising myself up to look at it.

It was a picture of three boys in a soccer jersey. Two of them were holding a large trophy. One of the boys holding the trophy was the young Chris. Gosh, I have forgotten how cute he was.

"Remember when this was taken?" he asked, right next to my ears. His right arm has again draped itself around my waist. He was holding up the photograph with his left hand as I took it and lay back against him. Both his arms encircled my waist again. Oh, I really love cuddling like this.

I studied the picture, every second; the memories slowly trickled back into my brain. "It was in junior high, wasn't it? We were both in the school's soccer team and it was the first time our school ever won the championship. I remember how the entire team was paraded around school and got our picture posted in the front page of the local newspaper. I got laid for the first time too, hehe, Mandy Wallace was very good with her tongue. Now that brings back another memory. How dare you spread the word that Mandy Wallace was a slut to the entire school. Now don't deny it, I know it was you", I said as I turned my head and looked up at his face.

He flinched, "Okay, let's discuss that. There were so many flaws in those things that you mentioned and we'll go through it one by one".

He let out a sigh, "Now, you said that we were both in the school's soccer team?"

"Yes."

"You remember that our junior high never had a girl soccer team? Do you also remember that our soccer team never admits girls?"

"Yes, but I was an exception."

He let out another sigh, "Very well, let's talk about you getting laid. Who did you do it with?"

I raised an eyebrow, which was rather pointless since he was lying behind me and therefore won't be able to see it, "Mandy Wallace. I thought I just said that?"

"Yes, but what exactly did you do?"

I scowled, "I didn't think that it was any of your business what I did with Mandy Wallace. You called her a slut, remember?"

"A slut and later on, a bitch. It worked for the better, wasn't it? She became very popular after that. Anyway, let's focus. What did you do with her? She was not a lesbian, you know?"

"Well, she must've been. Why else would she be interested in me?" I asked, my head starting to feel like it was being hit by the cue sticks of African drums.

"Look at the picture, Pat. Do you recognize the three people in there?"

"Why of course. On the left was Henry Patterson, the midfielder and also the captain. In the middle was you of course, my you look deliciously young. Then the other guy holding the championship cup with you was... ummm... who was he? He looked familiar."

"Now, let's talk about this guy on the right. You said he looked familiar, let me give you a bit of help. Try substituting your place in your memory concerning Mandy Wallace and the fact that our soccer team didn't admit girls with this guy. Imagine him doing the things you did with Mandy Wallace..."

"Oh Great Mother!" I exclaimed, cutting him off. I sat upright as the realization struck me. I wasn’t a girl, I was a boy! My original body was that of a boy and this boy at the right was me!

I stood straight, next to the couch where I have just laid comfortably with Chris. I closed my eyes and imagined myself changing back to Patrick Willows, my original body. It was hard. I have spent far too long in lilin form and as a girl that it was hard for my mind to make sense of the transformation. When I was done though, I looked down and was horrified to see myself in the soft blue sleeveless dress with a hint of my lacy bra peeking through the cleavage area, which looked absolutely ridiculous since I didn't have breasts in my Patrick Willows form. So I closed my eyes again and manipulated the ethereal energies again to cover myself in more suitable clothing. I felt better to find out that it was easier to make male clothing than actually changing into a male.

"Pat?"

I felt suddenly humilliated, suddenly embarrassed. Suddenly all the feelings of shame that was repressed by my slutty side came out at once and I was thinking of finding a place to hide. Then I came across a simpler solution.

"Get out!" I shouted, pulling Chris on his feet, "Get out and don't come back. I'll kill you if I ever see you again, and I mean it!" I cried, as I pushed him through the front door.

I heard his pleading voice through the closed door, "Pat! Baby, what's wrong?"

I sat on the couch, the couch I just shared with Chris not 2 minutes ago and I started feeling disgusted at myself.

"Baby, please. At least give me my shirt and sweater. It's so cold it must be snowing out here. Please?"

I spotted his shirt easily. Almost instinctively I press the shirt to my face and started to breathe in his musky scent when I caught myself and threw it away onto the coffee table. I gave the coffee table a wide berth as I searched for his sweater. I found it next to the TV set. I grabbed the shirt using the sweater as I opened the door and threw them both at his shivering form.

"Thanks baby, I know you won't let me freeze to death. But... would you hand me my wallet too? I came here by cab. My car wouldn't start."

I knew where his wallet was, so I dropped down on the floor and looked under the coffee table. As I grabbed it, my eyes fell on the photo of us holding the championship cup together and for a fraction of a second, I mourned for the breaking of our friendship in that same week.

I opened the front door and threw it out to the corridor. He didn't say anything else and I spent the next half an hour sitting alone on the couch, with both my feet on the couch and my knees touching my chin. Then Little Tell came home and she was crying with joy to see me alive and well. I had to calm her down before she hugged me to death. It was a good thing that she came back when I was already in my male form. If she came when Chris and I were 'being friendly', I didn't think I would be able to explain it.

Little Tell who no longer look so little anymore, fell asleep on my lap, hugging me tight. I couldn't bear to wake her up, so I carried her back to her room and her bed. Gosh, she was heavy!

I was in the process of making lunch when I heard the tune of Michael Jackson's Black & White playing very near to where I was standing. At first I thought it was just Little Tell cranking up the volume of her CD player. But when the tune kept repeating itself, I got curious and started searching for it.

After searching for a while, I found something under the flowerpot near the window. I fished it out with the tip of my fingers and pulled out a Nokia mobile phone. It was not mine, and I was really sure that it wasn't Tell's either. Maybe it was Chris? Maybe it was his ploy to see me again? Damn, he was cunning bastard. I think I'll ask Little Tell to return it later.

Then the phone rang again.